Tag: pain

I’m Not Weak

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I’m Not Weak

It’s not that I am weak if I fall. It’s not that I feel low, it’s about getting back up. I have fallen, and I feel like I’m laying on the ground. I feel battered and bloody. Am I weak because I took a hit and I fell? What is strength? Is strength that we never get it, or that when we do we find the ability to stand back up? While I’ll admit this has been the longer I’ve been down on the mat, I feel like I am making progress. I often feel that others have looked down upon me in judgment and have placed little thought about where I’ve come from. I often look to myself and place an unreasonable goal on myself. I look to myself and call myself weak for not being able to stand back up. While there’s no doubt I am trying, and there’s no doubt I have made progress, I don’t feel it’s been fast enough. I feel much of the time I’ve been on my own dealing with these feelings I have little experience with. Failure is not a stranger to my lips, but to this magnitude, to this extent, I have no frame of reference. The clock ticks and it’s maddening in my ears. The hours feel like years, and I watch as the civil war wages on inside my mind.

For years I watched men around me. Why didn’t I feel like I fit in? What was so different about me then others? I wrestled with my place for years. In school I didn’t fit in with the guys. I was an outcast, an anomaly. I watched the world move around me and I felt like a spectator instead of a player, I found the longer the status quo stayed the same, the wider the chasm grew. I was the friend to the ladies but rarely more. I was the annoying tag along for the guys, so I chose to walk the path of the lesser pain. I sat with the girls at lunch, I hung out with the girls out of school, and as I grew I was the one guy in the crowd of the girls. Not a bad place to be in my own mind, I was with the girls, but only as their friend. I found in time it was a place I could live to be. I learned to share my emotions, to communicate with the female persuasion, but in time the thing that once was a blessing seemed to become a curse.

How quickly innocence can be taken away. It’s funny how much some people change going through military training, and how some never let go of their old selves. During my training I dove into it. Mind body and soul I gave my all to learning all I could. I kept my innocence, I kept my core, I remained me. Through graduation I became more then I was. I was a soldier and I was proud of it. I left for a country foreign to me, to be the best soldier I could be. I grew, and I absorbed what I could. In my walk I kept a hole of my faith. Then the night we got the news, Lt. Brown was KIA. The war became real, and it was hard to imagine, he was gone. The morning my truck was ambushed, a well sought plan to kill the Americans. The memories from that day have stuck with me all these many years later. The facts were the fact, and I talked about the facts about what happened, but rarely have I discussed how I felt. How does anyone feel knowing someone tried to murder them? How does anyone feel in the face of so much hatred? We were trained to always put the mission first. We were trained to act, react, plan, and execute, but never did we talk about how to handle the emotions we would feel. For a year those emotions were buried, and rarely talked about. The mission tempo kept us busy, and we fought to stay alive every day. Even when we were on the base, our guard was never down because of the constant barrage of incoming mortars and rockets. We were such a hot bed of activity the USO couldn’t come to our base because it wasn’t safe enough. I remember going to Camp Anaconda and they had a pool, and movies, and a Burger King. The Green Zone obviously, a safe enough place to be. After all these years the memories have surfaced and after the events of September of 2016, it feels like all of a sudden the flood gates opened, and I’ve been trying to manage all of these incidences, all of these traumas and while I’m trying to put labels on the emotions, I feel as if I’ve shut down and I only take out some emotions per day. Am I weak, or the product of years of neglect?

I have found in my walk in the last year with this ministry I have grown. I can see the growth within myself, and even if I was a little biased, I have heard recently how much others have seen the growth within me. The fact is, we don’t know the pain someone’s in. We don’t know how strongly something has affected them, and it’s not for us to judge that pain. Instead it’s our place to be there to help them grow in Christ, and to offer mercy and grace to console them. In all our times we must learn there is a time for everything, and importantly, there’s a time to feel. Ecclesiastes 3:4 “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;” We don’t know how long it takes to heal. We don’t know how long it takes to feel. We don’t know what it’s like to loose, and to get back up and keep pressing on. We try to extend an olive branch by sharing our own experiences, and to that I say, there’s also a time and place. We need to learn when to listen, and when to speak. We need to learn when it’s the right time and place, and we need to find what we can do to help those who are suffering. Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” I don’t want to be told it’ll get better soon. I don’t want to be told things will get better. For over a year now I’ve heard the same cliché’ answers, and the broken record plays, and I don’t want to hear it anymore. We as people think we are in control but we aren’t. God’s in control, and all we can do is react to the situations we find ourselves in. We make our choices based on the good or bad in our hearts. In my time I’ve chosen to love and have faith in God despite my calamity. I have chosen to stand firm on the Word of God and have faith that when my time for prosperity comes, I will be blessed, whether it be in this life or the next. I trust in the Lord and put my faith in Him. This day shall pass, and when the storm passes I shall rebuild.

It’s not weak to take time to weep for a life lost. It’s not weak to struggle with the emotions from war. War changes people, and for me, I left something in the sand in that country so far away. It takes time to process, and to manage. I’m not weak because I have taken time for myself. I’m not weak for the tears I’ve shed for lost friends. I’m not weak, I’m human. My flesh is weak, but my faith is strong. I’ll never be the same as I was before all of this. I’ve seen so much, and I’ve lived through so much, all I can do now is share my experience and try to help someone else in need. I hope no one gets to the point I was. Let Jesus pick you up and give you shelter when you are in sorrow. Trust in the Lord when you’re in danger. Put all your hope in the Lord and believe that whatever hell you face here, paradise is waiting for you there. No matter if you are hurt, or angry, sad, or happy, in all things, try to uphold yourself in a dignified way pleasing to the Lord. Every one of our emotions is valid, it’s just a matter of how we manage them, how we face them. There’s a time and place, but if you have feelings you’ve not dealt with, it’s better to face them early, then wait till they have created other problems in your life. Don’t wait, act now. Face the pain, and face the day.

 

 

Our Time

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Our Time

When the morning sun rises over the horizon and you see the first rays of light, you don’t often question if it’ll be your last. We live by the minutes we have, but we rarely put thought into the actual thought of living. When you look at the sunrise and think how beautiful it is, or how you see the person you love, we don’t wonder if it’s the last time. There was a day so many years ago now, which brought all these questions to mind. As time has moved passed I often forget how quickly that life can be. In just a fleeting moment the world as we know it can be rocked by change, and how we are forever changed. As we wake this morning and we go about our day, for me today is a reminder to be vigilant in my thoughts. We suffer so much pain, and we suffer so much loss, but when we forget to live, that’s the true tragedy. How do we honor the dead? We honor the dead by fighting. We honor the dead by living, and to do so with thought. We cannot just wake up every day and exist, that we must truly live our lives. The day will come when we are called home, but if that day is not today, we must live life with zest. We must open our eyes every morning, and be grateful to the one who gives life. We live this life and this is our time, but it’ll never come again.

When the days are numbered, how can we say we lived our life? Will we count our days by missed opportunities? Will we count them by the number of lives we touched? Will we count them by the number of lives we destroyed? No matter the form of measurement in your life, be sure to live your life for the moment. Be sure that in that moment, the fleeting moments we are here, make a difference. Live a life that is full of love and a life that is pleasing to God. Be a beacon of hope in a world full of darkness. Live your life in the light so others can see. We only get one shot at life, and we never know when the day our ticket gets punched, so live every day with the heart for God. Live every day loving your friends, loving your family. Live every day with the thought, tomorrow may not come. Don’t live out your days thinking ‘I thought I’d have more time.’ Today is the day you have, and tomorrow isn’t promised.

John 10:7-15 “7 So Jesus again said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. 8 All who came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. 9 I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. 11 I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12 He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. 13 He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. 14 I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.”

We are the lost sheep living this life, and a shepherd came to give us hope. In that hope we now live, no longer in the darkness, but the light of the world. Although we live dust to dust, we are more then the sum of our flesh. We have the living waters that flow over our hearts when we open them to the Lord. Genesis 3:19 “By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” No longer are we here to live and die, but instead we are here to live and live. We live this life so one day we can live in eternal life. Ecclesiastes 3:20-21 “All go to one place. All are from the dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows whether the spirit of man goes upward and the spirit of the beast goes down into the earth?” We are given the choice of how we want to live, and in that choice so shall we be judged.

Today as I remember the dead, I recall the valley, which I gazed upon. I saw the face of evil and I will forever remember the horror, which lives in the hearts of man. The ability to take life, to extinguish a child of God, with no remorse or conscious, is truly a terrifying place. To witness such evils, reminds us that though Christ died to break the bonds of death, we still fight for the souls of the living. Not all who live shall live, and all the while not all that die shall die. If you are to live, live for love, live for Christ, and in Christ love all. Love all who live and pray for those whom you love, but in turn, pray for those whom wish to do hate. As it is said, love the sinner, and hate the sin. Today which is a day to remember, I pray for the souls of those who sought to do harm, and I pray with forgiveness in my heart, yet a prayer of God’s righteous vengeance. For it is not my place to judge the living, nor is it my place to judge the dead, but to love and pray for both. Romans 12:19 “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” I place my belief upon the Lord, and I pray for those who have trespassed against me, and I pray for my own heart that it be healed in my time of pain. I pray that I shall find peace in the knowledge that vengeance is not of my own hand, but in the hand of the Lord. I pray that we in this life find justice, not vengeance. Deuteronomy 32:35 “To me belongeth vengeance, and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste.” Justice is restoring balance, and I trust in the Lord, which holds eternal balance in his righteous hands.

 

What’s In Your Heart?

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What’s in your heart?

17 months and I haven’t had any nibbles. I realized for every one worm there’s 15-30 fish. The women just dangle the worm and doesn’t have to do anything. So women, they get to pick the biggest shiniest fish out there. The thing with social dating sites is the emphasis on the physical attraction, and what’s written in the profile is glazed over. While we know what scripture says about your outward appearance, and what God thinks is most important. People will judge others, while God judges the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7 “But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” Why can’t we look beyond the flesh to the soul within?

I was told recently that in all of the dating apps out there women are focused on the looks, and because they get so many men to choose from those who look like models are often picked up first, and those who do not, well, they fall to the wayside. Sadly it seems my fish analogy is spot on. While I change my photo’s regularly, and I update what’s written often, as to keep my profiles lively. This however hasn’t changed the outcome, or my luck.

For several or more years I have often been guilty of allowing those who’ve hurt me to remain in my life after a period of time. Someone hurts me and months or years later they pop back up into my life, and once again I allow them access to my life. More often then not, over time that renewed friendship is broken and often in the same it was broke the first time. I have always believed that people are human and they make mistakes. We look only to our own pleasure, the pleasure in someone’s looks, or the pleasure they bring to our lives, and when that pleasure is gone, we as a people move on. I have always tried to look into a person’s heart and see the best in them. We should always learn to seek the heart after God, and not the outer shell. We should always seek ones true self, the actionable, the outward appearance of one’s inner self. True people will hurt you, people will make mistakes, but it’s important not to be taken advantage of.

Learning what’s in someone’s heart is important. It’s important not to be unequally yoked. 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” In all the time I’ve been trying to get back into dating I have maintained my search for a Christian women to give my heart too. While I have found myself wrestling with my current situation I find that in my heart I am becoming weary. I am tired of seeking people only to be lied to, and dismissed. The thing with our society these days is based so much out the outward appearance. The sad thing about that is, looks fade. Love no longer matters, and people are so easily offended and scared away, that it makes communication a dying art. We don’t take the time to get to know anyone anymore. We don’t take the time to learn about someone, ask them questions, have long heart felt talks, and more importantly, to bond with someone. I’ve found friends that come and go so easily aren’t truly happy with themselves. Lovers who leave for no reason, who give up everything once worked for, are truly broken inside.

If you want to look at someone’s heart, you should look to how they’ve handled rejection. Look at how they handle conflict, and dealt with difficult people. It’s in those moments when they are forced to make a choice. We have both light and dark inside us, and we are always capable of both extraordinary love and compassion, or deep-seated hate and resentment. When you look at someone’s behavior you will get a glimpse of who they are. Sure people are human and there will be times when they don’t put their best foot forward, but when you look at an overall representation, you will see that when the heart is tested, the true nature will rear it’s head. A person who out of anger slashes someone’s tires, or makes up stories and lies, or sells a house full of items behind someone’s back, that person is angry, and vengeful. On the other hand, a person who gives friendly gifts, or offers a shoulder to cry on, or rescues someone from a current boyfriend who’s beat them, regardless of the things done, you can see the difference in the heart. People most always disserve a second chance. People always disserve forgiveness. When we are looking for friends, or for love, we need to remember to look at actions, and look at patters to show one’s heart. “It’s not who I am underneath, it’s what I do that defines me!” (Batman Begins)

 Show your heart and make no mistake that you are beautiful on the inside. There’s a line from the suicide squad that got me thinking. Captain Boomerang (Digger Hartness) was talking to Harley Quinn, he said this, “You know, outside you’re amazing. But inside, you’re ugly.” (Suicide Squad) The thing is when we judge a book by its cover we never truly see what lies beneath. When we look only at what’s on the outside we will often miss the beauty that God created on the inside. Someone as beautiful as Harley Quinn is perfect on the outside but on the inside she’s as broken as they come, and crazy isn’t a strong enough word to describe her. We as Christians need to do better with how we treat others. We need to do better with that big J word that’s floated around and we claim we never do, but we do, and that’s pass judgment. We do it every time we look at someone, every time we talk with someone, and it’s caused a lot of pain and heartache for people. It’s time we learn to look beyond the outer shell, and look more deeply. We should be curious to get to know our brothers and sisters. We should be curious to connect and reach out, and help those in need. We cannot sit idly by and do nothing when our neighbor’s heart is broken. We must share in the joy of life, and help when that joy is broken. We should want to extend our hearts to those in need, and stop judging people by what we see.

I have learned a hard lesson in the last year, and that’s people aren’t what I thought. I never realized how shallow, and selfish people can be on the whole. While I’m obviously not talking in absolutes, black and white, I am talking about the majority, or at least from my vantage point. See we can only come to conclusions based on what we see, what we experience, and although that may not be a fair assessment, it’s the only one some people have. In my experience online dating is a farce, and people are shallow and cruel. While I hope one day to be proven wrong, thus far, the evidence I’ve gathered doesn’t show that. A 30 something, white male, with average looks, and a standing Christian, just doesn’t seem to be what attracts women these days. Now let me say this, attraction is very important in any relationships, and marriage. This cannot be the soul purpose to a relationship though. Looks fade and we must trust in the heart over the eyes. While I have undoubtedly not raised many eyebrows, I realize I cannot give up hope. Every day is a new chance, a new opportunity, and in my search for my counterpart, I realize that in all things we must understand that it’s God’s schedule, not our own that matters. Patience and understand are virtues we must learn to embrace. If you’ve have trouble finding love as I have, don’t give up hope. Remember that prayer alone is not everything, but action is just as important. We must learn to allow prayer and guidance to move our feet in the right direction. We can pray for money, but if we don’t work towards it, it’s not going to show up on our doorstep. Love is the same way. We must go out and be apart of the world. We can’t just sit by and hope it comes to us. We have to have faith, but have action. Show others what’s in your heart, and don’t hide away from your true nature just because you want people to like you. If someone doesn’t like you because you’re a nerd, or you’re a Christian, or you build Lego sets for fun, then they aren’t right for you. Stay strong in your search, and don’t forget to pray about it. Don’t forget to thank God for what you have, and never give up hope. One day your waiting will pay off, and the right things will come to you.

 

 

 

The Fog

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The Fog

Waking up from a fog unsure of where I’ve been for so long. The day rings in with sun and a new understand of how the world works. Learning the truth sometimes is hard and brutal. Tearing down the walls built up for so long, now realizing the cage I’ve been in. So my Lord give me your eyes for just one second. I’ve missed so much, and I’ve been hurting so long I allowed the pain to define me. The road is new and the path is fresh so forgive me when I stumble. Forgive me when I fall, but pick me up when I’m weak and help me along the way. I have faith and I know I can’t stay in that prison any longer. It’s time to move on, move forward, and let go of the past. The future isn’t beyond my reach if you are in my heart. Together today, always together and I know I can make it after all.

It can be hard living with pain every day. Physical pain is hard enough to manage, but when you add emotional on top if it, it can be debilitating. Pain is something that is different for everyone. Everyone by the time they reach adulthood has found ways to manage their pain in their own special way. This isn’t saying it’s in healthy productive ways, but that’s why this is so important. When we live our lives running from our pain, never finding ways to face it and understand it, it can be fester inside of us, and when left unchecked it can cause damage to other areas of our lives.

When pain takes rout inside our heart we may forget how to love in a healthy way. We may look for love in the wrong places, either in the bottom of a bottle ie. Alcohol or pills. We may look for love in the way of meaningless sex, or gambling, or even stuff like extreme sports. The problem is pain affects the way in which we have relationships. Pain affects our ability to make Godly, rational, healthy decisions, and we often end up pushing away those who care for us most. Anything in our lives that reminds us our behavior is bad for us we get rid of because we are comfortable in our pain and we found ways that make us feel good. The problem is that feel good sensation isn’t real, and inside the pain is crushing. We see this a lot in addicts. People who become addicted to something unhealthy often display irrational mood swings. They will do whatever they can to stay in their addiction, even if it’s an addiction to a particular behavior. When we are faced with a question of conviction while running from our faith, we will lash out at those who want to help get us back on track. Eventually as the spiral downward continues, eventually rock bottom comes up quick, and splat onto the concrete.

We can only hope if we are the ones in the fog we allow the Holy Spirit to guide us, to help us heal. We need to pray for guidance, and forgiveness, and love. We should rely on God to show us how to escape the hell we are living in. Allow God to give us the means, the knowhow to be free of the pain we hold. Letting friends help, and getting guidance from a pastor or priest, allowing yourself to get into therapy and begin the healing process. We must learn to peal back the pain layer by layer till we find the route of the problem, and slowly face that pain till it no longer defines who we are. Don’t live in the fog anymore. Let God burn that fog away and reveal the clear skies ahead. When we let God in, the hope we needed all along will be right there waiting for us.

A Hospital Day

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A Hospital Day

After waking up in agonizing pain I quickly realized something was wrong. My back hurting before I went to bed turned into unbearable abdomen pain. I quickly realized I was in trouble when I collapsed in the living room. My mother quickly got dressed to take me to the VA ER. I was admitted quickly and within minutes I was hooked up to an IV and I was getting nausea medication and pain medicine. The trip to the ER was difficult. During the 30-minute car ride I got sick out the window twice. The immense pain caused me to get sick, and then again on the hospital bed.

Within moments of receiving the first round of meds I began to feel better. Less then an hour later I was getting a CT of my gut and surrounding organs. The first thought was my Gal Bladder. This was ruled out after everything came back okay. Either my back was having major spasms, or I had a bacterial/viral infection in my intestinal tract. I was eventually released to go home. 3 days of light liquid diet of nothing but soups.

Once I returned home I was so tired I fell asleep quickly and slept most of the afternoon. When I got up it was time to go to the Christmas Cantata. This year the cantata was amazing. The singers this year were fantastic and of course the narration was great.

No matter the pitfalls that may come in your day, your week, your year, you will always have the chance to reflect on the years past and remember that the only thing worthwhile is the knowledge that at some point 2000 years ago a baby was born. A baby that would one day grow to sacrifice himself to be the salvation for all of our sins. We are a fallen world and we would be without hope if we didn’t have Christ. We cannot hope to overcome sin on our own. We need to understand that in order to do that we must follow the light of the entire world. The prince of peace came and lived with us as one of us but also apart so we may relate to God, and know that God relates to us. We can only put our faith in one place and that’s the Lord above. No matter how bad things get we know that God’s still with us, God’s always in control, and we can take comfort in that.

You may be sick, you may be down on your luck, you may be in pain both physical or emotional, but in this time of year, try not to let the holiday blues take over, instead try to find something selfless to do. Try to remember the season of giving, the season of good will towards others, and to love your neighbor.

Love CHRIST and celebrate His Risen Birthday! This the Birthday we should always want to celebrate.

The Separate Path

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The Separate Path

We found one another and fell in love. We grew together and a life we made. The life we made was a house of cards, the wind came and it blew it down. Now looking at the wake of devastation, I watched in horror as the world didn’t make sense anymore. The tsunami that tore down everything in its path, it was a nightmare come to life. The blast from the atomic blast blinded me and left me helpless as I stood there frozen within my own mind. My body moved but my mind was trapped in a prison unable to escape. Failure was imminent and nothing would be able to stop the flood from coming.

Journey’s song Separate Ways sums up the last year pretty well for me. Having faith in the plan that isn’t my own is perhaps the hardest thing I’ve done. The horrible things we survive can either destroy us or it can propel us forward. When something happens to us in the past how does it affect us in the present? The nightmare that is left behind can play at any time during the day, find us in our sleep, and haunt us. But what if the demons of the past could be controlled? What if we could tame the beast and learn how to no longer allow it to control us? There may be hope if we but turn on the light to see in the dark.

Someone once asked me why I believed in God with so much pain and horrible things in this world. If God was so good then why are babies killed, why do innocent people get hurt? The answer is very simple. Free Will. Free will gives people the choice to decide their own path. We choose who we become friends with, and we choose the way we handle each and every event that comes to our life. Sometimes we make great choices, and other times we make choices that are self destructive. Sometimes our path’s are determined by the subconscious mind that wants what we know we shouldn’t have, but follow it anyway. Other people free will can harm people as innocent bystanders or out of cruelty or malice. God can interfere and sometimes does, but to put a stopper on free will in a fallen world of Sin would defeat the purpose of wanting His children to come to him freely. While miracles do happen, and God can play on someone’s heart, bad things are bound to happen.

I myself have been taken to the woodshed a few times. I’ve suffered at the hands of others, and I have caused suffering when I didn’t mean too. I’ve been brought to my knees and I’ve watched the world crumble and make no sense to what is up or down. While I’ve lost sight of the truth from time to time I always find my way back to the path. The Devil has tried to take me out of the game, to remove me from the board, but God’s plan for me is not yet finished. I can never apologize enough for the pain I have caused, and I can’t ever make it right. All I can do is try to atone for my mistakes. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and hope I get it. All I can do is try to make sure it never happens again and raise awareness for the perfect storm that hit me. While my path has diverged from that of those I love the most deeply in this life, I know that my love is not confined to my little part of this world, but that they know how I feel. I can never undo the past, but as I have fought to survive this last year, I keep in mind, there’s a reason to the pain. There’s a reason for the separate ways in my life, and I thank God for the blessings I do have.

Even though you’re gone I love you. Even though the end came I still care. God doesn’t abandon his Children. God never stops loving, and thus nor will I. Love in the deepest meaning of the word doesn’t die. Love always remains, and one-day love will concur all. Love isn’t weak; it’s the strongest thing in the universe. God will always provide, and even when we walk away from the path God will go off road with us. He may not approve of our choices, but he will always want us to come back. Faith in the truth, faith in the light, and the rest comes when you get your hands dirty with hard work. We may not think we’re strong enough, but when our strength runs low, we lift our eyes, and hands to the Lord and ask for help. We have faith that our needs will be provided for and in our hour of need, God will always provide. He provides every minute of every day, even if we don’t see the working of the little stuff. We don’t have to be strong enough, we just have to have faith. We can be broken, we can be lost, we can be afraid, but in God all things will be made right, and we can do all things because in Christ we are given strength, courage, love. Don’t loose sight of what’s important, and more importantly who. We only get a few people in our life that stay and make big impacts, don’t forget their face, don’t forget their name. Love can overcome anything. God’s love for us and the blood of our Savior shed for us was done in love freeing us from our eternal death, so if we could just love more like God, wouldn’t we be able to be happier too? Perhaps this Christmas you can start to love a little deeper.

A Journey In The Darkness

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A Journey in the darkness

Psalm 91:4 “He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.”

The joys of this life can be easily snuffed out in the mists of dark days, of struggles, and of heartbreak. When the days get you down you have to be strong. It’s so easy to fall into darkness and despair. I’ve seen it happen in my own life, and in the lives of many that I know. Despair is a dangerous and sometimes deadly trap. Despair can easily turn into quicksand and drag you down, and must like the Dementors in the famed Harry Potter books, it can suck the happiness right out of your lungs and make you feel like you’ll never be happy again. One thing in my own life I’ve found is how fickle some friends can be. Since my gun shot wound a year ago I’ve found more and more friends are fickle and come around only when they want something, or they are bored and know you’ll be there as a last resort.

While there’s no doubt that this hurts, and I know I can’t be the only person that goes through this, what hurts the most is the exodus that’s occurred. While I realize that bullet changed my life, and while I am responsible, the feeling of loss from the mass abandonment that was left behind is heart breaking. Now over a year later, I’ve had another exodus from obvious different causes, but never the less the pain is the same. This presents a new kind of struggle, and yet again staring at the brink of darkness, and once more unto the breach. The war continues and as there is a great sense of loss, I am left with one undeniable fact, that I am not alone. Though the case may be that while physically and emotionally I am or feel alone, God is always there with me. While this doesn’t take away the desire and drive to meet someone special, or want to make new local friends, it does prevent me from falling into complete and total despair.

I know at the end of the day when I’m feeling down and I’m feeling blue, I know that my future is much brighter then it appears because I know that my Abba is looking out over me. I swore no matter how bad it got I would never stair down the wrong side of that circumstance again, and that I would be an advocate for finding another way. There is always hope as long as we breath, and while I am lonely, while my Christmas wish is to find love, and to not being alone anymore, and to make some good local friends, I know that God is with me and in time, those things will be mine, because it’s what my deepest desire is from my heart. I may not always makes the right choices, but I try to.

If you’re feeling despair this season reach out, find someone. If you’re happy as can be this holiday season, reach out to your friends or family that are having a hard time. Don’t forget this is both the happiest time of year, and often the saddest. Faith is so important, and even when it’s sometimes hard, don’t loose hope, and never give up. Don’t ever forget that you can be protected under Angels wings, and your God, the King of all is powerful enough to handle any situation, every tear, every cut, you aren’t suffering through it alone. God is not just watching, God experiences it all with us. Rest assure you will make it out, and one day you will make it home, a home of pure perfection.

 

 

 

Don’t Short Change Yourself

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Don’t Short Change Yourself

It’s not uncommon for someone recovering from an affair, or even after a long relationship to second-guess yourself. It’s easy to blame yourself, and feel at fault for the relationship falling apart. It’s easy to look back at your relationship and pick out everything you did wrong. It’s too easy to only focus on what you did wrong because they left you. One of the things that I’ve heard a lot lately is “it’s their loss.” I’m not sure I truly understand that. It seems to me if they felt they were loosing anything they wouldn’t have left. Even when time has gone by and they still haven’t come home, they obviously don’t feel they’ve lost anything. When time passes by and you don’t have anyone talking to you, no one shows interest, and you haven’t managed to score a date in all that time, yes, the simple truth is, it’s easy to fall into despair.

When you read through the life of David here’s a man that struggled with depression for most of his life. He fought years of depression and struggled with the regrets, the losses, the battles. David made some horrible mistakes, but also achieved a great amount. David was considered to be a man after God’s own heart. The choices we make define us. When we look into the fractured mirror and we no longer recognize who we are, it’s a miracle we need. We need to be able to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. What we need is Jesus. God wants for who we are in his eyes to be who we are. We can always turn our life around. We can always make the choice to turn back away from the self we don’t know for the self washed in the light of the Lord. Our new body, our new soul starts with allowing the worst parts of us to burn away in the flames of trials. God wants us with our scars, our shortcomings and our broken hearts. God knows we can be used no matter what our past may be. While this world races by sometimes far to fast, it’s clear that we are meant to be wherever we are, and all God wants is for us to see Him, to know Him, to cry out to Him, and above all trust in Him.

We may not always see it, we may not see our own self worth because perhaps we allowed someone’s acceptance of us to dictate our worth. Perhaps our jobs defined us, our status, or any other worldly viewpoint. We can’t change what the future may hold, but all we can do is define who we are by who we want to be. We are the masters of our own fate, by being a person that God would be pleased with. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;” No matter the pain we suffering through it all we choose how we treat others. We may struggle, but if we hurt those around us, blame everyone else, we are no better then those who persecute us.

Psalm 34:17-20 “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.” We must always remain faithful in our belief that God is with us. It’s in that belief that we can stand firm in the winds of change, stand firm when the ground breaks apart beneath our feet and still not fall. When we seek the Lord for answers, when we seek help, we can find it in Psalm 23 “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

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 While life can take it’s toll and it can land many solid punches, it’s up to us to hold ourselves up with as much dignity as we can muster. It’s easy to let the Devil win and feel badly about ourselves. Self pity is easy to get into but we can face the beast and come up head held high. Simply put, don’t short change yourself, keep your head high and know that you’re on the winning side. Keep your faith strong, and remember that God is with you always.

Not According to Plan

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Not According to Plan

Why is life so hard sometimes? Why do we fail, or hurt? When we don’t live up to who we think we should be, why is it so hard to stand back up? Why is the path in the light so hard? Why do people talk, why do people lie, why do people hurt? When the world around you falls to pieces, why can’t we ever put it back together? When we know what is right, when we know where to go, but feels like where stuck in the mud, or quicksand sinking the more we struggle. A heart in pieces, a dream crushed, but when our world falls, we turn to the heavens and shake our fists. What is God? What is faith? What is our life? God stays the same yesterday and tomorrow. God granted free will and because of that in the fallen world, people make selfish choices that often hurt others. We loose sight of our path that isn’t our path at all, but Gods path. God will lift us up and guide us if we only let go of our own selfish desires and follow Christ. Each day we live should be to glorify the Lord. God isn’t a Divine fairy that gives us our desires or our wishes. God gives us what we need when we need it. God is a father, not our best friend. God will punish us when we are bad, God will push us back to the right path in life. God is the reason we can breath every day. God is the reason that miracles happen. God is the God of all our days. Let go of the fear, let go of the doubt, let go of the pain and shame, follow God. When the world is harsh and cruel, lift up your head to the sky, raise your hands and give the worry and doubt to God. Let not the lies of Satan into your soul. Let not the doubts that the deceiver whispers into your ear take hold. Stand firm and fight back. For every Christian has a target on their chest and Satan wants your soul. Fight the fight, and lift your hands and heart higher.

True Lies

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True Lies

A lot of people have been telling me they know what I’m going through. People have been telling me they understand, and they are there for me. Here are the facts, I haven’t recovered, and I haven’t had as many people in my life that have made a difference that I’ve needed. Yes there’ve been a couple, but this is too big for just a small few who can’t be around as much as I’ve needed. I haven’t really been in a good place for some time now. The heart wants what the heart wants, and when it’s fractured it takes time, energy, and patience to heal. The experts say it takes time and it takes distraction, and a rediscovery of one’s self. While I can’t deny I’ve had some amazing things happen like my debt being paid off, I have a roof over my head, and I have a pair of great dogs.

When I get close to someone it seems like they always pull away from me. I’ve struggled wondering why everyone’s always run from me. People say they are always going to be there, till they aren’t. You’d think the more people have up and left, I’d be afraid to get attached. The fact is, it take a lot for me to get attached to someone, but when I do it’s stronger then perhaps even I’d care to admit.

The sun rises and falls and while others around me live their lives, it feels as if mine is standing still. The heart seems to be filled with broken glass, and every time I breathe I start to bleed. It seems like I haven’t made any progress. I wonder why I’ve been given the loosing hand and no matter how I try to change the dealer, I just can’t catch a break.

We may love, but what if we have to keep that love buried? What do we have left when that fleeting moments of loving someone is what we have? We know that we have the love of God, and we know that, that’s supposed to be enough. We know that it’s our flesh desires that get in the way of what’s truly important. While it’s hard to push the loneliness away the hardest part is being in limbo. Do you love the girl? Does she love you? What’s going on with the job? Standing still, the tomorrow so full of questions, so full of doubt. The truest of lies is the lie you tell everyone else, but the lie you tell yourself. The truth is you’re not okay. While many will try to tell you they understand, unless they’ve endured even a fraction of what you have, been in similar situations, that act of comfort seems hollow.

All we are left with is the feeling of helplessness, the occasional sensations of hopelessness, all we can do is muscle through them, and pray for the best. We have to have hope that God knows best. While the nights seem long the truth will set you free. Even the most devout Christians can suffer from depression, anxiety, and moments of hopelessness. It’s not about feeling low; it’s how you handle day to day. Everyone will have days they are down, or sometimes months, and even a bad year. Make sure that even when you’re having your bad days, you stay focused on Christ. It’s okay to have your bad days, just make sure that you keep fighting to move beyond the storm and find your peace.