Tag: pain

Three Years After

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Three Years After

It’s been there years since I suffered a near fatal gunshot wound. Every day I’m reminded of the wound by either pain in my shoulder, or a scar that itches. No matter the time that goes by, I am truly blessed every day that the Lord of all spared me and changed my life. Jesus Christ has shaped my life and even when my day is hard, or emotional, I know that Jesus is still in control over the storm. 

Three years later I went from a breaking man, to a man still as sinful, but now I see how much more I need Jesus. I tried for so long to do it myself, even though I was a believer, even though I had accepted Christ, the difference was I still felt I could manage my life my way. I found out the hard way how wrong I truly was. 

The difference now is how I live my life. While I still have days that I struggle, I find peace knowing that even in the worst of days, I’m not alone. Since the worst day I’ve experienced, I have come a long way on my road. I’m about to finish up my degree. I have met a wonderful lady who is completely supportive of me. I have begun teaching more at church. I have even sung a song at church, taking myself way out of my comfort zone. I am still working on myself daily, and hopefully each day I am a little closer to paradise.

Sadly some things cannot change all for the positive. I have lost friends and I have watched people push me away while I was just trying to help. It’s sad to watch these things happen, but the ebb and flow of life is such. Sometimes you win some and sometimes you lose some. 

Matthew 11:28-30  (NKJV) 28 “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am [a]gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

I have found myself struggling to keep moving forward. I find myself feeling sluggish in the morning. I have no desire to do much of anything through my day. I am not sure if I’m working through depression, laziness, or something else. 

Isaiah 40:31 (NKJV)31 “But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.”

No matter how hard it’s been lately, I realize that I need to hold the sword of truth. I need to maintain my Armor of God, and keep raising my sword with the strength God gives me. God has blessed me and has continued to do so. I am blessed with an amazing best friend. I am blessed with an amazing woman, Argie in my life. I am blessed with a mother who tries incredibly hard. I am blessed to have my amazing dogs Riley and Cooper. I am blessed that my needs are provided for. I hold the master sword of truth in my hands. Gods word is the infallible truth.

When The Call Is Made

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When The Call Is Made

Who are we when we say we are Christians? Who are we when we claim the love of Christ? What do we do when the call comes late at night? These are some of the questions I think we all need to answer. Recently I was in a situation when I didn’t know what to say, and I wasn’t sure how to answer, and I probably answered wrong. When I needed someone to talk to everyone I reached out too, or called was either too busy or not willing to talk. I sat alone in my head dealing with a multitude of emotions, and realized one very sad but real truth, God is the only friend I can count on day or night. When I needed someone there was no one, but God was still with me. 

2 Corinthians 1:4 (NKJV)4 “who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any [a]trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

When I started making calls I expected someone to answer, I expected someone would have thought of scripture Galatians 6:2 (NKJV)2 “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Yet no one came. Does that represent the kind of friend I’ve been? Have I failed as a friend to others, that when I was in need I would have no one head the call? I don’t know what more I can do for others but I surely have done all I know how. 

I have answered my phone day and night. 

I have bought someone a car. 

I have paid college bills. 

I have helped buy Christmas when needed. 

I have been there for others when they needed to cry. 

I have done so much, and yet I don’t feel it’s enough. I thought I was doing the right thing by helping people in need, but now I wonder if I was helping the wrong people all along. What have I done to others to earn so little respect? What have I done to face this kind of rejection in my time of need? 

I don’t really know what to say about it. I don’t know how to feel. I just know I hurt inside, and feel betrayed. I feel abandoned and hallow by those I thought I could count on. I am blessed to know that while so many flee, Jesus never has and he never will. 

***

It took hours for me to fall asleep, and longer to deal with the emotions I was feeling. After a deep, and long look inside, mixed with some communication with some good Christian loving friends, and a long hard cry, was feeling run down. Sleep later after church and I woke up feeling refreshed. While of course when I awoke there was no changes in the situation, but waking up more clear has left me static, caught between being okay, and not alright. 

One thing I’ve learned in the years past is we cannot place our faith in people. While I do believe most of the time people often mean well, I don’t think people are uncaring by nature, but perhaps self serving. I know that we are to love one another but I think we get caught up in life and forget that people, connections, relationships are vastly important. When I found myself empty handed from those I reached out too, I felt hurt and broken hearted. I reach out so seldomly I don’t understand how the importance was not considered and I was simply brushed aside. It seems I placed my faith in the wrong place, and I now realize, it’s my faith and trust in Jesus I need to place more focus on. I need spend more time in scripture. I need to get back to a healthy prayer life. I need to learn to place more trust in faith in my creator and less in those around me. I need to realize that I can count on only myself, and perhaps in time I will find people I can count on. 

The disclaimer to this is not a blanket statement, but regarding particular attempts at one particular time. While life is complicated and as things often get in the way, I understand that at most occasions there is perhaps at least one or two that might be able to help, however in this instance I was seeking a particular audience to talk with, and that’s where I was left alone. Life continues to move, and in the weeks ahead as I continue to face the current challenges, I know I will have to find a way to handle and manage the many feelings that come. I’ve made the call, but instead of people, I’ve now called upon Christ to raise me up, give me strength, and guide me. 

Brother’s Keeper

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Brother’s Keeper

Growing up without stability I struggled to understand God’s plan. I wondered if I had been cursed early on in my life. I wondered if God hated me, and if I was being punished for being a mistake. I felt like I was the one loosing, but in reality, I was gaining more then I could have ever imagined. I wasn’t loosing anything, but gaining strength, understanding, empathy, and a heart for those suffering. I was being shown a life style so I might be able to one day help others in need.

 

Life moves faster now but it’s the truth I’ve needed. I have needed a brother to tell me the truth, to be there for me to show me something real in this life. What I experienced led me to wonder the meaning of this life as at the time I had only experienced pain and suffering. I wanted to run away from everything, and bury my feelings, and hope to forget all the pain. God however doesn’t work like that. I’m reminded of the movie Star Trek: The Final Frontier, “Damit Bones you’re a doctor, you know pain and guilt can’t be taken away with the wave of a magic wand. There the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are, if we loose them we loose ourselves. I don’t want my pain taken away, I need my pain!” I understand now that I have needed my pain.

 

I have so much in the way of anger, sadness, frustrations, and fear built up that I buried and now, like an undead zombie it rises and comes back with a vengeance. The pain was real but time wouldn’t erase it because I never wanted to look at it. Thankfully though, Jesus Christ held my had all those years. I tried to tell myself it was in the past and it wasn’t important, but I was wrong. The past is important because it teaches us valuable lessons. As Kirk mentioned, I need my pain, and it’s only been recently I truly understood that.

 

The God of all creation never leaves us no matter where we are and what season we’re in. We need to remember to have faith in the storm, but also in the peaceful streams. We need to remember that God gives us the tools we need to handle the job every time. God doesn’t send us into the pit without a plan. God doesn’t leave us to fend for ourselves and certainly isn’t an angry God with a magnifying glass if we are just mere ants. God loves us, and wants us to do great things for Him, and because we are each special, given unique gifts, and each of our experiences can be used God gives us the path, it’s up to us to find it. As for me, I have been given special gifts to help me along my way, and I didn’t always see them for what they were till they were too late.

 

In my childhood I didn’t have any siblings, but God knew my heart, and He knew my struggles, and because of that He gave me brothers not of flesh, but of the blood of the Holy Spirit. Daniel was a brother to me for many years. We have remained friends all these many years later even though we live very different lives now. Matt, was my closest friend from 1994 for almost two decades later. While Matt and myself have drifted apart as life usually happens, we do keep in touch, and I know if anything were to happen, he’d be right there to help me. When I had moved to a new high school I met a boy named John, and he became my best friend. We were very close till he died unexpectedly when he was 18. I went many years without a brother in my life, but by the grace of God a few years back I met a man named Glen, who would be a brother not only in friendship but also in Christ. Glen would be there to show me the path, he would keep me on track, give me encouragement, hope, and love in Christ. He has truly become a brother I could never have imagined. I know God doesn’t do anything by accident and Glen and my meeting was certainly not an accident. A brother in Christ who teaches, guides, encourages, and helps see and discover the mystery of the word of God is an amazing feeling. All that pain I felt for so many years, now seems necessary for the path I am currently on, and having someone like Glen in my life (Speedy) gives me clarity to why, and now so many years later, I realize the refining process that I was going through, gives me peace in the understanding.

 

Genesis 4:9“Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” He said, “I do not know. Am I my brother’s keeper?” The Hebrew word for keeper is shamar meaning to protect, to keep track of to observe, and thus the question, are we my brothers keeper? Yes, we are brothers in Christ, and I know that my job as my Glen’s brother is to protect him, to keep him safe, to observe, and to take care of him when in need. I am my brothers keeper, and vise versa. Yes we are responsible for our own lives, but we are family, and family takes care of family.

 

I have often had friends come to me when they only needed something, and cared little for the state of my life, but the relationship with my brother is very different. In the darkest of my days, I know he’s right there for me always. Living in Christ is not an easy thing to do, but when we living with Christ shining through us, we become a light in the dark. Jesus Christ is our brother, our savior, our King, and we can only hope to be like Him. I thank God every day for the brothers he’s given me throughout my life. I am grateful for the time I have had, and look forward to many more years with my brother Glen.

 

Brother: Needtobreathe

 

Ramblers in the wilderness we can’t find what we need
We get a little restless from the searching
Get a little worn down in between
Like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes
Everybody needs someone beside em’ shining like a lighthouse from the sea

Brother let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart
I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were
Now my hands can’t reach that far
I ain’t made for a rivalry, I could never take the world alone
I know that in my weakness I am stronger
It’s your love that brings me home

Brother let me be your shelter
I’ll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

Brother let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

Brother let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re feeling low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

Brother let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

 

 

 

 

Parasite

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Parasite

Are you allowing people to stay in your life who only come around for encouragement, or when they need something? These people drain your emotional resource but never replenish it. These people will never or rarely be there for you. I have had many difference parasites live in my life. I’ve had people who only come around when it’s convenient for them. These people come around to refill their supply of good vibes and then when they are full, they move forward again. Most of my life I’ve had people seem to use me for whatever they wanted, and then when it no longer suited them, they left. I’ve been host to many parasites over the years. One of my faults is not knowing that I’m being taken advantage of. Even people I’ve cared about have used me for their personal gain and once their goals were achieved, again, thrown away. People can truly be parasites and latch on and just like a leach, suck away your passion, your joy, your love, and leave you with next to nothing.

Recently I had a situation come up that really got me thinking about how others think.

About seven weeks ago I started talking to this seemingly nice lady online. We’d been talking on and off for that whole time, and finally the question came up ‘are we compatible’? I took a long look at what was on my list, and what I believe in, and what she believed in, and my answer was no, we aren’t. However, I felt that there was plenty of good qualities to maintain a friendship. When I told her I didn’t think a relationship would work, she abruptly said goodbye. I had a few minutes to talk with her about why she was leaving and no matter how I reasoned for a friendship, she was insistent on an all or nothing relationship. This struck me as odd because she would be willing to move into a relationship based on the last seven weeks but felt nothing about leaving a friendship. How can you talk to someone for seven weeks and be okay with a romantic relationship but you’re so quick to leave a friendship. I always thought you must have a good solid foundation of friends before the relationship can really flourish.

This situation has prompted me to ask a very important question, ‘if we aren’t compatible for a relationship are you willing to be friends?’ The question seems simple enough, but it’s led me to wonder what people s true motives are, and what drives them. There was no thought to how I would feel in this particular situation, only what was in it for her. Now, on the flip side I can hear some of you thinking ‘maybe she really liked you and she couldn’t just be friends.’ While yes, this is always a possibility, I didn’t get that impression at all in the conversation. With everything she had said, she really couldn’t see a benefit to being friends. This of course triggered an emotional response from me, as I questioned yet again my self-worth. It’s not easy feeling that kind of rejection. I’m sure she felt some form of rejection also, but she knew our beliefs weren’t the same and weren’t compatible so she also said no in a way, but the rejection was a friendship. I wonder what I failed to do in those seven weeks to show myself as a worthy friend. I wonder why I wasn’t good enough to be a friend. The thing is, and this is easy to say, hard to believe, it wasn’t about me at all. This was about what I could be for her, and that was her only thought. She too, thrives on taking from others, and cares little about what she gives in return.

Scripture talks about those who would take from you, use you, abuse you, and yet, I think it’s often overlooked. So many relationships are symbiotic and while sometimes this is a good thing, there are forms of symbiotic relationships that are harmful to one or both of the symbiont. The four types are mutualism, commensalism, parasitism, and competition. The one we’re going to discuss is parasitism. This is where one of the symbiotes is gaining something by taking it from the other relationship. In essence, calling someone a parasite in your life is not only accurate, but it happens in nature quite often, and people are no different. Remember though, you have a choice, you have a choice to live a life in love, or hate.

An article I found https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/one-sided-relationship/1269161gives a good account of the warning signs to look for if you think you may be in one of these relationships. It’s pretty clear these relationships are harmful, and must not be a long-term relationship. I encourage you to turn to scripture when you think you may be in this situation. Luke 8:17 (NKJV)17 “For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light” Remember that people aren’t going to be up front about their intentions, and they may not even realize what they are doing is harmful. It’s important to approach with love, and show concern towards the relationship and attempt to get your partner to change their ways. However, if this doesn’t happen, you need to have a long conversation with God about what’s best for you to do. You will be surrounded by opinions, and those may be good, they may be bad, but no matter what surrounds you, it’s important to followHebrews 12:1 (NKJV)“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,”

Remember that if you are abundant with love, and a giving nature you are wealthy in spirit. People will want this, and it’s not just a wealth of money people seek, but anything that can be given is an object of affection. People sometimes want to have someone to serve them, or be their punching bag. People in abusive relationships are also in that symbiotic relationship, and as you give up your self to stay in that relationship, you are giving the other person power, control, by giving up your own. They thrive on that, and as long as you’re willing to stay, they will continue to feed on that. Proverbs 19:4“Wealth maketh many friends; but the poor is separated from his neighbour.”

Fear not though, because there is always a way out, and if you don’t know what that may be, or you need help figuring out the best course of action, or if you just need someone to talk to about it, I urge you to seek Godly counsel. I urge you to take a long hard look at what’s going on in your life. If your resource is being drained, perhaps counseling is needed, couples counseling, or individual at the very least. James 1:5“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” Seek God first in every situation, and trust that there is still hope. If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, I urge you to seek help right away. I urge you to stand up for yourself by removing yourself from a dangerous situation. Second is an emotionally abusive relationship, I urge you to seek counsel right away. Attempt to get into counseling, and see if you can change the statuesque.

No matter where you are in your life, always proceed with love. You can love someone, but that doesn’t mean they are healthy for you. As such you can love an addiction, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you. You must have discernment with who you give abundantly too. Trust in the Lord to watch over you, and protect you. This doesn’t mean the Lord will snap his fingers and your abuser will stop abusing, but more, the Lord will give you a way out, people that will help you, but only if you seek. I’ve heard before “why did God let my ______ to abuse me?” See, God doesn’t let anyone get away with anything. Those things happen, but God doesn’t forget. You always have the ability to leave. It may not be easy, but you can leave. You will have to make a choice in your life, and trust in God to be there with you no matter what you choose to do.

If any who reads find yourselves in any of these situations, please pray about what you need to do, and please be sure to seek Godly counsel and help. Make sure you are safe and not in a dangerous situation. God will be with you, and God will be there to comfort your spirit. You don’t have to stay in those kinds of relationships. If you are a person who gives and gives and people take advantage over your kindness, your generosity, pray about what you are doing. What you have is a gift from God and we are told in scripture to use our gifts wisely and for what is edifying of the Holy Spirit. Love everyone, but don’t enable bad behavior. Use your gifts on those who truly need and appreciate them. Don’t waist your energy, your hard work, or even your own hard-earned money in some cases on those who aren’t willing to work for themselves. Use discernment in all you do.

I am praying for all of you that this post may touch in a special way, and I pray God gives you what you need to a better tomorrow.

You Wanna Know How I Got These Scars?

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You Wanna Know How I Got These Scars?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and noticed the scars you have? I have scars I see every day when I look in the mirror. My body is covered with scars from years of unfortunate accidents, injuries, and just a result of a rough life. I don’t just see the physical scars in the mirror but the emotional ones also. I was told recently that the traumas and trials I’ve faced are enough for maybe 3 peoples lifetimes. I had never really thought about it like that before. All I think about is how horrible it’s been sometimes, if I think about them at all. One of the things I was very good at was not dealing with my emotional pain. I tried to bury it and run away forgetting where I put it. Sadly, when it comes to grief and pain, you can’t outrun it. What you bury will come back to haunt you, and it’s usually pretty angry when it does. I recently wrote a blog post talking about running from grief. https://thearrowpreacher.wordpress.com/2018/05/29/man-on-the-run/ I won’t be rehashing an old topic. Instead in this post, I’ll be discussing how to use those scars to your advantage.

In 34 ish years I’ve seen a lot of things, and I’ve been to a lot of places. I’ve seen the world from the 3rdworldview, and I’ve seen the world from a luxury hotel downtown Chicago. No matter where I’ve gone one thing has been certain, the Holy Spirit has been right there with me the whole time. From the age of a little kid I have felt the Holy Spirit with me. I have moved through life feeling the Holy Spirit, yet running from an obvious calling within my life. Most of my life I have felt as if something were missing. I have felt a sense of lacking and never quite feeling useful. I have lacked purpose in my life. I thought my purpose was to be a good friend, a good husband, but although in my biased opinion, I am a good friend, and I am a good husband, or more accurately was a good husband, I now realize something new. For each scar I have a story. Each story is a chance to reach out to someone in need. Purpose will always be, where God is sending you. Today, I sit here thinking about each one of my scars mental and physical, and I have slowly started to realize what the purpose after all these years may have been.

When I think back to a man with scars I am reminded of the Apostle Paul. He suffered a great deal of physical torment throughout his ministry. Through the book of Acts you see Paul’s struggles. You see him get beaten, shipwrecked, stoned, hunted, imprisoned, and yet as he talks about how far he’s come. Galatians 6:17“17 From now on let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus.” I for one cannot imagine the pain he must have been in every day. In a time where most serious injuries would likely cripple or kill someone, he managed to keep going despite his injuries. It wasn’t as if they could go to the nearest CVS or Walmart and get Tylenol. Not being able to set broken bones, or take anti inflammatory, or even penicillin must have made healing very difficult. Here’s a man that literally took beatings and  torture for God, never once throwing up his hands and saying, ‘Nope, I made it all up, Jesus was a nobody.’ Even till Paul’s dying day, scars and all, he maintained his position that Jesus Christ was the Son of God, the truth the way the light. His scars were his testimony and what a testimony he had! I have spent a lifetime wondering why I’ve been through so much. I’ve often sat in the dark, yelling to God to answer my questions. After 34 years I may have finally gotten the answer I have been waiting for.

When you pick up your cross you will find persecution. In persecutions you will find both physical and emotional scars are part of the journey. Scars are sometimes badges of honor when we are a blessing to Jesus. Our scars are a reminder of where we’ve been, and a lesion learned no matter what caused the scar. Sometimes a scar is gained by playing with friends. Sometimes a scar is from someone doing unspeakable things to you. No matter where your scars are from, either good or bad, we can always take away some kind of lesson. I’ve seen many people after a trauma turn cold and bitter towards the people around them. I can’t say I’m innocent either. I have become angry when I’ve been hurt. I’ve seen people destroy lives, destroy families after suffering from loss. We will always have scars, but as a sword in the fire, we will either become brittle and break, or become strong and sharp. True courage is to face the pain, and face the troubled waters with honor and dignity and above all else, faith that God will use that pain for good, not for more suffering.

I have scars from surgeries, everything from knee, to hernia, to tonsillectomy, to cervical spine fusion, and more. I have emotional scars from death, from relationships, from war, and much more. When I look in the mirror I see a man who’s endured much, and yet I still stand. I face the world with hope, and with agape (love) in my heart for those around me. Even as I was going through a horrible divorce with my ex wife, and while there were things said and done that were beyond awful, I stood by her side and endured the pain and hardships. Now after all that time, we are talking, we spend time together, and we have a pretty amazing friendship. All the pain that was endured has allowed me to be there for her, now when she needs it. Living with Christ in your heart, loving deeply and not just what this world considers love anymore, is not an easy venture but God is watching and he will bless you for it. Pain is a hard thing to be stuck with, especially if you don’t know why, and you don’t know what to do with it. But I say to you, there is hope, and there is purpose. You will have to turn to God with love and prayer, and surrender in your heart. You will have to allow God to hold you up, and you will have to surrender over a piece of your self. Jesus Christ can heal your heart if you let Him. Jesus is always with you, and you just need to ask, and accept that without Christ we are nothing, but with Christ we are royalty to paradise. We are all soldiers, and with our scars of battle, we choose to surrender to the Devil, or fight for the throne in Heaven.

I was thinking back to an old post I wrote, and an old Sermon by Dr. David Chambers of my church. Why was our savior brought into this world as a baby? It was so that he would grow, and live among us, so we could relate to Him on a deep intimate level. His life had pain, and losses, and poverty, just like many of us. He survived the baby massacre, and then lost his Dad Joseph early in his life. He would grow to preach and teach God’s word, and when the time came he was tortured horribly, to just an inch of his life, and then he carried a heavy tree for a few miles, just to be placed on that tree and hung for all the world to see. Christ suffered horribly for each and every one of us, so we may one day live to live in eternal salvation. “Living is not for the weak.” (Arrow)It takes great courage to live with pain. It takes courage to find a path where you can use your pain for good rather then evil. How many stories have you seen or heard that started off with the villain saying ‘I was done wrong, so I’m going to make them pay.’ Or something along those lines anyway. Emotional pain is a strong motivator and it can cause good people to do awful things. Every one of us is capable of great things, or completely evil things. When we use our pain to heal from the truth written on those pages in scripture, then we are on the path to enlightenment.

Under the right situations your pain and suffering may be used to inspire and help others. I for one am starting to realize that all my life has been training. All the hardships I’ve faced and it being mostly traumatic incidences has given me the unique perspective to understand the nature of that kind of pain. I understand the pain of loosing a loved one to divorce. I’ve lost people in my life before, but my marriage this time was one of the hardest. The unfortunate event that occurred the day I found out my wife was leaving would forever be a day of great tragedy for me. That fateful day I succumbed to the pain and suffering that I spent so much effort running from. I’m ashamed of myself, and I still have a hard time believing it was me that day, but I have the scar to show for it. Today when I think back at my scars, I think now, how can I help others? How can I help prevent what happened to me, happen to anyone else? As I have been looking into my future since my security job imploded I have been led to believe ministry is my true calling. For years I looked at the ministry to be for someone much smarter, much braver, and much more people friendly. God uses the most unlikely of people sometimes to do His work. I have heard from many in ministry about running from their calling and how miserable their life was the whole time. Ministry is perhaps one of the hardest things to do, with some of the most stress in any job. Ministry comes with some of the most emotional drain out there, but people are genuinely happier, despite the level of stress that comes with.

I realized my traumas have been preparing me to help others get through theirs. Through most of my incidences I didn’t have a therapist, or a chaplain there to help me through. I was left to navigate the minefield, and as it became more and more dense with each passing trauma, I was bound to step on a landmine. When I finally stepped on one, and I ended up in the hospital, I was faced with a fundamental change in my life. It was the beginning of the end of a path I had been on for 7 years of a career, and 32 years of my life. Through it wasn’t easy for me to face facts, eventually, that closure would come from God as my job in security would end abruptly and with finality. I know many of you have endured great pain and suffering, and you can’t see any reason why you were made to suffer. First off let me say that there are a lot of reasons we are hurt. Sin is the most likely for most. Health is next in line. Then lastly personal choice to make bad decisions causes many of our struggles. No matter what flavor of pain you have, know that it is up to you to find a scriptural purpose for it. I have decided that my vast knowledge of all kinds of different pain and trauma makes Christian Crisis Counseling a perfect job for me. I can use my pain and suffering to inspire and guide others through their crucibles. I have chosen to embrace my pain instead of running from it. I have chosen to use my pain instead of burying it. If I can use my experience to help God’s people, it would be a sin not to.

I have run from God’s calling into ministry my whole life, and there’s always been something missing. I’ve always struggled with depression, and even though I’m not perfect and sometimes I still have my bad days, I am driven to continue my growth in the Lord. I pray to God to continue to show me my path, and to give me grace and mercy along the way. I fully expect the Devil to try and break me down during my journey, and any journey towards chaplaincy or pastoral ministry is going to fall under attack by the Devil. If we are going to follow in Christ we must live differently, so we can show others a different way to live. We must be productive in our faith, and not squander our experiences. I think of the things a father teaches a son. A father teaches their child how to treat others, how to be a responsible person, and how to love. They teach them how to do things around the house, how to hunt, and fish, and throw a baseball. But more importantly a Christian father will teach their kids, rather train their kids to be in Christ. I didn’t have a father growing up and I missed out on a lot of important lesions and experiences, but now I look to my Heavenly father for guidance and love, and approval. I have hidden behind my scars for so long, now I have to learn to embrace them and use them to help others. It won’t be an easy road, and I suspect there will be days when I will feel the weight of my decisions, but as Paul said to Timothy, I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. I too shall join that fight in ministry as I start my path to chaplaincy, and God willing maybe more.

There are days when my scars hurt, but I know God won’t ever leave me, He won’t ever forsake me, and I know now, my scars were not in vein. We must learn to see beyond our own pain, and trust that in all things we go through God is working it out so we may find peace, not sorrow. We live in a fallen world so pain and trials will come, but we don’t have to let it destroy us. I challenge each and every one of you to go out there and find your purpose in Gods plan. It’s likely your scars are for a purpose and that you can use them for good. Your scars can give you strength and understanding in areas perhaps others cannot. I challenge you to stop running from God and embrace your gifts and your life experiences. Pass on what you have learned, and remember failure is the greatest teacher you will ever have. Use your failures to help others see. Never give up on yourself because Christ wont’ ever give up on you.

 

 

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Baby Don’t Hurt Me No More

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Baby Don’t Hurt Me No More

Hebrews 11:1-3“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 2 For by it the people of old received their commendation. 3 By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.” We walk by faith because our eyes deceive us. We walk by faith because sometimes we have nothing else. When the world is tops turby and we cannot see, we must trust in the Lord to deliver us. Wherever God has us go we must trust our divine purpose. More then trust the where, is the why. It’s hard, and we often cry out in pain, and we beg it to stop, but in the words of Captain James T. Kirk. “I need my pain!” (The Final Frontier) 

Pain comes to all who walk this Earth. Pain is an inevitablility that we don’t like to think about, but it’s an undeniable reality. Since the fall of Eden in Genesis 3: 19b“till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken: for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”And further Genesis 3:24“24 He drove out the man, and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life.”God said we would suffer for food for what we have we must forever work hard, Genesis 3:6-7.It wasn’t just sin that entered the world with the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, it was also evil. Now it must be understood that evil existed prior to the fall from Eden. This is seen in the conversation between Satan and Eve. Sin is the gateway to evil in many ways. It’s largely in our own pain comes. When selfish desire out weighs love, people get hurt. When we no longer take into account how our actions affect others, people close to us can get hurt.

In my personal life I have often asked Abba to deliver me from my pain. I have gone to Him in prayer, and begged for absolution. I have often wondered how long I would be made to wait. How I could get to where I needed to be, so I could walk on the right path? I’ve come to realize perhaps my path is to wait. Perhaps what I desire most hasn’t come into my life yet because whomever it is may not be ready in their walk. Realizing this, and trying to look at the bigger picture of life as a Chess game, I realize that in order to mount an attack, or even a defense, pieces need to be moved to the right place, and that doesn’t happen all at once. So I now sit, more patient in my self, and more trusting of the greatness that is God’s plan. Waiting is always the worst and hardest part, especially for those personality types that feel they have to be moving, doing things in order to get what they want.

Being hurt in a relationship is hard. When it seems a love has been destroyed by lust and lies and others sins, it’s impossible not to feel pain. I have a secret for you. Pain can be managed and will diminish in time. When we put our faith in God and trust a path, we can begin to heal. Forgiveness is a big part of healing, but also a major roll in relationships. Without forgiveness, scores are kept, and when arguments ensue that thing you forgot to do 6 years ago is now being used as a weapon. When we feel wounded or trapped we as humans like to lash out with insults designed to cut the deepest. If you don’t want to hurt anymore, I’m sorry to say there’s no quick fix. I recently knew someone that was going through a divorce. They thought they were ready to move forward, and I was sure to ask multiple times if they were ready for that, and every time was a yes. Sadly when the time came and they were connecting with someone they met, the cold feet, fear, and doubt crept in. they bowed out abruptly, and sadly leaving hurt feelings behind.

We may not be able to avoid pain from others all the time, not if we want to actively engage in human relationships. We can however be more careful with whom we get close to. When living in sing actively, it’s like playing hot potato with a grenade. It’s going to go off and anyone in the area will be affected. Ownership of the grenade doesn’t matter anymore because it affects everyone around. Much of our anguish is brought on by our own decisions. When I worked security at a local mall I often saw teenage girls crying in the office waiting for local law enforcement. They were caught shop lifting and now they were going to face those consequences. If you don’t want the pain and embarrassment perhaps doing sinful things isn’t for you.

Our paths change with every decision we make. Our choices are the rudder of our ship. When we sin in a big way we are thrown off course in a big way, but it’s because we threw the wheel knocking ourselves off course. If someone else sins it’s like being hit by a wave. Of course the bigger their sinful choice the bigger the wave. No matter the impact we are still captain of our own ships. We choose how we live our lives by the decisions we make. How we deal with the storms when the come, is still on us, and how well we manage our own ship. While a storm may damage your ship, Jesus says to ‘not to be afraid, for the Lord is with you.’ Do not doubt but be courageous in your walk. Trust in the Lord to lead you wherever you are meant to be. You may travel to the ends of the Earth and fight mighty battles, but god is with you. Do not get stuck in the pain. Instead learn to forgive and keep marching on. Do not grow weary in your grief instead turn that into motivation. Embrace the pain because you must face it to deal with it. One day the pain of this world will end and the day Jesus calls you home. Genesis 15:1“After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Fear not, Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great.” Let God be your shield, your protection, your rock, your foundation.

 

 

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Tough Changes

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Tough Changes

Have you ever been in a situation where you dreaded to face changes? I recently experienced the need to change my cell phone case. It wasn’t allowing me to use the functions as they should have been and it became more of an inconvenience then the protection it added. I think tough changes are hard for many people to go through. Changes at your job can be tough, and stressful. Changing schools can be tough for many. Moving out of your parents house and getting your own place can be an incredibly hard change to go through. All of these things are easy or difficult depending on each individual person. While for each situation everyone’s reaction is drastically different, and while some love change, and others loath it, one of the biggest things to change is our actions.

A popular saying is “some people never change.” Another popular saying is “once a cheater, always a cheater.” While both of these are very popular, how true do you personally think these sayings are? From my personal experience I believe they are right on the money. I think the hardest thing we will ever do is change our personality to change our actions. I’ve always said humanity would never change without a major outside force. I always figured a global extinction event such as asteroid, or drought, or contagion would be the most likely just behind nuclear war. Alien invasion (less likely) could potentially bring humanity together to face a common enemy. That being said, most people do not change without something big, and life changing occurring within their life or someone very close to them. Cancer, or a near death accident has a way to change someone’s perspectives. While we often see a spiritual change in some during these times, it doesn’t always stick. The biggest change most will ever experience is the coming to the savior Jesus Christ. It’s the change in the heart that can change a man completely.

Romans 12:1-2“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” In the Lord we are born anew. In the Holy Spirit the soul is reborn in fire. When the Lord takes hold of our hearts, we cannot not be changed. We must push forward in the Lord and we must face that like the Phoenix, we are reborn in the burning fires of the Lord, and in our new selves we are compelled to repulse the desire of the sinful flesh. 2 Corinthians 5:17“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

Change isn’t always easy, and even when you begin the following of the Lord, change isn’t always easy even after choosing the Lord. In our struggles though we should turn to our siblings in Christ and ask for them to help keep us accountable and true. We grow and we sprout from seeds in Christ and grow into a wonderful flower. The beauty in this world is only limited by our own stubborn selves. We often want to stay in our struggles because we are unwilling to change our own actions. We must change our lifestyles if we are ever expecting to change our own lives. I have watched my life grow and change in my financial walk with the Lord, my spiritual walk with my God, and even how I treat my friends. While life is full of tough challenges, changing our hearts to follow the Lord, and living in love, and denouncing hate shouldn’t be so hard, but the draw of sin is strong. Keep your faith, and keep your eyes on Jesus and always strive to change yourself to better please the Lord to what we see in scripture. Never give up hope on those around you who may be stuck in sin, and who don’t treat others with respect or love. It

Light or Dark

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Light or Dark

The darkest night covers me and I need you

The sun fuels my heart and gives me warmth and strength. I need you then too.

Because of you I’m alive.

No matter where I am, or the season I’m in, my Lord I need you.

Who am I without you, I am no one.

The Lord of all knows my name.

 

The Lord who created in love not because of what I do, just because I am. I am a sinful man, but love saved me. Never because of what I’ve done, just because of what you are. No matter my of praise, or my day of prayer your grace comforts me. Today the flowers bloom, and tomorrow the ice shall come, but in all my day, and in all my ways I am yours. Because you are with me I shall not fear the night. The night was so dark without you, but your glory so bright the single ray of light when the sun peaks the horizon, the darkness breaks. Jesus Christ the pure light that would forever push the darkness away rose.

What do I have to offer the king of the universe, my heart, my everything, and yet I will never be worthy of the gift bestowed upon me. I can surrender all and even up to my life it would never cover the debt. But it is grace, and love my bill was covered by Christ. I was so loved before I was born that for me my sins and the sins of billions of others, a blood debt freely given, ransomed for my freedom of death. If my debt was paid when I’m knocked down, who then do I fight for? Christ got back up and his strength became my strength. I will get back up and continue to fight till my dying breath. I owe it to Christ to never give up and never surrender to the darkness.

God’s word has withstood the test of time, and even now as we can see the darkness covering the land, we will watch, as God’s will, will be done. Those who criticize the word and those who push to remove God’s presence from the public will one day stand in judgment. The light of the word may be pushed away but in time the raging tide will again be tamed by the Lord. God’s word will stand firm, and the darkness will be pushed back, snuffed out by the light. No matter how far we fall it’s never to late to change our course. We cannot stop praying, or hoping for God to save us. We cannot stop worshiping the Lord no matter if things are great, or if everything has been blown to a million pieces. Yesterday is gone and we don’t live there anymore. We must learn to say goodbye to the past, and live in today. The heart may have been broken yesterday, but every day we breath is a new day of growing, a new day of healing. We must tell ourselves every day that Jesus is still with us, and in his love we are healed. You cannot expect to have an answer for every tragedy that happens, and in our walk we must learn to focus on Jesus. This world is not the end, and one day the end will come on this life and the walls that kept us confined will be no more. This is not where we belong forever, and we can count on the promise made by Jesus to one day sit before the King and be accepted into the light. This life is but a fleeting speck of dust in the wind, and if we want to go home, know that this world will one day wash away.

Praise the Lord for success, and praise the Lord in failure. In every chance we get, both good and bad, fix your eyes on the one and only thing that will satisfy your heart and that’s Jesus. Life can be hard, and we are told to expect the trials that come, and the persecutions that come with following Christ, but “If you can take it, you can make it.” (Unbroken) I am a broken man, and I fail every day to live up to what God expects of me. I know I fail, and I know I fall, but I know that because of grace, and I know what true love means, I still stand here knowing God is with me. I know I have the power of the Holy Spirit with me and I’m called to be more. I’m called to push myself, and to stand toe to toe with the darkness. Every day I stand and pray to protect me from the attacks. Every day I praise my God for the blessings I have. I know I am protected and I know that for Jesus saves my soul every day. I know that every day I wake hope is here. Every day I see the hope all around me, and I know that it’ll be all right. I’ve experienced the darkness, and I’ve seen the light. I’ve felt the cold, but the warmth always triumphs. In every tear that falls God holds them. In every heart that breaks God feels our pain, and yet healing begins with Christ.

Light or dark, we decide where to stand. We can choose to stay in the darkness avoiding the light if we wish, but when it gets cold, or the demons come to creep, know the light will always accept you. You can choose to live in fear of the unknown, or you can choose to trust in Jesus and know that there is a brighter future waiting for you. You can choose to walk in the darkness, but no matter where you choose to walk, Jesus Christ is always there with you. If you choose to walk in the darkness, you have to expect to stub your toe on the furniture. Who then will you blame, God for not removing the obstacle, or yourself for not turning on the light? We as people will always learn more from hardships then a life of ease and calm rivers. If you are to be truly tested we must first be pushed to the limits to know what we are truly capable of. It’s in these times we need to turn to Christ more then ever, because we do not truly grow otherwise. We often pray for things we think are good for us, but we only see two feet ahead, but God sees a mile. We are but children clamoring around the house trying to place our finger in a light socket. God tries to warn us what not to do, but we are a stubborn people, and if we truly wish for a smoother ride we must learn to trust in the Lord and stop being so resistant to what we are told. God’s grace and love is unyielding, but our acceptance of it into our hearts is purely voluntary. Jesus loves you more then you know, and we should praise the Lord in all things, each and every day. Because our savior lives we must pray. We overcome by the power of His blood, and we are alive because he lives. Prayer is the absolute least we can do, and for the gift of life, shouldn’t we do at least that? We would be dead without Christ. Sin and shame would be all we are without the blood, and we’re alive because He lives. The light that would forever be the voice over the shadow, my life was and is held in His hands. So I pray to you Lord, thank you for my life, thank you for my pain, thank you for your love, and thank you for your gracious sacrifice for me. In your Holy Name, Amen.

Good Enough?

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Good Enough?

If you are going through your life telling yourself you’re a good enough person and you think that’s what it takes to make it into heaven I have sad news for you, you won’t. John 14:6 “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” People seem to think that if they put enough money in the collection plate they are doing good enough for God. People think that volunteering or helping out the elderly is good enough for their golden ticket to wonderland. The truth is, harsh as it may seem, your good works are trash before God if you do not believe in the Son. God while he appreciates your good works, and your good nature, it means nothing if you do not accept the blood spilt upon Calvary’s cross that day 2000 years ago. Good works come with salvation because there is a fundamental change in your heart. Galatians 10:18 “So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.” We should want to help because when the Holy Spirit moves in us we have a desire to do good for others less fortunate then ourselves.

 

You think you are the center of the universe and you can make up your own rules about what’s okay and what isn’t. You think you can follow the law, and that you can compare one law to the next. So many times I’ve heard, ‘yea I have broken a few laws, but at least I’ve never stolen anything, or killed anyone.’ While that’s nice, sin before the Lord is just as bad as the next sin. There are 613 laws in the Old Testament. How many times have you broken OT laws? But you’ve never killed anyone right? Your works don’t mean anything because that’s not where your salvation lays. With most laws there are loopholes you can squeeze out of. I know someone who drove drunk, got stopped and blew in the field above the legal limit. It’s likely that person will manage out of trouble because they didn’t blow twice in the field which is the standard for anyone who blows above the legal limit. So, because of a technicality they may avoid serious trouble. With God there is no loophole. With salvation there is no loophole. If you do not believe in the sacrifice of the Son there is no chance to salvation for you. We would never be able to keep all the laws. The laws are there to act as a reminder how to act, not to provide you salvation. An evil person does not obey the laws and yes while they are breaking laws, the heart is the problem. A good person who does good works and is kind to others, but doesn’t know the Lord is on the same plane as the evil person. We cannot judge someone based on our standards because lets face it, peoples, or societies standards have drastically changed over time. If you want to know your going to be saved, you must accept the only way to heaven, and that’s Jesus Christ. Nothing else you do will matter until you find and accept Christ.

 

Without Christ nothing else matters. Every law, every action we are told to take points us to one thing, Christ. We cannot base our salvation on our own standards. We are meaningless without Christ. Without Christ our lives mean absolutely nothing. You seek truth, and you seek knowledge but you deny the words in a book you find antiquated. You believe science is the end all to all the questions. You believe theories to be truth, and yet in every theory is a new counter theory. While some theories sound good, it’s the beginning of understanding, not the end. We must understand that we are children and as children we aren’t told everything. We are guided, we are taught as time goes on, but we never stop learning, we never stop growing. There is to much evidence to deny the existence of Jesus Christ and to deny the works of his time would be folly. You have no idea the dangers that existed for those men who traveled with Christ. Their very lives were threatened every day, and they knew they could live long happy lives if they just denounced Christ and walked away. Every one of them chose to pursue the truth because the truth was stronger then anything they would face in this world. It wasn’t their works that secured their place in heaven, but their love and devotion for Christ. Their sacrifice gave us the eye witness accounts so we may know what happened in those 3 years of Jesus’s ministry. They died so we may live. They gave us the instructions inspired by God, and what they experienced first hand. 2 Corinthians 12:11 “I have been a fool! You forced me to it, for I ought to have been commended by you. For I was not at all inferior to these super-apostles, even though I am nothing.” At this time Paul was being attacked for his position. Instead of trying to defend himself and his own resume, he stood up saying he was nothing because the only thing that truly matters is Christ. “Who you are, in this moment in time, and who you want to be. You get one life, you decide how you’re going to spend it.” (Jumanji) We can either choose a life following Christ, or suffer the consequences. As for me, I’d rather not spend eternity in hell because I was too stubborn to follow the truth.

 

 

The Thorn

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The Thorn

We all have something I hope that keeps us grounded to not boast of ourselves being conceited. I hope we all have something that keeps us in our place and reminds us that we are nothing without Christ. For me, I do not know what my thorn in, but I know what I loose, and every time I think I’ve begun to gain, I loose again, and again, and again, friendships. I have struggled with my loneliness, and my self worth that has been reliant on the approval and acceptance of others. The problem I had faced was not realizing when I had actually been accepted. I set my standards so high, even I’m not sure anyone was able to reach them. I think growing up I put so much weight on the friendships I saw on TV. I think back to the show ‘Boy Meets World’, where I put so much on the friendship between Cory and Shawn. Two peas in a pod, and yet I don’t know if I ever felt that kind of friendship with anyone. Now, looking back, I consider the relationship between Cory and Tapanga, and though I’ve been married twice, I don’t know if either wife has ever felt for me the same as I did them. I don’t believe, now I’m looking back, that anyone has felt for me the devotion perhaps they should have in order to get married. The thorn in my side is my faith in people and being let down over and over by the failures of those people in my life. It isn’t about the small mistakes people make, it’s how easily people walk away like the relationship, or me in particular didn’t mean anything to them. This of all things has been my biggest struggle, my biggest reminder of where I am. 2 Corinthians 12:7-9 “7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

 I’ve been held in the grasp of fear, and loss, and rejection for far too long. I have given time, effort, and energy on people who have shown little respect for me. I have considered my life and experience to teach me how important close bonds are. I have had so many near death experiences I have figured out I view life and friendships and even more important, relationships as being so important in our life. I have always viewed that first thing in your life is God, and then second is those around you. With good friends and a good significant other you can actually achieve almost anything. It’s not about the quantity but the quality of the people you keep in your circle. For me, I have spent a lifetime trying to feel like I belong someplace. I have spent a lifetime feeling like an outsider, like I never fit in. To be honest I felt like young Hercules in the Disney film. The song ‘Go The Distance’ has been my theme song for many, many years. It’s kept me grounded to this world, and has kept me in perpetual agony all these years. Why couldn’t I find my place in this world? Why would everyone up and abandon me when the road got a little bumpy? I found the silence in my life to be defining, loud in my ears. The silence allowed my thoughts to be heard at a mile a minute. I couldn’t find how to silence them. The quiet turned my thoughts into a barrage of noise I couldn’t block out. The silence was a constant attack that would force me to listen to something, anything, just to drown out my own thoughts. The truth is though, it’s up for me to slow down, to focus, and pick and choose what I allow in. While I can’t say for sure if we can control our thoughts, we can control how we let them affect us.

Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” The whispers in our ear might be one of two things, the Devil’s lies and temptations, or the Holy Spirit guiding you. We often let our imagination run wild, and allow the worst thoughts to flood our minds. Those thoughts bring horrible feelings and anxiety, and with that it can bring depression, self-doubt, and a spiral downward we may not be able to stop. It’s in those moments I would implore you to focus on the moment. Proverbs 4:25 “Let your eyes look directly ahead And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.” Do not be fooled by the thoughts of tomorrow for you cannot control life moment to moment, only your own actions. We have two ways we can set our intentional focus. We can set them in the words of Mark 7:21 “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries,” Or we can focus on the words found in, Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Each is a choice of constant effort in perspective. Do not allow the thorn to be stuck in your side as a negative thing. Instead remember it keeps you grounded and humble in front of the Lord. Praise God for all things, the good and the bad. Praise God for the successes we have, and also the failures, which bring us to our knees. Do not be made a victim of the lies of this world, instead be a light that shines above the darkness. Use that thorn to push you, to drive you to be better, not to succumb to its effects. I am moving in a positive direction with my own struggles, and I know with time, energy, and lots of prayer, you can too. Never give up hope, and never stop trying to focus on the positive lessons we can learn.