Tag: money

Light or Dark

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Light or Dark

The darkest night covers me and I need you

The sun fuels my heart and gives me warmth and strength. I need you then too.

Because of you I’m alive.

No matter where I am, or the season I’m in, my Lord I need you.

Who am I without you, I am no one.

The Lord of all knows my name.

 

The Lord who created in love not because of what I do, just because I am. I am a sinful man, but love saved me. Never because of what I’ve done, just because of what you are. No matter my of praise, or my day of prayer your grace comforts me. Today the flowers bloom, and tomorrow the ice shall come, but in all my day, and in all my ways I am yours. Because you are with me I shall not fear the night. The night was so dark without you, but your glory so bright the single ray of light when the sun peaks the horizon, the darkness breaks. Jesus Christ the pure light that would forever push the darkness away rose.

What do I have to offer the king of the universe, my heart, my everything, and yet I will never be worthy of the gift bestowed upon me. I can surrender all and even up to my life it would never cover the debt. But it is grace, and love my bill was covered by Christ. I was so loved before I was born that for me my sins and the sins of billions of others, a blood debt freely given, ransomed for my freedom of death. If my debt was paid when I’m knocked down, who then do I fight for? Christ got back up and his strength became my strength. I will get back up and continue to fight till my dying breath. I owe it to Christ to never give up and never surrender to the darkness.

God’s word has withstood the test of time, and even now as we can see the darkness covering the land, we will watch, as God’s will, will be done. Those who criticize the word and those who push to remove God’s presence from the public will one day stand in judgment. The light of the word may be pushed away but in time the raging tide will again be tamed by the Lord. God’s word will stand firm, and the darkness will be pushed back, snuffed out by the light. No matter how far we fall it’s never to late to change our course. We cannot stop praying, or hoping for God to save us. We cannot stop worshiping the Lord no matter if things are great, or if everything has been blown to a million pieces. Yesterday is gone and we don’t live there anymore. We must learn to say goodbye to the past, and live in today. The heart may have been broken yesterday, but every day we breath is a new day of growing, a new day of healing. We must tell ourselves every day that Jesus is still with us, and in his love we are healed. You cannot expect to have an answer for every tragedy that happens, and in our walk we must learn to focus on Jesus. This world is not the end, and one day the end will come on this life and the walls that kept us confined will be no more. This is not where we belong forever, and we can count on the promise made by Jesus to one day sit before the King and be accepted into the light. This life is but a fleeting speck of dust in the wind, and if we want to go home, know that this world will one day wash away.

Praise the Lord for success, and praise the Lord in failure. In every chance we get, both good and bad, fix your eyes on the one and only thing that will satisfy your heart and that’s Jesus. Life can be hard, and we are told to expect the trials that come, and the persecutions that come with following Christ, but “If you can take it, you can make it.” (Unbroken) I am a broken man, and I fail every day to live up to what God expects of me. I know I fail, and I know I fall, but I know that because of grace, and I know what true love means, I still stand here knowing God is with me. I know I have the power of the Holy Spirit with me and I’m called to be more. I’m called to push myself, and to stand toe to toe with the darkness. Every day I stand and pray to protect me from the attacks. Every day I praise my God for the blessings I have. I know I am protected and I know that for Jesus saves my soul every day. I know that every day I wake hope is here. Every day I see the hope all around me, and I know that it’ll be all right. I’ve experienced the darkness, and I’ve seen the light. I’ve felt the cold, but the warmth always triumphs. In every tear that falls God holds them. In every heart that breaks God feels our pain, and yet healing begins with Christ.

Light or dark, we decide where to stand. We can choose to stay in the darkness avoiding the light if we wish, but when it gets cold, or the demons come to creep, know the light will always accept you. You can choose to live in fear of the unknown, or you can choose to trust in Jesus and know that there is a brighter future waiting for you. You can choose to walk in the darkness, but no matter where you choose to walk, Jesus Christ is always there with you. If you choose to walk in the darkness, you have to expect to stub your toe on the furniture. Who then will you blame, God for not removing the obstacle, or yourself for not turning on the light? We as people will always learn more from hardships then a life of ease and calm rivers. If you are to be truly tested we must first be pushed to the limits to know what we are truly capable of. It’s in these times we need to turn to Christ more then ever, because we do not truly grow otherwise. We often pray for things we think are good for us, but we only see two feet ahead, but God sees a mile. We are but children clamoring around the house trying to place our finger in a light socket. God tries to warn us what not to do, but we are a stubborn people, and if we truly wish for a smoother ride we must learn to trust in the Lord and stop being so resistant to what we are told. God’s grace and love is unyielding, but our acceptance of it into our hearts is purely voluntary. Jesus loves you more then you know, and we should praise the Lord in all things, each and every day. Because our savior lives we must pray. We overcome by the power of His blood, and we are alive because he lives. Prayer is the absolute least we can do, and for the gift of life, shouldn’t we do at least that? We would be dead without Christ. Sin and shame would be all we are without the blood, and we’re alive because He lives. The light that would forever be the voice over the shadow, my life was and is held in His hands. So I pray to you Lord, thank you for my life, thank you for my pain, thank you for your love, and thank you for your gracious sacrifice for me. In your Holy Name, Amen.

Don’t Short Change Yourself

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Don’t Short Change Yourself

It’s not uncommon for someone recovering from an affair, or even after a long relationship to second-guess yourself. It’s easy to blame yourself, and feel at fault for the relationship falling apart. It’s easy to look back at your relationship and pick out everything you did wrong. It’s too easy to only focus on what you did wrong because they left you. One of the things that I’ve heard a lot lately is “it’s their loss.” I’m not sure I truly understand that. It seems to me if they felt they were loosing anything they wouldn’t have left. Even when time has gone by and they still haven’t come home, they obviously don’t feel they’ve lost anything. When time passes by and you don’t have anyone talking to you, no one shows interest, and you haven’t managed to score a date in all that time, yes, the simple truth is, it’s easy to fall into despair.

When you read through the life of David here’s a man that struggled with depression for most of his life. He fought years of depression and struggled with the regrets, the losses, the battles. David made some horrible mistakes, but also achieved a great amount. David was considered to be a man after God’s own heart. The choices we make define us. When we look into the fractured mirror and we no longer recognize who we are, it’s a miracle we need. We need to be able to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. What we need is Jesus. God wants for who we are in his eyes to be who we are. We can always turn our life around. We can always make the choice to turn back away from the self we don’t know for the self washed in the light of the Lord. Our new body, our new soul starts with allowing the worst parts of us to burn away in the flames of trials. God wants us with our scars, our shortcomings and our broken hearts. God knows we can be used no matter what our past may be. While this world races by sometimes far to fast, it’s clear that we are meant to be wherever we are, and all God wants is for us to see Him, to know Him, to cry out to Him, and above all trust in Him.

We may not always see it, we may not see our own self worth because perhaps we allowed someone’s acceptance of us to dictate our worth. Perhaps our jobs defined us, our status, or any other worldly viewpoint. We can’t change what the future may hold, but all we can do is define who we are by who we want to be. We are the masters of our own fate, by being a person that God would be pleased with. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;” No matter the pain we suffering through it all we choose how we treat others. We may struggle, but if we hurt those around us, blame everyone else, we are no better then those who persecute us.

Psalm 34:17-20 “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.” We must always remain faithful in our belief that God is with us. It’s in that belief that we can stand firm in the winds of change, stand firm when the ground breaks apart beneath our feet and still not fall. When we seek the Lord for answers, when we seek help, we can find it in Psalm 23 “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

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 While life can take it’s toll and it can land many solid punches, it’s up to us to hold ourselves up with as much dignity as we can muster. It’s easy to let the Devil win and feel badly about ourselves. Self pity is easy to get into but we can face the beast and come up head held high. Simply put, don’t short change yourself, keep your head high and know that you’re on the winning side. Keep your faith strong, and remember that God is with you always.

Empty shell (Behind The Mask)

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Empty shell (Behind the mask) 

I hate the way I feel, I hate the way that the world doesn’t quite seem as bright and shiny as it once used to. I hate that now I feel like something’s been taken away from me and I question if I’m ever going to get that back. I hate the way you’re happy at least on the surface. I hate what I’ve lost in myself. I hate that I’ve lost the reassurance that the world itself wasn’t such a horrible place. I hate the fact that I’m alone or at least on the surface feel alone. I hate that I feel lost. It feels like my world is crumbling around me and I hate the way I have memories for something, that I’ll never have again. I hate the feeling that I failed and I question if I’ll ever succeed again. I question how long I have to wait before my test is over. I question where I’m going to live, what I’m going do. I question the questions and if they are even appropriate to ask. What made it so bad that made it so hard to stay with me. I question what I did that was so bad that you could hurt someone to the point you’ve hurt me. I feel like you have to shell that’s been cracked and can’t be put back together again. I feel like all the joy that I had has been torn away and replaced with sadness and sorrow, shame, guilt and regret. I feel hallow like I don’t feel real. I feel like an old toy, thrown away when it’s been out grown. I feel sorrow. I feel abused.

God feels so far away. I know the teacher doesn’t interfere during the test, but I feel so abandoned. I know the faith it takes, I know the love that’s there for me, from God and from my friends but I don’t feel it right now. I poured everything I had, everything I was, but too little too late. I have been good and bad, and I know that one day this storm will pass and I will look back and know that faith got me through. Faith doesn’t mean you won’t hurt, doesn’t mean you won’t have negative feelings, it doesn’t mean you can’t and won’t be heart broken, but that when the storm comes you’re ready for it. There’s no time limit on how long you’ll be in the storm. No rules as to how much can be taken from you. No promise to an easy life. The only promise is to be loved by God, and that God will never abandon you.

John Blake: “Not a lot of people know what it feels like to be angry, in your bones. I mean, they understand, foster parents, everybody understands, for awhile. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can’t do, move on. So after awhile they stop understanding. They send the angry kid to a boys home. I figured it out too late. You gotta learn to hide the anger, practice smiling in the mirror. It’s like putting on a mask.”

2 Corinthians 4:8-11 “8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; 10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. 11 For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.”

 Everyday is a battle after heartbreak. Everyday is a baby step forward, and although there may be good days, excellent days, there can also be days where it feels you’ve been knocked back 10 steps. The healing process for me hasn’t been an easy one. The days that have ticked by seconds as minutes, minutes as hours, and what hours seemed like days, those are the days when the mind can play cruel tricks on you. The healing process of heartbreak, of loss, of betrayal can be helped or hindered by many factors. A healthy job, a healthy social life, and eventually a healthy dating life can all assist in the therapeutic repair. Sadly things don’t always go according to our own plan. We may not understand and can have a hard time accepting why so many things can hurt us when all we want to do is heal, move forward, feel better. The truth is, the world may judge you on how you handle a major tragedy in your life. Just as Blake stated sometimes you just have to put on that mask. The world isn’t whom you have to get to accept you, it’s Christ. When you know in your heart that even if you aren’t healing as fast or as well as your friends or family would like, are you doing everything you can to live your life according to scripture? As I never claim to be an expert, I don’t recall ever seeing anything that gives a timeline to grief, or sorrow. We may not always have the friends and family readily available as often as we’d like to spend time with, to go out with and socialize with, but what matters is when times are toughest know they are there for you.

I have been blessed with the best Church family anyone could ever ask or hope for. Through everything I’ve endured they have been there for me. They have held me when I’ve cried, picked me up when I was injured, helped me financially when I couldn’t work, and have provided the most moral, and Godly support any man could ever dream of having.

I have some of the best friends a man could hope for. They’ve rallied to my bedside when I was hurt, and have also helped me financially when times got tough. They are spread thin throughout the entire country, and although this means I don’t have a budding, effective social life to get me out of the house as much as I should, I know they are always there.

God will answer my prayers when the time is right. The time isn’t when I think it should be, but when it needs to be. Having faith that the faithful will be rewarded and blessed in this life according to our demeanor of deserving it. We cannot be given a gift we are not ready for. We cannot be given blessings we would most certainly abuse. We may not always know why we have unanswered prayers, but we must remain faithful that it’s just not according to the plan.

As empty as I have felt the last few weeks, I know that great things are coming even if I can not see them just yet. All my years in theater I understand what the crowd sees on stage is only a fraction of what’s going on during the play. The hard work, the majority of the work is being done off stage, what can’t be seen. We don’t know what God is doing behind the scenes, preparing for our futures, that’s the hard part about patience.

In short I leave you this final quote of my own making. “The beauty about being an empty shell is that it means it’s completely open for it to be refilled with something new.”

In God We Trust

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In God We Trust

 Do we trust in the Lord? Do we have faith that God is not only in control of the big picture, but the little stuff as well? Does God fit inside the little box we’ve created for Him? Joshua 1:9 “9 Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” It’s easy to say not to be afraid, but are we really free from that servitude? Are we slaves to fear, are we slaves to worry, I believe we are. Matthew 6:24 “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” Mammon is wealth, or money. The interesting thing about money is the saying on our own money that often goes unnoticed or forgotten.

Do we really give our all to Christ? Are we faithful in our giving, are we faithful in our love, are we faithful in our prayers, our empathy? Psalm 37:4-6 “4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. 5 Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring [it] to pass. 6 And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.”

 During the three years Jesus taught, it’s said a minimum of 4 times ‘Ye of little faith’. There is no doubt that we do not have the strength we should. We allow the world to beat us down, to torture us and we give reaction to it. Sure we feel pain, we feel sorrow, but if we have enough faith to trust what we can’t see, trust what we don’t understand, we may actually find peace in our day.

What is peace? Peace is a state of mind, not just peace or war. Finding peace is obtainable in this world, but we must be in a state of constant vigilance. Peace doesn’t mean that war won’t come it just means that when it does it won’t destroy who you are. Be at peace with yourself, and know that God’s will can turn any heart, heal any ailment, forgive any sin, and save any life. 2 Thessalonians 3:16 “Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means. The Lord [be] with you all.” The Lord gives us the ultimate peace, the peace of forever, eternal salvation.

The final word I leave on this is John 16:33 “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” Peace is not of this world, it’s of eternity and that is why no matter the trial we face in this world, we can handle with grace and dignity.

I myself have not always handled every situation that way. I’ve been known to over react from time to time. I’ve had times where the world felt like it was falling down upon my head, where I would never be able to breath again, but God as my witness, even when death seemed to be knocking at my door, the post card was sent to death apologizing for the inconvenience, but my reservation had to be postponed once more. The day may come when my body sleeps and wakes no more, but God willing, not any time soon. Sorry death, not today.

When People Give

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When People Give

 What does it mean to give? Are some people more generous then others? We all know the answer to the last question, yes some are more gracious in giving then others. The internet, because everything on there is accurate says giving is “freely transfer the possession of (something) to (someone); hand over to.” There are many different ways we can give, each is just as important as the next. The act of giving is something that’s very important in our Christian walk. Not everyone can give financially, but those who can in my opinion are very gracious. Money is very hard to come by these days, and to give it away, to give it up freely in a manner that is selfless, and completely generous is a hard concept for me to understand. Let me explain that part. A little back-story about me might go a long way. When I was 19 and in basic training, a very close friend to me was in desperate need of help financially. I had been in basic for a little while and saved up a good amount of money. I was headed for Korea and didn’t feel I was going to need a lot of money over there. My friend didn’t have a car, was not able to get to and from work, was falling behind on some student loans, and looked to be sinking into depression. I wrote her a sizable check the day I found out about her hardships. The check was somewhere in the ballpark of $5000, enough to buy a car, and pay some bills. 15 years later I get a message from her stating how grateful she was for the car, that it had saved her life, and been a great used vehicle. 5 grand lasted 15 years, how wonderful did it make me feel that I was able to change her life so drastically and never wanted or expected any kind of return. A couple months later after I loaned her the money, another friend was telling me about some student loan issues. Hers wasn’t so bad, if memory serves it was in the ballpark of $2000, and again, didn’t think much of it, wrote the check and sent it off. At the same time all this was going on, a family member was in the hospital. Her kids were in need of some support, and I didn’t have much left to give but I gave what I could, $500. In a manner of two months I gave away $7500.

Lets fast forward to today. Recently I have found myself in some financial distress. If I were a country my flag would be upside down. The real blessing is the amount of people who’ve found their way to help me financially. One person even sent a large enough amount to help with a major bill. I can’t ever thank those who’ve helped me out enough. The struggles I’ve faced recently have left me under the thumb of stress and anxiety. I know better then most the scripture to go to for relief, but some days it’s hard. Deuteronomy 16:17 “Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the LORD your God which He has given you.” Proverbs 21:26 “The righteous gives and does not hold back.” Proverbs 22:9 “He who is generous will be blessed, for he gives some of his food to the poor.” There are far more verses about giving but I think you get the point.

It’s almost a proven fact that when you give freely and faithfully, the Lord will bless that and multiply what you’ve given and you shall get in return. Remember that the Lord gives all gifts. The Lord can take all gifts away if we do not respect what we’ve been given. Just because it’s new and shiny doesn’t mean it’s right for us. Finally the words of Matthew 6:3-4 “But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.” Meaning it’s not truly giving from the heart if you are seeking adulation from it. If you are truly intent on giving because you feel compelled to do so then God will bless you. Often we hear about celebrities giving a ton of money to charity. Be cautious with those tales, not everything may be as it appears. Do they give to get the huge tax breaks? Giving with the anticipation of getting in return is not the deal. Have faith in God. He will provide. Every time I’ve needed help, or been on the brink of bad things, some how, some way, God has provided right when it’s been needed. Some day I myself pray to be in a situation where I can help others again. In my heart I miss it. God is good always.