Tag: Memories

Memorial Day 2019

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Memorial Day 2019

I fought the fight, I ran the race, but today is not my day to die. I saw the wave and felt the heat. I’ve felt the blast, explosions to my core. I survived by many did not. Today, this day I take a moment to remember the fallen. Men and women who’ve given their lives for the protection of freedoms we share and love with one another. 1 Corinthians 15:22“For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive.” The ones who’ve fallen and given the all, it is in our Christ who gave all so a sacrifice would not be in vein. It is in Christ that we truly have hope. Death is not the end, no, it’s just the change of venue. In Christ we have a choice to give up this worldly self, and being blessed by the Holy Spirit, that we shall not die, but our chains are broken and life is ours for the taking. 

Do we honor the sacrifice of our veterans? Do we honor our saviors sacrifice for our sins? Freedom is not and always has been pain in blood. Do we die in this life alone, or do we live to die for Jesus?  Today is the day of the year we set aside to honor those who’ve given the sacrifice during the course of their duties to bring us protection and freedoms. While over the last 10 plus years I have looked at memorial day for the loss of life protecting this countries freedoms and protecting others in need of protection, I look at memorial day through a different set of eyes today. I consider the wounds of war, and those who never manage to heal from them. I consider the 22 veterans a day that commit suicide around this country and the true meaning of sacrifice. Jesus Christ is the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, and it is in him we are redeemed, renewed, and have hope. But for those veterans who didn’t die in the war, those who saw war, and experienced traumas, that’s when a part of them died. For those who experienced such horrors and never regained their life, that fall victim to PTSD, PTSD in itself is sometimes death. We must remember to honor those who’ve not only given their lives, but those who’ve taken their lives. 

The fallen shall be honored for their sacrifice. A country built on the belief of scripture, and the Holy Word of God, soldiers sacrifice for this country, their friends, their families, in love, as Christ sacrificed for all of us. 

We should take a moment to remember the fallen, remember the lives lost, but also the families, friends, and loved ones affected by that loss. Today is a day to honor those losses, to honor Christ and his sacrifice and trust that loss will never be in vein. Look to the flag and remember that Red is the color of the blood that’s been shed. Blue the color to show we are true of vigilance. White the color of virtue to show that we are right. While the USA is not a perfect place, we fight for truth, and justice. We are able to make a difference and we should. We stand above and when we stand on scripture we hopefully stand as a light to the world. 

Explosive Memories

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Explosive Memories

I try not to think about it most of the time. I remember the sounds, the sights, even the smell of sulfur. I can remember each incident and as much as I try not to think about it, there are days. The struggle for veterans returning home from war can vary differently from one to the next. For me I have spent years facing my demons. Behind every uniform is a story. My story hasn’t ended, but my time in uniform has. The wounds left behind leave scars and those don’t ever go away. I can remember one explosion after another, and from the way it feels as the blast goes through you. I remember the fear I would face while on patrol, trying to stay focused, but in those memories, I sadly brought them home with me. My time in war fundamentally changed me, and because of that, because of how I was changed, I find some days I struggle to enjoy some of the same things other people like.

The other day I was driving to work and found myself in a traffic jam. Most people would perhaps be a little frustrated, but me, there’s a level of fear, and that fear turns to anger. I am terrified of sitting in traffic because I am not in control at all. I am afraid of being caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am afraid of the trash on the side of the road. I’m afraid of the crowds I encounter while I’m out in public. I’m afraid of the movie theater. I’m afraid of the mall. I’m afraid of being caught ill prepared. In my life I have spent a lot of time focusing on the what ifs, planning for the emergencies to be as prepared as possible. I have to hope that in the darkness of this world, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Revelation 21:4“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

 John 16:33“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” In my day, I am haunted by the memories of my past. I have struggled to let go, and remember that Christ overcame the world. His blood set me free, and though my trials my be today, my Heaven is tomorrow. Living with PTSD isn’t always easy, but we keep pushing forward. Dealing with the day-to-day strife can lead your heart to feel heavy. We must not focus on the cant’s, or why something is too hard, we need to focus on what we can do. John 14:1“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” Though my past and my grief haunt me, I must thank the Lord for the love and mercy that’s placed upon me every day. Jesus has offered me everything, and I can’t let the pain of yesterday turn my focus. The Devil tries to distract me, lie to me, prey on my weaknesses, and I will admit, some days he gets his claws in and it’s all I can do to push him away. Don’t forget the purposes of our true journey. Keep pushing forward and focus on today, not yesterday.

I think back to the day I was something in my own eyes, and when the tornado struck my life and ruin was left in it’s wake, I think back to how foolish I was to think my happiness could last. I placed my self worth on those around me. I placed my happiness in the hands of others, to include family, friends, and my wife. I trusted all the wrong people, and putting my faith in the world, thinking if I walked the walk, talk the talk, prayed the prayers, that I might be spared the hardships of another divorce or worse. The thing is when you are strong in your faith, the Devil attacks, and he attacks, and he’s relentless to see how long he can push you till you break. How much  can you take before you curse God, turn your back, and walk deeper down the dark path.

No matter the hardships you’ve endured, the horrors you’ve seen, you need to remember who the true enemy is at the end of the day. Put not your faith in man for we are fickle and swayed easily, but put your faith in the Lord for God is never changing, and always we are found in God’s love and grace. The road is long, but the blessings of tomorrow outweigh the pain of today.

Remembering a Christmas from long Ago

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Remembering a Christmas from long Ago

December 25th 2004 I remember sitting in the tent, if memory serves the KBR tent. We were allowed to have two beers or a single mixed drink. I remember having a mixed drink Jack and Coke, but while I sat there drinking this drink I know I didn’t really like, it was Rome so when in Rome. All missions from late Christmas Eve through Christmas Day except for vital posts had been canceled. A small Christmas Break was our gift this year. I had a small stocking hanging in my room from home, and some decorations had been put up around the house. While sitting around drinking the drink I remember thinking to myself how nice it was to have a day down time.

 

All day I was waiting for an attack that never came. I was expecting to be called out on QRF even though we were off mission. I waited all day for the rockets or mortars to come flying in. I was tense and not at all feeling like the holiday. I realized in the afternoon I was so focused on the war that I never relaxed and enjoyed the holiday.

 

I watched those around me like I wasn’t in the room, the laughs, the joy, and for some reason I couldn’t partake in the holiday. Fast forward to today and while I have done a lot for the holiday I find myself emotionally removed. I’ve found it hard to be excited or happy, or anything other then sad for that matter. I’m not exactly Scrooge, but I’m not Jolly Old Saint Nick either. I think of Christmases of years past and something is missing this year. I listen to the music, I watch the movies, I have done the shopping, and even enjoy the lights and decorations in and around the house, but I can’t seem to feel excited this year.

 

I know I should be happy about the celebration of this birthday but it’s hard. Try not to get caught up in what’s missing, but focus on what isn’t. Focus on our dear saviors birth, and try to let go of the sorrows this holiday season. I know it’s easier said then done. I for one know how hard it can be. Don’t loose hope though, for as long as you breathe there is still hope. Always.