Losing – The Arrow Preacher

If The War is Won, Why Do I Feel Like I’m Losing?

I am no stranger to defeat. I am no stranger to heart break. I am no stranger to physical pain. I am no stranger to major health problems. I am no stranger to hard feelings to express and share. I am no stranger to feeling beat down. I am no stranger to being lied too. I am no stranger to feeling guilty for just sharing my feelings. I am no stranger to the darkness, or loneliness. I am no stranger to the feelings of doubt. I am no stranger to the war, or the battles.

But like the darkness rising again from the fires of mount doom, darkness threatens all of middle earth again. Over the last year the relationships in my life have gotten complicated, strained, and has left me broken hearted. I feel alone in the battle. When I stress how I feel the response is empty. When I express my concerns, or hard truths, I find myself in the midst of conversation by myself. It seems I walk this path alone. The moment the battle is tough, I look around to see those around me are gone.

How does the messiah feel with his disciples fleeing for their own safety rather than follow Him to the cross? We know that Jesus knew everything. We know that He knows the hearts of those around Him. But when everyone who claimed they loved Him were gone, how does the Messiah feel? Alone, just His mother, Mary, and John. Does He feel betrayed? He went to the cross for the ungrateful. He went to the cross for the liars, and the broken promises. He went to cross for the murderers, and the cheaters. He went to the cross for the selfish. He went to the cross for me. He went to the cross for you.

In this life I have often found myself facing the darkness without someone next to me to help me. I have often found myself alone, crying out to the Lord to not leave me. I have often said I’m not afraid of anything, but today I find myself realizing that’s not entirely accurate. I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of the sin within. I’m afraid of the monster that wants out, that’s clawing at me to break free. I’m afraid of that monster busting through and showing the world the sinner within. The one thing I truly fight is the anger within. When outside forces push me, beat me, whip me, and the darkness rips and tears at my armor to get inside. When loved ones betray me, loved ones lie to me, loved ones abandon me, loved ones know the buttons to push, and push them, the monster breaks free. I’m afraid of myself because I know what I’m capable of. I’m afraid of myself because I know that while I usually have control over it, sometimes, it comes out to play, and when it does those around me see what I try so hard to conceal. God knows my monster, and has helped me keep the emotions in control, but sometimes my flesh is weak. They say that meekness is not weakness, but rather the strength to have power but to have it under control. After years of training and war, I was a changed man. I learned how to take that anger and direct it at my discipline and fierceness on the battlefield. In my civilian life, I put the monster away. But for a long time, it came out every argument, every disagreement, and I would yell and scream. Even if I was right, in the argument, I would get to the point where I’d yell and scream. Sometimes when I was younger, I’d punch and throw things in my anger. Today, that person is few and far between. Today it takes a lot to bring that monster out again. Today, the Lord has given me a spirit of calm, of control. But I am still a sinful fallen creature. While I am better today than I was yesterday, sometimes the monster within breaks through and wreaks havoc in my life.

I feel like since heart surgery, the emotional part of me has not been comforted. I feel like, while my physical needs are being managed, my heart is being left alone. I cannot share my feelings, or my hardships without it being my fault. I cannot share, without major repercussions. It’s a lonely road, and how I feel doesn’t matter.

Dax speaks the truth in his Song “To be a Man”

Yeah, I know this life can really beat you down, uh

You wanna scream but you won’t make a sound, uh

Got so much weight that you’ve been holdin’

But won’t show any emotion, as a man, that goes unspoken

That we can’t cry when life gets hard

Unconditional love for women, children and dogs

We know that we just have to play our parts

And don’t nobody give a damn about our broken hearts, yeah

As a man, we gotta pave our way

Our only function is to work and slave

There’s no respect for you if you ain’t paid

You’re disregarded as a human and you can’t complain

And if you ever make it up and actually reach that place

And find a woman that you love and give her your last name

You’ll feel the things that you provide is only why she stays

And when you try to explain, you’ll say

I can’t hide myself

I don’t expect you to understand

I just hope I can explain

What it’s like to be a man (what it’s like to be a man)

It’s a lonely road (it’s a lonely road)

And they don’t care ’bout what you know (care ’bout what you know)

It’s not ’bout how you feel

But what you provide inside that home

Don’t give up, keep fightin’

As a man, our son is our horizon

And our fathers’ actions play a role and we end up like him

So they can’t let us see them hurt

‘Cause we’ll embody what we do and start a generational curse

No wonder most men are so depressed

All the things that they can’t express

They go to war, get thrown on the shelf

Then go back to war with they mental health

Then grab that bottle and ask for help

Try to pull themselves out of hell

Then fall back down and then realize

That they gon’ have to do it themselves

It’s the circle of life, as a man, you provide

They don’t know what you’re worth ’til the day that you die

And that’s when they start cryin’

Then move on to a man to confide in

That’s why we feel

They don’t care what you feel. To be a man it seems today you have to hide it. Today you can’t share the hardships inside without them turning on you, and not showing you support or love, or empathy, or even some sympathy.

Life is hard and it beats you down. Life isn’t fair, and in our struggles as a man, sometimes our walk is just You and Christ. Sometimes this world turns it’s back on good men, and all we can do in our brokenness, and loneliness is to turn to our Abba Father. Since no one, it seems cares about our broken hearts, we can only turn to our God. When I need to explain how I feel, and it falls upon deaf ears in this life, I turn to my Abba Father, and He understands my pain. My God tells me to don’t give up, and to keep fighting. My Abba Father tells me to put on that amor and stand tall. My Abba Father, tells me to look behind and I see my Savior Jesus in the midst of the battle with me. I look around and see the legion of Angels the Lord has sent to comfort me. I look around and see the demons fleeing before a mighty and Holy Jesus. How I feel may be broken, and sometimes I feel alone, but Jesus tells me not to listen to the lies of the Devil. The voice of truth tells me to get up. The voice of truth tells me I have been given a spirit of courage, not of fear. The voice of truth tells me to tighten that armor and continue to resist Satan and his lies. The voice of truth tells me I am a child of God. The voice of truth tells me not to be afraid. The voice of truth says to keep sharing the Gospel of Jesus. The voice of truth tells me to keep living for Him, the Holy one, the one worthy to open the seals. The voice of truth says a legion of angels is ready to fight for me. The voice of truth says I am not alone. I’m not alone in this fight and I never will be. People may fail me, family may forsake me. But my Lord will never leave me nor forsake me, for it is written Matthew 28:19-20 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

Jesus told us He will be with us. The Holy Spirit sent to guide us, comfort us, protect us, chastens us, corrects us, heals us. It may be dark, but Jesus is the healer of brokenness. For it is in my brokenness that God’s strength will shine through me. I am a cup hoping the Lord will fill us up. Jesus is who He said He was, and it is our faith that heals us in Christ. My hurting heart, my broken heart, cries out for my Lord and Savior, to come comfort me. To show me the way, and to hold me in His hands. My body is broken, and battered, I am here on the ground, praying for your guidance, your love, your mercy, your peace, your forgiveness, and your holiness. Jesus please walk with me, walk beside me and lift me when I fall. As I sink beneath these ways, please sanctify me, and please lift me up and put me on dry land. For your glory, for your will, will be done. God, you will never leave me nor forsake me, and I am grateful. Jesus, I’ll follow you till the end, till my last breath, I’ll walk this path you have me on. You’re close to the broken hearted, and you’ll make me new. I’ll follow you till the end. Your glory, and will.

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Sometimes You Have To Lose

We shake our fists to Heaven when something we perceive as bad happens. We don’t always see the blessings till well after the tragedy. This happens more often then we think in life. When I spend time thinking about the worst things to happen to me in my life, I often wonder if there was any other way. (Spoilers Avengers Infinity War)

Dr. Strange tells Tony Stark “There was no other way.” This happens when Strange calls to Thano’s and spares Tony’s life. Sometimes victory is in the loss. It’s hard to face those hardships with hopeful hearts but in all things have faith in God’s plan for love not despair. This can be seen and summed up in one scripture verse Romans 8:28 (NKJV) “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Loosing isn’t everything, for it’s in loss we are truly able to rise and see what we’re made of.

I’m reminded of a line from Star Wars Last Jedi. Yoda tells Luke that failure is the greatest teacher. This couldn’t be truer. In my own life I have lost, and though it’s not always right away, usually some lesson can be taken away from it. Sometimes the lesson to learn is to change directions in your life. Several months ago after a long period of time out of work I was able to finally get back into the security field. I found a job that although had it’s issues, was well suited for me and my current physical restrictions. I wasn’t at the job more then 3 weeks before out of the blue I was called by Human Recourses telling me that I would be out of work by the end of the day. There was no other position that suited my physical requirements, so without any positions I would not remain with the company. 7 years with the company, employee of the year, exemplary record, and it would all come to an end in the blink of an eye. I can remember sitting in my car at the end of my shift. The only thought that kept rushing to mind was prayer, so I sat there and I prayed to God. “God, I understand what you’re telling me. I see that this chapter in my life is over. Please show me my new path.”

We often think of loss or failure as a bad thing. We fail to understand that, those times are often when we learn the most about who we are. We face the dragons and we are either victorious, or we are beaten down. No matter where we are in our lives, these times will be the most defining events of our life. Obviously we won’t always handle every failure with ease and grace, but even in those moments it’s an amazing opportunity to do the one things that’s more important then any other, TURN TO JESUS CHRIST! When we are struggling, and we are low, Jesus is the first place we need to turn. We 1 Thessalonians 5:14-18 14 “Now we [b]exhort you, brethren, warn those who are [c]unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. 15 See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all. 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” Turning to Christ and rejoices in everything. Every success, and every loss we have are in a place where we can turn to God to help us make our way through. If we are not following Christ it’s possible that our hardships are presented to us so we turn to Christ when perhaps we hadn’t in the past.

Thinking back about that moment when Dr. Strange tells Stark, “there was no other way.” Reminds me that sometimes the only way to alter our course is for something bad to happen. We can be stubborn, and I ask how often we refuse to change. If we are to look at life as a long highway, sometimes to change our path, God needs to place some construction signs and force a detour to change our path. We want to focus on the why me, but we don’t really want to face the why. They are very different questions, and very different reasons. When we ask ‘why me’ we are looking at self, we are looking at the me aspect instead of asking the purpose of what we should be learning in those situations. If we are not listening to the subtle clues God places in our path, God will eventually throw a major construction site on the path to force change. This is not likely to be a pleasant event because truthfully we don’t change much when things are going great. When it comes to following the path, it’s important to focus on God the whole way. We know that there is a purpose, or at least something good we take from every experience. Instead of saying we have a problem, instead say we have an opportunity.

Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

3 He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

Trust in God, and trust in the path you find yourself. In the darkness it might be you that’s the light for someone else to see. It might be you in need of help, and it’s someone else’s opportunity to feel useful by helping you. Life is about perspective and changing your perspective will often change the way you feel about a situation.