In your Heart, Christ or Scrooge?

In your Heart, Christ or Scrooge?

Recently I was spoken to by someone who undoubtedly has a tremendous amount of pain in their heart. I understand completely why, but the truth is, how that pain is spreading is truly heart breaking. Recently I was told by that person a whole lot of negative things about me personally. Those things got me thinking about who I am and how I’m handling situations. Several months ago I made a choice to defend God when someone was angry with him. This wasn’t a good idea, and as I’ve said before, actions and words have consequences. While what I said was scripturally accurate and true, it was not helpful. In fact, as I found out, it may have been the worst thing I could have said in the moment. That person has not forgiven for what I said, and has doubled down, and has blamed me for being selfish, self-righteous, and essentially not empathetic, with a hint of opinionated. This left me dumbfounded and unsure of how someone could say these things to me whom I have given gifts too, over the last few months, and I have consistently written them to see how they are doing, if they need anything, showing nothing but kindness. Sadly, people who are in pain often lash out. 

If you live life focused on just yourself, your heart I daresay is not with the Lord. If you make decisions without care of others, their feelings, or even their well-being, I would say you are missing out on love and your sin is making yourself on high, because that’s not God’s way. We are called to live in love and if we become selfish, we aren’t loving others, in fact you are loving self. 

Are you allowing Jesus to shine through you? Do you feel badly when you hurt someone? Thankfully there is hope for our lives and there is a time for change and the time is now. In the season of the birth of our savior Jesus Christ, we can be like the Grinch or Ebenezer Scrooge. Lets’ take a look at these two characters for a moment. 

Scrooge was a man who loathed people. He lived for himself, his success, and cared nothing for the poor, the sick, or even the family close to him. Do we as Scrooge had, allow ourselves to be wrapped in our own chains we make in our lives? Scrooge was gifted a chance to change his selfish ways. Scrooge is shown his past, present, and future in an attempt to warn him of his fate. Scrooge awakes with a new found zest for life. The three spirits were able to accomplish their goals and from that day forward Scrooge was a different man. He became a kind man, full of generosity and love in his heart. So what was it that saved him? Love, and grace. It’s the love and grace we get from Jesus that saved Scrooge because he saw others living life in love and grace towards others. 

The Grinch, the bane of Whoville. The Grinch hated all things Christmas. He hated the lights, the songs, the smiles, everything that the villagers of Whoville loved. Everyone in Whoville was afraid of the Grinch, everyone but Cindyloo Who. She went and showed kindness, and grace to the Grinch. After he attempted to steal Christmas and the villagers celebrated and sang anyway, without the lights, and tinsel, and presents, Christmas came. Grinch realized that the spirit of Christmas wasn’t the stuff, but the heart. Cindyloo touched his heart and in love, and in grace, the Grinch changed his ways. As the story goes, his heart grew three sizes that day. 

We all make mistakes, and we all say and do stupid things sometimes. Are we willing to forgive when someone makes attempts to make it right? Or, are we living in anger, and bitterness? I look to my life and realize that I have not always said or done the right things, but it’s Jesus that saves me, through love and mercy. As far as I know, I have tried to forgive those who’ve wronged me, and I have tried to make right my mistakes I’ve made towards others. 

Colossians 3:16-17 (NKJV) “16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. 17 And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.” We must learn to live our lives in joy, and in anything we do or say, do so in a way pleasing to the Lord. Mistakes will happen, and words will slip. Someone will feel wronged by your words or actions. 

Romans 12:18 (NKJV) “18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” We have a choice how we act, and how we respond. Christ tells us we will be persecuted in his name, but those who attack us, or teat us unkindly, we are still called to love EVERYONE, and live in peace. 

I am sorry for what I’ve said, and I’ve done everything I possibly could to make it right. If Jesus dwells in your heart, wrong doings should tug at your conscience and you should be driven to make things right. This Christmas season remember why we celebrate. Remember that it’s love, and grace, and good will towards men/women. We were given a gift that silent night, and we should live our every day with Christ in our hearts. Willing to forgive everyone for the trespasses, and share love, grace, and mercy with everyone we encounter. 

Living Your Identity

Living Your Identity

Bruce Wayne lives his life as an eccentric billionaire playboy. He has his day job, his public persona but when the sun goes down and he dons the cowl, the true Bruce Wayne comes out. The true face is the one that criminals fear, and the one that stalks the streets of Gotham City. You can look at nearly all the superheroes and understand why they hide their super identity from the world. In The Dark Knight Rises Bruce Wayne tells Robin why he needed to wear a mask and it was to protect those people he cared about. I feel as if we as Christians have a secret identity, and that identity is Christian. I feel like we go to work and we never discuss our faith with anyone. We go to the grocery store and our faith stays at home. Even worse I feel like we go to bars, and strip clubs, and all manner of sinful things (no I’m not saying drinking at the bar is sinful), what I am saying is we check Christian at the door. How often do we hide who we are because we’re afraid of what someone might think? How often do we not stand up for what’s right as a Christian because we’re afraid of being ridiculed, or persecuted for it?

Not long ago I was in the grocery store, and I ran into someone I go to church with. We talked for a while and went our separate ways, but while I was grabbing what I went to the store for, I got a feeling in the pit of my stomach I couldn’t quite shake. I’m something of a newish good ol’ country boy. I like guns, and bows, and I listen to rock and roll, and I drink wine, and beer. I don’t drink to get drunk, but I feel and felt that if that person saw me buying beer that I would be judged. There are two things I’d like to say, one; we as Christians are some of the most judgmental people on the planet. Two, we as Christians are some of the most gossiping people on the planet. I fully understand and respect Christians that choose not to drink, however, those who condemn people for drinking have no real basis to do so. Drinking a beer or two doesn’t make me a bad Christian. Drinking a glass of wine doesn’t make me a bad Christian. Why are Christians so afraid to stand out, and the ones that do, why are they so afraid to be able to live who they are? This is a big problem many Christians face today, but it comes back to judgment.

I have felt in my life that I needed to hide my faith from others. The desire to fit in, the desire to be liked overwhelmed what I should have done and I hid who I was. Sadly I paid for that mistake as I ended up marrying someone who did not share my values, did not share my faith, and when the time came, I was left with nothing. I knew I shouldn’t have put my faith in the closet like that, but I was afraid that I wouldn’t ever find someone who cared for me like my ex-wife did, and when things got a little tough, she walked away without fighting to save the marriage. We as Christians must realize that our relationship with God is the most important thing in our lives. We must always put God first, and trust that our faithfulness will be rewarded. We should never deny Christ as Peter had. Matthew 26:70-74“70 But he denied it before them all, saying, “I do not know what you are saying.” 71 And when he had gone out to the gateway, another girl saw him and said to those who were there, “This fellow also was with Jesus of Nazareth.” 72 But again he denied with an oath, “I do not know the Man!” 73 And a little later those who stood by came up and said to Peter, “Surely you also are one of them, for your speech betrays you.” 74 Then he began to [a]curse and [b]swear, saying, “I do not know the Man!” Immediately a rooster crowed.”

Every time we turn our backs on Christ, and we keep our faith locked away because of any reason, it never matters why, we are no better then Peter. We must not be ashamed of our faith, and we must never let fear be the reason we say nothing. We are promised persecution for our faith, and if we are truly going to accept Jesus as our savior, we must accept the struggles that come with it. Now, that being said, as for the other issues, we need to remember something, we are not holy, we are not righteous in any way. We are in no position to judge anyone else. The ONLY thing we are to do is politely call someone on their sins, and offer loving aid to help them. We are not called to pass judgment on someone. We are not called to dictate what is or is not acceptable from the world standards. The only place we just be going to determine what is and what isn’t okay is scripture. Let me point something out to those Christians who think drinking is a sin. John 2:1-11“2 On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. 2 Now both Jesus and His disciples were invited to the wedding. 3 And when they ran out of wine, the mother of Jesus said to Him, “They have no wine.” 4 Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does your concern have to do with Me? My hour has not yet come.” 5 His mother said to the servants, “Whatever He says to you, do it.” 6 Now there were set there six waterpots of stone, according to the manner of purification of the Jews, containing twenty or thirty gallons apiece. 7 Jesus said to them, “Fill the waterpots with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. 8 And He said to them, “Draw some out now, and take it to the master of the feast.” And they took it. 9 When the master of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and did not know where it came from (but the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom. 10 And he said to him, “Every man at the beginning sets out the good wine, and when the guests have well drunk, then the inferior. You have kept the good wine until now!” 11 This beginning of signs Jesus did in Cana of Galilee, and [a]manifested His glory; and His disciples believed in Him.”

So here is the Son of God at a wedding. Read verse 10 again, the master of feast called saying at the beginning of the party the good stuff is put out, but by the time everyone is drunk and happy, the cheap stuff is put out because no one cares anymore. Jesus didn’t turn the water into bad wine even, he made it into the best wide they’d had. Now, I’m not saying it’s okay to get drunk, but what I am saying is, there’s nothing wrong with having drinks in moderation. Scripture says not to be a drunkard, and what that means is we do some stupid stuff when we drink. We must stay sober minded not to do sinful things under the guise of alcohol. There is no excuse for doing stupid things while drunk. The choice to drink is yours and drunk is never an excuse. Now on the flip side, we must stop thinking we have the right to judge others. We don’t know what anyone is going through, and we have no place to pass any kind of judgment for any reason. Our place is to love, and be there for others. Our place is to share the Love and Gospel of Jesus Christ, and show the world what being a Christian is all about. No one wants to be around gossip, or judgmental self-righteous people. I have heard so often from people who have sworn off church because they always felt like they were being judged by people in the church. How much damage has been done by people of the church because of actions such as these? The numbers frighten me because I think of all the souls that are potentially lost because we as Christians have not conducted ourselves in the best light.

Someone once said to me that you had to be able to connect with your congregation and it was important that you are approachable. I come from the military and one thing veterans do is drink. Most veterans drink far to much, but it’s common place to have a beer with friends, and laugh and joke, and I find most veterans are more likely to open up at a gathering after having a beer or two. As a (hopefully) future reverend, I hope to be able to reach the veteran community. I hope to be approachable and if that means having a beer or two with veterans, to me it’s no different then having wine at a wedding. The reason I was so concerned at the store is because I know how some people are and some topics are touchy subjects for some people. I neither want to be the subject of gossip, nor the subject of someone’s judgment. Ultimately however, my actions are between God and me. I trust that if I stepped out of place I would made aware of it, and I would have to face the consequences for my actions. We should never have to hide because of fear. Growing up I hid I was a nerd in school because I was terrified I’d never be accepted. Now I have a blog post that I am literally comparing the Gospels to today’s age of the Geek. What I was once afraid of I now share proudly. I am a Christian, I am a nerd, I drink beer, and I talk to sinners. I talk to non-believers, and I converse with people of different faiths. I am decorated Army Veteran, and on occasion I might use a curse word. It should come as no surprise to anyone that I too am a sinner. I too fall short of the glory of God, and I to struggle with the world and my faith.

We are all attacked by the Devil, attacked by the world, attacked by the flesh, but we always have to fight as hard as we can. We draw our strength from our Lord and Savior, and we are covered in protection when we ask for it. Psalm 91:4“He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.” Let’s all cool it on the gossip, and let us all stop judging one another, and just love one another. Lift up one another in talk, not tear down. Live your identity and remember it’s Jesus’s judgment we must be concerned with, not that of man. Never be afraid to be who you are. I’ve been condemned for being a Christian and the more I study, the more I preach and teach, the less tolerant those around be become. It was fine me being a Christian as long as I didn’t talk about it. It was find being a Christian as long as it didn’t come up in conversation, but now, more and more people are proving to be less open to hearing me out, and even as far as no longer supporting me and my path. I have found it difficult as my mornings now start with yet another person pulling their support. One by one acquaintances drop away and I find that as the Devil pushes me, I must remain vigilant and affirm who I am. I am a Christian, and I am a man seeking redemption for years of mistakes and sins. I am a man driven to help others going through hell on Earth that I’ve experienced. I’m a Christian who wants to share the love and grace of Jesus Christ, not because of something I think might be true, but what I know to be true by the evidence within my own life. I’m a Christian who loves the Lord and will stand firm as I am taunted, and exiled from parts of my old world. I have faith in God the Father, and I know he renews that Faith, and through the hard times, or the peaceful times, I will not bend a knee to the world just because it wants me to. I will not acquiesce to be silent in my faith. I am a Christian, and I will live my identity. I don’t need to hide who I am, and I won’t.

The Wound that Doesn’t Heal

The Wound that Doesn’t Heal

 

A long time ago the words couldn’t describe the storm inside. The memory etched into my mind, and in an instant the world as I knew it was tossed aside, and I left something of myself out on that battlefield. The piece I lost was taken from me, and even though I’ve tried, I know I won’t ever get it back. The face of evil was on that road, that dirt road where blood was spilt, and eyes were closed for the last time. The wound that never really heals, stays fresh, and I feel like some days I am lost in the movie that’s stuck on repeat.

I sit and I cry, the memory of that day rings in my mind. I’m afraid to close my eyes because I see it plain as day. The sulfur lingers in the air, and the dust settles revealing the nightmare we all dreamt about but never admitted. The anger built up inside me, and yet on the outside I was always calm and numb. The storm inside waged and with no words, no action, the struggle lingered on, rearing it’s head every year. The doubts I had, I questioned myself, I even hated myself for not doing more. It feels like I might explode with my anger, and yet I take the pain and I tuck it away.

The darkness that covered over me stayed for so long. In time a light arose and pushed the darkness away. I felt like I couldn’t deal with the pain. Some days I feel the cold darkness rising again. I think about going, and visiting, leaving flowers, but I’m afraid to go. I can’t bring myself to look down at the marble that now marks where you lay. I feel the anger, and I can’t face the pain inside. The world isn’t fair, and I hate it some days. I run away and I hide because I can’t face your name. The names etched into my mind, I can’t scrub them away. The bracelet I wear marks the day, and the ink on my arm shows the world, but only just a glimpse.

I fall to my knees and I pray. My failure that day, a premonition that rang true and the future was set. I search for meaning, I search for truth that seems so unfair, and it feels like I’m so far away from the me I once knew. How many son’s and daughters are gone, and lost, and how many tears have fallen down faces all around the world? We can’t turn back the clock, the blood spilt is gone forever. I wander the darkness unable to see, the light is far from me. The darkness inside takes hold, and in an instant I’m not me. How did the world turn out this way? Where was I on that day?

The darkest hour and the fall from so high feels like an eternity as it’s replayed in my mind. A blood spilt hallway, the torture in the hallways, the casket filled with a young man a best friend. Four draped flags, and then the loss of a love. The nightmare long past, a healing heart, then stabbed again. A heart ripped out and it feels like I was far from grace. The wounds from years past filled my mind, and flooded my chest with doubt, fear, and so much pain I couldn’t stand.

My God my God, I fall from grace and I pray you save me. I was lost and I hurt so much, it feels like you’re so far away. The world won, and I lost my way. I was weak and I cried out in pain, I paid blood for blood. I paid for my sins, and I don’t know what else to say. I reached for the black metal instead of your name. The cold steel in my hand won the day, and the pain inside realized in the most unimaginable way. I fell from grace, and I couldn’t stay. I felt so cold and lost that day. My God my God, I need you now, I need you today. My God my God, I don’t know what more to say, the memory inside just won’t go away. I know you’re good, and I know you’re here, but in the raging storm I can’t seem to face the day. How do I move on, and how do I stand here on faith knowing where I’ve been? How can I be trusted when I feel so much fear, and doubt? I have no doubt of who you are, I doubt myself. I can’t bring back what was taken from me, but I know that tomorrow I will wake and I have a new canvas to paint my picture. I can’t unmake my mistake, I can’t undo my pain, but I can learn how to use it. It doesn’t matter how far I’ve fallen, because your love and mercy tells me I’m not a lost cause. Your grace washes away my past and you make me a new creation. As I know who I am it feels sometimes I’m tethered to those failures of yesterday. Jeremiah 8:4 “You shall say to them, Thus says the Lord: When men fall, do they not rise again? If one turns away, does he not return?” I have fallen my Lord and I get back up. I have stumbled my Lord and yet I keep moving forward. Proverbs 24:16The righteous may fall seven times but still get up, but the wicked will stumble into trouble.” I keep your word in my heart, and I stand against the lies of the Devil. I find strength when I’m weak, and I find hope in my despair. Proverbs 14:32 “The wicked are crushed by disaster, but the godly have a refuge when they die.” I feel the weight of my sins, and I carry my cross but in your love and grace I’m not crushed by it. Though my sins are long I am saved by grace. Though my pain runs deep I am healed by love. 2 Corinthians 4:9We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed”.

I cry out to the Lord in my hour of need, I have heard your voice, and now I need to see. What is the path you have set for me? My God my Lord, I wait for the dawn. My Lord please part the clouds and bring back the sun. See me through this storm and keep me safe from harm. The pain I have is true and real. The hurt I have, like so many others, please take it and heal my heart. I’ve lost so much, and here I stand, at the foot of the cross with open arms. I trust in you, and I have faith. I’m tired and weary, but I carry on. Psalm 23 “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.[a] He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness[b] for his name’s sake.4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[c] I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows, 6 Surely[d] goodness and mercy[e] shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell[f] in the house of the Lord forever.[g]” In my days of fighting this fight I prepare my heart and soul. I trust that this time will pass from me and one day I will look back on my life and know I fought hard in this life. Like so many before me, I pray for my path to ease, the fog to lift, and the sun to shine. I pray for peace, and I long for calm. I have been a faithful soldier and when my time comes, I pray in truth, the words of Paul. 2 Timothy 4:6-8 “For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.”