Tag: life

Pay it Forward

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Pay it Forward

While on a wonderful date with a very dear woman in my life, I was sitting in Olive Garden having a wonderful conversation. Toward the end of the meal the waiter came up with the customary black pouch that holds the bill. He proceeded to inform us that another table had seen I was a veteran and to thank me for my service picked up the bill. I was left speechless and all I could say was wow that was so nice. The truth that you may find kindness in the most unusual of places is so completely true. While I never expected to encounter such kindness on my trip, I would go as far to say perhaps, on this journey outside of my well established comfort zone, a renewed sense of faith in humanity has been found. While I was expecting the bill to total near $50, I felt badly for the waiter. I couldn’t let that go, so I did what I felt was the best and most correct course, I left him a $20 tip. Though it seems like a small gesture to repay such kindness I felt it was a good start.

I’ve seen and heard in the past these measures of kindness be passed along. Though I’ve never experienced them myself, I’m rarely in a position to afford such generosity. While I do feel that old period in my life is passing away, and a new life is awaiting for me, I am excited to continue to do my part for the good of mankind. It’s so important to continue to look out for those who are less fortunate then ourselves. We must let the guidance of the Holy Spirit point us in the right direction and allow ourselves to not hold onto, or horde our accumulated wealth, but to share it within reason with those we encounter. Doing small acts of kindness such as paying for someone meal, paying for a families energy bill when you know they are in need, or as once in my youth providing a Thanksgiving dinner just because whoever sent it knew my family was not very well off, and often in need of assistance.

Proverbs 22:9 “He that hath a bountiful eye shall be blessed; for he giveth of his bread to the poor.”

Proverbs 28:27 “He that giveth unto the poor shall not lack: but he that hideth his eyes shall have many a curse.”

 In whatever state we find ourselves we will always be better off then someone. We don’t have to look very far to see the suffering and needs of others. While I have sat and thought about this a great deal, I have pondered the song by Brandon Heath:

 

Give Me Your Eyes

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city of lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touch down on the cold black-top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breathe in the familiar shock of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere, why have I never cared

***

There’s a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie.
Too ashamed to tell his wife he’s out of work, he’s buyin time.
All those people going somewhere, why have I never cared.

 

(Chores)

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see,
Everything that I keep missing,
Give your love for humanity.
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eyes so I can see.

 

If we could just all do a kind deed, just one a day, if everyone would reach out to help someone, and if everyone found it within themselves to pay it forward, we would all live in a world where the people in this world would be taking care of all the other people in this world, how much could we change. We are all part of a broken and fallen world, but if we are all broken together, maybe we can find a way to make it in this world together, because together we will always be stronger. Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” The idea of together stronger is a long running theme in the Bible. 1 Corinthians 12:12-27 speaks of the body working in separate parts, yet vital together. The legs and arms work apart, but vital as part of the body as a whole. We are all part of the body of Christ and if we are to work together we must learn to do this as one. We must learn to love one another, and when nice things are done for us, random acts of kindness, we must learn to pay it forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Traveling with God

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Traveling with God

As I prepared for my trip to Indiana I found myself full of anxiety and questioned if I should even go. Things that I was struggling with caused me rethink multiple times whether this trip was actually worth going on or not. While in the end I decided to go I definitely prayed for the trip to be as smooth as possible and one of my biggest pet peeves is being stuck in traffic. As a ventured out from my home in North Carolina when I got on the road I realized traffic was incredibly light and would stay that way the entire trip.

The trip started off much like any of my other trips, long before the sun rises. I left about 45 minutes later then I wanted, but all things happen for a reason, so I didn’t stress leaving late. I had a long farewell with my puppy Cooper. He doesn’t fair well when myself and Riley are gone. I got into the car, said my goodbyes and drove off. The fog was thick and heavy. Not thick enough to slow me down, but still, with the threat of dear, any fog is a potential nightmare.

The drive was nice so early in the morning. I remember looking at the clock and waiting for the heavier traffic to pick up. As I started out of North Carolina I was amazed I didn’t hit traffic at all. I waited and waited, but it never came. I filled up the first time in West Virginia much to my chagrin. I’ve been in scary positions in West Virginia so I don’t generally like to stop. This time however wasn’t bad at all. It was nice. I made a few extra stop before the sun came up on the account I hadn’t gotten much sleep before leaving.

Traveling in the mountains wasn’t difficult at all. I got a little rain in some parts, and there was some fog, but again nothing that slowed me down much. In fact traffic in the mountains was so clear I was able to maintain 45 miles per gallon coming back down. I estimated 3 stops for fuel, but with that kind of MPG I would only need to stop twice which is obviously amazing. The rest of the trip would be beautiful sunny weather, beautiful temperatures, and my co pilot loved it. She kept her head out of the window for much of the drive. With no cars on the road, the windows down, sun shining, it was like the road was clear for just me. I was able to get a ton of pictures of the beautiful scenery along my travels.

It wasn’t until I hit Indiana that the traffic started, along with construction ever 10 miles, and backup traffic, but don’t forget the clouds, the rain and the cold weather. When my trip started it was about 85* and 100% humidity, dropping to 60* and 90% humidity. It was strange how once I hit the Indiana border the trip changed. Almost ominous, but here I am day two. I was able to do my banking, I was able to see my adopted brother, and I was able to get a decent deal on a really cheap motel. The motel is NOTHING to write home about, but it’s cheap, it’s in a good location, and Riley doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, she let me sleep in.

I know God was with me the whole trip and always. Psalm 91:11 “For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.” It doesn’t matter where we travel, if we travel with the Lord in your heart He will always be there. Psalm 139:9-10 “If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.” We may not ever have a plan just a direction. If we trust in the Lord and we travel with our heart the Lord will watch over us. Psalm 139:9-10 “If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.”

When you travel out your door travel with the knowledge that Christ Jesus is with you. Know that anywhere you go is an opportunity to witness and spread the word of the Gospel. Use what you have to preach and teach. Find a way, find a way to give hope to those who have none. We never know the impact we may have, and even on a leisure trip, you can use the time and the place to impact the world around you. Have faith in God, and you will see your opening to make a difference. Trust in the Lord always, and your path will be made clear.

The Money

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The Money

There are more then a few bible verses regarding the use of money. Dave Ramsey’s course Financial Peace University revolves around scripture’s instructions on how to handle money. There’s no doubt that when handled correctly money can be a great asset, however if not handled correctly it can cause some of the most dire strife you may ever encounter in your life.

People love money; they love it so much peoples entire life revolves around the collection of dollar signs, the accumulation of riches. This accumulation of money makes people feel powerful. It makes people feel as if they can do anything they want. 1 Timothy 6:10 “For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.” When we focus on money and we misuse the gifts given, we fall to the desires Satan wants us to fall to. Ecclesiastes 5:10 “He that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor he that loveth abundance with increase: this [is] also vanity.” We are told not to allow ourselves to fall to the allure of money. Matthew 6:19-21 “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:” And finally Proverbs 22:7 “The rich ruleth over the poor, and the borrower [is] servant to the lender.”

When money comes we must understand how to use it. We must first give thanks to the giver and all things the giver is God. When we are given a gift we must understand that we cannot squander what we are given. We must understand the nature of what we are given is given to us with the understanding we will share our gifts with others. Proverbs 22:9 “Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor.” When we are given money, especially in large sums we must learn to give back, pay back debts, and with work never get into debt again. Proverbs 28:27 “Whoever gives to the poor will not want, but he who hides his eyes will get many a curse.” When the going gets tough we must respect the rules. Give according to your own ability. Your giving will be bountifully repaid. Acts 11:29 “So the disciples determined, every one according to his ability, to send relief to the brothers living in Judea.”

 When we are given this gift use it to give, use it to set up a good future, and always remember to thank the giver. In all things it’s important to remember that if we make things messy we will only be given messy. We have to keep things neat and tidy. 2 Corinthians 9:6-7 “The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. 7 Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” Being debt free is a gift after years of trying. Pray not to squander that gift and use what you’re given for the benefit of God’s work.

As the house sells, and a new future begins, all I can do is thank God for my gift, and pray I use it in a pleasing way.

 

 

 

300

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300

It seems almost ironic that at 300 posts I’m nearly ready to go move on with my life. I’ve spent the last 388 days trying to learn to rebuild. In that time I’ve had some great success and have made wonderful progress. I’ve also suffered major setbacks and further pain. The blog was meant to be a way for me to reach others. It was meant for me to talk to others about the pain I hold inside and despite my best efforts I still have. While in some way and by some measures the blog has been highly successful, I don’t feel it’s reached the height of it’s potential as I wished it had. At my 200th blog entry, July 4th I had “1286 Visitors, 3628 Views, I’ve had 359 likes and 235 Comments. I have reached an astounding 51 countries.” Now 100 posts later I look back over the last 100 days. In 100 days instead of moving to Colorado I suffered a major back injury and instead of migrating west I underwent the knife, received a titanium plate, didn’t drive for a month and a half, and haven’t shot my bow in a hundred days. I’ve not dated anyone, and the only “date” I went on was my wife whom I’ve been separated since last September. Sounds pathetic when I say it out loud, but the chance to go play mini golf, dinner, and hang out was far to much to pass up. While I haven’t done anything spectacular except write, and I’ve kept my mother company, but overall, my contribution to life has been sadly disappointing.

What can I say about the 300 mark that doesn’t sound self-serving? I’ve been struggling to find the inspiration to write every day. It’s not been an easy 100 drays and in that time I’ve written to stay afloat, but the ideas, the titles, the scripture just hasn’t come to me as it once had. The month of September my views dropped by nearly 50%. While I have been told not to judge my own success based on others responses I’ve watched as people celebrate 100 followers in just a couple months. To date I’m at 75, and I’ve been here for months. I would guess the best way to look at this is I’ve continued to reach multiple countries. I’ve continued to reach new people, and while my following has slowed a great deal I continue my work, my mission. 229 days ago I started this mission and I’ve grown. My studies, my growth and my understanding of scripture have grown a great deal.

While I continue looking forward to whatever God has planned for my future, I pray for many things. This journey has been a lonely one, and while I fully understand there was a reason for God to keep me alone all this time I can’t help but hope that time is over. This journey of discovery has been the most difficult year of my life. As I’ve struggled with my own mortality, my own grief, my own demons, I have walked this journey not alone but hand in hand with Christ. While I’ve faced the darkness I can only ask for continued grace even though I’ve done nothing to deserve it. We fail every day and even as I’ve failed, as I’ve fallen, the good Lord has picked me up, brushed off my scrapped knees, and has held my hand when the seas got rough.

While I will always love those from my past, and I pray I will love again in my future, the days that come are slow and long. A look back over the last 100 days and I now sit at 2814 Visitors, 500 Likes, 6114 Views, and 86 Countries.

The voice that calls to me, speaking my name, I turned away for so long, but now I succumb to the voice and let go of who I once was. The days that came and went were only lessons to be learned. I glance behind only to see how long I’ve come. The days of past may haunt us in dreams, but can no longer harm us. The days of yesterday hold grip but tomorrow is where the focus should be. While I am uncertain of my path, uncertain of what may come my way, I am certain of only one thing, God is forever standing by my side. Where there’s trouble you must just call for the Lord and you will not be alone. Our safety is never certain, our prayers are not always answered, but we can rest assure there’s always a reason. While I have prayed every day for someone to truly accept me as theirs, while I have prayed that the fight with the VA would finally be over, while I have prayed that enough would be enough and I’d finally be able to live in a semi state of peace, that has not come to pass. As the road is long and hard I find myself weak and weary. I pray for help, I pray for guidance, and as I am continuously filled with conviction, with God’s love, I have the strength to get by one day at a time. As I rely on God’s grace and mercy I realize the enemy is the Devil, and the doubt is the whispers told in the dark. Like the Spartan’s I would gladly kick Satan down into the abyss, yelling “This Is Sparta!” Or like the President on Air Force One “Get off my plane!” You get the idea. Don’t let Satan lie to you and keep you from reaching your full potential.

While I cannot deny the blessings that are coming my way, it’s a bitter sweet. 300 posts, and as I wait to see how long I can keep up this pace, I know that eventually all good things must come to and end. Where I go form here I don’t know, but what I do know is I will continue to do God’s work, and try to make this world a better place. While I can’t say this blog will have won me any kind of notoriety, I do hope I’ve at least been influential in at least a life. I can only hope and pray that’s the case. The day shall rise and fall, and like the shadows on the wall, the season changes. Hope and prayer are sometimes the two greatest assets we may ever hold onto. Don’t loose hope even when things seem to be at their most bleak. When we look down even for just a moment, we take our eyes off of what’s in front of us, our focus dwindles for a moment, and next thing you know you look up and you’re about to collide with an iceberg. Don’t loose focus because it could be your doom if you do.

While I have noted a sharp drop in my following, and some days the posts I make don’t get a single hit anymore. These days all I can do is try to get the blogs out there. I can only hope to spread the word and hope that others will do so if they feel the desire to. Getting the word out, spreading the website, reposting the blog, sharing with friends and colleagues. My hope is to continue to expand, and I hope to reach more people every day.

 

 

Cha Cha Cha Changes

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Cha Cha Cha Changes

Well, now I have no idea what I’m going to do. The future looks like it’s going to be changing, and I see that it’s likely I’ll be kind of like that guy in a barrel about to go over the lip of the waterfall at Niagara Falls. Big changes come sometimes, and we aren’t always prepared for them. We don’t always know where the changes will take us, and we can’t always prepare for it. The changes that come raises the pressure, so our lives are someplace between Changes by David Bowie, and Pressure by Queen, “Turn to face the change” and “Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for, Under pressure that brings a building down, Splits a family in two, Puts people on streets” Life is full of change, and no matter how much we fight against it we just can’t seem to stop the raging river from doing what it wants. Time is that river of course and all way can do is lay back and enjoy the rapids.

While the future has been in a constant state of change with no set direction, nor has there been any resemblance that things are going to be calming down anytime soon, all I can do is sit back and pray. I am sitting around ready to go at a moments notice like the quick reaction force I used to be in Iraq. With major changes to the plan yet again, I haven’t the slightest clue where I’m going, or what I’m doing. With uncertainty the new catchphrase for my life, I’d say it’s back to the drawing board.

Proverbs 16:1-3 “The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” We plan what we want, what we think is best, but as our field of view is limited so we will never see the big picture. We must have faith that just because we may not have the slightest clue what we’re doing, God knows. As long as we are living our life in a Godly way, we can have faith that although the future may not be what we have planned, God’s still with us, God’s still on the throne, and we need to remain faithful and patient.

I remember when I was in Iraq we would sit around the house, we’d be cleaning equipment, playing games, watching movies, or catching up on some sleep. We waited around, waiting for the call that there was a mission. When that mission came we were ready within minutes to go into the unknown. We had a direction, but no idea what we were going to face. We responded to anything and everything to include IED’s (improvised explosive devices), suicide bombers, attacks, escorts, incoming fire locations, or outgoing fire locations. We were always flexible to the point some days we’d have several back to back missions, and often skipped meals for them. I don’t know what changed but I feel as if complacency has attacked me in my sleep. As I think back to what I call my glory days, I find myself longing for a time when I felt like I was making a physical difference in others lives. My teammates, my brothers depended on me to do my job. Now no one depends on me for anything. Reeling from the loss my my wife last year I find myself hoping I once again find someone to fill that void left in my life. I feel like I’m ready and I feel as if I’m sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the next mission. I may not know when it’s going to come, but I know I have to be ready at a moments notice. So, here I am, ready for the changes, hopeful for the future, and ready for my next adventure.

 

 

Live by the Tongue, Die by the Tongue

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Live by the Tongue, Die by the Tongue

The little thing we keep in our mouths is a mix between dangerous and amazing. The tongue has the potential to say the sweetest of words, sing beautiful lyrics, site-amazing poems, and express the deepest of love. The flip side is anger, hate, bigotry, and can often sew decent in any situation.

Proverbs 21:23 “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” When we live our life according to Jesus and the Holy Word, we must mind our tongue. When we consider the commandment of Love God above all with all your heart, and then love your neighbor as yourself, we must always remember that once spoken, words can never be recovered. Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” If we are lifting ourselves and other sup to the level Christ wants us to be, we must always lift up and not tear down. It’s not easy always minding the tongue, but it is something we are supposed to do.

When we love one another arguments usually happen. We have a choice however how to deal with those situations when they come up. Proverbs 12:18 “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” We often hurt our loved ones the most and we know just want to say just like plunging a knife in deeply. Why is it so easy for us to hurt the ones we care for? Knowing when to open your mouth and knowing when to keep it shut is a gift of patience and Holy Virtue. Proverbs 17:28 “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” We need to remember sometimes it’s better to just shut our mouth and move on.

It’s very simple in concept, but probably the most difficult thing you’ll ever do. We as Christians must learn to control what we say. If what you speak isn’t used to raise someone up or help them genuinely, there’s no need to say it. So may kids today bullied to the point of torture, yet we stand idly by and continue to allow it to happen. Words do hurt, and we have a choice on how we want others to feel after talking to us. While it’s true we are not all gifted with speech, and we may not always say what we mean, or even know how to articulate the right words. It’s hard to articulate feelings, especially when feelings can cause strife. We must learn to articulate feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt your partner. While it’s not easy, it takes practice, and it takes the desire to want to know how not to hurt your loved ones, but with the right effort it’s possible.

If you live a life with love in your heart its easier to speak with love on your tongue. When you have anger, or hate in your heart you speak ill of people, you’re cruel and the words that you utter tear people down. Love and raise up, because in this world we could all use a little more love in our hearts. Love more, love often.

 

 

Driving Force

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Driving Force

What pushes you? Do you have a motivation to push yourself because of a desire to be the best? Do you push yourself to provide for others? Do you do it out of greed, or a need to make the world a better place? We all have our dreams, but how do those dreams affect those around us? We want what we want, but at what cost? The life I’ve lived I have learned to weigh the good of the mission, verses the good of what’s truly important.

Driving Force 1

In our life we may only get a few chances to finally and fully meet our better half. How often does life get in the way, and divide the home. All I ever wanted in my life was to be remembered for something great. I wanted to make a difference and to leave a legacy for my children to have. I wanted to have a bunch of kids and in that hope and that dream my soul purpose was to make a happy home. All I wanted to do was come runnin’ home to the woman I loved. I tried every day to be a good man, a good husband, a good Christian. The days that unfold in front of us don’t always play by the rules, and we aren’t always given the fair shot.

See, the thing is, for some people the hard work that gains them notoriety, the success and happiness in life, comes with a measure of ease that’s not often true for everyone. No matter the hard work, sometimes things just go badly. What can a man do when he marries a girl, lives a good life, and looses her? When he picks up the pieces and starts over, meeting a new girl, spending more time together, getting married, and when you feel like you’ve got the keys to the city, so many blessings, what can you do when it explodes in your face? The explosion sends shrapnel through your body and you feel like your insides are oozing out onto the ground. How do you triage the worst of the worst and bandage yourself up? There’s something inside us all that forces us to pick ourselves up, and even if we limp on, we still move. For every one of us that driving force is different.

Driving Force 3

For me, it was God. God spoke to me, and although the words were about forgiveness the act itself was very clear. Go and make disciples. Go and expand the flock, spread the Gospel and fight the good fight. With the hardships of Job, and the mission of Paul, who said this life would be easy? The thing that most people miss when they say they are alone, and although they may be in this world, God is always with them. God is with us when we are broken, and if God spoke to all of us, I’m sure He’d say we are “Broken Together” How many of us wish in adulthood we could go back to simpler times. I myself have been thinking a lot about my time in high school and how simple it was. Do the homework, go to the club meetings, and try to keep up with friends. Friends, seems that concept gets lost as time moves us along. As friends get scattered by the wind it’s harder and harder to keep track of where they go, or rather, they stop keeping track of you. I have stumbled and I’ve fallen, and now I’m at the precipice of my life changing forever and I can’t hear what I’m supposed to do. I’ve tried to quiet my mind and listen, but the storm’s so loud I can’t hear. I’ve doubted myself, I’ve doubted my resolve and now that the time is upon me, I don’t know if I’m making the right choice. The prayers I’m sure are being heard, but I suppose at some point I have to just take the leap, plunge into the darkness and pray that the light of the Lord will shine brightly if nothing else through me. I know that no matter where I am the Lord is with me, and no matter how bad it gets, no matter how bad I feel, no matter the despair I’m in, God is always with me.

Driving Force 4

Knowing the knife is no longer there it feels as fresh as the day it plunged into my heart. I recently received a small set of cheap throwing knives. I figured I’d expand my list of talents in the hopes of adding more useless bullets to my growing list of useless talents. Knife throwing doesn’t exactly win you prizes with the ladies fathers, and it certainly doesn’t give you a good bullet for a resume. While I wasn’t expecting to be great, I wasn’t expecting to be horrible either. Boy was I wrong. I threw the knife twice, missed the box the first time (my aim sucked) and then threw a second time, and I’m pretty sure I hit the box with the handle side of the knife. For the record I watched an 8 minute video on knife throwing, and I was pretty sure I had a good handle on it, no pun intended. Sadly it started to rain and as I was throwing into a cardboard box, I decided to call it quits. I cleaned off the knife and placed it back in its sheath. While I was sitting here on the couch pondering the nature of this blog, it occurred to me that life is a lot like that experience. I failed my first two tries, but that doesn’t mean I will never get it. Sure the first video isn’t appealing, but neither was the first time I picked up my recurve bow, the arrow completely missed the target bag. You have to keep trying and practicing to be good at something isn’t life the same way? We can’t be expected to get life right all the time. We stumble, we fall, we crash, we love, we loose, and through it all, the only thing we can do is sleep, and wake up the next day and try again. Anything is possible if we only believe, and we have to have the faith in God that anything can be remade. Anything in our life can be fixed, and we can if we have the blessings from God to do so.

Broken Together by Casting Crowns

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we’ve drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night?

It’s going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

 I was told recently we could never go back to the way things were. While that’s true, fixing what’s broken isn’t impossible. Though the broken, or shattered lives of the past may never be put back together, all we can do is focus on how we can pick ourselves up. See that’s what the driving force is all about isn’t it? What drives you to get back up when you’ve been knocked down? Why do you get up time and again, why do you stay in the fight? I think it’s important for all of us to review those traits inside each and every one of us. We must know what we fight for, what we want, what our personal code is, and live by it. My code aligns with Gods word the truth. I fight for justice; I fight for truth because truth is sometimes all we have in this world. I don’t like bullies and I stand firm against them even at the cost of myself. I pick myself up because I don’t like the idea of being seen as weak. I don’t like the idea of being deemed a failure. This last year I’ve fought to redeem myself. I fell hard last year, and I lost what I felt was my entire credibility. I felt as if my actions would be the doom of my life forever. While this may or may not be the actual case, some of the facts are undeniable.

Remember though, it’s okay to fall, and it’s okay to get knocked down. The Devil will try to keep you there, and what you need to do is listen to the voice of truth.

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. “Boy, you’ll never win!”
“You’ll never win!”

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
The voice of truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

 Don’t listen to the lies, the half-truths, or the feelings of worthlessness the Devil tries to tell you. You know you were perfectly made, and that is what’s important. You need to get back up because even if you’re broken, God uses broken people the most. You may be broken, but you can change the world even when you don’t know how to fix yourself. There’s a song that the Angels sing, and they sing for you. You can be the redeemed and through Christ made new. What drives you? Jesus, Jesus drives me to get back up and to always try to be better. You may not be good at everything, but there’s something you can do and be the best at. Find it, use it, and glorify God with it. Be the best at something, and if you’re going to take a beating in this life at least do it for God. Stand up, and look the Devil straight in the eyes and say, “I can do this all day!” (Captain America)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Insomnia

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Insomnia

I lay away at night, so much on my mind, the days, the weeks the months. Bitter sweet for the end, the signature and ink on the line, and that’s it, all that time just vanishes. Was I a failure? I ponder the days that draw near, the move, and even maybe someone. It’s 0100 and I’ve been up for an hour. I slept for an hour and awoke for no apparent reason.

It’s not often I can’t sleep at night. They say when you can’t sleep write down what’s on your mind and get it out. While for me it’s very clear what it is, I have to keep in mind that this is a season of change for me. While there’s plenty in my life that’s a mile beyond complicated I am trying to stay focused on the things I can change, and let go of the things I can’t.

The serenity prayer has been influential tonight, but sleep still eludes me. What do some of you do when you can’t sleep? Do you try the warm milk, count sheep, get out of bed and pace around? Do you turn on the TV, or read, or write in a journal? I’m generally curious.

Philippians 4:6-7 “Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks.  Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus.”

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

Proverbs 3:24 “When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.”

Psalms 4:8 “I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, Lord, only makest me dwell in safety.”

 A prayer for sleep: My God my God, I lay awake and worry has my mind. I ask for clarity and peace of mind to allow me to sleep tonight. I am thankful for the many blessings I have. I’m thankful for the new path in front of me, and I’m thankful for the special person you’ve put into my life. Even though I may be restless tonight, I am grateful for all I have. As tomorrow is the closing of an era, I pray strength to continue to move forward. While I will have more bad days to come, I know that peace can be found in knowing you’re still in control. For those who are broken and can’t find the strength to get up off the floor, I pray your peace finds them and me. The days come and go, and I know that though my road is long, the dawn will come and everything will be all right. We are more the choices that we make; we are more then the sum of our past mistakes. Through Christ we are forgiven and even when we don’t deserve that forgiveness, that grace, we are loved beyond anything we can ever understand. Don’t let worry and doubt, and regret keep you up at night. Breathe and let go. Now go get some sleep!

Rediscover

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Rediscover

The song plays in the distance, Moon River by Melissa Benoist. I have a dream to cross over the rainbow to find my Oz. A journey of discovery to find who I’m meant to be, I walk a path that seems black and white and without color we aren’t truly alive. Over the rainbow lies a land of magic, of color, of wonders beyond our wildest imagination. How do I get there I wonder, how do I take the step, then the leap to see if I can fly? I find myself scared to do what is necessary. I struggle to think about what if I’m making a huge mistake? The butterfly’s in my stomach doing summersaults, and as I watch a part of my life close, I wonder how did all this happens, I’m left with no answers. Life was good, moving forward, and I liked where I was. It’s so difficult closing a book when it’s over. A book that caught you, that grabbed every bit of your essence, and knowing that it’s done, it’s hard to grasp the finality of what’s come to pass. It’s clear now, that where I’m meant to is not where I thought I’d be. My life changed in an instant and in a year I found myself fighting a duality. I feel as if I’ve been split into two people and I barely recognize either of them. The man I see in the mirror I don’t recognize. The family that never would be, the career that ended before it flew, the awards that now gather dust in a box, all for nothing.

I know I never followed the typical path, but now I question why. What is it about me that so much bad have happened in a single lifetime? I look down at the cross I wear on my finger. The words of the armor are the reminder to remain strong and to fight the urge to crumble. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, and the urge to cry comes. I don’t know what’s waitin’ round the bend for me, and I don’t know if I have a friend waiting for me. I feel like I’m falling apart. My resolve seems to be shaken, and now I question everything. Of course when the going gets tough the answers are found in only two places. 1. Scripture, 2. Godly counsel.

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

 My Lord, you must think I’m strong because I feel like the weight of the world is crushing me. Where is the light at the end of these hard times? Where’s the grace when the world isn’t fair? Where’s the faith I need to stand strong in the raging storm?

Rediscover 3Looking back at the person I once was I liked who I was back then. I look back and see the strength to take on the world, to overcome anything that came, and I was. I was a happier person, I was full of joy, and life. Today I feel so removed from then. I feel like the scars have built up and now I don’t see who I was any longer. I survived a war and through that I felt more me then I do now. The suffering from combat left me looking at the person in the mirror and I saw someone new. Now I look into the mirror and I see so little of my old self-looking back. It looks like me, but broken, fogged over through the steam that covers the glass. I wipe away the dew on the glass and I see the mask looking back at me.

God, I am broken today. I feel lost and I feel broken. My God I ask for healing today, and could healing happen today? My Lord on high you’ve watched me fall, you’ve seen me cry, you’ve seen me bleed, so I ask you on this day, to stand here with me broken together. Help pick me up and guide me along the right path. I don’t know which way’s up, or which ways down, I’m lost at sea with no stars to guide me. My fairy tale has broken down and like Humpdy Dumpdy I thought maybe I couldn’t be put back together again. Today I fall to my knees and I pray and pray, and I know that there’s only one hope for me, God’s love and God’s healing grace. I know that in this trial I’ve been tested. As many have before I me, I lean upon the words of prophesy.

Revelation 2:10 “Do not fear what you are about to suffer. Behold, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and for ten days you will have tribulation. Be faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life.” God you’ve never left my side even in the storm, even as I faced death, you carried me back on wings of grace. You saved me for a purpose and even when I don’t know what that is, you do. You have given me a second chance to praise you in the storm, and no matter the waves that pound against me I won’t back down, I won’t stop fighting. My God my God, you have seen me through the war, you have seen me loose it all, you’ve seen me stumble, you’ve seen me fall, but today as I cry and feel like I can’t go on, I feel the strength come from above. As I sit and write I cry and the moment I start my dog lays her head in my lap. You use her to remind me you’re still there.

I am reminded that I need you Lord because the worlds to big. I stop and I listen, I quite my mind, and I reach down deep to hear your voice again. It’s with me always but sometimes I forget. Lord you cover me with the grace of your Angels, you protect me from harm, and you lift my soul. You rescue me from the Devil’s snare and one day you will call me home. While today is not that day, and nor was it yesterday or the times before, you have watched over me.

While I sit and seek tomorrow I pray the rainbow is bright. I see my wonderland and through the keyhole I ask if I seek, someday will I find, someone to watch over me. The future is a question we can’t be afraid of. We must grab life by the horns and must learn to leap so we may fly. While I’m not sure where I’m going, or what I’m doing, I know that I must take the leap of faith, and I know this journey will be one for me to rediscover who I am. Often when a chapter ends, or even the book the next phase is to relearn, rediscover who you are, or who you’re meant to be.

Rediscover 2

I Can Go The Distance

I have often dreamed of a far off place
Where a hero’s welcome would be waiting for me
Where the crowds would cheer, when they see my face
And a voice keeps saying this is where I’m meant to be

I’ll be there someday, I can go the distance
I will find my way if I can be strong
I know every mile would be worth my while
When I go the distance, I’ll be right where I belong

As I keep going in this life, I know I will one day find that welcome. I remain on the path, and one day I will finish the song.

I will search the world, I will face its harms
‘Till I find my hero’s welcome waiting in your arms

 

 

 

 

Falling For You

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Falling For You

Giving us a choice, we walk our path alone, but for how long? The blood spilt on hallowed ground, the choices we make from then on out is our cross. Can’t say what tomorrow will bring, can’t say what’s in our future, but as we grow, I want you in it, my Lord my God, show me the way.

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You entered my life and I wasn’t prepared for it. You wore down my defenses, and without a word you got in beyond the shield, beyond the moat, beyond the walls. I don’t know how I feel, but what I feel I feel for you. You’ve changed my life in a day, a gift from above. My God was looking out for me, I was given a gift a beautiful flower plucked from the darkness and brought into the light. You’ve given me no other choice but to love. I don’t know my future but I know my past. All I know is I don’t want to live in the dark anymore. The light in my heart shines brighter. You’ve altered my life, and you’ve made me better. You smile at me, and you’ve created much glee.

When things were so dark and gloomy you put a little love in my heart. I don’t know tomorrow, or the part you play, but you’ve changed in me a big,  big way. As the light may shine bright, and even if you leave, you leave me in a better place. God brought you into my life just like Jesus said. We just need to wait and see but the love that floats around cannot be taken for granted. Making the world a better place one day at a time.

Even if you leave tomorrow I will forever hold you tight. We never know how long we have, or what we need to do. Loving this day is all we are asked to do. Knowing what’s in the air and following the rose petals that life lies down, we can only do one thing, appreciate the day we have.

Jesus gave us life, gave us hope, and we cannot walk away from the truth. In the darkness we find light and the darkness runs in fear. The case is you’re my super friend. Jesus the first superhero, He defeated death itself, and gave us the love we needed but never deserved. So from that cue, we have what we need, right when we need it. I am meant to be wherever you are next to me my Lord. All my life I promise to keep running towards you my grace. I pray you grant me a love that will last, a love that stands apart. I pray for the woman to be my partner and my best friend. When you give me her, I promise to always run home to her, to cherish her and love her as you so loved us. I may not be worthy of such love, but I know one day when you see fit, you’ll give me that gift. To love and to hold, as you loved us. 2 Corinthians 9:7-9 “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency[e] in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 9 As it is written,”

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The day grows dark, the hate rises from the depths of Hell, and all we can do is put love in our heart. It’s time to let go of the yesterday, be free from the pain that shackled you down, grow, and take a look around at the love that surrounds you. Make the world a better place and start with you. Be the light in your friends life, be the grace that people see, and know that Christ is working through you. Don’t let the perpetuation of hate continue in your life. Don’t let fear and doubt stain your sword. What more is there in this life that stands above love? Be the joy because Jesus lives in your heart and teaches you love.

While I search my heart for the right words, I’m left on the precipice looking over the wonders of the world. When I can think of nothing better then your presence, your smile, I know that you are more, you’re special in some way. No matter the time that passes I know you’ve forever changed me. Just as Christ has taken residence in my heart, you hold a place now too. Today, tomorrow, and always a difference forever made.