Tag: life

A Conversation With God

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A Conversation With God

My God,

I came into this world a product of circumstance. I wasn’t born perfect in the flesh but perfect to your creation. I didn’t grow perfect in the flesh, but perfect to your plan. The trials and pain would start early in my life, and I would suffer long. I cried to you many times to take me home, yet you did not answer. A lifetime crying to you, and never relieving me of my pain. I know you’re there because I feel your presence. I can hear your whisper in the wind, I can feel you when I wake, and I know that my faith is tested, oh is it tested.

It seems the darkness and I have been an enemy for years past. The darkness rises and I feel the winds of change, yet in the wind I am powerless to stop the coming storm. I cried aloud to you for protection and for guidance. When the storm hits I’m not ready for the impact it would have. I cried to you, and as I reached for you, I feel as if I slipped through your grasp and the Devil had me by the ankle, I slammed to the fire below and for the moment the darkness had me. The darkness that remained in my heart, the pain of the years of struggle, festering beneath the surface like a cancer, had control, and I wasn’t me for a moment.

When I succumbed to the darkness, you never left my side. As I slipped away your Angels swooped down from Heaven and grabbed me. I don’t know why you saved me, but here I am. It’s been over a year now, and I sit and wonder what’s next my Lord? I have devoted a year to teach and preach your word. I have continued now, and I pray to you to show me the next step. I have fear and doubt and I beseech you show me the way.

In my solitude I find my wandering mind goes to the past. I find myself facing the emotions from so many trials, that were buried, never to be thought of again. I feel wrestles, yet I can’t seem to find my motivation to stand up and walk. My eyes are stained with tears, crying for my losses. It’s felt like Heaven’s been so far away, and the pain inside seems like it’s lingered, and I struggle to find my way. I feel empty some days and I wonder where you’ve gone. I know it’s the lies from below. I have learned to praise you in the good days, and the bad. I have learned to praise you in the storm. I feel the cold creeping in, and in the howls of the wind and rain, I hear you in this storm. I lift my hands to you my Lord and I trust in you. I trust that no matter how battered and broken I feel you have never left my side. Every life has a purpose, even the bee that pollinates flowers, and makes us honey. Every Life is important, and I will remember it.

My God, I feel broken, please put me back together. Life is confusing right now, and I can’t find my way out of this forest. I feel lost and I can’t find my way. I know that in your time I will be delivered from this struggle, and that in all things your time is perfect. I put my faith in you my Lord, because I know this is not where I belong. Some days my Lord I feel alone, so please give me the strength for me to be the man you want me to be. Give me the strength to face this life, and to continue fighting for your word. Please give me the strength to be more then I am today. Show me the way, so I can be the Soldier you’d have me be. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I know I don’t have to be strong enough all the time. Be my strength my Lord. I worship you for the answered and unanswered prayers. Today, tomorrow, until the time I come home.

I’m Not Weak

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I’m Not Weak

It’s not that I am weak if I fall. It’s not that I feel low, it’s about getting back up. I have fallen, and I feel like I’m laying on the ground. I feel battered and bloody. Am I weak because I took a hit and I fell? What is strength? Is strength that we never get it, or that when we do we find the ability to stand back up? While I’ll admit this has been the longer I’ve been down on the mat, I feel like I am making progress. I often feel that others have looked down upon me in judgment and have placed little thought about where I’ve come from. I often look to myself and place an unreasonable goal on myself. I look to myself and call myself weak for not being able to stand back up. While there’s no doubt I am trying, and there’s no doubt I have made progress, I don’t feel it’s been fast enough. I feel much of the time I’ve been on my own dealing with these feelings I have little experience with. Failure is not a stranger to my lips, but to this magnitude, to this extent, I have no frame of reference. The clock ticks and it’s maddening in my ears. The hours feel like years, and I watch as the civil war wages on inside my mind.

For years I watched men around me. Why didn’t I feel like I fit in? What was so different about me then others? I wrestled with my place for years. In school I didn’t fit in with the guys. I was an outcast, an anomaly. I watched the world move around me and I felt like a spectator instead of a player, I found the longer the status quo stayed the same, the wider the chasm grew. I was the friend to the ladies but rarely more. I was the annoying tag along for the guys, so I chose to walk the path of the lesser pain. I sat with the girls at lunch, I hung out with the girls out of school, and as I grew I was the one guy in the crowd of the girls. Not a bad place to be in my own mind, I was with the girls, but only as their friend. I found in time it was a place I could live to be. I learned to share my emotions, to communicate with the female persuasion, but in time the thing that once was a blessing seemed to become a curse.

How quickly innocence can be taken away. It’s funny how much some people change going through military training, and how some never let go of their old selves. During my training I dove into it. Mind body and soul I gave my all to learning all I could. I kept my innocence, I kept my core, I remained me. Through graduation I became more then I was. I was a soldier and I was proud of it. I left for a country foreign to me, to be the best soldier I could be. I grew, and I absorbed what I could. In my walk I kept a hole of my faith. Then the night we got the news, Lt. Brown was KIA. The war became real, and it was hard to imagine, he was gone. The morning my truck was ambushed, a well sought plan to kill the Americans. The memories from that day have stuck with me all these many years later. The facts were the fact, and I talked about the facts about what happened, but rarely have I discussed how I felt. How does anyone feel knowing someone tried to murder them? How does anyone feel in the face of so much hatred? We were trained to always put the mission first. We were trained to act, react, plan, and execute, but never did we talk about how to handle the emotions we would feel. For a year those emotions were buried, and rarely talked about. The mission tempo kept us busy, and we fought to stay alive every day. Even when we were on the base, our guard was never down because of the constant barrage of incoming mortars and rockets. We were such a hot bed of activity the USO couldn’t come to our base because it wasn’t safe enough. I remember going to Camp Anaconda and they had a pool, and movies, and a Burger King. The Green Zone obviously, a safe enough place to be. After all these years the memories have surfaced and after the events of September of 2016, it feels like all of a sudden the flood gates opened, and I’ve been trying to manage all of these incidences, all of these traumas and while I’m trying to put labels on the emotions, I feel as if I’ve shut down and I only take out some emotions per day. Am I weak, or the product of years of neglect?

I have found in my walk in the last year with this ministry I have grown. I can see the growth within myself, and even if I was a little biased, I have heard recently how much others have seen the growth within me. The fact is, we don’t know the pain someone’s in. We don’t know how strongly something has affected them, and it’s not for us to judge that pain. Instead it’s our place to be there to help them grow in Christ, and to offer mercy and grace to console them. In all our times we must learn there is a time for everything, and importantly, there’s a time to feel. Ecclesiastes 3:4 “A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;” We don’t know how long it takes to heal. We don’t know how long it takes to feel. We don’t know what it’s like to loose, and to get back up and keep pressing on. We try to extend an olive branch by sharing our own experiences, and to that I say, there’s also a time and place. We need to learn when to listen, and when to speak. We need to learn when it’s the right time and place, and we need to find what we can do to help those who are suffering. Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” I don’t want to be told it’ll get better soon. I don’t want to be told things will get better. For over a year now I’ve heard the same cliché’ answers, and the broken record plays, and I don’t want to hear it anymore. We as people think we are in control but we aren’t. God’s in control, and all we can do is react to the situations we find ourselves in. We make our choices based on the good or bad in our hearts. In my time I’ve chosen to love and have faith in God despite my calamity. I have chosen to stand firm on the Word of God and have faith that when my time for prosperity comes, I will be blessed, whether it be in this life or the next. I trust in the Lord and put my faith in Him. This day shall pass, and when the storm passes I shall rebuild.

It’s not weak to take time to weep for a life lost. It’s not weak to struggle with the emotions from war. War changes people, and for me, I left something in the sand in that country so far away. It takes time to process, and to manage. I’m not weak because I have taken time for myself. I’m not weak for the tears I’ve shed for lost friends. I’m not weak, I’m human. My flesh is weak, but my faith is strong. I’ll never be the same as I was before all of this. I’ve seen so much, and I’ve lived through so much, all I can do now is share my experience and try to help someone else in need. I hope no one gets to the point I was. Let Jesus pick you up and give you shelter when you are in sorrow. Trust in the Lord when you’re in danger. Put all your hope in the Lord and believe that whatever hell you face here, paradise is waiting for you there. No matter if you are hurt, or angry, sad, or happy, in all things, try to uphold yourself in a dignified way pleasing to the Lord. Every one of our emotions is valid, it’s just a matter of how we manage them, how we face them. There’s a time and place, but if you have feelings you’ve not dealt with, it’s better to face them early, then wait till they have created other problems in your life. Don’t wait, act now. Face the pain, and face the day.

 

 

The Weight

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The Weight

It’s heavy, the weight we carry. The fears, doubts, regrets, the pain we’ve allowed to build year after year. The crushing weight under the cross we belong to. It’s got our name on it, and it’s our responsibility. In the years I’ve been carrying my cross I’ve watched it get bigger, and bigger through the years. Sometimes it grows slowly over time, and sometimes it seems like it doubles in size. The weight we are to carry, but never are we to carry alone. Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” While we are commanded to carry the cross. Luke 9:23 “23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” We are commanded to pick it up, and walk with Christ. We wear it like a badge of honor, but what happens when it gets to heavy? The weight we are never meant to keep. We are never meant to hold everything in and let it bury us. Sin adds up and if we let it, we get buried in our own suffering, an endless circle with no way out. That’s the lie the Devil would have you believe. That your sin is your death, the debt that you must carry for all of time. We are to carry it like an old friend, a friend that stays with us like our own shadow. The shadow in our mind that grows, storing the silence that echo’s in the walls of our brains. The journey however is not cold and dark as we are led to believe. The weight is not ours alone. The Devil wants us to think we have to be silent in our struggle. The Devil wants us to think we are weak if we cannot carry our cross alone. The Devil wants us to be alone, cut off from the light.

I have failed in my walk with the Lord more then once. I let the darkness build inside me. I held it like an old teddy bear. I kept it close but hid it away during the day. In the darkness of the night I would take it out and embrace it for a moment. My own self-inflicted punishment. I was weak and I knew I was. I kept it in because I was ashamed of my feelings. I was ashamed of the horrors I re-watched every night when I closed my eyes. I fell for the lie and I allowed the weight to break me down so far I was vulnerable when something big came along. I reached out and found myself rejected by those who were supposed to help. When I reached out my hand was slapped away, and I recoiled even farther into myself. I heard the whispers and they grew louder, till all I could hear was how weak I was. How I should feel low, and useless. I believed the lies of not being loved. I lost my fight against the weight I was carrying, and laying on the ground, crushed by it, I watched as everything I worked for in my life was ripped violently away from me. In my darkest, deepest hour of sorrow, the truth rose up and brighter then the sun, the Devil, the lies, the evil that surrounded me was forced to retreat back to the shadows. The hand of Jesus picked me up and hugged me close. The truth was made clear, and a revelation of what it means to be washed in the light of the Lord was unmistakable. Silence was a cancer that grew, but the light of the universe, our Lord and savior is the answer to the disease. And the people tied him to a tree, and murdered him. His blood was spilt, and we laughed and cast lots. We were given a choice, a criminal, or Jesus. In our ignorance, our hatred, our anger, we poured our sin into an innocent man. A man who would spread his arm to those who caused him to suffer a death worse then any could imagine. He spread his arms not in returned hate, but in forgiveness and love. He was not silent in his final moments. He spread his arms, he absolved us of our sins, by asking the Father to forgive us, for we do not know what we do. Our father, a gracious, loving father split the veil, and we were not doomed to suffer the crushing weight of sin any longer.

In Numbers 11:11-15 Moses cries to the Lord about the burdens he is carrying. The people are hungry, and are calling for him to bring an end to their suffering. He feels the weight of this burden and he feels he cannot bare it alone. He cries to the heavens asking God to either answer his prayers or to end his life. In verse 16 the Lord tells him to bring forth the elders that they may help him bare the burdens of the flock. I say to you, when you find yourself in need, turn to the Lord and he will answer your prayers and give you someone to lean on. Jesus would fall, weak, and carrying his cross he would fall. Matthew 27:32 “As they went out, they found a man of Cyrene, Simon by name. They compelled this man to carry his cross.” There’s no shame asking for help. There’s no shame admitting the day’s been a little to strong, the weight to heavy, the problems too big. I say we must find the strength inside to put down our pride, and go to the Lord in prayer. The Lord will give you someone to help you carry your burden.

Lean On Me By, Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

 Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

 Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show

 You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

 Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

 You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load

 

I know it seems like you might be alone in your life, but that’s not true. That’s the lie, and the Devil won’t stop telling it to you. Don’t listen to the darkness. When the darkness knocks at your door, turn away back to the light. Lift your head, your arms, and welcome the light into your heart. Let the Holy Spirit wash over you, removing the past sins. Don’t allow the silence to grow like a cancer inside you. Silence kills, it takes so many lives each and every day. The darkness will always creep just outside the walls, but when we keep the light of Jesus burning in our hearts and minds, the darkness cannot remain in the presence of light. Sing praises to the Lord of all and the praises of joy, of love will cancel out the silence and the whispers of the Devil will fall short to the music of Love. Hope, love, and praise will win over silence, pain, and despair. Fear, doubt, disbelief, let it all go. It’s time to drop your sins at the foot of the cross and lighten your load. Place your hope in Jesus and thank God yesterday’s gone. All your sins are forgiven, so carry them no more.

Who we are in Christ

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Who we are in Christ

In the walk with Christ we Christians come in all shapes and sizes. We come in all different walks of life. Some are rich, and some pour, some are big and some are small. Some Christians grow in their faith and suffer through their trials and move forward. While some other Christians live through hell on earth and face the demons more often then others. We don’t always know why some have a harder time then others, but perhaps one day when we get to Heaven we can ask the Lord Almighty. I have spent a lot of time reflecting lately over my life. I’ve spent a great deal of time looking back on my mistakes, my trials, my traumas, and facing my pain head on. In the time I’ve been doing that I’ve gotten to know some new people who’s had life so easy it has led me to question my own Godly purpose. God trains his soldiers, and often times God’s chosen people to fight for Him are those with battle scars. Those people in scripture to lead the chosen people were people who by a carefully crafted plan came to the place where God needed them to be. We see this in Moses, Joseph, Esther, Paul, and so many others. Unlikely men and women who were used to shape the Bible we have. Who are we to God? We are God’s creation, God’s children. We live our life for a single purpose to live in Christ, to Love our God and to submit to his phenomenal cosmic power.

As I have spent so much time pondering my past, I have come to realize the fire is hotter for some because the mission, the calling they are on by God is a harder more daunting path. Everyone has their part to play, but as I have slowly come to realize, my crucible has burned away so much of what I wasn’t to reveal the true power inside. It’s not a matter of how much I’ve fallen, it’s more important that I’ve continued to grow, I’ve continued to move forward no matter the hell fire the Devil has thrown at me. The fire I’ve gone through has left me burnt, battered, bruised, and in some ways broken, but I know that God uses broken things. This body will be reborn one day, as my spirit continues to fight and face the earthly torments. Some days I fall to my knees and pray, I cry, and I beg God to heal me. I beg to be delivered from the evil that surrounds me, and I know that he hears me, even if my prayers aren’t answered right away. I have begged God’s mercy to wash away my sins. I have prayed that God forgive me my faults, my wrong doing, and have mercy on me, and clean my slate. I beg to be remade in the waters of life, and become more then I am.

It doesn’t matter who we are if we are a follower of Christ we are part of one body. From the day you give up yourself, and watch your old self die, you become a new person. You reject the life of old, and embrace the life of new. I think back at my life, and I see, it feels like the man I was is so far away from me. Over these years I know I’ve lost bits and pieces of myself, and now I look back and wonder if those pieces can ever be recovered, or if I need to embrace today, and trust in the Lord. Even with my trust in the Lord I ask who I am. My soul is tormented and I feel like Heaven’s so far away from me. The mirror is broken, and the reflection is me from different times. When you look in the mirror who do you see? Are you a musician, a pastor, a preacher, a child of the King? What does your walk through life look like compared to my own? What torments do you have in your closet? What does your past give you to offer God? If you’ve been beaten and abused can you use that to spread the gospel? If you’ve been rapped can you use that to preach the word of God? In every one of my trials somewhere in that trial I found God was the reason I was able to either make it through, or God pulled be through. I know that nothing in my life has happened of my own power, but the power of God in me.

It doesn’t matter what our walk through life looks like. It doesn’t matter what job we have, or what we may have done yesterday. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. We’ve all walked a sinful path, and we all have regrets. The Devils been at this game for a long time and we are behind the curve trying to play by rules that we haven’t learned yet.

No matter where you’ve been or what you’ve done you have the chance to turn your life around and follow Christ. Wherever you have been we must remember that we can’t judge any by the path they’ve walked because we just don’t know. We must not judge a book by the color of someone’s skin. The walk they walk, or the way they talk must not be what we see, instead look deeper to the heart. We need to find a way to see through the eyes of God. The world can be a cruel place, but if we stop turning on one another, stop judging one another for our differences, we may actually come together as the church. Find the love within and stop holding grudges over every small thing someone says. Don’t be so quick to get offended. Don’t be so quick to pass judgment. Don’t be so quick to rebuke someone because their opinion may differ from your own. We are all God’s children and wherever you are in your walk, we must show the example of what it means to be Christ like. The sad fact is there is a lot of Christians out there not living in the word of God. There’s a lot of people who claim to be a follow of Christ, but only in name, not in actions or works. I walk this path, and I have suffered loss, and it tears me up inside. I feel sometimes like I’m alone, lost in the desert. Nothing in sight from horizon to horizon, and I quench for water, but none to be had. I feel as if I’m chapped by the sun, cracked and broken as I stumble through the blazing hot sand. I’ve been broken more then my share, yet I’ve been picked up and I’ve shown the way the light, God. Every day I wake up I can thank God for my yesterday and that it’s behind me. I praise God for the breath in my lungs. I thank God for my roof, for my many blessings, and as I continue to move forward I thank God for my forgiven sins, my answered prayers, and even the unanswered ones. Live for God, live for now, live for the time we have. Encourage others and take the time to move outside your comfort zone. Just because someone looks, or sounds different doesn’t mean they aren’t a Child of God. We’re alive an we are only alive because Jesus rose and saved us from our Sins. He didn’t just save the rich, or the poor. He didn’t just save the educated, or the high school drop out. He died and rose for everyone, the criminal and the saint. Who are we to judge someone in any walk of life? Put down your bigotry, put down your racism, put down your misconceptions, and learn how to love. We are who we are, and when we walk in Christ we are to live in peace. We pray for the sinner, we love the saint, and we love the sinner no matter the faults they may have.

We all get lost, but we can all be found. Open your eyes and open your heart. We all hurt at some point, but we must learn not to stay in our pain forever. Don’t loose hope and when you’re in the middle of the storm remember who’s still in control? The water that quenches the thirst, and the love that beats out any hate. The blood that gives life and beats death runs for all who accept. Christ’s blood extended the bridge for us, and in the fight for our selves, we must remember no one can steal your salvation. The judgment from others can hurt our feelings, it can sting and cut deep, but the opinion that matters most above all else is that of God. If you are living to please God then the rest doesn’t matter. Please the Lord your blessings will be greater then your imagination can offer.

The Wound that Doesn’t Heal

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The Wound that Doesn’t Heal

 

A long time ago the words couldn’t describe the storm inside. The memory etched into my mind, and in an instant the world as I knew it was tossed aside, and I left something of myself out on that battlefield. The piece I lost was taken from me, and even though I’ve tried, I know I won’t ever get it back. The face of evil was on that road, that dirt road where blood was spilt, and eyes were closed for the last time. The wound that never really heals, stays fresh, and I feel like some days I am lost in the movie that’s stuck on repeat.

I sit and I cry, the memory of that day rings in my mind. I’m afraid to close my eyes because I see it plain as day. The sulfur lingers in the air, and the dust settles revealing the nightmare we all dreamt about but never admitted. The anger built up inside me, and yet on the outside I was always calm and numb. The storm inside waged and with no words, no action, the struggle lingered on, rearing it’s head every year. The doubts I had, I questioned myself, I even hated myself for not doing more. It feels like I might explode with my anger, and yet I take the pain and I tuck it away.

The darkness that covered over me stayed for so long. In time a light arose and pushed the darkness away. I felt like I couldn’t deal with the pain. Some days I feel the cold darkness rising again. I think about going, and visiting, leaving flowers, but I’m afraid to go. I can’t bring myself to look down at the marble that now marks where you lay. I feel the anger, and I can’t face the pain inside. The world isn’t fair, and I hate it some days. I run away and I hide because I can’t face your name. The names etched into my mind, I can’t scrub them away. The bracelet I wear marks the day, and the ink on my arm shows the world, but only just a glimpse.

I fall to my knees and I pray. My failure that day, a premonition that rang true and the future was set. I search for meaning, I search for truth that seems so unfair, and it feels like I’m so far away from the me I once knew. How many son’s and daughters are gone, and lost, and how many tears have fallen down faces all around the world? We can’t turn back the clock, the blood spilt is gone forever. I wander the darkness unable to see, the light is far from me. The darkness inside takes hold, and in an instant I’m not me. How did the world turn out this way? Where was I on that day?

The darkest hour and the fall from so high feels like an eternity as it’s replayed in my mind. A blood spilt hallway, the torture in the hallways, the casket filled with a young man a best friend. Four draped flags, and then the loss of a love. The nightmare long past, a healing heart, then stabbed again. A heart ripped out and it feels like I was far from grace. The wounds from years past filled my mind, and flooded my chest with doubt, fear, and so much pain I couldn’t stand.

My God my God, I fall from grace and I pray you save me. I was lost and I hurt so much, it feels like you’re so far away. The world won, and I lost my way. I was weak and I cried out in pain, I paid blood for blood. I paid for my sins, and I don’t know what else to say. I reached for the black metal instead of your name. The cold steel in my hand won the day, and the pain inside realized in the most unimaginable way. I fell from grace, and I couldn’t stay. I felt so cold and lost that day. My God my God, I need you now, I need you today. My God my God, I don’t know what more to say, the memory inside just won’t go away. I know you’re good, and I know you’re here, but in the raging storm I can’t seem to face the day. How do I move on, and how do I stand here on faith knowing where I’ve been? How can I be trusted when I feel so much fear, and doubt? I have no doubt of who you are, I doubt myself. I can’t bring back what was taken from me, but I know that tomorrow I will wake and I have a new canvas to paint my picture. I can’t unmake my mistake, I can’t undo my pain, but I can learn how to use it. It doesn’t matter how far I’ve fallen, because your love and mercy tells me I’m not a lost cause. Your grace washes away my past and you make me a new creation. As I know who I am it feels sometimes I’m tethered to those failures of yesterday. Jeremiah 8:4 “You shall say to them, Thus says the Lord: When men fall, do they not rise again? If one turns away, does he not return?” I have fallen my Lord and I get back up. I have stumbled my Lord and yet I keep moving forward. Proverbs 24:16 “The righteous may fall seven times but still get up, but the wicked will stumble into trouble.” I keep your word in my heart, and I stand against the lies of the Devil. I find strength when I’m weak, and I find hope in my despair. Proverbs 14:32 “The wicked are crushed by disaster, but the godly have a refuge when they die.” I feel the weight of my sins, and I carry my cross but in your love and grace I’m not crushed by it. Though my sins are long I am saved by grace. Though my pain runs deep I am healed by love. 2 Corinthians 4:9 “We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed”.

I cry out to the Lord in my hour of need, I have heard your voice, and now I need to see. What is the path you have set for me? My God my Lord, I wait for the dawn. My Lord please part the clouds and bring back the sun. See me through this storm and keep me safe from harm. The pain I have is true and real. The hurt I have, like so many others, please take it and heal my heart. I’ve lost so much, and here I stand, at the foot of the cross with open arms. I trust in you, and I have faith. I’m tired and weary, but I carry on. Psalm 23 “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.[a] He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness[b] for his name’s sake.4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[c] I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows, 6 Surely[d] goodness and mercy[e] shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell[f] in the house of the Lord forever.[g]” In my days of fighting this fight I prepare my heart and soul. I trust that this time will pass from me and one day I will look back on my life and know I fought hard in this life. Like so many before me, I pray for my path to ease, the fog to lift, and the sun to shine. I pray for peace, and I long for calm. I have been a faithful soldier and when my time comes, I pray in truth, the words of Paul. 2 Timothy 4:6-8 “For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.”

I’m Afraid

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I’m Afraid

I’m afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I’m afraid of my failures, and I’m afraid of my future. I’m afraid I will not be loved again, and that I will not obtain my desires of a family. I’m afraid I will fail in my goal to finish college. I’m afraid of being alone, and never getting out on my own. The failures in my past ring loudly in my ears. My wheels spinning in the mud, unable to get traction I feel stuck. I feel as if I’ve become paralyzed by the fear in my life. I feel my failures mounting higher and higher and I feel as if I’ve lost so much and I’ve fallen so far, I often question if I can ever get back what I’ve lost. More then getting back what I lost, I question if I deserve to get back what I’ve lost.

Fear is a normal, it often protects us from harm, but fear can also be used as a weapon. I don’t feel like I am good enough most days. I am trapped in my memories of what I’ve lost. I’m trapped and I know fear is holding me back robbing me of my tomorrow. Tomorrow seams so far and in my mind it’s a monster, filled with rows of teeth, claws and a bark that shakes my very core. Can I go through that kind of pain again? Can I open myself up and take a chance like that again? With the fear flooding my emotions, I feel paralyzed most days. I want to stay in the house, I want to run and hide away from the world ashamed of my very public failure. How can anyone ever love me after the last two years? The truth will set you free, if you only choose to believe in it. The world is a cruel and sometimes unforgiving place. The whole of our society is determined to beat you to the ground. Fear as I mentioned can be a good thing, but when you’re afraid like that, it’s the Devil trying to keep you down. When you feel the fear building, Psalms 34:4 “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” Fear is a weapon of the Devil to keep you subdued, to keep you from the grace of the father. Proverbs 29:25 “The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe.”

Though I am afraid I must not let fear control me. I must continue to fight the Devil and not fall to his flaming arrows. I must fight back and harden my mind against his attacks. The fear I have stays with me, but I fight the good fight every day. Psalm 23 “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

Fear has often been a challenge for me. Ever since I was young I always felt as if I wasn’t good enough. That my physical looks weren’t good enough for people. The bullying I faced as a child was ruthless and left me damaged. The losses as an adult amplified those feelings of inadequacy and I have been an easy target for the Devil. My faith has kept strong, and as I continue to move forward, I often hear the whispers from the darkness calling my name. I was shattered, a thousand pieces, broken down and bleeding on the floor. I’ve been gluing the pieces back together, but the heart still hurts.

When I close my eyes I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I find myself thinking of the songs that have touched my heart. The healing power of music, it fills my heart and reminds me of the Lord and savior who’s always with me. I pray to God to take away my pain, who gives me my joy, and protects me when I cry. The storm comes to everyone, no matter who you are. All we can do is trust in the Lord to see us through. We are held by a Savior, and we have to have faith in our foundation that can’t be shaken. We can all thank God that our yesterday’s gone, and looking forward to tomorrow, we don’t have to go backwards. Praise God in the storm, and know that wherever you were yesterday, tomorrow is a choice. When we are broken down, when we are shattered on the floor, let the healing hand of God put us back together. Put your prayers to work, and put your boots on the floor and start walking. We’ve been washed by the blood and we are made new, we can stand up and watch the fear be washed away. 2 Corinthians 7:1 “Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God.” If we try to walk this world alone, and we find our self tired of being solo, it’s time to put our faith in God and trust that God’s in control not the Devil. If we remember who’s on the throne and remember that nothing that happens to us in this world can take our salvation from us the rest is just fluff.

Our own fears although they may be very real, are something for us to control and concur. Fear as I said can be a great tool to warn us of danger, to keep us pushing forward when we need to. We can’t allow fear to run our life. We must stand tall on God’s word and fight the fear that floods our hearts. While I fight my own fear, and my own negative judgments of myself, I know the journey isn’t one to be finished overnight. I know that the road is long, and it’s hard. Colossians 1:11-12 “11 being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, 12 and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.” In the darkest of nights, the fiercest of storms, when it seems like you’ll never see the dawn of another day, just when you think you can’t take another step, the Lord will pick you up and keep you safe. Trust in the Lord and remember, you’re child of the one true King. You’re special in the eyes of the one who created you, and you will inherit the kingdom of Heaven. We have already defeated death, all we have to do is live.

 

 

 

 

 

Our Time

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Our Time

When the morning sun rises over the horizon and you see the first rays of light, you don’t often question if it’ll be your last. We live by the minutes we have, but we rarely put thought into the actual thought of living. When you look at the sunrise and think how beautiful it is, or how you see the person you love, we don’t wonder if it’s the last time. There was a day so many years ago now, which brought all these questions to mind. As time has moved passed I often forget how quickly that life can be. In just a fleeting moment the world as we know it can be rocked by change, and how we are forever changed. As we wake this morning and we go about our day, for me today is a reminder to be vigilant in my thoughts. We suffer so much pain, and we suffer so much loss, but when we forget to live, that’s the true tragedy. How do we honor the dead? We honor the dead by fighting. We honor the dead by living, and to do so with thought. We cannot just wake up every day and exist, that we must truly live our lives. The day will come when we are called home, but if that day is not today, we must live life with zest. We must open our eyes every morning, and be grateful to the one who gives life. We live this life and this is our time, but it’ll never come again.

When the days are numbered, how can we say we lived our life? Will we count our days by missed opportunities? Will we count them by the number of lives we touched? Will we count them by the number of lives we destroyed? No matter the form of measurement in your life, be sure to live your life for the moment. Be sure that in that moment, the fleeting moments we are here, make a difference. Live a life that is full of love and a life that is pleasing to God. Be a beacon of hope in a world full of darkness. Live your life in the light so others can see. We only get one shot at life, and we never know when the day our ticket gets punched, so live every day with the heart for God. Live every day loving your friends, loving your family. Live every day with the thought, tomorrow may not come. Don’t live out your days thinking ‘I thought I’d have more time.’ Today is the day you have, and tomorrow isn’t promised.

John 10:7-15 “7 So Jesus again said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. 8 All who came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. 9 I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. 11 I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12 He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. 13 He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. 14 I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.”

We are the lost sheep living this life, and a shepherd came to give us hope. In that hope we now live, no longer in the darkness, but the light of the world. Although we live dust to dust, we are more then the sum of our flesh. We have the living waters that flow over our hearts when we open them to the Lord. Genesis 3:19 “By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” No longer are we here to live and die, but instead we are here to live and live. We live this life so one day we can live in eternal life. Ecclesiastes 3:20-21 “All go to one place. All are from the dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows whether the spirit of man goes upward and the spirit of the beast goes down into the earth?” We are given the choice of how we want to live, and in that choice so shall we be judged.

Today as I remember the dead, I recall the valley, which I gazed upon. I saw the face of evil and I will forever remember the horror, which lives in the hearts of man. The ability to take life, to extinguish a child of God, with no remorse or conscious, is truly a terrifying place. To witness such evils, reminds us that though Christ died to break the bonds of death, we still fight for the souls of the living. Not all who live shall live, and all the while not all that die shall die. If you are to live, live for love, live for Christ, and in Christ love all. Love all who live and pray for those whom you love, but in turn, pray for those whom wish to do hate. As it is said, love the sinner, and hate the sin. Today which is a day to remember, I pray for the souls of those who sought to do harm, and I pray with forgiveness in my heart, yet a prayer of God’s righteous vengeance. For it is not my place to judge the living, nor is it my place to judge the dead, but to love and pray for both. Romans 12:19 “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” I place my belief upon the Lord, and I pray for those who have trespassed against me, and I pray for my own heart that it be healed in my time of pain. I pray that I shall find peace in the knowledge that vengeance is not of my own hand, but in the hand of the Lord. I pray that we in this life find justice, not vengeance. Deuteronomy 32:35 “To me belongeth vengeance, and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste.” Justice is restoring balance, and I trust in the Lord, which holds eternal balance in his righteous hands.

 

The Journey

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The Journey

My foot steps onto the path, it’s rocky, and it’s full of leaves and roots. The path is lit, dimly at first, a light in the dark, but far away. I cannot take steps without stumbling. I fall and skin my knees. My hands land on the stone and thorns. I get up and continue walking along the winding path. The fog is thick and though I can see the light, it’s far from me.

As time goes on I begin to find my legs, I begin to see more clearly through the dense wood. The fog lifts slightly and the light begins to shine down more brightly then before. As the time passes the journey becomes easier, the light shines more brightly and no longer wandering in the darkness. The path no longer dark, but the obstacles are larger, more dangerous. The pitfalls come when you feel tired, when you feel weak, the traps set to ensnare you, and make you fail.

The Journey is a long and treacherous road. The path in your early walk with the Lord is dark and can be difficult to walk. The path at first is hard to see and it’s a scary place full of darkness with the imagination running wild on the path. The Devil lurking behind every tree, behind every stone, and never knowing what to expect. As you grow in your faith the path is lit more brightly. The road seems less scary, but the danger actually grows with your faith. See, the thing is, when you are one with the Lord, when you are walking in Christ you’re more of a threat to the Satan’s plans, so he sends the big stuff after you. The Devil wants you to fail, so when you’re doing things the right way, when you’re living after Christ, he tries to knock you down. He’s the thief in the dark. He’s the sickness in your heart. He’s the cruel thing people say. He’s the wife that walks away. The Devil doesn’t want you to stand for God. The Devil wants you to turn on God, turn your back and walk away. When you’re doing things right you must expect the traps to be set, the storm will come while you’re on the path. When the storm comes find your light in the word of God. Find the words and keep them in your heart. Psalm 119:105 “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” The darkness cannot remain in the presence of the light. The darkness will flee and cannot survive the radiance of the Lord. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17 that the man of God[a] may be complete, equipped for every good work.” If we take the word of God and we inscribe it to our hearts we will be ready for the day the Devil attacks. We walk in the Lord on the path, and we prepare every day, Joshua 1:8 “This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.” The scripture given to us by God is the light on the dark path. The lantern to shine the way, and the map so keep us traveling north, the word of God is our gift from the Heavens. We should entrust it into our hearts and keep the armor of God always. Joshua 1:5 “No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you.”

 We walk in the forest no longer blind, but we can see the world around us. We do not have to be afraid when we travel in the woods, but only prepared. We know the Devil is lurking, and the wolves stalk us ready for us to stumble and fall. Be ready for the day when your attack comes. The more you preach and teach the more the Devil strikes. The day will come when you feel you cannot carry your bag any longer but have faith that in the Lord you will find your strength. In the Lord you will have others to help carry your burdens. When you are weak the Lord will quench your thirst. When you’re tired the Lord will give you rest. When you’re lost the Lord will shine the way. When you’re scared the Lord will give you courage. When you’re sad the Lord will give you His lap and cover you in the wings of the Angels. God will always be exactly what we need, but remember God is Lord over all. God is our Father, and always a Father first. He will scold us when we are wrong, and correct us in our wayward ways. The Father gives us our sight, and shows us the light.

 

 

 

The Cake Is a Lie

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The Cake Is a Lie

Don’t be fooled by the joys of sin, so many things are promised by the Devil in his attempt to draw us away from the light of God. I remember playing a game when I was younger, a game called Portal. In the game you are a lab rat being forced to run a maze, and in the end you’re promised a cake. But when you reach the end you’re told the cake was a lie. There was no great prize waiting for you, just nothing. If you live your life in sin, and you continue along that path, you will also find the promises made by the devil will also be just as empty, just as unfulfilling as not getting your slice of cake. While the promises sound good, they are empty and we don’t want to fall for those kinds of promises. The Devil is master of deception, and although it may feel good in the moment, it’s certainly not worth the potential outcomes. Now, the promises made by God are something you can take to the bank. Those promises are true, and full of hope.

What are you willing to do to follow your sinful desires? Are you willing to hurt people, destroy lives, step on everyone you meet just to follow what you want? Are you chasing the feel good drug? Have you ever thought that sin is like a drug? When we chase the sins that make us feel good, or forget about our walk with Christ, we often loose sight of what’s truly important. I’ve seen loved ones fall to sin, and throw away everything for the feel good drug. Following the high of something new, something exciting, all because things didn’t go the way they thought it would. What is it you desire most? Are you considering the cost to take what you want? Are you doing what you do to glorify God? When you follow the wrong path, the path that travels separate from the Holy Spirit, the joys you have in your life aren’t real. When you follow the path of darkness you have to understand that the things you have, the things you’ve taken may not last forever. Are you willing to gamble away your eternal cake for the feel good high right now? I’m reminded of a song,

He Knows My Name By,Francesca Battistelli

Spent today in a conversation
In the mirror face to face with
Somebody less than perfect
I wouldn’t choose me first if
I was looking for a champion
In fact I’d understand if
You picked everyone before me
But that’s just not my story
True to who You are
You saw my heart
And made
Something out of nothing
I don’t need my name in lights
I’m famous in my Father’s eyes
Make no mistake
He knows my name
I’m not living for applause
I’m already so adored
It’s all His stage
He knows my name oh, oh,
 

Would you rather have the cake right now, or would you rather have the eternal cake? I have to believe that the promises of salvation are better then anything you might receive in this life. I believe that if we truly want great things we must follow salvation. While there’s something to be said about fame and fortune, the ones who are the happiest with it, are the ones who got there by God’s grace and blessings. The ones who keep their fame and fortunes are often the ones who live a Godly life. The ones who squander God’s gifts often find themselves miserable in their fame, and sadly they often loose their gifts. If God can’t trust us with the little gifts how can we expect God to entrust us with more? In our life we must be able to investigate our good fortunes. While the cake may seem real and enticing, we must determine the source of the gifts. The Devil will try a number of ways to draw us away from God, and false promises, false gifts is one way he will try to trick us into following the dark path.

If we trust in the Lord and we truly give the Glory where Glory is due, then we show God we can handle what we have. God knows what’s best for us, and if we aren’t given something, or something is taken away, there’s a good reason for it. We must learn to rely on our faith that good or bad, there’s a reason and we must accept our circumstance and in all we do, keep our focus on the Lord. We don’t need fame and glory in this world, but if it comes, we know where it came from. We don’t need riches and things because true wealth comes in the gift of Heaven. We will always be provided for when we follow Christ. We may not have an abundance of the things we desire, but we will always have the basic needs. So, when the cake is dangled in front of your face, be careful how you follow it. It could very well be a lie, so don’t believe that every thing in front of you is a blessing. The cake is a lie.

The Sinner’s Hatred

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The Sinner’s Hatred

Sinners have a tendency to hate those they’ve sinned against. Anger or convicted, but you decide which one is it? If you’ve ever been wronged and you’ve tried to share your feelings with the person who wronged you, have you ever been made to feel somehow it was your fault? We often see this as someone makes a large mistake. In my own life I’ve seen how someone can have an affair one of the most awful things you can do to your spouse, and instead of feelings remorse, the person was filed with hate, and cruelty. How quickly the love shared between two people can vanish in an instant. 2 Samuel 13:17-19 “17 Then he called his personal servant and said, “Get rid of her. Put her out, and bolt the door behind her.” 18 (She was wearing a long-sleeved gown. The king’s virgin daughters wore this kind of robe.) So his servant took her out and bolted the door behind her.” Instead of facing the sin Amnon who had lust for his half sister hated her for his sin. Insult to injury as it were.

People don’t want to be wrong, and they certainly don’t like taking the blame for things they’ve done wrong. As the old saying goes it’s easier to hate then it is to love. When we place our desires in the hands of sinful natures the desires become infected and they change. I’ve seen good people, loving people change their personalities overnight. I’ve seen people walk away from the path and the compass that once pointed north, spun out of control and the darkness spread and took over blinding them of the good natured person they once were. People who fall to sin hide from the truth. The sin inside builds and eventually builds upon itself. If it’s not taken care of it spreads in the body, and eventually affects everything we do.

When someone you love attacks you in their own sin, all we can do is remember that sin is like an illness. We must return hatred with love. We must learn to stay calm and learn when to walk away to save face. Sometimes all we can do is pray for our loved one. Pray they find their way back and allow God back into their heart. We need to remember that most disappointment is because we expect too much of people and to little of God. Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Now it won’t always be that easy. Most people will probably fight you when you point out their sins. If someone fails to listen to you, perhaps you may have better luck with strength in numbers. Matthew 18:16 “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.”

Knowing and understanding why someone is so mean and cruel sometimes, especially when it’s from someone you care for, doesn’t change how much it hurts. Knowing that hurting people hurt others isn’t going to alter our perception of their actions. I have watched my loved ones turn on me and say and do things I never thought possible. While they have shown the struggle within, ultimately I saw them loose the fight of sin, and succumbed to the darkness. We cannot watch the people we care about succumb to the darkness inside, and succumb ourselves. We must learn to step back and pray for those around us while at the same time protecting ourselves. We cannot be baited by sin into the dark emotions. Fight the darkness by loving. Love others as God so loved you. God’s guidance is eternal, and we must stay on the path of light.