Tag: Job

Behind The Eyes

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Behind The Eyes

The eyes as they say are the windows to the soul. We tell others our favorite things are peoples eyes, the beauty in the differences, the unique, the colors, the softness, or hardness as they are shaped by the chapters we face and overcome albeit good or bad. Do we ever look deep enough to see the pain hidden deep down in someone’s soul? Do we ever learn to look beyond our own pain and suffering to see it in others? The cold suffering hidden behind the eyes, one of fear, one of hopelessness, do we see it and ignore it? Behind the eyes is the doorway to discover someone’s joy, someone’s fears, or the sorrow. I recently had someone tell me I looked so happy in a photo I took. I was surprised to say the least. I took the photo because that’s what I do, I send selfies to the people I’m talking to. It makes the conversation a little less faceless. In the photo however I felt horrible. I felt miserable, and I had to force the smile from the stiff upper lip I’ve been supporting for months. The pain didn’t show through, or did it, and the untrained eye didn’t see it in my eyes?

Matthew 6:22-23 “The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. 23 But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!” In my own photo I realized it was the untrained eye that didn’t see it, or didn’t want to see it. We move along in our lives and we have either gotten so good at hiding how we feel, the pain were going through, or we’ve gotten so skilled at only focusing on ourselves we just can’t get beyond our own self. God sees all the pain in the entire world. Imagine that for a moment that you can see, you can feel all the suffering of the world. If you had even a hint of empathy could you imagine your heart breaking?

We couldn’t imagine the burdens people are carrying. We can’t ever fathom the pain raging deep inside someone’s heart. The only truth is those burdens for many are nearly more then they can carry alone. When we truly learn to see those in danger should we not reach down and find the empathy that we has as a society lost, yes, yes we should. Jesus never turned someone away who was in need, no one who was suffering. He provided hope and love, and empathy for those in need. We need to learn to open our eyes and our hearts to see the world, to see that we can touch a single soul by our kindness and generosity of love.

Give Me Your Eyes, Brandon Heath

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see,
Everything that I keep missing,
Give your love for humanity.
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eyes so I can see.

Save My Life, Sidewalk Prophets

If you looked me right in the eye
Would see the pain deep inside
Would you take the time to

Tell me what I need to hear
Tell me that I’m not forgotten
Show me there’s a God
Who can be more than all I’ve ever wanted
‘Cause right now I need a little hope
I need to know that I’m not alone
Maybe God is calling you tonight
To tell me something
That might save my life

 We can never know how important we are to someone else. Every encounter even small can have a lasting impression. The song Save My Life by the Sidewalk Prophets touches on this. Would we take just a little longer to talk to someone at the store, or at our job, or even in our own church? If you knew that those fleeting moments could be the difference between life and death for someone, would that change your perspective? Just about everyone I think would say they would spend a little more time if they, or had they known. I’m a firm believer that suicide just doesn’t happen in a split second. The person in pain has been in pain for a while and perhaps had very few people to lean on or trust with their pain. Look deep inside someone and embrace every chance we get with people. You never know, you might just save a life and not even know it.

We all need Christ in our lives. We unfortunately don’t have Christ physically with us, but if we need hope, if we need the love we have something powerful, we have the Holy Spirit. Christ told the disciples to go forth and baptize all the nations. If we are walking in the shadow of Christ we have the power to make that change. We can save a life by just showing a little love. We can save a life by just extending a hand in friendship. If we spread the love of Christ to the world we can touch millions. If Christians actually wept for those in need, if Christians actually saw and felt for those in pain and tried to help heal the pain as Christ had, how many lives could we affect change to, the implications would be more then any of us could fathom. “I want a second glace, so give me a second chance, to see the way you see the people all alone.” We only get one chance sometimes to make a difference. If we look at every opportunity as a chance to change the world we can because we have the Holy Spirit with us. The world is in such chaos and turmoil we can bring a little hope back to it. God has blessed us with boundless love and hope. Why we don’t spread that love to others is beyond me. Is it uncomfortable sure, but Jesus was well versed in making people uncomfortable. Jesus led his people his friends, his disciples into Samaria and then once there sent them out on their own. God uses the weak and the broken as his warriors. They say that when you are hurting you can heal if you pour yourself into helping others who are hurting just like you. Everyone’s a sinner just like you and me, everyone’s going through something and God put you in their life for a reason. If we consider every life we encounter isn’t an accident, but by design, how we act towards them could be life altering. Open your heart to see the good you can do.

Lord give me the sight to see the pain behind others eyes.

Lord give me the strength to get beyond my own pain.

Lord give me what I need to touch the lives of those around me.

Lord give me the courage to step out of the boat and out of my comfort zone.

Lord give me the eyes to see. Give me the love you’ve held onto me.

 

Making A Plan

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Making A Plan

All my life I had a plan, I knew how the plan was going to go, I knew how my life was going to unfold, and I knew how to execute the plan. Well, a day before I graduated high school the plan fell apart. ‘The defense department regrets to inform you that you have be found ineligible for the selection into the United States Marine Corps. “ Well, there went my plan. I was so certain I would make it into the Armed Services I barely spent any time on my college testing, and I had only applied to two universities. Both of which I was accepted to, though, I hadn’t planned for how I was going to pay for college. So my plan flew off the rails before it even got going. After a year of moving around a bit, I got a job but wasn’t satisfied with life. I was terrified of college and failing so I ran away from that as fast as I could. It was just by pure coincidence (if there is such a thing) that I ran into an Air Force recruiter in the store. I had talked to him about my denial letter and re suggested I reapply. A few months later I moved back home to live with my Grandfather, and I talked to my local recruiter. Everything was looking good, the process was going along smoothly, and away to MEPS I went. Something was wrong though. I didn’t feel the choices in the Air Force fit my personality and my drive. When I got back from MEPS my recruiter wasn’t there at the recruiting station. I was really upset by that, and I stormed into the Army recruiting office and started talking to them. Within 10 minutes I was headed home with a list of Army jobs, and a slew of information. I had at least 13 jobs circled for further review within the 15-minute drive home. This looked promising I said to myself. I went to MEPS again for the final time before I would ship out, the rest of my testing was done; the job selection process came up. Cavalry Scout was the dream job. There was only 1 slot open so we had to write an essay between two of us candidates. Mine was chosen and I advanced to get a ship date, 6-month wait.

For the next 6 months I would train, and I would enjoy the time I had left with close friends. I would be headed to Fort Knox for one station unit training, and while I was there I would get my duty station. I had signed up for a 1-year hardship in Korea. I figured, if I was going to go to war at least I could have some training in the Army first. During basic I was doing well, I was getting faster, stronger, and testing well. I was moving along to graduate then all of a sudden I ended up with MERSA and I was hospitalized for 4 days. I missed out on vital training, so instead of graduating with my class, I would be recycled through to the next class to graduate. This hit me like a ton of bricks. The plan wasn’t cooperating. I would graduate 6 weeks later then planned. I went to Korea and placed in my unit up at Camp Casey. 1 year in Korea wasn’t going to be so bad. I had a plan, and if I liked it I might even stay one more year after that. Except the plan wasn’t going to cooperate again. We as a unit were being removed from Korea, sent to Iraq and our new home location would be determined while we were in theater. I choose Korea because hardship duty stations didn’t deploy to other combat zones, or they hadn’t in almost 50 years. All that time and effort I spent getting away from the war for a little while just vanished in front of me.

While in country I would get hurt (non combat related) I would loose friends (combat related) and I would endure hardships. I would get home and try my best to keep making plans. Relationships wouldn’t go to plan, I would end up having surgery on my knee, I would get married, then get out of the military ahead of schedule. I moved, and then moved to Europe as a civilian military spouse. I would loose that marriage to an affair. I met a wonderful woman, eventually would marry her and then in time watch as my life was torn apart by yet another grisly affair.

So, that’s pretty much the last 15 years. I look back and I snicker at how well my best laid plans would work. I heard a quote just a couple weeks ago “Make the plan, Execute the plan, Expect the plan to go off the rails, Throw away the plan.” (The Flash) That statement couldn’t be truer. What does God think of our plans? Well, funny you should ask, Proverbs 15:22 “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.” As we all know, even as much as we may want something, that doesn’t mean that’s what God has planned for us. Amos 3:7 “For the Lord God does nothing without revealing his secret to his servants the prophets.” Since we haven’t seen any prophets in a long time, it’s safe to say we often fly blind. Another saying to laugh about is “Tell God your plans and watch Him laugh.”

Living by following the cross, and doing our very best to listen to what God has planned for us is the closest we have to knowing plans will even partially work. When God closes a door we have a hard time understanding why, we have a hard time accepting no as an answer. For some it’s not a no, it’s just a not yet, but for others, their fate is down a different rabbit hole. We all know that the best-laid plan is to follow Christ. Read the scripture and the lessons left for us to follow and you can’t go wrong. Not all our plans are meant to work, some are because of our own doing, and some will fail because of others. The path your on doesn’t actually end, it just splits. It’s up to all of us to choose the path we feel lines closest to what God wants for us. James 4:13-17 “Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”

I’ll leave you with this story as a close. August 2012, just three months before I was scheduled to be married I was out with my girlfriend and her father. She had just got a new Smith & Wesson Bodyguard semi automatic pistol. It’s a little .380 about the size of my hand. We’d been out shooting for a little while and I opted to shoot last. I was testing out the built in laser and I went to a knee to see how accurate it was. I held the gun steady and I squeezed the trigger. It jumped like no tomorrow as I felt a huge wave of air on my face. It felt like a book had been waved in front of my face, then hit me. I went to stand up, but I couldn’t see completely. My face was red hot, and I could feel the warm hot liquid poor from my face. I could feel it on my hand when I touched my face, and it was at that moment I realized I was in need of help. I turned around and dropped to a knee. We would later find the bullet casing had exploded in the chamber. It buckled the guns plastic, and peppered my eye protection with bits of shrapnel. Sadly my glasses didn’t protect my entire face and my cheek, nose, and forehead weren’t so lucky. My vision was saved due to the glasses, but to this day a piece of shrapnel still remains in my right cheek as the surgeon was unable to remove the tiny fragment in fear of doing more harm then good. Every day we went shooting we always planned and executed safety as best we could. On this particular day it happened to be, I was doing what I was supposed to, I wore what I was supposed to, but I was still injured. Thankfully the shrapnel wasn’t lower and it didn’t go through the artery in my neck. Even the best laid, most carefully thought out plans can quickly go to all Hades. Just remember that sometimes, when our plans go off the rails THAT may be part of the bigger plan after all.

Lift up Don’t Tear Down

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Lift up Don’t Tear Down

Brothers and sisters in Christ we have a commandment we often fall short on. John 13:34-35“34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” I have been listening to a song lately I know was not meant to be a Christian song, but I hear it as such. God Gave Me You, the version I have is Dave Barnes. “God Gave me you for the ups and downs.” When I think of who that is I think of Christ. I know that Christ above all else is there for me no matter what situation I’m in, where I am, or how far off the path I’ve gotten. Something I’ve struggled with as of late is how individuals have been treating me. I have had several friends turn their backs on me, and walk away for one reason or another. I have put a lot of thought and self-reflection as to why that might be. I often think back to Job. As Job looses everything one by one he asks his good buddies to come over to his house. We all want to be around people to just lean on when things are tough. We expect our friends to help us bare our crosses, help us get through. When you’re single you expect your friends to get you out of the house. When you’re grieving for the loss of loved ones you expect your friends to be there as a shoulder to cry on. We expect people to be there for us not just because we feel it’s the right thing to do, but it’s actually what they are supposed to do. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.” Why is this so difficult for some to do?

I know a doctor trained in Dialectible Behavior Therapy, and I asked why as a people do we focus so much on the negative rather then the positive. The answer was fairly straight forward, she said, our brains have a natural response to negative because that’s what keeps us alive. The negative actions stand out because it goes against the grain. Driving along going home you pass by a dozen cars doing the right thing, but then a car cuts you off. You won’t remember the 12 cars doing the right thing, that 1 car however will be what stands out. The more I thought about what she said the more it made sense.

I have been using Facebook lately to spread the word of this blog. I post once or twice a day, and as I have felt my blog has been doing well, I’ve noticed amongst my Facebook friends it’s not really picked up. I went about 2 months without posting anything except the auto post of my blog. I had a rough day and I posted something about manners, how some people will just leave you high and dry and how rude I felt that was. My page exploded with angry posts about how people are busy, and I shouldn’t be shaming my friends, and how I should keep those types of posts to myself. I was in shock to see such feedback. I post some beautiful pieces of writing, highly uplifting, and scripturally based, and I don’t get more then maybe 1 thumb up 4-5 if I’m truly lucky. Of all things to get noticed this one factual and understandable frustration gets all the attention. I thought to myself, what about everything else I’ve done? The fact is that it matters to the people who read it, and those who don’t see only what they want to see.

Love is harder then hate. Thinking positive is harder then negative, and those who do think positive have to work harder. If it’s true that our brains are naturally wired to focus on the negative things for whatever reason, being negative is the easy way out. Learning to focus on God, and do Gods will is a difficult road. As many of my so called friends have abandoned ship, I find it interesting that they do so when I fully devote my life to Jesus. It seems my life is going through a process of cleansing, weeding out those who are of little use to my ministry. The ones left in my life will be the ones who’ve helped me bare my cross when it was too heavy to carry. We must learn to walk with patience and love for our brothers and sisters who’ve yet to realize the true power of the Holy Spirit. The Cross is heavy for us all to bare and for some the cross can be so heavy we collapse under the weight of it. We have to have more patience with our loved ones, and understand that how we treat someone when they are going through a hard time is going to be remembered. How do you want to be treated with your life is in shambles? Make the choice to lift up your neighbors and help them in their time of need. No they may not take your advice, but if you just offer an ear, just be there to let them know you care, that itself will go a long way. We aren’t always there to fix their problems, often just to be a listening post, and a shoulder. Be kind because it only takes a moment without hope to watch the candle be extinguished. Remind people by your actions that good people still exist. Remind them that love is still stronger then hate. And if you ever have a problem you just can’t carry, lean on me.

To Find Where I Belong!

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To find where I belong!

Wandering aimlessly through the voidless desert of the hustle and bustle but to you it’s full of emptiness. Where do I belong, something’s wrong with the world, or is something wrong with me? God doesn’t make mistakes so this has to be right. Me being here is by a greater design that I don’t have clearance to see the whole plan. Fear engulfed emotions run wild. Dreaming of a place where I would find a warm welcome, a place to call home. Where can I plant my flag and finally find peace and rest in life. The constant barrage of cannon fire from the Deceiver has left me cowering for cover for too long.

A day will come when I’ll be on my way. I’ll be strong and this suffering will be a faded memory, and a scar to remind me of what I’m capable of. With God I can overcome anything. The first step is looking deep inside yourself. Start any new journey with the self-check. Be the man, the woman Jesus wants you to be.

Sometimes where you are or where you thought you were supposed to be was only temporary. The way the world can change in less then a heartbeat is powerful and scary at the same time. What does it mean to have faith? To trust in something beyond our control. To trust in the plan even when we can’t see it. To step out of your comfort zone and onto the stormy waters no mater the lies being whispered to you. The voice of God, Jesus will never leave you alone in the dark. For the Glory, the journey begins.

The walking sticks to help your trek made easier, the pack you carry to prepare for life’s challenges is no different the filling that canteen with the Holy Spirit. We may not be where we belong but that doesn’t mean we aren’t headed there. As long as you keep fighting and never give up, the lessons learned along the way will be forever useful. On the dangerous journey of life pass on the struggles, pass on the hardships, be a leader and a roll model for others struggling on their road. Be a guiding light, let people see Christ in you. There may be pain but there is grace also. The darkest sky can be darker. The waters could be higher. The tests could be harder. When we quiet ourselves and take a moment to educate ourselves on what’s going on in our world we can see worse everyday. We can always look out our cloudy window and see the more disenfranchised, the homeless, the countries with less then the least have here. Those who suffer from illness and poverty and those who have tragedy and more importantly those who parish not knowing the Lord.

This may not be where I belong but I know that God is in control. I know that God is on my side. I may not belong but my battle isn’t over. I will find my way if I am calm and listen. I will not be alone and I will find a love that will love God and me. I have faith in the Lord that I will not be forsaken. I will not be forgotten in the billions on this planet.

There is none like you oh Lord. You’ve created all, you’ve saved us all. We are so imperfect and yet so loved. We turn our backs, we don’t believe, we curse you, and still we have your grace. You oh God believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. You see my importance, my worth even when others don’t. My God to you goes all the glory. I stumbled along the way but you kissed my boo boos and made it okay. You brushed me off and helped me up. Even without an earthly Father I had you, the greatest of all the Fathers anyone can hope for.

I am weak, I am a sinner and even when punished for my sins for my wrong doing I am forgiven and Loved endlessly. God’s on the move in every way, in every life even if they don’t see it. Be not afraid of what we don’t know because Gods not dead and we will live. The perfect lamb sacrificed for all of us so we may live without fear, and live to the glory of the one true King. We are free and we have a choice how to use that freedom. I have been wounded, hated, beaten and betrayed but I know the love that matters.

No I may not be home, I may be moving forward to a future unseen, a blind destiny, but I will take the leap of faith and I know God will catch me.

Hallelujah my God saves me

Hallelujah my God looks after me

Hallelujah my God never forsakes me

Hallelujah my God loves me

Hallelujah my God protects me

Hallelujah my God forgives me

Hallelujah my God died for me so I may live!

There’s no need for that

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There’s no need for that

We never know how long someone’s a major part of our lives. We never know when things will drive a wedge and crumble. Smile and say goodbye. That’s about all we can do. People come and go and we don’t know why. We don’t know the roll they will play but for every trumpet solo another ensemble will pop up and take the new lead. Have faith and pray for them. Do not be mad or dismayed. It hurts for sure, but life keeps going, and it all works out according to Gods plan.

Sometimes we can make a life changing decision without thought of the consequences. The sad truth is sometimes we can feel so lost, so distraught, so alone, even if it’s just in our own minds, for some it’s near impossible to know the road that leads up to someone who’s either attempted or succeeded in suicide. Some consider suicide a coward’s way out. While I couldn’t disagree more, I know from personal experience how traumatic the experience is for everyone involved. There is a sense of betrayal and selfish thoughts that come from the ones left behind. I myself have both lost loved ones, and have almost lost loved ones. While suicide isn’t as simple as cowardice or weak, the truth is slightly different and as there is research upon research for suicide, one common theme is seen. “In general, people do not commit suicide because they are in pain, they commit suicide because they don’t believe there is a reason to live and the world will be better off without them. “ (PsychologyToday.com) Of course it’s not always as simple as a common road map. “By dealing with deep distress and emotional pain by harming yourself with acts such as cutting, burning, sticking objects in your skin, or intentionally preventing wounds from healing, you are becoming increasingly capable of suicide.” Just because there is not or has not been past evidence of harm, doesn’t mean that enough buried pain, enough buried guilt, and sorrow, can’t be enough to have someone take their own life, or inflict extreme harm upon one’s self.

Most people have a fight or flight response, a natural inclination for self-preservation. If life offers so much pain, so much suffering, so much despair to override a basic biological urge to preserve ones self from harm or death, why then is it so hard for people to realize the courage it takes, the passion it takes to do such things to ones self. No, when someone is feeling that much despair the thoughts of loved ones, consider how they would feel if you were gone, is not usually a thought, thought of. Quite honestly often times when someone kills himself or herself they believe they are doing the world a favor. Sometimes the act is brought on so quickly no warning signs are present.

Does this mean someone’s anger gives them right to do whatever they want to the victim of self-harm? Why do people recoil instead of showering the victim in love? Why do people choose to hate or anger over love? Instead of asking ‘how could you leave me?’ ask instead ‘why did you feel so alone and hopeless?’ When someone attempts self-harm it isn’t about narcissism. Sometimes when a person has a long history of bullying, quick and sudden relationship changes, traumatic experiences, loneliness, eating disorders, existential crisis, and more, can be reasons someone who undergoes an unexpected trauma can attempt self-harm.

We should not judge to harshly about those who suffer. Instead follow the teachings of Christ, to love. People who are going through enough pain and suffering need a loving embrace more so then most. The battle does not end when the victim is released from the hospital. The battle continues and can be a long-term continuation of care. A person who looses enough self respect to loose logic, and life needs to be held and loved, not treated with anger and hatred.

There is already too much hatred in this world. People are so quick to use foul language, quick to cause pain on people around us. It is often easier to let anger and loathing dictate our emotions when some emotions are already heightened. When we are stressed and aggravated why are some so easily provoked?

Yesterday while I work, I witnessed a coworker trying to be nice, and helpful, courteous and understanding and all he got in return was distain and swear words. Sadly it came from both a mother and her teenage daughter. So many other parents noted how well my colleague handled the situation and all who witnessed told me about how well he did and had nothing but high praise. Something so simple, something so simple yet others seem to have a hard time with it, nice, kindness, these things almost seem like a distant memory.

Sadly in my own life I’ve witnessed more hatred in others then I’d care to admit for this world. Recent events in my life point me to the Book of Job. A man who looses everything in his life, his wife, children, home, wealth, his own health, all taken from him. The thing that surprised me most about it was how his friends treated him. I never put much stock in that part until it happened to me. Through the trials I’ve been through, and the unfortunate ‘drama’ as of late, I always figured I could count on my friends. As we all do, mistakes were made on my part, but I never once thought a friend would use that as the catalyst to blame me for all of my ongoing pains in my life. My unfortunate circumstance is why that friend distanced themselves from me, because they didn’t want or need it in their life. A friend who isn’t directly involved decided to be more of a conditional friend to me. When the times get tough, call me later. As the conversation progressed I learned the sad truth, that friend holds a lot of anger towards me because of something that happened 8 months ago. It’s a sad day when you must say goodbye, when it’s best for all parties to bid adieu.

We all make mistakes in our life and some of them are big enough to haunt us the rest of our days. Let me tell you this, if a friend can’t see the pain inside you, can’t see how much suffering you’re in, it’s because they don’t want to. If a friend can’t forgive you for a mistake, something that would have changed the course of a life, it’s a sad day. You may loose friends because of these types of days, but God will never leave or forsake you.

One Step Away by: Casting Crowns

 

What if you could go back and relive one day of your life all over again

And unmake the mistake that left you a million miles away

From the you, you once knew

Now yesterday’s shame keeps saying that you’ll never get back on track

But what if I told you

You’re one step away from surrender

One step away from coming home, coming home

One step from arms wide open

His love has never let you go

You’re not alone

You’re one step away

 

You’re never too far-gone, never alone if you just lay down the old chains and pick up the cross and follow Christ. Don’t think for one second you’re alone. No matter what there are people who can help you. There are so many crisis lines, so many organizations who want to help. If you’re low and thinking about suicide or self harm pick up the phone. If you’re battling depression or anxiety, there are those who know that pain and are always willing to share and talk.

No matter the road you may be on, there’s always hope if that road is full of unhappiness. Don’t loose hope and never quit. God is bigger and better then we could ever hope or imagine. It’s not something that is easy, but with time and practice life gets better. Be proactive and take charge. Shed a life of negativity for one of hope and love. Live by faith, and understand Gods glory.

If you are bullied, picked on, teased, insulted, remember that as much as those things hurt, there’s a way out. Jesus Christ endured all of those things, until he was murdered brutally for us. He suffered torture that could only be described as the worlds hatred and malice in one long excruciating beating that nearly left him dead. He was mocked as he struggled to carry the cross to his final resting place. He was placed on a cross were breathing would be unbearable. He was mocked and yet while this was happening he had the strength to ask God to forgive us. Forgive one another for the things we do. Love one another and don’t keep score of the bad. Just love. Don’t let anger and hatred fill your soul like a cancer. Love and believe. Look to the heavens and see the light shine through the clouds and know the clouds will be burned away and all that’s left is the sun.

 

References:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/curious/201405/why-do-people-kill-themselves-new-warning-signs

http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2014/07/23/15-common-causes-of-suicide-why-do-people-kill-themselves/

Empty shell (Behind The Mask)

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Empty shell (Behind the mask) 

I hate the way I feel, I hate the way that the world doesn’t quite seem as bright and shiny as it once used to. I hate that now I feel like something’s been taken away from me and I question if I’m ever going to get that back. I hate the way you’re happy at least on the surface. I hate what I’ve lost in myself. I hate that I’ve lost the reassurance that the world itself wasn’t such a horrible place. I hate the fact that I’m alone or at least on the surface feel alone. I hate that I feel lost. It feels like my world is crumbling around me and I hate the way I have memories for something, that I’ll never have again. I hate the feeling that I failed and I question if I’ll ever succeed again. I question how long I have to wait before my test is over. I question where I’m going to live, what I’m going do. I question the questions and if they are even appropriate to ask. What made it so bad that made it so hard to stay with me. I question what I did that was so bad that you could hurt someone to the point you’ve hurt me. I feel like you have to shell that’s been cracked and can’t be put back together again. I feel like all the joy that I had has been torn away and replaced with sadness and sorrow, shame, guilt and regret. I feel hallow like I don’t feel real. I feel like an old toy, thrown away when it’s been out grown. I feel sorrow. I feel abused.

God feels so far away. I know the teacher doesn’t interfere during the test, but I feel so abandoned. I know the faith it takes, I know the love that’s there for me, from God and from my friends but I don’t feel it right now. I poured everything I had, everything I was, but too little too late. I have been good and bad, and I know that one day this storm will pass and I will look back and know that faith got me through. Faith doesn’t mean you won’t hurt, doesn’t mean you won’t have negative feelings, it doesn’t mean you can’t and won’t be heart broken, but that when the storm comes you’re ready for it. There’s no time limit on how long you’ll be in the storm. No rules as to how much can be taken from you. No promise to an easy life. The only promise is to be loved by God, and that God will never abandon you.

John Blake: “Not a lot of people know what it feels like to be angry, in your bones. I mean, they understand, foster parents, everybody understands, for awhile. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can’t do, move on. So after awhile they stop understanding. They send the angry kid to a boys home. I figured it out too late. You gotta learn to hide the anger, practice smiling in the mirror. It’s like putting on a mask.”

2 Corinthians 4:8-11 “8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; 10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. 11 For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.”

 Everyday is a battle after heartbreak. Everyday is a baby step forward, and although there may be good days, excellent days, there can also be days where it feels you’ve been knocked back 10 steps. The healing process for me hasn’t been an easy one. The days that have ticked by seconds as minutes, minutes as hours, and what hours seemed like days, those are the days when the mind can play cruel tricks on you. The healing process of heartbreak, of loss, of betrayal can be helped or hindered by many factors. A healthy job, a healthy social life, and eventually a healthy dating life can all assist in the therapeutic repair. Sadly things don’t always go according to our own plan. We may not understand and can have a hard time accepting why so many things can hurt us when all we want to do is heal, move forward, feel better. The truth is, the world may judge you on how you handle a major tragedy in your life. Just as Blake stated sometimes you just have to put on that mask. The world isn’t whom you have to get to accept you, it’s Christ. When you know in your heart that even if you aren’t healing as fast or as well as your friends or family would like, are you doing everything you can to live your life according to scripture? As I never claim to be an expert, I don’t recall ever seeing anything that gives a timeline to grief, or sorrow. We may not always have the friends and family readily available as often as we’d like to spend time with, to go out with and socialize with, but what matters is when times are toughest know they are there for you.

I have been blessed with the best Church family anyone could ever ask or hope for. Through everything I’ve endured they have been there for me. They have held me when I’ve cried, picked me up when I was injured, helped me financially when I couldn’t work, and have provided the most moral, and Godly support any man could ever dream of having.

I have some of the best friends a man could hope for. They’ve rallied to my bedside when I was hurt, and have also helped me financially when times got tough. They are spread thin throughout the entire country, and although this means I don’t have a budding, effective social life to get me out of the house as much as I should, I know they are always there.

God will answer my prayers when the time is right. The time isn’t when I think it should be, but when it needs to be. Having faith that the faithful will be rewarded and blessed in this life according to our demeanor of deserving it. We cannot be given a gift we are not ready for. We cannot be given blessings we would most certainly abuse. We may not always know why we have unanswered prayers, but we must remain faithful that it’s just not according to the plan.

As empty as I have felt the last few weeks, I know that great things are coming even if I can not see them just yet. All my years in theater I understand what the crowd sees on stage is only a fraction of what’s going on during the play. The hard work, the majority of the work is being done off stage, what can’t be seen. We don’t know what God is doing behind the scenes, preparing for our futures, that’s the hard part about patience.

In short I leave you this final quote of my own making. “The beauty about being an empty shell is that it means it’s completely open for it to be refilled with something new.”

Don’t Get Caught in Satan’s Web

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Don’t Get Caught in Satan’s Web

 Many depictions of the Devil are that of a serpent slithering here and there to and fro. This is depicted in Genesis. He walks around the world as depicted in Job 1:7 “And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.” Satan cast out of heaven because of his jealousy of the Humans. Isaiah 14:12 “How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!” I however see Satan as more like a spider. The Devil wants us to forsake God. He wants us to give in to our earthly desires. The Devil’s jealousy of man because God loved man more then the Angels, is why He works so hard to break us.

The entire life of Job 1:6-12 was that of the Devil working to show God that man will sin against God. But that never happened. Job proved the Devil wrong. Satan has since continued to try and ensnare us in his web of deceit and lies. Satan tempts Jesus in Matthew 4:1-11. During this time Jesus resisted Satan and did it using only Scripture. Satan is like a Funnel-Web Spider. Caught in its web the spider’s bite is toxic to humans. Satan wants to catch us in that web and never let us go, eat us for dinner.

You have to be smart enough to see the web before you get caught in it. Don’t fall for the tricks of the Devil for you will forever be caught, snared in His web of lies. We must learn the weapons of warfare, 2 Corinthians 10:4 “(For the weapons of our warfare [are] not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)” Ephesians 6:12 “ For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].”

 Never in our lives will we face a greater threat then that for our soul. We must learn to protect ourselves. The enemies are trying to trick and trap us every minute of every day. We have the tools, and the weapons we need to fight back. Never be afraid of the darkness, light it up with the light of God. Psalm 23:4 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

 

GRACE

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Grace

I spent my life thinking we had a special connection. I worshiped you, and knew you were with me, but I resisted in so many ways. I kept and held onto resentments. I was so angry even though I held it all in. In my youth I felt your presence but I was an angry kid. I spent all my time going from one trauma to the next, one school day to the next, putting all the bad in a box, a box on a shelf in a closet and closing the door. I kept believing that couldn’t be what life was about. There was more to life and there was more to you oh God.

I didn’t know much about the Old Testament in those days. I didn’t know about the hardships of Job, the trials of David. I never understood the reason for trials, I never understood the paradox of the more you suffer, the more you needed to lift your heart to God. Even now into my adult life I have questioned the why, I’ve wondered the reason to take everything I held dear. That was right up till recently. 1 Peter 5:10 “But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle [you].” We will always have to suffer a little while. Perhaps the reason for it is simple. How do we face adversity? How do we react under horrible situations? James 1:12 “Blessed [is] the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.” Are we tempted not just in the ways of the world, but tempted in anger? Of course we are. Every trial is a test of our faith, our character.

Look at Judy Hopps from Zootopia. Here’s a bunny in the big world where bunnies were good for only carrot farms and making other little bunnies. One bunny chose to overcome the world, push beyond, and achieve greatness in those trials. There will be times when you want to turn back and run home. There will be times when you feel the world is too much, but that’s when we need to lift our needs, our hearts higher to the Lord. Romans 5:3 “And not only [so], but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;” For all our trials, for all our misery on this world there is hope. Romans 8:18 “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” We are never alone even if we feel like we are. We may not always have someone sitting with us, we may not feel like our friends and family are there for us, but the truth is as nice as it is to have those things, having and knowing God is with us is more important.

We cannot serve two masters. We cannot serve the world and the Lord at the same time. We must not hold onto idles, we must reach for our God, and live according to the Lord above. No matter how bad this world may treat you the end goal is far greater. Any mountain worth climbing is worth the work to get to the summit. Any goal worth having is worth working for, so work for the goal of Heaven. Believe in your God with all thine heart, and have faith that pain is temporary. Do not be angry about your trials instead embrace them. Turn them to your advantage, and you shall be rewarded with Glory. Give your whole heart to the Lord. The top of the mountain you can see for miles. We are amongst the trees, so we only see a little, God sit upon the mountaintop and can see all. One day we too may understand the why. Have faith, have love, have compassion, have empathy, and love thy neighbors to include your enemies.

From the Ashes

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From the Ashes

 Even through the most gut wrenching tragedies we can find comfort in the ashes that are left behind. If a house burns to the ground, as long as the foundation is solid you can rebuild. I’m by no means saying this is an easy or short process, but nothing in this life worth having is easy to get.

In loosing your house the things inside may not all be replaceable, but the true meaning is that which you hold in your heart. Its just stuff, and that stuff can be replaced. The important thing is you have your life. The same goes when a relationship figuratively burns to the ground. We must realize that from those ashes new beginnings, a new stronger, better relationship awaits us. As we all want comfort in this world, we all want to feel loved, the comfort of another person cannot come first. Our first relationship must be, and always be Jesus.

Jesus is the one relationship we must have. Jesus must come first and the rest will fallow. Fallow faithfully and God will not let you down. The people on Earth may, things may not always go the way you want it, but if you lift your heart, and let heaven rule over you, that foundation will not be cracked or broken in anyway.

God’s alive in our hearts, and shows us his power every day. As David wrote Psalm 23 “23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

 No matter the trials we face, or the hurt we survive, we must always rise out of the ashes from our lives stronger, more beautiful and better then before. Sometimes the best survival stories are those that the heart is all we have left. With our heart centered on God we can overcome anything. Just as Job’s life was destroyed, everything he held most dear, everything he loved was taken from him. Job 42:6 “Wherefore I abhor [myself], and repent in dust and ashes.” Within scripture there is one story after another but things working out, happening right when it’s supposed to. People are right where they need to be when they need to be there. Look in Esther, she was in the right place at the right time to save her people to help her Uncle unveil a treacherous plot.

Ephesians 2:8 “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,” In this it’s Gods time and grace that saves us. When hope is gone, when flesh has failed, when love is lost, when death is all around you, when fear fills your lungs and every breath.

As I stated earlier Psalm 23:3-4 “3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Do not be afraid of the fire. Do not be afraid of the ashes. Embrace the fire, and rise above. Climb up through the filth and survive and thrive. Make new what was once lost. Rebuild better, rebuild the way you want your life. If you are living with God by your side, being the person God wants, the future holds endless possibilities.