Tag: Job

I Forgive All

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I Forgive All

My whole life I have faced abuse. My whole life I have run from the monsters that have been my tormentors. My struggle started early in my life. I faced bullies, and teasing that turned physical, and I never knew why. The teasing started around 1994-1995 fourth or fifth grades. I found myself being teased for the clothes I wore, or the way I looked. I was teased for the way I sounded, and even the girl I had a crush on, the sheer thought that she may actually like me in return. Obviously she didn’t, and I knew that, but to those who found out, it made for a good joke. I found myself imagining I was somewhere else, or someone else. I would let my imagination run wild in pretending I was a superhero saving the world, or a half elf chasing fame in Dungeons and Dragons quests. I would find anything I could do to pretend I was anyone else. Halloween was my favorite holiday because for one night a year I could be someone else. I could be something else. I would pray to God every night to save me from my situation. I would pray every day that I would be removed from my hell on earth and I would pray at times to just die, and be rid of all the pain I was in. Every day became a struggle for me to get out of bed and move forward. I found myself afraid of going to school as the teasing had turned physical by the time I was through middle school. Year after year as my bullies got bigger I struggled to get away from the constant pushing, taking my things, or even the swirly. And still I prayed, but it wasn’t till years later my prayers would finally be answered. By the point I would leave I would have moved out from home multiple times. I would suffer further life changing trauma’s and then to pour salt in the wounds I would be teased for nearly loosing my only parent. I was surrounded by pain everywhere I looked, and still I prayed. I can remember night after night dropping to my knees and praying for relief, but night after night my prayers went unanswered.

 

I can remember the first Christian song I’d learn, it was the song that would forever change my life and it wasn’t just the song that changed my life it was whom I learned the song from. His name was John, and he loved the Lord. We met on the track team my sophomore year of high school. I hadn’t been in my new school long before we met, and we quickly became good friends. It wasn’t long before he began to open up to me about his faith. I had always been a believer of God but I had never met anyone as passionate about Jesus as he was. As the months went by he would continue to tell me about Jesus and I would listen and I was amazed how much Christ had changed his life. See, the thing is, tragedy would befall John and me, and that tragedy would shape my life. The last thing we would ever say to each other were insults out of anger. John would die just two months later after a car accident. His last gift to me was a recording of him singing I can only Imagine by: MercyME at his church. His death haunted me for years. Even after learning my words changed his heart and he reconciled with his sister before he died, I couldn’t bring myself to do the one thing I needed to, forgive myself.

 

For years I would carry the weight of guilt along with me. I carried it into basic training with me, and then onto Iraq. There guilt would pile upon me like a bag of rocks. I carried it into my marriage and as that marriage would fail, I’d carry guilt from that marriage and everything before that into my next marriage. One thing after another I would take the blame, the guilt, and I would carry it from one time to the next. Instead of taking on peoples sins, I would take their guilt. I would carry it on my shoulders, and I would find a way to take the blame for every horrible thing that happened in my life. Somehow I found it was easier to take the blame then to explain how people were so cold and cruel. I couldn’t face that people were mean or cruel unless it was my fault and I deserved it. I began to believe that the pain I endured was because I wasn’t a good person. I believed that I was a mistake, and that no one would or could ever love me. I believed that I was a mistake at birth and remained that way in life. I believed that my conception was a mistake and I believed I would have been better off had I never been born. Since I was born my place was to be everyone’s mistake to learn what not to do. I believed I was worthless and that truly, no one could ever really love me, because who could love such a mistake. I ran, and continued to run away from the monsters that chased me in my dreams.

 

After my second marriage fell into ruin I allowed the Devil to whisper in my ear and I fell further then I ever imagined. I never imagined I would one day put a gun to myself. I couldn’t explain what I felt, and I still can’t. I felt like I deserved to be punished for my failures, and I couldn’t imagine a life where I wasn’t a failure. I saw everything from past, and I saw my sin in my face. I was surrounded by the echo’s of my old life and I was surrounded by the demons, the monsters I spent so long running from. The monsters I was so afraid of caught me and I felt like I could never get away. I stood there frightened, terrified because the monsters looked just like me. I was my monster, I was the creator of my pain, and I was the failure and sin that chased me over a lifetime. I couldn’t see a way out, and knowing deep down in my heart I didn’t owe a life, but I owed a level of pain. Pain for pain so I made a deal with myself to face physical pain in the place of the emotional pain I couldn’t handle anymore. I heard the whispers in my head to do it, to grab the gun, to put it to my chest, and I heard the whispers saying I was a coward, and that I deserved her leaving me, and I deserved everything I’d gone through. I wasn’t a coward, and I did deserve to suffer for my failures. I wasn’t a coward so I took a breath and squeezed the trigger.

 

I believed the cruelest lie from the pits of Hell. I believed my sins could be paid by self-sacrifice. I believed the lie my whole life, and I was weak, weak enough to step off that cliff and take one for the team. Even though death wasn’t what I sought, death had come for me. The lie I fell for was to be at the cost of my own life. I fell down into the deepest pit of Hell and though I couldn’t see anything but the sheer darkness of my decisions, I was caught. The fall ended and I said “God I’m sorry.” I don’t need to imagine anymore because I know, I have felt the power of the Holy Spirit, and as my senses would be overloaded I would hear the words that would change my life. “You’re FORGIVEN.” I felt the jolt, the electric shock run through my whole body and I would no longer be in darkness, but in an ambulance. I begged to go back, to be with Him, but my life was spared for a reason. My life was spared with a single word, forgiven. Why is it so hard for us to forgive those who hurt us? Why is it so hard for us to understand the true meaning of love and forgiveness? Could you imagine a world where we actually loved and forgave one another? I couldn’t imagine a God that would forgive me for believing the lie, but here I am. I’m living proof of the power of God, the love of God, the forgiveness of God.

 

I don’t have to imagine anymore what forgiveness looks like. My biggest struggle after my near death experience, believing I was ever that low. I would look at myself in the mirror and not know who I was. I would see the eyes looking back to me and I saw a stranger. I was able to forgive all those who had trespassed against me, but why couldn’t I forgive myself. I loathed myself, and I hated the man I had become. The struggle I faced was understanding why save a man like me? What was God thinking sparing my life? I kept telling myself there was a mistake and someone else was supposed to get saved. The truth is, God lives in you. God lives in me, and God watches over us. The Holy Spirit washed over all of us, and it’s in our reflection we should see beyond our own eyes and see Christ looking back. Luke 23:34“Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.” We never deserved the forgiveness from Jesus for what we did to him. We never deserved forgiveness for sacrificing ones self from the Father to take upon himself the full wrath of rage against sin, but forgiveness isn’t about the trespasser, it’s about the trespassed. Forgiveness is letting go of the pain caused by others, letting go of the sorrow that lives in our hearts. Forgiveness is about balance within ones self.

 

All those years I looked to the stars and I prayed to God to save me from my pain, the answer was right there all along, yet I was too blind to see. In the room I was in, or the field, or next to the fire as I looked to the sky, I was surrounded by God’s glory and I failed to see. It isn’t about the things done to you, it’s about the things you do to yourself. I imagined a day when my pain would go away because I would find someone to live my life with. I imagined a day when my pain would go away because I wouldn’t live in poverty anymore. I imagined a life free from the losses of my past. What I couldn’t imagine was my road to recovery, my road to peace started within myself. I couldn’t take the blame anymore for things I couldn’t control. I couldn’t continue allowing myself to be responsible for the actions of others, and myself. I had to learn to forgive myself because if God could forgive me, and if God saved me, there must have been something he saw, that I couldn’t.

 

Guilt of ones own actions is a powerful thing. We can often see our own guilt turning into rage and anger towards others. Guilt can manifest itself in a vast number of ways in our life, but at the root of it, is something toxic that if left untreated it will grow and infect every aspect of your life. Year after year I allowed my fear, my anger and my guilt to grow inside me till one day it took control. I lost sight of the truth, and I lost sight of the way. I believed a lie, and I was reminded of all the times I tried and failed, and all the times I was told I’d never be good enough, I couldn’t see the voice screaming at me, was me. We cannot go through life holding onto the baggage of our mistakes. We cannot go through life holding onto our failures, and forcing others to carry our baggage by the way we treat them. The truth is, we don’t need to hold onto our fear, our sorrow, our pain in order to learn from it. We don’t need to carry it with us to remind us of the past. If God can wipe away our sins as if they never existed at all, then we must shed that dark spot on our heart, and see the beating of a heart washed by the blood shed for us. We cannot move forward in our lives if we do not allow ourselves to forgive our greatest source of pain. For everyone this looks different. Were you abused physically, emotionally, sexually? Have you lost loved ones by the hands of someone else? Have you been the cause of pain in others lives? We must learn to forgive both others and ourselves. Forgiveness isn’t always easy, but it does start with a single step. ‘I Forgive You.’ If you have to say this to yourself, or if you have to say this in your head every day directed at someone, you have to start by allowing yourself to feel it. Let the heart lighten, let the heart soften by the touch of God. Jesus is the healer of all things, and in all things Jesus is the answer.

 

The day we face Jesus and we know our King, we know the Glory that awaits us, what will your heart feel? Stand in the presence of God knowing your sins have been wipped clean, and in the glory of the Holy Spirit you are loved. We are so loved and yet we struggle expressing that love to one another. Do not let your hearts be troubled with the memories of the past. Do not allow yourself to fall to sorrow any longer. Find healing in the light of God and close your eyes and see the face of Jesus. Close your eyes, and imagine the king’s hands wiping your tears away. Allow yourself to face the pain and grieve. Imagine the love of God and the true power, the true healing power of the glory of the Lord.

 

God gave us Jesus for the days of sorrow, and the days of triumph. God gave us Jesus to save us from ourselves, and to free us from our own darkness. God gave us Jesus to guide us when we loose our way. God gave us Jesus to know as both friend and King. God gave us Jesus for a personal relationship and there are no words we could say to ever give thanks to our creator. God gave us Jesus to heal our souls, and show us how to live. God gave us Jesus to show us how to love. God gave us Jesus to cure us of our fears, and reassure us when we doubt. God gave us Jesus to show us the way.

 

When we seek, Jesus will help us find it. When we hurt Jesus will help us heal it. We must learn to trust in Jesus and lift our eyes to the King when tears fall to the ground. Ephesians 4:32“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  Forgiveness can be the hardest thing we ever do in our life. When we hurt beyond belief, when we feel like there’s nothing left we can do to deal with our pain, there’s one word that will set you free, forgiveness. Jesus shows us how to love. Jesus shows us how to forgive. Jesus tells us we have to forgive. We cannot hold onto the pain others have caused, and we must forgive beyond our own pride. We must accept we’ve made a mistake, and we must set all that hurt free. Give the pain to God and forgiveness of others and ourselves. Jesus, show me how to do the impossible and forgive. Jesus show me how to forgive myself, and learn to move forward. Learn the grace and be set free. The power of forgiveness, because the only prisoner of the pain is you. Forgiveness is releasing your pain because that pain doesn’t define you. We expect forgiveness of our sins by the Father, so shall we learn to give forgiveness because it’s rarely deserved but that’s not why we forgive. Do not be slave to the pain inside. Do not let it consume you.

 

I allowed my self-loathing control me. I allowed my doubts to grow and I lost sight of my Lord. I lost sights of the truth that is Jesus Christ. I lost sight of so much, but on this day if you’re holding onto a grudge, if you’re holding onto pain in your heart, let it go by lifting it up to the Lord. Let Jesus wash away your pain, and begin to heal your damaged heart. Allow the Lord to peer into your heart, and opening your eyes to what you may have hidden even from yourself. Those who bully others are angry with themselves. Those who belittle others have wounded souls of their own. Hurting people hurt others, and we must offer forgiveness no matter how deeply our own pain runs. My Lord is more then enough to heal and in that healing I find hope. My heart is broken, but in Jesus it’s mended. My life should have ended in a moment of doubt, in a moment of pain, and in a moment of lie I now find forgiveness was the key all along.

 

My greatest legacy isn’t one thing, no, it’s the journey of my failures, and rising like a phoenix from the ashes into a man who finally understands the true meaning of love. I have said I love others and many I still do, but I never loved myself. I was a house built on the sand and when the waves came in, it knocked my foundation back to the sea. I wasn’t strong because I never saw myself as value. I realize I have value because Christ loves me. Jesus saved me and for that I now know it was self-forgiveness that was missing all along. We will fall, and we will stumble but Jesus loves us and will pick us up, wipe away our tears, heal our hearts, and move forward. Here and now be honest and forgive someone you’ve denied. Don’t let another day go by holding onto your bumps and bruises. You will be made flawless by the cross, no matter the scars held deep inside. Bring your shame, your tired, your guilt, your failures, bring them all to the Lord let yourself be redeemed by the spirit. When you look in the mirror instead of seeing your failures, see Christ looking back at you. You will be called many things by many people, but the one that matters is the Love of Jesus which is louder then anything that can be done to you in this world. Jesus lives in your heart, and if you make room for Jesus there is no room for the pain you hold onto. Forgive others, and forgive yourself. Today before the day comes when you may not be able to. Apologize to those you’ve hurt, and pray for forgiveness, and that goes for yourself. Let Jesus heal you, and be the light taking you out of the darkness you’ve been in. Just let it go, and love.

To those who’ve wronged me, to those who’ve hurt me, and to myself who’s made a number of big mistakes, forgive today and don’t wait another day.

 

 

 

I’m Invincible

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I’m Invincible

Romans 8:31 “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

 Who am I, when someone asked me in the past I didn’t have an answer, but now I do. I’m a champion, I’m a soldier for the Lord. I’m invincible before the Lord. The Devil attacks and knocks me down, but I get back up. I have the power of the Holy Spirit in my corner and I can take whatever the Devil sends. The power of the Lord and King are on my side and with it, I’m unstoppable. The Devil will hit me but he can’t hurt me, because from this day forward I’m a fighter and I will stand my ground. My whole life I’ve been training for this moment, and in this time I will no longer take the punches, it’s about time I start to fight back. My whole life I have taken the punches and felt the pain and curled up and cried in my corner. From this time forward I will no longer feel the shame and I will wipe my eyes, and stand tall. I will be a champion for the Lord, and I will light the fires and send out the call.

We are soldiers for Christ and we are the front lines of the war against our very souls. What’s at stake is eternity. We must stand tall and fight for what we believe in, and the truth is something worth fighting for. We must buckle up as this world gets darker every day, and be ready for the fight to come. Will you feel the flame from the Holy Spirit and sit back with it, or will you stand tall and scream it from the highest mountaintops? Will you be a man of the cross and share the gospel with others or will you hide away from the world a coward? Stand tall and take the punches like a man, and be the champion.

Champion by: Carrie Underwood (feat. Ludacris)

The C is for the courage I possess through the drama
H is for the hurt but it’s all for the honor
A is for my attitude working through the patience
Money comes and goes so the M is for motivation
Gotta stay consistent, the P is to persevere
The I is for integrity, innovative career
The O is optimistic, open and never shut
And the N is necessary ’cause I’m never giving up

We are made in the fires of the Holy Spirit, forged to be strong, to withstand anything the Devil throws at us, so be the faithful soldiers of Christ and prepare your minds, your bodies, and your souls for the battles. To be a champion of Christ we must take scripture to heart, we must learn it, lean on it, allow it to fill our hearts, and when we are attacked, scripture is the only weapon we will need. Philippians 2:10-11 “10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” What more is needed in this life to live in peace? We must learn to be the ambassadors of the Lord. We must learn when to use diplomacy, and learn when to strike the Devil head on with the sword of truth. In this life we can be strong or we can be weak. We can be winners, or we can be losers. If you are to live in Christ you shouldn’t be focused on everything that goes wrong, but figure out what the attack is, and mount a counter attack. Every challenge is an opportunity to grow and learn, and teach, and preach the Gospel. The world will turn on you, and friends will abandon you, but in all things God is always with you. No matter the trials that comes this life is always going to be temporary, God is eternal. What side do you want to fight for, the winners or the ones that will forever live in torment? We faithful have already won the war, we just need to keep strong and spread the word from the front lines. This war to win the hearts and minds must continue with us. You will take every punch, every kick, every evil trick the Devil has, but you were made to win, you were made to stand tall, and you were made in the Glory of the Holy Spirit. God has created you and God doesn’t make mistakes. God has more faith in you then you’ll ever have of yourself, so stop doubting and get up and be a Champion. You can’t be beat so long as God’s on your side. Be invincible, be unshakable, be an immovable object, and laugh as the Devil tries and tries to break you, and with each stone thrown it just bounces right off you.

Do not be conformed to the lies this world will spread. Do not fall for the tricks of the Devil because for every soul brought to Christ their name echoes in the halls of Heaven. They are celebrated, as they will one day go home. The perseverance we will show will one day pay off as we walk into Heaven and we lay our gifts at the feet of our King and Savior. We were made for this, and we were born to win, so hold your head high, today and forever as a natural born winner. Fight for what you believe in, and know that to believe in Christ is to be the greatest winner on Earth. A Champion, a Soldier for Christ. With God in my corner I can’t loose, I can’t fail, and I will hold my hands high and I will forever be in the winner’s circle.

 

 

Light or Dark

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Light or Dark

The darkest night covers me and I need you

The sun fuels my heart and gives me warmth and strength. I need you then too.

Because of you I’m alive.

No matter where I am, or the season I’m in, my Lord I need you.

Who am I without you, I am no one.

The Lord of all knows my name.

 

The Lord who created in love not because of what I do, just because I am. I am a sinful man, but love saved me. Never because of what I’ve done, just because of what you are. No matter my of praise, or my day of prayer your grace comforts me. Today the flowers bloom, and tomorrow the ice shall come, but in all my day, and in all my ways I am yours. Because you are with me I shall not fear the night. The night was so dark without you, but your glory so bright the single ray of light when the sun peaks the horizon, the darkness breaks. Jesus Christ the pure light that would forever push the darkness away rose.

What do I have to offer the king of the universe, my heart, my everything, and yet I will never be worthy of the gift bestowed upon me. I can surrender all and even up to my life it would never cover the debt. But it is grace, and love my bill was covered by Christ. I was so loved before I was born that for me my sins and the sins of billions of others, a blood debt freely given, ransomed for my freedom of death. If my debt was paid when I’m knocked down, who then do I fight for? Christ got back up and his strength became my strength. I will get back up and continue to fight till my dying breath. I owe it to Christ to never give up and never surrender to the darkness.

God’s word has withstood the test of time, and even now as we can see the darkness covering the land, we will watch, as God’s will, will be done. Those who criticize the word and those who push to remove God’s presence from the public will one day stand in judgment. The light of the word may be pushed away but in time the raging tide will again be tamed by the Lord. God’s word will stand firm, and the darkness will be pushed back, snuffed out by the light. No matter how far we fall it’s never to late to change our course. We cannot stop praying, or hoping for God to save us. We cannot stop worshiping the Lord no matter if things are great, or if everything has been blown to a million pieces. Yesterday is gone and we don’t live there anymore. We must learn to say goodbye to the past, and live in today. The heart may have been broken yesterday, but every day we breath is a new day of growing, a new day of healing. We must tell ourselves every day that Jesus is still with us, and in his love we are healed. You cannot expect to have an answer for every tragedy that happens, and in our walk we must learn to focus on Jesus. This world is not the end, and one day the end will come on this life and the walls that kept us confined will be no more. This is not where we belong forever, and we can count on the promise made by Jesus to one day sit before the King and be accepted into the light. This life is but a fleeting speck of dust in the wind, and if we want to go home, know that this world will one day wash away.

Praise the Lord for success, and praise the Lord in failure. In every chance we get, both good and bad, fix your eyes on the one and only thing that will satisfy your heart and that’s Jesus. Life can be hard, and we are told to expect the trials that come, and the persecutions that come with following Christ, but “If you can take it, you can make it.” (Unbroken) I am a broken man, and I fail every day to live up to what God expects of me. I know I fail, and I know I fall, but I know that because of grace, and I know what true love means, I still stand here knowing God is with me. I know I have the power of the Holy Spirit with me and I’m called to be more. I’m called to push myself, and to stand toe to toe with the darkness. Every day I stand and pray to protect me from the attacks. Every day I praise my God for the blessings I have. I know I am protected and I know that for Jesus saves my soul every day. I know that every day I wake hope is here. Every day I see the hope all around me, and I know that it’ll be all right. I’ve experienced the darkness, and I’ve seen the light. I’ve felt the cold, but the warmth always triumphs. In every tear that falls God holds them. In every heart that breaks God feels our pain, and yet healing begins with Christ.

Light or dark, we decide where to stand. We can choose to stay in the darkness avoiding the light if we wish, but when it gets cold, or the demons come to creep, know the light will always accept you. You can choose to live in fear of the unknown, or you can choose to trust in Jesus and know that there is a brighter future waiting for you. You can choose to walk in the darkness, but no matter where you choose to walk, Jesus Christ is always there with you. If you choose to walk in the darkness, you have to expect to stub your toe on the furniture. Who then will you blame, God for not removing the obstacle, or yourself for not turning on the light? We as people will always learn more from hardships then a life of ease and calm rivers. If you are to be truly tested we must first be pushed to the limits to know what we are truly capable of. It’s in these times we need to turn to Christ more then ever, because we do not truly grow otherwise. We often pray for things we think are good for us, but we only see two feet ahead, but God sees a mile. We are but children clamoring around the house trying to place our finger in a light socket. God tries to warn us what not to do, but we are a stubborn people, and if we truly wish for a smoother ride we must learn to trust in the Lord and stop being so resistant to what we are told. God’s grace and love is unyielding, but our acceptance of it into our hearts is purely voluntary. Jesus loves you more then you know, and we should praise the Lord in all things, each and every day. Because our savior lives we must pray. We overcome by the power of His blood, and we are alive because he lives. Prayer is the absolute least we can do, and for the gift of life, shouldn’t we do at least that? We would be dead without Christ. Sin and shame would be all we are without the blood, and we’re alive because He lives. The light that would forever be the voice over the shadow, my life was and is held in His hands. So I pray to you Lord, thank you for my life, thank you for my pain, thank you for your love, and thank you for your gracious sacrifice for me. In your Holy Name, Amen.

Peace

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Peace

When I was in the middle of the worst storm of my life I was seen through by Jesus. When I felt like I was being tossed around at night unable to see I was being guided through safe and sound.

I have been in the storm more then once, each time was more dangerous then the next and even when all odds were against me to survive, Jesus was right there with me unwilling to let me die just yet. People often ask me how I can believe in such an old antiquated idea. I recently heard the bible called a ‘nice story’. For me the Bible isn’t just some story, it has historical fact behind it, and more then that the length of time in just the old testament alone would be long enough time that unless inspired by a higher power it’s unlikely those events occur as they did. The prophesy laid down throughout the old testament, and then the coming of the Star of David as fulfilling prophesy wouldn’t have been likely. Astronomy wasn’t exactly a big science back then. Jesus foretold events to come, but even if you claim those parts were made up, who dies protecting a lie? Eleven men, who walked with Jesus for three years would be hunted by the Romans, and other nation’s leaders as they would preach and proclaim the word of Jesus Christ. Each of their eye witness accounts were written and matched one another based on their own backgrounds and points of view. Each man would fall one by one pressured to recant their story, admit they stole the body of Jesus Christ, and out their co-conspirators, yet not one denounced the truth. Who dies horrible, painful, tortured deaths, for a lie?

While it has been 2000 years give or take since the death of Christ, the works of the miraculous haven’t stopped. Most miracles happen and only a small select few know about it, or even say anything, but once in a while the story gets out and raises the question of these events throughout history. One story, a little girl diagnosed with a non-curable disease within her digestive tract, one day this disease will kill her. She’s playing with her sisters on an old tree on their property. She falls into the tree 20 feet and after hours of rescue they are finally able to get her out. Miraculously she walks away with a small bump on the head, not even a concussion. Within days it appears her disease is gone, and her health returned to normal. She had been fighting the disease for over a year. She recounts her experience talking to God and asked if she wanted to go home with her parents. She returned healthy, uninjured.

If this one miracle weren’t enough to sway me, I’d have to look back over my own life. I have several stories from my own past that should have taken my life, but surprisingly I’m still here. 1990, I was on an indoor slide and while at the top I was pushed over the side falling and landing on my neck. The fall probably should have killed me, but I walked away just a little sore. If that weren’t enough to sway me, I would see another miracle on September 12th, 2004. My convoy would be ambushed and my truck and another truck were separated from the group and made to run the gauntlet. 12 RPG’s, countless IED’s, and a hundred or so insurgent soldiers all shooting small arms at two trucks alone on a path designed to trap them. With chance after chance though damage was done, and eventually catastrophic damage, but not before miraculously making back to safety before the truck died when my foot came off the gas. It wouldn’t start again for nearly 6 weeks. Through the whole ordeal I was calm, and while every one else was yelling, I felt safe, at ease, and it came over me like a wave. This wasn’t from any amount of training, this was pure warmth and divine. If that weren’t enough, December 22nd 2004 a 155 round should have exploded just feet from my truck and miraculously didn’t. Had it detonated it’s likely someone if not everyone in the truck would have died. If that weren’t enough I should have died when a bullet went through my shoulder years later. Almost bleeding out, I wasn’t expected to reach the hospital alive. By the grace of God, and a divine encounter I survived waking up in the ambulance to everyone’s surprise. I had lost so much blood I was gray, and with purple lips I shouldn’t have survived the trauma and blood loss. Yet, when I was unconscious I distinctly remember saying, “God I’m Sorry.” And in response a loud, thunderous, booming voice replied, “You’re forgiven.” It was like I was hit in the chest, a jolt of lightning went through me and I awoke in the ambulance. The thing is, they never used the paddles on me. I never flat lined even though I was close. My vitals though low, improved once I regained consciousness. I begged them to let me go, I wanted to go back, but that wasn’t the plan. I didn’t die that day, and since then I have begun this blog, and I have begun to minister to countless others as I now openly discuss my faith. I have had a hand in saving the life of a man thrown from his vehicle in a roll over accident, and I know I have helped others through some very tough times. None of this would have been possible if God wouldn’t have spared my life that late afternoon.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” For years I would try to find my purpose, and I would feel lost, forsaken by the God that supposedly loved me. For years I would grow in anger and frustration as one bad thing after another happened to me. I would suffer my final loss with my ex wife’s affair finally tipping the scale and pushing me beyond the max of what I could take in my life, or so I thought. I blamed God for the wrongs from people. I had always claimed to have free will, but when it came to others doing wrong against me I wanted to blame God. I constantly felt like my troubles were the result of God being angry and spiteful towards me. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The truth was fear, but not my own fear, fear of the Devil. The Devil attacks those the most with whom he is most afraid. Imagine for a moment the fear he had of Jesus Christ. If Christ could be turned, tempted by the powers of the dark side of the force he would be a failure to God, and would rule as King of the world, but nothing more. Jesus would not be tempted time and time again by Satan, despite his best efforts. Satan knew his time to rule over a fallen world was coming to an end. Lucifer would fail to turn Christ and when Jesus defeated death and rose in fulfillment of the scripture, the only thing Satan would have left was the prevent the human souls from being saved by Christ’s sacrifice. The Devil prowls around now tempting and swaying mankind into hate and despair. The Devil’s desperate final play before the end to stick it to God one last time is preventing as many souls from Heaven as he can.

We live in this world and allow this world to tear us down, to break us in some instances, and yet, we forget the most important part of the story, Jesus already paid our price. All we have to do as easy as it is to say, is make it to the end of this roller coaster we’re on. Life isn’t going to be easy, but if salvation were easy everyone would do it. If giving up ones sinful nature, ones desire to remain in control over ones own life, then everyone could do it, and salvation would loose something. Salvation is a choice, and a choice we have to freely make. I am not a perfect man by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that Jesus loved me so much he gave his life for me. I know God has plans for me and even if I don’t know what they are, I have to have faith. Proverbs 19:21 “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” I have tried for many years to do things my way, to walk my own path, and every time I have tried, I’ve failed. I have run for many years from ministry because I always thought God was wrong. I was filled with so much pain and anger, how could I possibly help anyone else? The thing was, God doesn’t want perfection, he uses broken people all the time. Broken people are more real in their stories from what they were, to the healing power of the Holy Spirit. The true power of the grace of God is the redemption of the fallen, the rebuilding of the broken, and the finding of the souls that were once believed to be lost for all time. Through the grace of God anything is possible. The true blessings we have all because of God cannot be understated. While many will argue the nature of divinity, in my experience, seeing is believing.

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” God knew exactly what he was doing when I was created. He knew my hardships, and he knew the man I would eventually become. It’s his grace that saved me, and his love that would deliver me from the brinks of death. A rare second chance and unlike many who fall back into old ways, I rose above, and though I’m just as boneheaded as I was back then, I strive to better myself. I try to grow in my faith every day and to be a light in such a dark world. If we are ambassadors for Jesus Christ I want to try to put my best foot forward. So long I’ve tried to stand out in the crowd. I’ve tried to make my name be remembered for doing something great. My own goals were not what God had in mind for me. Greatness doesn’t come how many people know you; it comes from the memories you leave behind to those who remember you. I will try to be the best man God wants me to be, and let history decide the rest. We must have faith in the plan, and let go of our own plans. When we allow the father to guide us it takes much of the pressure off on where to go, or what we have to do. We must fall on our faith that God will handle the details, and we just go where he leads us. Faith isn’t easy, but those who walk by faith, while life is no easier, often learn to take life more in stride then others.

We walk in this dark world, and if we are to find peace we must first find hope. How can someone continue to fight if they feel no hope? Where do we find our hope when the world falls down upon our heads? When the Apostils watched in horror as their Lord was nailed to a cross after being brutally beaten, they were crushed in spirit. They were utterly without hope, but after 3 days the blood debt was paid, the victory lap had been made, and Christ would rise and make himself seen fulfilling the prophesy and destroying deaths hold over the sinner for all eternity. What hope is there do you ask? While the living God is still on the throne there is always hope. Those who dwell in the dominion of Hell have been pushed back as the blood spilt bridged the gap from sin to God. Where we have hope in Christ we have light, and while there is light we will always have peace. The love of God that lights up the darkness is all we’ll ever need. A heavy price was paid, and we have the only thing that will ever matter, the love of the father.

The Weight

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The Weight

It’s heavy, the weight we carry. The fears, doubts, regrets, the pain we’ve allowed to build year after year. The crushing weight under the cross we belong to. It’s got our name on it, and it’s our responsibility. In the years I’ve been carrying my cross I’ve watched it get bigger, and bigger through the years. Sometimes it grows slowly over time, and sometimes it seems like it doubles in size. The weight we are to carry, but never are we to carry alone. Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” While we are commanded to carry the cross. Luke 9:23 “23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” We are commanded to pick it up, and walk with Christ. We wear it like a badge of honor, but what happens when it gets to heavy? The weight we are never meant to keep. We are never meant to hold everything in and let it bury us. Sin adds up and if we let it, we get buried in our own suffering, an endless circle with no way out. That’s the lie the Devil would have you believe. That your sin is your death, the debt that you must carry for all of time. We are to carry it like an old friend, a friend that stays with us like our own shadow. The shadow in our mind that grows, storing the silence that echo’s in the walls of our brains. The journey however is not cold and dark as we are led to believe. The weight is not ours alone. The Devil wants us to think we have to be silent in our struggle. The Devil wants us to think we are weak if we cannot carry our cross alone. The Devil wants us to be alone, cut off from the light.

I have failed in my walk with the Lord more then once. I let the darkness build inside me. I held it like an old teddy bear. I kept it close but hid it away during the day. In the darkness of the night I would take it out and embrace it for a moment. My own self-inflicted punishment. I was weak and I knew I was. I kept it in because I was ashamed of my feelings. I was ashamed of the horrors I re-watched every night when I closed my eyes. I fell for the lie and I allowed the weight to break me down so far I was vulnerable when something big came along. I reached out and found myself rejected by those who were supposed to help. When I reached out my hand was slapped away, and I recoiled even farther into myself. I heard the whispers and they grew louder, till all I could hear was how weak I was. How I should feel low, and useless. I believed the lies of not being loved. I lost my fight against the weight I was carrying, and laying on the ground, crushed by it, I watched as everything I worked for in my life was ripped violently away from me. In my darkest, deepest hour of sorrow, the truth rose up and brighter then the sun, the Devil, the lies, the evil that surrounded me was forced to retreat back to the shadows. The hand of Jesus picked me up and hugged me close. The truth was made clear, and a revelation of what it means to be washed in the light of the Lord was unmistakable. Silence was a cancer that grew, but the light of the universe, our Lord and savior is the answer to the disease. And the people tied him to a tree, and murdered him. His blood was spilt, and we laughed and cast lots. We were given a choice, a criminal, or Jesus. In our ignorance, our hatred, our anger, we poured our sin into an innocent man. A man who would spread his arm to those who caused him to suffer a death worse then any could imagine. He spread his arms not in returned hate, but in forgiveness and love. He was not silent in his final moments. He spread his arms, he absolved us of our sins, by asking the Father to forgive us, for we do not know what we do. Our father, a gracious, loving father split the veil, and we were not doomed to suffer the crushing weight of sin any longer.

In Numbers 11:11-15 Moses cries to the Lord about the burdens he is carrying. The people are hungry, and are calling for him to bring an end to their suffering. He feels the weight of this burden and he feels he cannot bare it alone. He cries to the heavens asking God to either answer his prayers or to end his life. In verse 16 the Lord tells him to bring forth the elders that they may help him bare the burdens of the flock. I say to you, when you find yourself in need, turn to the Lord and he will answer your prayers and give you someone to lean on. Jesus would fall, weak, and carrying his cross he would fall. Matthew 27:32 “As they went out, they found a man of Cyrene, Simon by name. They compelled this man to carry his cross.” There’s no shame asking for help. There’s no shame admitting the day’s been a little to strong, the weight to heavy, the problems too big. I say we must find the strength inside to put down our pride, and go to the Lord in prayer. The Lord will give you someone to help you carry your burden.

Lean On Me By, Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

 Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

 Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show

 You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

 Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

 You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load

 

I know it seems like you might be alone in your life, but that’s not true. That’s the lie, and the Devil won’t stop telling it to you. Don’t listen to the darkness. When the darkness knocks at your door, turn away back to the light. Lift your head, your arms, and welcome the light into your heart. Let the Holy Spirit wash over you, removing the past sins. Don’t allow the silence to grow like a cancer inside you. Silence kills, it takes so many lives each and every day. The darkness will always creep just outside the walls, but when we keep the light of Jesus burning in our hearts and minds, the darkness cannot remain in the presence of light. Sing praises to the Lord of all and the praises of joy, of love will cancel out the silence and the whispers of the Devil will fall short to the music of Love. Hope, love, and praise will win over silence, pain, and despair. Fear, doubt, disbelief, let it all go. It’s time to drop your sins at the foot of the cross and lighten your load. Place your hope in Jesus and thank God yesterday’s gone. All your sins are forgiven, so carry them no more.

Our Time

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Our Time

When the morning sun rises over the horizon and you see the first rays of light, you don’t often question if it’ll be your last. We live by the minutes we have, but we rarely put thought into the actual thought of living. When you look at the sunrise and think how beautiful it is, or how you see the person you love, we don’t wonder if it’s the last time. There was a day so many years ago now, which brought all these questions to mind. As time has moved passed I often forget how quickly that life can be. In just a fleeting moment the world as we know it can be rocked by change, and how we are forever changed. As we wake this morning and we go about our day, for me today is a reminder to be vigilant in my thoughts. We suffer so much pain, and we suffer so much loss, but when we forget to live, that’s the true tragedy. How do we honor the dead? We honor the dead by fighting. We honor the dead by living, and to do so with thought. We cannot just wake up every day and exist, that we must truly live our lives. The day will come when we are called home, but if that day is not today, we must live life with zest. We must open our eyes every morning, and be grateful to the one who gives life. We live this life and this is our time, but it’ll never come again.

When the days are numbered, how can we say we lived our life? Will we count our days by missed opportunities? Will we count them by the number of lives we touched? Will we count them by the number of lives we destroyed? No matter the form of measurement in your life, be sure to live your life for the moment. Be sure that in that moment, the fleeting moments we are here, make a difference. Live a life that is full of love and a life that is pleasing to God. Be a beacon of hope in a world full of darkness. Live your life in the light so others can see. We only get one shot at life, and we never know when the day our ticket gets punched, so live every day with the heart for God. Live every day loving your friends, loving your family. Live every day with the thought, tomorrow may not come. Don’t live out your days thinking ‘I thought I’d have more time.’ Today is the day you have, and tomorrow isn’t promised.

John 10:7-15 “7 So Jesus again said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. 8 All who came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. 9 I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. 11 I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12 He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. 13 He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. 14 I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.”

We are the lost sheep living this life, and a shepherd came to give us hope. In that hope we now live, no longer in the darkness, but the light of the world. Although we live dust to dust, we are more then the sum of our flesh. We have the living waters that flow over our hearts when we open them to the Lord. Genesis 3:19 “By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” No longer are we here to live and die, but instead we are here to live and live. We live this life so one day we can live in eternal life. Ecclesiastes 3:20-21 “All go to one place. All are from the dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows whether the spirit of man goes upward and the spirit of the beast goes down into the earth?” We are given the choice of how we want to live, and in that choice so shall we be judged.

Today as I remember the dead, I recall the valley, which I gazed upon. I saw the face of evil and I will forever remember the horror, which lives in the hearts of man. The ability to take life, to extinguish a child of God, with no remorse or conscious, is truly a terrifying place. To witness such evils, reminds us that though Christ died to break the bonds of death, we still fight for the souls of the living. Not all who live shall live, and all the while not all that die shall die. If you are to live, live for love, live for Christ, and in Christ love all. Love all who live and pray for those whom you love, but in turn, pray for those whom wish to do hate. As it is said, love the sinner, and hate the sin. Today which is a day to remember, I pray for the souls of those who sought to do harm, and I pray with forgiveness in my heart, yet a prayer of God’s righteous vengeance. For it is not my place to judge the living, nor is it my place to judge the dead, but to love and pray for both. Romans 12:19 “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” I place my belief upon the Lord, and I pray for those who have trespassed against me, and I pray for my own heart that it be healed in my time of pain. I pray that I shall find peace in the knowledge that vengeance is not of my own hand, but in the hand of the Lord. I pray that we in this life find justice, not vengeance. Deuteronomy 32:35 “To me belongeth vengeance, and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste.” Justice is restoring balance, and I trust in the Lord, which holds eternal balance in his righteous hands.

 

What I Gave Away

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What I Gave Away

All my life I wanted to be accepted by my friends. All my life I wanted to be liked by those around me. For whatever reason I have always had the need to fit in, I just never felt like I have. I spent the first part of my life being tortured in school being told I was ugly, that I looked like particular animals. I was laughed at for things that would happen to me, I was picked on for things that were traumatic in my home life, and no matter what I did I never found a way out. Eventually the teasing became physical. I was beat up after school, I was shoved around in school. I was given a swirley. My shoes were taken and thrown into urinals, and in the hallways my books where kicked around the hallways. When I liked a girl and people found out I was teased because she was so far out of my league everyone thought I was crazy. That’s when the mean tricks started. I was told that she actually thought I was cute and wanted to kiss me. Obviously they lied, and well, getting slapped across the face was a good clue I was lied to. Ever since then I have gone out of my way to get people to like me. Sadly, even as I got older and the place from which my actions came where honest and sincere, I would find that I was still not part of the ‘in’ crowd’. I would never truly be accepted, and I would find in time that I gave away parts of me that were my self esteem, my self worth, my heart, and my generosity would be taken advantage of time and time again. What I gave away was the best parts of me, just to all the wrong people.

To this day I haven’t quite found where I fit in. I feel like I’m a million miles from everyone in a crowded room. I feel like everyone’s moving all around me, talking to one another while I’m listening, watching, just entirely unsure of what to say. I never found how to interact with people. I never became someone anyone wanted to be around. I never found myself as accepted. I’ve always been a little different. I’ve always been a little nerdy. I’ve always been a little quirky, and sadly, it’s never gotten me anywhere. When I was in High School I often helped out as a counselor for my fellow classmates. I would give advice, and I would be an ear to listen, and in some cases I was a shoulder to cry on. Always a friend, never more, but on the rare occasion I was more, I wasn’t for long. I became the guy people would leave behind. When it came time to get married I never thought that I would be left behind again, but I was. I was cheated on, and lied to, and humiliated. I was displaced and forced to leave an entire country with nothing. I gave the best part of me and it was thrown away like used trash. Years later I would find myself loving another, and it seemed like that love was something special. After four years of marriage she would cheat, and again I was left wondering what I had done. I felt like I had given my everything and I felt as if I had been understanding, respectful, loving, caring, and yet it wasn’t good enough. I asked myself what I had done wrong? I blamed myself, and with all that anger, all that rage, I pointed it literally at myself. I poured every bit of blame into a tiny punch. The pain I felt was amplified by my anger at failure in my life. Every hurt I felt, every promise broken. Every loss I watched in front of me, death, and abandonment, all wrapped into the same moment. Years of abandonment, years of suffering, years of anger built up and at the center of it all I was the common denominator thus I was the one to blame. My value had been given to others to define. I allowed others to tell me if I was worth it or not. I gave away the very part of myself that is supposed to stay with you, knowing that you are a child of the one true King. You’ve been saved, changed and set free from bondage. Yet I would believe the lies I was told and I fell for the Devils schemes.

How do you come back from all of that? How do you change the years of behavior built into your personality? How do you rid yourself of years of heart, and conditioning? Sadly, I don’t have the answer for you. What I do have is a direction. You are a child of the Lord and the Lord doesn’t do anything by accident. You are not an accident. You are beautifully created for a purpose and we know that each of us has gifts, and a roll to play in the big picture. We all have our reason for being here and that we must trust in the big plan. We may experience the worst that humanity has to offer. We may undergo pain, and suffering on a regular basis, more then our fair share it seems, but perhaps we have suffered long for a reason. Maybe you can make the difference in a life.

Hard Love, By: Needtobreathe

Hold on tight a little longer
What don’t kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, ’cause it’s a hard love
You can’t change without a fallout
It’s gon’ hurt, but don’t you slow down
Get back up, ’cause it’s a hard love

You know the situation can’t be right
And all you ever do is fight
But there’s a reason that the road is long
It takes some time to make your courage strong

 It’s not easy being an outcast, but at the foot of the cross we are all the same. When it comes to the cross the bullies who lived a cruel life will have to answer for that cruelty. We cannot let the world stain or harden our hearts. We must learn to give because we are pulled in our heart to do so. We must help because we want to. We must love live Christ loved. We must treat others fairly, and never loose sight of the love we were given that fateful day 2000 years ago. Christ sacrificed himself because of His love for us. We were never deserving of it, but we have it anyway. Those bullies in our lives don’t deserve it, but perhaps they are one step away from seeing the error of their ways and they turn around from the path they were on. We never know how our love and kindness will make an affect, and we must keep loving no matter how much it hurts. We can’t give up on this life. We cannot give up on our commandments, and once we realize that those who treated us that way cannot define who we are, then we may start to realize that power we gave away, we can actually take it back. For all those who’ve been bullied, and tortured, and beat up, and treated badly, you’re something special. You’ve endured hardships and yet you are still loving. Keep loving others, and keep giving, but more importantly, never stop loving yourself. Love others and help others because it’s the right thing to do. Do this knowing you will likely never get anything in return for it, and you may never see it come back to you, but we don’t love for the return, we love because it’s right. Stop giving away your value to others. Stop giving your happiness when others don’t deserve to have it. Psalm 146:3 “Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help.” Scripture is clear about putting our trust in people. Isaiah 2:22 “Stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he?” God is faithful and never lies, never breaks a promise, and forever bares the truth. Numbers 23:19 “God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” The words of a man do not make them true. The cruel things someone says, even someone who claimed to love you isn’t necessarily the truth, so don’t allow the falsehoods spoken through a wicked tongue define you. It’s easier said then done of course, I myself haven’t gotten the hang of it, but the truth is the truth. Have faith in the word, and the word shall set you free.

 

 

 

 

The Purge

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The Purge

Job 2:11 “Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place; Eliphaz the Temanite, and Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite: for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him.” They spoke out against him instead of offering comfort. While they never left Job they certainly weren’t the friends he needed in his time of sorrow and suffering. God would rebuke his friends for their handling of their good friends unfortunate situation.

What about when friends just up and leave? John 6:66 “From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.” Jesus Christ had friends, followers that left him when he said something they didn’t like. When Christ told them the only way to the Father was through Christ, they ask no questions; they turn their backs and never returned. Later Jesus would be betrayed by Judas and sold him out to the Sanhedrin.

In the last year I’ve seen a major exodus from my life, friends that I never thought I’d loose, but many have walked away never to return. I’ve had friends blame me for my troubles, and I’ve had friends leave without a single word. It’s hard watching a purge like that in your life, but the truth is, in order for the forest to grow back greener, fuller, more beautiful then ever, sometimes purging fire is needed. This isn’t without sorrow and pain, but the truth is, sometimes the purge is exactly what’s needed.

Jesus knew many would flee from him because of what he was teaching. He taught regardless of the cost because what was needed is always necessary. The truth may not be popular but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. It’s better to loose to truth, then to have in the lie. It’s better to have very little, but be blessed in quality, then to have plenty and be worth very little. No one wants to live in solitude, but sometimes we need to see the world through a different set of eyes. No one wants to be alone, but it’s better to be alone then to be with people who care nothing for you.

Would you stand with the crowd preaching lies, or stand alone on the truth? God’s word will stand against the raging tie because it’s the truth. Luke 13:24 “Strive to enter through the narrow door. For many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able.” God’s word is the truth, and Christians will be persecuted through time and till the very end. You will loose friends, and you will watch as the world turns from you. It can be heart breaking watching close friends leave you, and it will hurt your feelings, but the truth is, if it’s so fragile that friends would leave for any number of reasons, the friendships weren’t that strong to begin with. As you walk in Christ you will find new friends, and hopefully one day a partner to worship along side. There’s more in life then we could ever see and we must have faith and trust in the Lord that brighter days are just around the corner. We never know how long the storm will last, but we know that one day the storm will end and the light from Heavens gate will shine the way home. When we go home this life and the friends we had, the friends we lost, none of it will matter. Have faith in the plan unseen, and even when you’re on your knees praying for relief, trust it will come. Never loose sight of the big picture and my prayers are with you, those who’ve lost friends. Those who have followed in the footsteps of Job, and those who’ve lost friends like Jesus. Remember the purge of old makes room for the new. Embrace the new as it comes. It will be different, and it might be hard, but change isn’t always bad. The change of your heart when you accept Christ will be foreign to many, and you won’t be recognizable anymore. Allow the old to burn away, and watch the beauty of the new budding relationships. Just have patience and breath. Trust always, and move forward.

 

 

 

Jumping into the unknown

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Jumping into the unknown

 In a matter of weeks I will embark on an adventure all on my own. In the last year of my life I’ve suffered loss, and some joy along the way. While in every adventure there can be no growth without setbacks. While the journey is far from over it seems glimmers of light can now be seen at the end of a yearlong journey. The light I see at the end of the tunnel isn’t the headlamp of a fast approaching train. It’s finally come and while I know there will be future setbacks I’m prepared to face them head on.

In the last few weeks I’ve faced major opposition from the Veterans Administration and have had to point out gross negligence on their part. This battle has come at the cusp of my life finally being set on a particular track in a particular direction. This set back has minimized my ability to get my train up to full speed. Sadly while this causes undo stress, and might I point out needless stress, I will continue to try and face it with respect and dignity.

We may only get an opportunity once in a lifetime to leap. I’m not saying leap without looking, of course not, but sometime you need to take a leap of faith, and that leap may not always be with sight we understand. Sometimes we just don’t know what’s just around the bed, or just over the side of the next cliff. How can the eagles soar above the clouds if it doesn’t first take the leap? When we love we must first fall, a leap to let a part of ourselves go to allow for someone else to come in. When we love Jesus we must allow a part of our self to be burned away to make room for the light of the world. Loving another person is taking a chance. Rejection in life is always a possibility. Rejection from those whom we love is possibly the most hurtful thing we can ever endure. The fear of that rejection however, the fear of failure, cannot be the reason we don’t try. What if we allow ourselves to be ruled by our fear? What happens to our life, our happiness when we don’t allow ourselves to feel happy?

Genesis 2:18 “And the LORD God said, [It is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” We aren’t meant to be in this world alone. We aren’t meant to take the journey solo. We are made to be creatures that desire and need others. While some people are loners and some may desire their solitude that’s not the general idea for the human race. We often hide away after we are hurt, but we cannot live in the cave we’ve built forever. Even when we are broken hearted we must allow the Lord to rebuild us, to help us heal. Psalms 34:18 “The LORD [is] nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” When the right person comes along falling in love will be effortless, it will be like slipping into a warm bath. It will be like being wrapped in joy itself. The euphoria that comes with the act of falling in love is spectacular.

Sometimes we are forced to move, forced to change and we must be ready to embrace that change. Sometimes we must take a leap of faith and the trust comes later. I was watching the “Man of Steel” and while Clark was debating on his decision, he talked with a priest. During that conversation Clark stated he wasn’t sure if he could trust mankind. The priest replied that sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and trust later. Sometimes we must take the deep breath and dive into the deep water. We may not find our gold right away but if we continue to seek, one day we shall find.

As I have no clue what my future has in store for me, I can only hope and pray my future is brighter then the past. While I have seen glimmers of hope, and perhaps even love in my future, I proceed cautiously. I’ve seen and felt hope before only to be destroyed by it. This time around I am more cautious then I was before. This time also, I’m in a much better position. My faith is strong and when I needed proof the answers were given to me. We only need to have faith, and we too can see the truth. While we may not always get what we want, we will be given what we need. We must learn to understand the wants and the needs, and to also understand the repercussions of decisions. Many of our hardships will be a result of our own choices and thus we must remember we always reap what we sew.

Tomorrow’s answers will come when tomorrow does. Worry not about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry for itself. If we spend all our time worrying about our possible failures, or our possible rejections, if we never take that chance, or the leap we will truly never fly. You can’t live life with training wheels on your bicycle so take them off, put on your big boy pants or your big girl panties, and be ready for the world as it comes. Just remember though, a leap of faith doesn’t mean jumping without a parachute. Try to have at least some slight idea so you don’t fall to your own doom. Take the idea, and have faith that God will help guide you to work out the details. Trust in the Lord with thine whole heart and lean not unto your own understanding, but have faith in the truth and the light, and your way, your path shall be lit for you.

The Pain

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The Pain

The morning comes as the first text alert sounds off. It’s like a bugle announcing to the world that the suns come up again and the second his eyes open, the suffering begins. The stab starts at the shoulder and resonates like electricity straight down the arm into the fingertips. The tingling of a limb that’s half numb, half live wire. The slightest move the pain spikes to a 9, the deepest of sighs the sting goes across his back and the pain causes every muscle along the way to tense and tighten up. The perpetual sting and shock over and over again becomes exhausting. The years of pain that comes and goes like wolves in the night, predators that stalk it’s pray, lurking around the shadows and striking it’s pray dragging it down to the ground for it’s gruesome bloody kill.

The things that were once easy are now a daily challenge. The lifting of a drink to my mouth now brings fear of dropping it to the floor. What once was strong and sure is now weak and uncertain. The breaking of ones body, the degradation of body is drowning the last vestige of hope. The fight for ones soul lies with the last stand of men at Minas Tirith. The fate of the world rests all it’s hope on a pair of hobbits and a ring. The battle for Minas Tirith only buys time for the real fight. The battle every day we face, the breaking of our bodies, the enemies growling at our doors, the loves of our life being ripped away, our hopes, our dreams, everything we’ve always wanted on this earth ripped away, the battle at the wall. The races of men stand firm to withstand the full onslaught of Sauron’s army. The odds were certainly not in the favor of the race of men, 200,000 verses less then 15,000 before the oathbreakers arrived. Some days it feels like we are always on the defensive, some days it feels like we are outnumbered. Doesn’t it feel like the battle continues and the casualty count keeps piling up and the reinforcements are nowhere to be found?

The dangers of constant attacks is the hardening of ones heart. How do we remain kind, and gentle when the world beats us to the ground over and over and is unrelenting? It’s easy to be angry, and it’s easy to hate, it’s easy to push people away when you fear loosing them, or when you fear hurting them, or worse, to stop them from hurting you. Ecclesiastes 7:9 “Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.” God doesn’t want us to fall to the Tempter. Go forth Jesus said, John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Matthew 28:19 “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:” This world will give no peace, this world will offer no respite from attacks. This world will beat you to the ground and will continue to do so from the day of your birth, to the day you are called home. It’s not for man, neither you, nor me, to allow anger to dictate the terms within our lives. James 1:20 “because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” We are told and called to love our neighbors to include our enemies.

Job’s family was murdered, then his livelihood in his land and cattle where destroyed, then the servants, then the rest of his family. When Satan wasn’t satisfied he approached God again and God was pleased with Job, and Satan struck Job with sickness, boils from toes to head. Even as Job held his dying wife she told him to Curse God and die with her. He did not; he did not sin with his lips. After loosing everything he owned, his entire family, and then his health, his friends turned their backs on him. His friends vial and cruel to him in his time of need. God blessed Job for his faithfulness. God restored Job and all the pain and suffering Job endured was not for nothing.

We must understand the rules of the game. From childhood we are shown fairytales where the princess and prince live happily ever after. We are shown movies where the good guy gets the girl in the end. The fact is, our bodies will fail us. Our worldly desires, the things we may love, the product of our good works no matter how faithful we are can always be taken away. The fact is the world we live in isn’t ours. The world we live in is a lie told to us to lure us into a false sense of security. The world is that of Satan. He owns this world because this is a world of Sin, of fallen grace. There are no rules. There’s no fair play. Satan dropped the gloves a long time ago and fights bare knuckles to do as much damage along the way as he can. The end game for Satan is to prevent you from staying in graces with God. Satan’s end game is to pull you from God, deal enough pain to force you to acquiesce and give up on your faith.

We may go through periods in our life where we mirror Job, and sometimes our lives are that of Job. Sometimes our entire life is a battlefield in which we take one hit after another, never ending, a no relenting force that just keeps coming. Sometimes we are attacked because we are of the strongest of God warriors and sometimes it’s to test our faith, to allow us to come to God with our toils. However you are being tested and forged in fire, know that you too can be a sword tempered in steel and forced to undergo the heat and the beating of iron and fire. What kind of sword will you be on the battlefield? Will you be one that cracks under the pressure of constant hits, or will you remain strong, remain resolute in your enduring faith. Never give up hope for the suffering of this world albeit long is in fact only temporary, and that’s the faith we must have to ensure our future within tomorrow is secure in heaven, the eternity of peace and love.