Tag: jesus christ

Hope Always

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Hope Always

The life we live can be full of never any changes. I heard in a sermon recently where it was said after something big happens “the world will never be the same.” While this is hitting the nail on the head it’s important to remember that at some point our season will change, and we will be faced with tough choices. We cannot go through life surprised that the seasons change without warning. We cannot let those changes put a wedge between our Father and us. There’s one thing we must always remember and that’s God is still on the throne, God’s still in control, and we must understand that our prayers are always heard, and answered, even if we don’t see or understand the answer.

Ecclesiastes 3 (NKJV)

Everything Has Its Time

3 To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

2 A time [a]to be born,

And a time to die;

A time to plant,

And a time to pluck what is planted;

3 A time to kill,

And a time to heal;

A time to break down,

And a time to build up;

4 A time to weep,

And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

And a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones,

And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace,

And a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to gain,

And a time to lose;

A time to keep,

And a time to throw away;

7 A time to tear,

And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence,

And a time to speak;

8 A time to love,

And a time to hate;

A time of war,

And a time of peace.

Be A Part Of Something

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Be A Part Of Something

It’s important to be active in life. It’s easy to get into a habit of sitting back, enjoying the couch, watching TV, but before we know it that’s become our daily routine, and we miss out on some wonderful stuff. I recently got to go to Relay for Life, and I had an amazing time. Leading up to it I kept pushing back getting ready, and then I realized I was avoiding the idea of going. There would be a thousand people or more at the track and I didn’t like the idea of being around that many people. When I actually arrived at the field I instantly questioned what I was doing there. My anxiety was high and all I wanted to do was run back to the comfort of my own bed. Regardless how I was feeling, I stayed, and with Riley (My service dog) by myself I walked to the track and began to mingle with people I knew. My anxiety took over an hour to subside, but it wasn’t long before I realized why I was there. It wasn’t me at all, but Riley who was making a difference. I would come across several people I knew that were having a rough night, and Riley provided comfort to them. We don’t always think about the plan, but we have to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit when we are told to do something. I ended up having an amazing time, and it’s because of all the nice conversation I had, and watching Riley be such a joy to so many who met her. Sometimes I don’t want to do the stuff that God is calling me to do but when I do I usually end up telling God He was right. Be sure to listen to the Holy Spirit guiding you, and remember that no matter where you go, you can be a little light of Christ for others.

Encouragement

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Encouragement

You might be going through so much today, broken hearted, jobless, health issues, family problems, no matter what you’re going through know that Psalm 118:24“Today is the Lord has made so be glad and rejoice in it.” We can worry ourselves sick, and we can stress over everything going on in our lives, but and I get it, it’s easy to forget the most important thing to remember, God is still on the Throne. I know what it’s like to see the worst humanity has to offer. I know what it’s like to face unknown health problems. I have been through two horrible divorces, so I know that there are days when the world seems like its going to fall down on your head. Rest assured it isn’t, and no matter how dark it may seem today, Jesus is always with you. If you feel you can’t make it, just start with baby steps. Realize that tomorrow is a tomorrow problem. If you can’t face tomorrow, face today. You are a child of the King, and you are royalty, made for a purpose. Jesus loves you, and as you are known before you took your first breath, know that God knows every hair on your head, and you are just the way He wants you to be. Tomorrow might look scary, and you may think there’s no way out of your current situation but there always is. God never sends us into a problem without the tools to fix it. God always equips us to handle any situation we may face. Sometimes that’s the people God puts in our path, sometimes it’s a song on the radio, but He always gives us what we need. It’s our job to go through life with an open heart, and a love of Jesus Christ, and trusting and having faith in our place with the Lord. No matter if our path is to beautiful streams, green pastures, or the valley of death, the Lord is with you always.

I have had my share of ups and downs, and lately the struggle of depression has been very real for me. I have questioned if I’d be alone for the foreseeable future, and I’ve wondered if my living situation would ever change. I have doubted my self worth, and I have questioned my place in this world. You aren’t weak if you ask yourself these things, or if you feel these things, you’re normal. Dealing with life can be difficult, but when you truly understand that Jesus is the Truth, The way, the life, we know that there is hope on the horizon. It can be hard to see sometimes, and through the pounding of the storm, it can most certainly be hard to hear, but know that Christ is walking next to you every step of the way. When we are at our lowest we often search for meaning, we want answers to why we’re suffering, and it’s simple, sinful world. Our suffering is caused by our own sin, the sin of others, or just nature. Christ overcame sin, and gave us something to look forward to. Remember though even in our salvation, is a story of pain and sacrifice. Jesus bore the cross, took the beating, faced the pain, and the ridicule so we wouldn’t die without hope. Who are we to think we won’t suffer a little along the way if our own savior suffered for us? The Apostles were without hope in this days and nights after Christ’s crucifixion. They were lost and discouraged, but the morning came on the third day and Christ returned. The doubts were laid to rest as they found he was truly resurrected. After that they went with hope, with love, and with confidence to face the world in which they would most surely die for what they would preach. They didn’t fear what would come, so why should we? We may not have been able to walk with Jesus, but Jesus walks with us, and is in our hearts if we only let Him change our lives. Jesus can heal a broken heart, can give us peace in the storms, and show us the way through the fire. All we are asked is not to be afraid, and be courageous. Find your strength in Christ, and never give up the fight.

On Hold

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On Hold

Have you ever had that feeling you needed to do something? What about that feeling what you were doing was wrong and you should be doing something else with your life? Recently I was on hold with a local hospital and while I was on hold I started wondering how often we keep Jesus on hold. How often do we send Jesus straight to voicemail when He calls on us to do something? The story of Jonah is a prime example of what happens when you put Jesus on hold. We can’t be afraid to pick up the phone with we are called by God. We can’t be afraid to do what it is God’s asking of us, because we are told over and over that if God calls you He will prepare you for the mission he has in store for you. In Exodus 3 and 4 Moses is telling God he is not the right person for the job to free the people from Pharaoh in Egypt. In Exodus 4:13-1713 But he said, “O my Lord, please send by the hand of whomever else You may send.” 14 So the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses, and He said: “Is not Aaron the Levite your brother? I know that he can speak well. And look, he is also coming out to meet you. When he sees you, he will be glad in his heart. 15 Now you shall speak to him and put the words in his mouth. And I will be with your mouth and with his mouth, and I will teach you what you shall do. 16 So he shall be your spokesman to the people. And he himself shall be as a mouth for you, and you shall be to him as God. 17 And you shall take this rod in your hand, with which you shall do the signs.” Notice the word angerin verse 14. Moses had excuse after excuse why he wasn’t the right man for the job. How do you feel when you call your friends over and over and they never answer their phones, or they make one excuse after another that they cannot spend time with you? God at every turn tells Moses that the Lord is with him, and because of that, Moses has no reason to say no, that he wouldn’t go to Pharaoh.

In Jeremiah 1, God calls young Jeremiah to be a prophet of Israel. As expected the young man made his best argument as to why he couldn’t do it, and this time it was his age. God responds Jeremiah 1:7-87 “But the Lord said to me: “Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’ For you shall go to all to whom I send you, And whatever I command you, you shall speak. 8 Do not be afraid of their faces, For I am with you to deliver you,” says the Lord.” God would call upon Jeremiah to be his voice for many years. During this time Jeremiah would consistently tell God he didn’t want to do it anymore. As the people would not listen, punishment came, and a lather rinse repeat cycle came around, he became frustrated and tired of the same old thing. He wanted nothing more than to be released from his calling.

Guidian that you see in Judges was a warrior for Christ. He was called to be a soldier and he doubted. With the guidance of protection of God he defeated the army’s against Israel.

Most people called by God run away from that calling. Not only do people run away from the calling of God they ignore the voice of the Holy Spirit that tries to guide you in your life.  Romans 8:15 “Foryou did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” Do we ignore God because we’re afraid to listen? I think we’re afraid to let go of ourselves and submit to Christ. Christ though will keep calling, and won’t ever quit. He will leave us messages. Send us text messages. He’ll even send people to check on us to remind us He cares. Keep putting God on hold, and you’re only missing out on the true blessings of the grace and love of Jesus Christ.

 

 

Why Do You Do It?

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Why Do You Do It?

What drives you as a person to do the things you do? Do you do things to serve yourself, serve others, or maybe serve God? From my own perspective over the last few years, it seems we as a country have become much more of a self-serve rather than service. While there are moments in history when it seems not all is lost with humanity. Recently during the tragic flooding from Hurricane Florence, we have seen thousands of people coming to the aid of those affected by the storm.

Aside from tragedy, what motivates you, what drives you to do the things you do? Matthew 6:1-4“Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them. Otherwise you have no reward from your Father in heaven. 2 Therefore, when you do a charitable deed, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory from men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. 3 But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly.” In my own life, I can’t say my motives have always been clear. There have been times when I have done something for the accolades. We must remember though, it’s important to keep our hearts clean, our motives pure. We can do things, all kinds of things that on the surface look great. We can volunteer at church or other places like homeless shelters and such, but we must be careful to ask ourselves why we are doing it. We can do all kinds of things for the appearances of it. We can put on a mask, and go to church, smile and shake hands, but what really counts is what’s in your heart. So many people go do church because they are expected too. So many people (men in particular) go to church and put on a good show, and try to go out for deacon or whatever position they want, but why? People’s motives are always an interesting subject when you truly start to break down the why.

Why do you do it 2

When I was growing up, I knew I wanted to make a difference in this life. For a long time, I wanted to leave a legacy behind. I don’t think my motives weren’t in the right place as that legacy was to be reminded for something good. As I’ve grown in my faith, now I see that the focus should be living life in a way that people see Christ in you. When we do things for our own gain, even if we can fool everyone around us, we cannot fool God. Proverbs 21:2“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, But the Lord weighs the hearts.” I think it’s important for us to challenge ourselves to ask why we do the things we do. Are we being drawn to temptation? Are we seeking notoriety? Are we truly doing our works to please God? Are we doing works to try and work our way into Heaven? Whatever the reason is, there’s only one that’s acceptable, and that’s to please God and bring glory to His Holy name.

I have seen a lot of people make decisions based on their own selfish desires. I have watched as lives have been torn apart from a selfish motivation that was acted upon. I think it’s time that we put the past to bed, and look at our hearts today. Whatever drove you yesterday, that doesn’t have to define you today. Stand up for Jesus today. Look into your heart and ask yourself if you can give yourself to Christ. It’s time to start changing hearts, and changing behaviors. God created you for a purpose and when we live in the purpose we will find that peace is no longer an unobtainable idea. Jesus Christ is the reason we have hope, and because of that we shouldn’t be afraid to trust, to give ourselves to that hope. We can find happiness in changing our motives, and we can trust that when we stop living for ourselves, we will be blessed for it. Sure, there will still be trials, but when you have your faith in Christ, those troubles instead of being a category 5 hurricane, will only be a small thunderstorm. Live for Christ, because Christ knows you, He knows your name, and what more can we ever ask for? We are famous in our fathers eyes, so nothing people can give you is worth more then the gift given to us by the blood of Christ. In all things work to bring glory to the name of Jesus.

 

A Light in the Darkness

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A Light in the Darkness

The darkness has covered the whole of the Earth. The fear, and hate, anger all flows around us like the wind through the trees. In this world the negativity and fear have flooded our streets, our schools, our homes, and we face tough situations every day in this life. With the world telling us one thing, and the scripture telling us another, we are left in the darkness of our own minds, our own beds to consider what’s going on. “Live in this world, but do not be conformed to it.” What does it mean to be a Christian today? If a Christian gets angry and says some bad things, they are condemned and ridiculed for it. The hardships Christians face today in a world that’s forever growing more bitter and ‘progressive’, Christians are not the ones antiquated, out of date. See, Christians have been facing persecution since it’s founding after Christ rose from the dead. Today it seems the church is once again under attack in many ways. This growing persecution although it’s not new, it does seem like a failing environment which is allowing an epic proportion of sexual immorality, divorce, abuse, criminal activities, all on an biblical scale. People no longer prescribe to the law of the Holy Book.  We show similar behaviors of Sodom and Gomorrah, so it begs the question will we one-day face judgment as they did. While this is something heard quite often that if we (the USA) doesn’t change our ways if God doesn’t intervene soon, God would owe Sodom an apology. This isn’t the only city in the Bible that was full of debauchery, alcohol abuse, and all manner sinful behavior, you have probably heard of it, Corinth, as in 1stand 2ndCorinthians. An interesting point to mention is the city of Corinth was rebuilt by Julius Cesar and within the city a new temple to the Roman goddess of Aphrodite, the goddess of love. Corinth was a large commercial center and with as much traffic that it had ritualistic prostitution as a regular part of life. Corinth needed to see the light, and I suggest that we the USA also need to see the light.

I often wonder how my own life will affect those around me in this life. I fully admit that there are times my struggle with depression is evident and public. I am not a perfect man, but I try hard to be more then a debby downer, or a pessimist. I believe God has plans for me. I trust that I am where God wants me, the leading question is why? I recently watched God’s Not Dead (3) A Light in Darkness. In that movie I was flooded with feelings of faith that there is a solution to many of our negative outlooks. Love and grace is always the way we as Christians need to behave. So many people are pushed away from the faith because of someone’s actions, or someone’s words. There’s a reason the Apostle Paul remained in Corinth for so long, the darkest of places often require the most work. When we consider hope, we should be looking at Christ as our example. Christ was an amazing man of liberties. Christ not only healed the sick, raised a man from the dead, fed the masses with bread, fish and wine by using Divine power to multiply the food. Not only did he do all that he also spoke out for woman’s rights, and the rights for children. He spoke out for the poor, and the despair of people. If he can bring so much hope to the world, why can’t we live our lives being slow to anger, slow to wrath, and slow to negative actions? We must learn to be better in control of our actions. Yes we’re all human, and we all fall short to the glory of God, but we all need to be a little more like Christ, and a lot less like the world.

I can’t say I’ve always been the best at being the conduit for Christ’s love. When the world beats you down, especially for those in the military, police, emergency services it’s not always easy to stay bright for others. We have to remember that when we are down in our low places someone is there for us. Christ loves us so we are given what we need, when we need it. Christ has a plan for us, and those plans are to prosper not to live in despair. We need God’s grace and we must show why others need God’s grace. Ephesians 2:8-12  (NKJV)8 “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Grace is everything; because it’s through grace we are given the gift of eternal life with Jesus. Light up the dark, and remember always, God’s NOT Dead.

Sometimes You Have To Lose

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Sometimes You Have To Lose

We shake our fists to Heaven when something we perceive as bad happens. We don’t always see the blessings till well after the tragedy. This happens more often then we think in life. When I spend time thinking about the worst things to happen to me in my life, I often wonder if there was any other way. (Spoilers Avengers Infinity War)

Dr. Strange tells Tony Stark “There was no other way.” This happens when Strange calls to Thano’s and spares Tony’s life. Sometimes victory is in the loss. It’s hard to face those hardships with hopeful hearts but in all things have faith in God’s plan for love not despair. This can be seen and summed up in one scripture verse Romans 8:28 (NKJV) “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Loosing isn’t everything, for it’s in loss we are truly able to rise and see what we’re made of.

I’m reminded of a line from Star Wars Last Jedi. Yoda tells Luke that failure is the greatest teacher. This couldn’t be truer. In my own life I have lost, and though it’s not always right away, usually some lesson can be taken away from it. Sometimes the lesson to learn is to change directions in your life. Several months ago after a long period of time out of work I was able to finally get back into the security field. I found a job that although had it’s issues, was well suited for me and my current physical restrictions. I wasn’t at the job more then 3 weeks before out of the blue I was called by Human Recourses telling me that I would be out of work by the end of the day. There was no other position that suited my physical requirements, so without any positions I would not remain with the company. 7 years with the company, employee of the year, exemplary record, and it would all come to an end in the blink of an eye. I can remember sitting in my car at the end of my shift. The only thought that kept rushing to mind was prayer, so I sat there and I prayed to God. “God, I understand what you’re telling me. I see that this chapter in my life is over. Please show me my new path.”

We often think of loss or failure as a bad thing. We fail to understand that, those times are often when we learn the most about who we are. We face the dragons and we are either victorious, or we are beaten down. No matter where we are in our lives, these times will be the most defining events of our life. Obviously we won’t always handle every failure with ease and grace, but even in those moments it’s an amazing opportunity to do the one things that’s more important then any other, TURN TO JESUS CHRIST! When we are struggling, and we are low, Jesus is the first place we need to turn. We 1 Thessalonians 5:14-18 14 “Now we [b]exhort you, brethren, warn those who are [c]unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. 15 See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all. 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”  Turning to Christ and rejoices in everything. Every success, and every loss we have are in a place where we can turn to God to help us make our way through. If we are not following Christ it’s possible that our hardships are presented to us so we turn to Christ when perhaps we hadn’t in the past.

Thinking back about that moment when Dr. Strange tells Stark, “there was no other way.” Reminds me that sometimes the only way to alter our course is for something bad to happen. We can be stubborn, and I ask how often we refuse to change. If we are to look at life as a long highway, sometimes to change our path, God needs to place some construction signs and force a detour to change our path. We want to focus on the why me, but we don’t really want to face the why. They are very different questions, and very different reasons. When we ask ‘why me’ we are looking at self, we are looking at the me aspect instead of asking the purpose of what we should be learning in those situations. If we are not listening to the subtle clues God places in our path, God will eventually throw a major construction site on the path to force change. This is not likely to be a pleasant event because truthfully we don’t change much when things are going great. When it comes to following the path, it’s important to focus on God the whole way. We know that there is a purpose, or at least something good we take from every experience. Instead of saying we have a problem, instead say we have an opportunity.

Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

3 He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord

Forever.

Trust in God, and trust in the path you find yourself. In the darkness it might be you that’s the light for someone else to see. It might be you in need of help, and it’s someone else’s opportunity to feel useful by helping you. Life is about perspective and changing your perspective will often change the way you feel about a situation.

Expectations

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Expectations

Do you ever ask yourself who you’re trying to please or why? People have so many expectations and it’s nearly impossible to meet them. You may meet or exceed them sometimes, maybe even most of the time, but how quickly we as a people judge more harshly in the failures and forget about the successes. We place unfair expectations on people and the moment they make even the slightest of errors they are ousted as friends, or even in marriage. We forget that we are all sinners, and we all make mistakes. Yes some mistakes are worse then others in our point of view, but in God’s eyes they are all equal. There is no sin greater then another. We forget the importance of forgiveness and grace in our lives. We place unfair expectations on people and then get mad when they don’t live up to what we want. How quickly a person will flip flop as the wind blows. Thankfully God doesn’t do that to us.

I can remember my time in security. We would go weeks or months without a single incident, but the moment anything bad happened security was the first to be blamed for not being around to stop it from happening. Weeks or months without any major incidences soon accounted for nothing, but how quickly things changed in the attitudes at work.

I’ve been putting some thought into what I want in a relationship. As I have watched people come and go, it’s dawned on me that this concept of expectations has become one of fragile eggshells. The slightest miss step and the egg breaks, people get angry and walk away. To that end it begs the question, are we loving one another like we are called to in scripture?  We judge other so quickly, often without any background information, or even a moment to clarify what was said or meant. We find in scripture those who judge are actually wrong for doing so. Matthew 7:1-3“Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”

We as a society, if it weren’t enough to judge so quickly, and flippantly, we not only judge the smallest things, we’ve become a world of shallow physical judgments. While the argument can be made that attraction is important, I submit we have grown to an unhealthy idea of what attractive is and what it isn’t. From movie stars, models, and most others famous people, they now become the standard to what beautiful is. The truth is we are all beautiful. We are wonderfully created by the Lord of the universe. We are special and we must realize that as a pillar of our faith. Christ bled for, died for us, and if we are to be honest about what our expectations should be, it’s simply just to love like scripture commands. It’s time we start to treat people with respect again because we are all the body of Christ connected under the same cross, washed by the same blood.

We must be patient, understanding, and grow closer, not separating over small squabbles. We often miss such amazing blessings because we dismiss others for little to no good reason. Can you take a moment to think what would happen if Christ dismissed us at our slightest transgression? We would have no hope if it weren’t for grace. We are so consumed with “what’s going to work out best for me?” We do this instead of asking what we’re doing, delighting yourself in the Lord! We ought to give grace to others, and take time to truly get to know others, and we need to be patient and stop judging, and placing expectations someone could never live up too. If you’re willing to walk away over the smallest of things, what will happen when someone lets you down with the bigger issues? We are all sinners, we will always fall short, and we must ask ourselves how we would want others to treat us when we falter slightly. Do we want forgiveness, or do we want to be treated in the ways we treat others? Shame on us for being so judgmental that we waiver like a sail in the wind.

It’s so easy to have open and honest communication. It’s so easy to say how we feel when someone lets you down. We don’t live in love even though that’s what we seek. We want others to give us the benefit of the doubt. We want Jesus to show us mercy. Are we living with hearts of mercy, hearts of grace, hearts of love? We aren’t a perfect people, so before you pass judgment on someone quickly, take a moment to think about our expectations and if we are fair and just, or if we are wicked with a cold heart. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 “Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Grace is something we should all show more often. We must learn how to communicate our feelings rather than walking away. When our actions hurt another person, we must learn that even when Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” Speech is not the only form of communication. Body language is 70% of communication. When we turn and walk away we are saying a great deal. We must learn to trust in our faith, and we cannot pass judgments on others based on our own past experiences. One thing I see a lot in relationships is how someone brings baggage from their past and place their insecurities on others. We are told not to recluse ourselves, and it’s important to remember that because God wants us to fellowship with other brothers and sisters in Christ. Do not isolate yourself, and do not force isolation on others. Life up and do not tear down.

 

 

It’s All Laid Out On The Table

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It’s All Laid Out On The Table

I’ve wasted a lot of time on people who would not consider giving me that same amount of time. I’ve spent a lot of time pursuing people in hopes they would one day return that interest. I’ve loved others but rarely received that affection in return. I’ve given nearly everything I was for a marriage, two marriages, in which I was discarded as little more then used trash. It’s not easy going through life getting so little from others, whom you’ve given so much. The fatal flaw however lies with me and my inability to evacuate from relationships that became toxic for me.

I think we have a negative idea of toxic, and sometimes I feel it’s such a twisted idea of what toxic really is. I would argue toxic is anything that causes a divide between you and God. Recently I discussed how things in our lives could be benign to one person but detrimental to others. Someone who bowls on a league may not have any problems with a healthy balance but someone else the league may consume their every thought. Food for some is the enemy even though it’s needed to survive. The same goes for alcohol. Some can consume responsibly, others it would or could destroy their lives. For me, I feel my need for human interaction, and my desire to not be alone, has led me to often loose focus on what’s really important. I have pursued so many and the constant rejection of love and even friendships has left me broken in my bed for many nights on end. My desire to want to feel needed, wanted, loved, has pushed me into darkness. That desire and ignoring obvious signs is what’s become toxic for me.

I don’t understand the desire to play hard to get, or the idea of being aloof. I don’t understand the flippant perspective of relationships in today’s society. I don’t understand how so much is taken for granted, or how little care or thought is placed on another human’s feelings. The pain we cause one another is truly beyond my emotional wheelhouse. I struggle to understand how easy it is to care about ones self so much that without a moment’s hesitation someone is at the bottom of your shoe and you walk on like nothing ever happened.

When people have walked away I try my best not to think the worst about someone leaving. I try to think the best of someone that there has to be a good explanation to why they have been quiet or unreachable for days or weeks on end. Sadly, the most common outcome is just a lack of desire to talk or have any kind or relationship. We are a lost people and our priorities have become completely revolved around sin. When we only care about self and others no longer mater, I assert this is the nature of sin. Sin is about the ‘I’, about self. See for me I have longed for a family, a love that was something special, something strong. I have searched the globe for such a love only to be broken down. All along while I was looking for love in people, I should have been looking for love in Christ. I am a child of God and that kind of love far surpasses anything found in this life. I am slowly realizing I cannot continue to pursue others. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s hard not too. I start my day by sending out a few text messages wishing those in my life a good morning and wishing them a good day. I have done experiments in which I haven’t sent out messages and there was silence for several hours, even days. I will send messages to people I know nearly all day checking on them, seeing how they are doing, offering prayers, but the return is few and far between. I have grown dependent on the communication with others, and now I don’t know how to be just me. I spend time with my thoughts, but often times they scare me. When I start to take time to ponder my life, to evaluate where I am, the silence becomes overwhelming. Somewhere a balance remains, yet it’s elusive. How do we manage the silence when the silence scares us? How do we walk a path when we don’t know if we can do it alone? The simple answer is we aren’t alone. I know many people who are estranged from their families. I know many who were abandoned and left behind from mothers, fathers, friends, spouses, but no matter who may have left you, I assure you the Lord will not. Psalm 27:10 (NKJV)10 “When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me.” What are your dreams, and what is your hearts desire? Have you taken them to the Lord in prayer? Have you given your all to service? Have you received your answer but turned your back on it? We often pray and expect to get what it is we pray for. I have found more often we do get an answer but it’s not what we wanted to hear. I know I have prayed over and over for someone to come my way to meet the desires of my heart. It’s pained me knowing that God has said not yet, or no. I have watched as friends have been alone far shorter then I, that have found someone wonderful for their lives, and I am left feeling like I’m standing still in my life. I have watched as many of my friends are pregnant about to have their child, or are celebrating their pregnancy. I have struggled with sinful envy wishing I had the happiness at least what’s seen on the surface. I know that my feelings and my faith are opposed. My faith tells me to be patient, to wait, to be content in whatever situation God has placed me. My feelings cry out in pain wishing I had someone to cuddle with watching a movie, eating popcorn. I feel like the enemy is at my door and I don’t know how to defend against this kind of attack. I feel the defenses weakening, and I struggle in my prayers not to cry every night. I have felt rejected so often lately that it feels like time itself is my enemy. I feel like my window is ticking by and my hope for a family may not find me. I wonder if I’d missed something in my past I was supposed to do, and catch myself falling down an unhealthy rabbit hole. When you feel all alone and you feel like the worlds turned it’s back on you, let me tell you, the relief is Jesus Christ. When darkness is upon your door and you feel you can’t take anymore, let Jesus be the one to catch you before you fall. (Crash and Burn, Savage Garden) The monsters in your head are the lies of Satan, and when you feel you can’t face the day, cry out to Jesus to save you. I listen to the song Crash and Burn and picture it’s Jesus singing to me.

The world is a cold place, and people can be cruel. I have always hoped to see the best in people and while most often in my life I’ve seen the worst in people, I always try to hold onto love. I know Jesus loves me, and when I reach out to Christ, I am never on hold, I never get a voicemail, and I never get the cold shoulder. I know that Christ always has time for me to listen to my problems, to help me when the days been tough. I know I never have to worry about being ghosted by Christ even though so many people have. I know that I am called to serve, and I have finally come to realize I cannot run forever. I have always wanted to make a difference, and though I didn’t expect it to be this way, I know that when people are in their most vulnerable states, I can be the difference for them. So many years ago in a night of sheer trauma I recall being left alone not sure what to do, where to go, or what to think. As I was a scared little boy left with so many questions, and fear that would go on for miles, I cannot imagine someone being left alone as I once was. I cannot imagine so many lives facing their absolute worst day, and not having anyone to be there with them. While today I reach out to fill a void in my life, I know that one day I might be the only person someone can reach out too. I will live my life differently being reachable and dependable. I will answer the call and I will allow Christ to place me where I am wanted, where I am needed, and I will trust in the plan. While I have a long way to go before I am ready, as Paul trained for 3 years after his encounter with Christ, I too shall go through my own sort of training. Paul trained his whole life for his calling, and when his conversion happened on Damascas Road that was just the graduation from undergrad to graduate. His training with the Apostles would be his masters, and I too walk a similar path. My life of trauma has trained me in a specific way, preparing me for a life of a trauma counselor, and my path to seminary, and God willing, the path to ordination will be the masters degree preparing me to do God’s work.

We can pick up the phone and call people who may or may not answer, but why don’t we pick up the phone and call Jesus for a chat? Why don’t we turn to the one who can truly make a difference in our life? It’s nice to have people around, but when the real problem rests within the heart, we must turn to Christ for the only true healing we will ever receive. I am finding that flooding my life with people, and talking, and distracting myself from the pain inside has only been placing a Band-Aid over my heart. My heart is still hemorrhaging and it’s time for me to wake up and face my pain like a man. I have spent my life either using compartmentalization, or distractions to hide from my responsibility. After my Ex-Wife’s affair the first thing I did was blame myself. The very thought of her being with another man forced my own thoughts to ask what I had done wrong. I completely believed I had done something to drive her there, and I beat myself up. I believed deep down I was a worthless piece of trash, and even two years later there are still remnants of that belief that linger in my heart. I often sit in a room wondering if I’m being judged by those around me. I often wish I would have been able to talk to a woman I saw in the store or a restaurant and fear forces me to leave without saying a word. Once upon a time I would have been able to talk to a stranger, but in my damaged state I find the fear of rejection overwhelming. As I have realized I’ve developed into Agoraphobic with a side order of Social Anxiety Disorder, I now find the result from years of PTSD never treated. Thankfully these combined fears are not debilitating for me. While raised blood pressure, elevated heart rate, a rise in anxiety, and on a very rare occasion a panic attack has occurred, knowing what I fight, I can now start to pray, and face the problems head on. (DSM-V) “Agoraphobia: Marked fear or anxiety about two (or more) of the following five situations:

  1. Using public transportation (e.g., automobiles, buses, trains, ships, planes.)
  2. Being in open spaces (e.g., parking lots, marketplaces, bridges.)
  3. Being in an enclosed placed (e.g., shops, theaters, cinemas)
  4. Standing in line or being in a crowd.
  5. Being outside of the home alone.”

While there is no doubt I fall into that category, I fully understand where those fears come from. The second fear is “Social Anxiety Disorder: Marked fear or anxiety about one or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others. Examples include social interactions (e.g., having a conversation, meeting unfamiliar people), being observed (e.g., eating or drinking), and performing in front of others (e.g., giving a speech)” (DSM-V) Oddly my primary here is conversations and meting unfamiliar people. I can act in a play in front of others, or even give a speech in front of others. My fear is the one on one rejection from people. I think because of my fear being able to meet new people, and fear of being judged I struggle with meeting new people. Strangely this does not apply when I’m working. When I worked in security knowing I had partners, others who had my back in the event anything went bad, I was at ease. I could run towards fire, floods, fights, medical emergencies, with absolutely no negative emotion. I was sure of my ability, and my place in the world. I knew I was good at my job, and I knew I could handle any situation that came. I knew as security I was in control of the situation. When I meet people online I have some version of control over the situation. In person I am more exposed, like I’m holding onto a live wire. In my fear, I turn to scripture. Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)10 “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Christ is the great healer. We cannot expect to heal our hearts alone. We can place things over the wound and try to hope for the best, but under it all the wound festers, and becomes infected. The wound spread throughout the body causing more damage to other areas. In the event I could go back and comfort that little boy left alone, he would have been able to see love, and grace in the light of Christ. He could have heard an explanation and not been forced to make one up on his own. The feelings he faced that night and in the weeks to come would lay the foundation of how he would feel about his life for decades to come. It’s so important to understand our place in this world. Knowing and understanding that the throne of Satan is the earth itself while sin still exists, (Revelation 2:12:13) we are soldiers on the front line. We are faced with facing our fears and being courageous and not allowing our fears or feelings to control us.

“We were made to be courageous, we were made to lead the way!”… “We were warriors on the front lines, standing unafraid, now we’re watchers on the sideline.”  (Courageous by. Casting Crowns)

 I know I cannot stand here afraid of the silence. I know I must face my fears, and not allow the lies of Satan to overwhelm me. I know the only way I will ever stand is on my knees with lifted hands. I know the Lord did not make me to be afraid. I know the Lord did not make a mistake with me. I know I am worthwhile and if people don’t see that, I cannot base my self worth on their opinions. I must be honest about how I feel, but no longer can I sit and pretend I’m okay. It’s all right not to be okay, and in admitting there’s a problem we can face that problem. I trust that God will heal me and I know when I turn to Christ and place my future before my past I will one day truly put my past to bed. When I trust in Christ to heal my heart, I know that the raging sea within my heart, the storm that’s going on deep down in my soul, I know that Christ has the power to calm the storm. In my weakness, I know that God is my power, and I now realize my prayers have been wrong for so many years. So in the spirit of hopefully learning from my past, I propose a new prayer.

Heavenly Father:

I come to you with bended knee, and bowed head. You are the most high, holy, and gracious God. Your authority is absolute and I trust in your purpose. I have seen the light in the storm, and I trust the path. I am thankful for the past and the pain. I pray I may grow and take what I need from those situations, and let go of what I don’t. I hear you call me out my Lord, and I hear your voice clearly in my mind. I hear you say it’s okay, I hear you say my past is forgiven, and I know I don’t want to live in the pain of the past anymore. I pray you strengthen my faith, and give me the way to finally put this behind me. I pray for the fire to burn away the old me, the old me that doubted, that lived a life of fear. I pray the old me is wrapped in your cocoon of love, mercy, forgiveness and the man that walks away is a proud soldier of Christ who can stand tall knowing his worth, knowing who he is humbled before the Lord of the universe. I pray nothing of importance is wasted in that man’s life, and that the haunting that has afflicted me for so long cannot stand against the healing fires of the Holy Spirit. I have spent so much time worrying about how others saw me. I have spent so much afraid to feel because I was afraid how others would view me. I was afraid to come forward because I was afraid of being lashed out against. But my God, my God, you are with me today. My God as my season changes, I know and trust in you. My Lord of all creation, you have shown me truth, and you know my heart. You know my heart and the separation between my heart and my hard head. God I ask for your will be done in my life. I ask the guidance I need to bring you glory in all I do. I am a sinner and I know I’m not worthy and it’s in grace I am blessed. I asked myself so often why they didn’t want me anymore. I grew up my whole life begging for the answer of why people didn’t stick around in my life. I cried so often in my youth, and into my adult life, why people didn’t love me anymore. I cried to you so many nights begging to you to take me in my sleep. I begged you Lord for the answers I would never get. I prayed to you but your answer was always no. You refused to take me home, and even when I was on deaths door you still said not yet. All those years I begged for a father, all those years I begged for someone to love me, it was you all along. Your love is what kept me alive. Your love is why I kept moving forward. Your love was all I ever needed. I was afraid I wouldn’t ever truly know love, but your grace has shown me differently. I haven’t found that love on earth I have sought so long for, but I see now, it’s your love that matters most. Your love has saved, and it’s your love that heals. Your love is enough to push that scared little boys fears away. Your love is the comfort at night. Your love showers over me and you collect my tears. You’re my hope when I feel hopeless. You’re my courage when I’m afraid. I am nothing without you Lord, and I am everything because you have created me.

 I close my eyes and I remember your voice. I feel the jolt in my skin touching every nerve in my body. I feel your power surge through me, and I know I can never be worthy of such a beautiful gift, but as that’s just a small taste of the true power of the most High. Abba, you touched me that day, and now I can only imagine what it will be like when I am by your side. I prayed for a dad, and in my despair you were always there. I prayed for a family and you’ve given me my brother Glen, my brother David, and you’ve rebuilt the relationship with my mother. I am not worthy of these gifts, but I accept them humbly. My King, you watch over me and you bring me comfort, and I cannot express how grateful I am. I have asked for so long who I am. I have searched so long for the place I belonged, and now after so many years crying, feeling hopeless, you have shown me purpose. I see now how you’ve used tragedy to shape a future. Your plan is wonderful, with beautiful grace and strategic balance. Tomorrow the sun will shine, and I know you are Lord over all things. Your will, will be done, and I am thankful for all I have.

God’s In Everything

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God’s In Everything

It’s an amazing feeling knowing that God is in every situation I find myself. Having that faith affirmed is so powerful, I often find it hard to put into words. I know that for whatever reason Christ has a plan for me, a plan to make a difference. I always wanted to make a difference in this world, and after 34 years, a few near death experiences, a few divine interventions, and a whole lot of tears, I finally have made it through the fire to see what all the training was for. In every one of my trials, I have begged God for reasons. Recently I watched as a situation in my life made full circle. A man I never met was at the hospital with my ex-inlaws two years ago. He knew who I was by proxy, and two years later we are united by God’s wonderful plan. I find myself sitting in an office of someone I had never met, but who was praying for me knowing I was gripping to life. How wonderful and small this world is, that in the midst of tragedy God is working things out so out of the ashes a diamond may shine. God waists nothing, and we should remember that it may not be the next day, week, or even a year after a tragedy, but at some point in your life, if you’re walking with Christ, you may find a purpose for it. One day I would like to thank those who were with me this whole week two years ago. I would like to express my deepest gratitude for the hands that helped keep me in this world. I cannot express adequately how I feel, but I know that in my heart, I will be able to honor their service, by serving myself.

Scripture talks about service, and serving others. Luke 6:35 (NKJV) 35“But love your enemies, do good, and lend, [a]hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil.” Service is laying yourself down before God and going where you’re wanted. God never needs us, but if we are delighted at the opportunity to be used by Christ, we should feel honored and humbled to do so. Those in ministry rarely get the thanks deserved, the pay equal to the work that goes in, or the honors that ought to be rendered for their sacrifice to selfless service, but at the foot of the cross those works will not go forgotten. When people serve others, no matter if it’s emergency services, military, or ministry, rarely do the affirmations come along, but God gives enough to keep you moving. Serving is not for the faint of heart, and nor is it for the accolades, but once in a while when you hear how the service of Christ has affected another it’s beautiful.

Philippians 4:8 (NKJV)8 “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” We don’t always know where we must go, or what we must do. It’s important to take time to pray about God’s path for us, so we may open our minds, and our hearts to the Holy Spirit, and listen as we are guided along the path. We know from scripture that those who seek power are foolish, and those who choose to serve are the light of the Lord. Matthew 20:28 “just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” This sentiment is played out by Christ more then once in scripture. Christ is saying here that anyone who dreams of being first ought to be a slave to the last. In John 13:12-1712 “So when He had washed their feet, taken His garments, and sat down again, He said to them, “Do you [b]know what I have done to you? 13 You call Me Teacher and Lord, and you say well, for so I am. 14 If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. 15 For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. 16 Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. 17 If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.” Jesus shows the disciples that no one is above another. No one is greater then another. This is an act of humility shown to us by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Whether we are serving others or being served by others, we must always remember that anyone we come into contact with is a Child of God and we must act accordingly. Everyone we meet we have an opportunity by divine appointment to show compassion, grace, mercy, and kindness. If we don’t get a chance to talk about Christ we must always be a representative and hold ourselves accordingly. We truly are no better then another even if we think we are. We don’t always know what someone is going through, and we have an opportunity as part of God’s wonderful plan to change someone’s day just by being nice. Someone who didn’t know me two years ago prayed for me, and now two years later, I was in his office talking about a position within the very organization that he runs. We never know how things will turn out, so we must act accordingly in every instance.