Tag: IED’s

Explosive Memories

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Explosive Memories

I try not to think about it most of the time. I remember the sounds, the sights, even the smell of sulfur. I can remember each incident and as much as I try not to think about it, there are days. The struggle for veterans returning home from war can vary differently from one to the next. For me I have spent years facing my demons. Behind every uniform is a story. My story hasn’t ended, but my time in uniform has. The wounds left behind leave scars and those don’t ever go away. I can remember one explosion after another, and from the way it feels as the blast goes through you. I remember the fear I would face while on patrol, trying to stay focused, but in those memories, I sadly brought them home with me. My time in war fundamentally changed me, and because of that, because of how I was changed, I find some days I struggle to enjoy some of the same things other people like.

The other day I was driving to work and found myself in a traffic jam. Most people would perhaps be a little frustrated, but me, there’s a level of fear, and that fear turns to anger. I am terrified of sitting in traffic because I am not in control at all. I am afraid of being caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am afraid of the trash on the side of the road. I’m afraid of the crowds I encounter while I’m out in public. I’m afraid of the movie theater. I’m afraid of the mall. I’m afraid of being caught ill prepared. In my life I have spent a lot of time focusing on the what ifs, planning for the emergencies to be as prepared as possible. I have to hope that in the darkness of this world, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Revelation 21:4“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

 John 16:33“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” In my day, I am haunted by the memories of my past. I have struggled to let go, and remember that Christ overcame the world. His blood set me free, and though my trials my be today, my Heaven is tomorrow. Living with PTSD isn’t always easy, but we keep pushing forward. Dealing with the day-to-day strife can lead your heart to feel heavy. We must not focus on the cant’s, or why something is too hard, we need to focus on what we can do. John 14:1“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” Though my past and my grief haunt me, I must thank the Lord for the love and mercy that’s placed upon me every day. Jesus has offered me everything, and I can’t let the pain of yesterday turn my focus. The Devil tries to distract me, lie to me, prey on my weaknesses, and I will admit, some days he gets his claws in and it’s all I can do to push him away. Don’t forget the purposes of our true journey. Keep pushing forward and focus on today, not yesterday.

I think back to the day I was something in my own eyes, and when the tornado struck my life and ruin was left in it’s wake, I think back to how foolish I was to think my happiness could last. I placed my self worth on those around me. I placed my happiness in the hands of others, to include family, friends, and my wife. I trusted all the wrong people, and putting my faith in the world, thinking if I walked the walk, talk the talk, prayed the prayers, that I might be spared the hardships of another divorce or worse. The thing is when you are strong in your faith, the Devil attacks, and he attacks, and he’s relentless to see how long he can push you till you break. How much  can you take before you curse God, turn your back, and walk deeper down the dark path.

No matter the hardships you’ve endured, the horrors you’ve seen, you need to remember who the true enemy is at the end of the day. Put not your faith in man for we are fickle and swayed easily, but put your faith in the Lord for God is never changing, and always we are found in God’s love and grace. The road is long, but the blessings of tomorrow outweigh the pain of today.

Starting the day, Ending the day 

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Starting the day, Ending the day 

You wake up one morning and the day starts off all wrong. Murphy’s law kicks in and everything that can go wrong does? Perhaps that’s an exaggeration but I know you get the picture. So a little while ago one night I only got a few hours of sleep before I had to get up and head to work. I knew I didn’t feel well and before I got to work on my hour drive my stomach started to do summersaults. When I got to work I realized I didn’t have my badge to get myself in. Upset stomach and at least 40 minutes before I could get into the building I was miserable. I felt awful. I could start feeling beads of sweat on my forehead. I honestly felt like I was going to pass out, and I started feeling sick to my stomach. Thankfully all that eventually worked out and I started to feel better. But, of course the day I feel awful is the day that everything’s going on. Several meetings, a complaint, packages, and all the while I just want to return to my bed.

The day continued on, and I received a phone call from an unexpected source. I hesitated to decide what to do with it. Eventually I reached out to the caller. That’s when my entire day started to change. The air changed, and I had no idea how much my life would change by the end. When I got home I knew I needed to work out a problem so I called each one of my credit cards and asked for a $200 increase to cover an unexpected bill that came up. Sadly, each of them declined the increase. Over the last year the battle for a medical bill with the VA, and other unfortunate financial situations may have damaged my credit a great deal. Finances and biblical teaching on them is another blog for another time. I had no idea what I was going to do, or how I was going to pay that bill, and I needed to figure it out in less then an hour.

I went to dinner and my guest actually picked up the tab. Dinner was my idea, but they were very gracious to pay for it. We talked and as the conversation continued to grow, I could feel the work ahead to that particular relationship was going to be both heartbreaking and rewarding at the same time. Either way, talking was a positive direction I couldn’t do anything else but praise God. The day would continue to have a few positive surprises. The unexpected bill was only half of what originally thought so the extra coverage on the credit card wasn’t actually needed. The conversation continued for a while and it seemed positive albeit full of pain, it was still better then not at all.

By the end of the day I felt as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The future was still unclear as ever, but it was clear that God was working in my life, and allowing things to happen that would set a new path. We must continue to have faith in what we can’t see and understand that our path is never set in stone. One thing I’ve learned though is no matter how long the storm last no matter how long it rains, no matter how wet we are, God’s right there beside us looking up to the storm clouds. I recently heard a song for the first time by Casting Crowns; Praise you in this storm

 I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.

 I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.

 I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone how can I carry on
If I can’t find you

 No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

 This is only small cut of that song, but you can see how powerful the lyrics are. I have often felt like the cloud was following me day-to-day, month-to-month, but even as the storm rages on around me and in my heart, God’s always there with us. Isaiah 43:2 “2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.” The faith to truly walk with the Lord and cast our fears and doubts aside is not an easy road and it’s one few will walk. To truly trust in the lord to see us through, to give up the fear and doubt and disbelief is something most will never manage to achieve. The truth is though a God that created the heavens and the earth, a God that created such a perfect creation, that same God that can cast down plagues, can also provide great comfort and ease the suffering of the sick. Psalm 91:1-6 “He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. 3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. 4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. 5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; 6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.” In our battles we will be protected by God’s shield, the Angels Wings, we shall have light in the night to scare away the things that creep in the dark. We will have the protection we need because that protection is promised to the faithful. We will undergo tribulations, but in those trials the protection of the lord can give up to the hopeless, give peace to the restless.

In all things God is in the trenches with us. In those time where we just barely escape unharmed, or we realize a situation could have been worse, or we start to see the blessings, the beautiful things that remain even in the most dismal of situations, we see signs everywhere we look that God is still with us. The Apostle Peter was imprisoned and one night an Angel visited him in the cell and placed him in a trance. The Angel had Peter follow as each gate was opened and each guard was removed from the path to have a clear exit from the prison. Acts 12:5-17

We may not get the Angel treatment every day, but I’m sure everyone myself included has felt the presence of one before.

September 12th 2004 the mission started bright and early. The convoy departed and as my Humvee was second in line it was game time. The plan went off the rails less then 10 minutes into it. The IED (Improvised Explosive Device) would be sure to change that. Without going into the whole story the important part was when the bullet first hit my door and both hands flung to the steering wheel the calm that came over me, the peace, the reassurance that things were going to be fine was undeniable. The RPG’s fired; the countless IED’s the sheer number of insurgents guiding us through an elaborate ambush none of them would make a solid hit to do enough damage to stop either of the two Humvee’s involved. The wings of an Angel were protecting us, the hands of the Angel was guiding my hands to keep up and go where I needed to, to avoid being struck by a direct impact from an RPG, take too much damage from bullets, or even a devastating IED to stop the truck. We took a great deal of damage, no fluids where left in the engine except gas, 3 of 4 tires were blown out by bullets and RPG shrapnel, power steering was gone, but despite all the bullets to the engine we still kept running, right up till my foot came off the gas after we reached safety. As soon as we were towed into the base and we were able to get out of the Humvee the realization of what just happened hit me. I felt like Peter during the jailbreak, in a daze, not fully away, but aware of what was going on around me. I was calm, at peace, confident in my actions. Facing over 100 insurgents and taking that much damage the odds were not in our favor, yet we managed to overcome them anyway, and made it out alive.

I love movies where the odds are so bad, so unrealistic that even the main characters things their chances are bad, but reading scripture and seeing how often the odds weren’t in the victors favor yet God was with them I realize that Odds are just that Odds, that’s not a sure thing, and it doesn’t predict the outcome. We will never be able to know for sure how our day will go after it starts. Even in the most trying of times and the worst of days, it only takes an instant to turn all that around. God has a plan, God’s working on the plan even when we can’t or don’t see it. The faith we need to get through our day is that of trust in what we can’t see. Hebrews 11:6 “But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.” No matter what our day looks like we must trust that in the right time the faithful shall be rewarded. Luke 1:37 “For with God nothing shall be impossible.” It’s in that time we must understand that we don’t’ have to understand. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” Praise God for answered and unanswered prayers. We must have faith in and out of the storms. We must understand that the puzzle isn’t complete and we see only a piece at a time. The future can be so much more then we can ever imagine if we trust that our future will be what God wants it to be if we trust in Him.

 

 

 

 

 

The Glitter In Your Head

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The Glitter In Your Head

When we experience a trauma, or a lot of stress in our lives sometimes our minds feel like a jar of glitter. If you’ve ever looked at a snow globe after it’s shaken that’s how our minds get sometimes. The key is to remember that after you shake it and shake it, no matter how hard or soft you shake it the glitter always settles back to the bottom. Our minds are the same way. No matter how hard you shake it; no matter how bad a situation is in the moment the glitter will settle. We have to remember that although we can’t see the center of the jar once it’s shaken, is like us not being able to see out once our jar’s been shaken. But no matter what, we can see the outside in time.

God loves us, and promises us that we will go through suffering in our lives, we will be faced with trials, and sometimes really bad things happen to us. “Loves never met a lost cause. Mercy says you don’t have to jeep rubbing down the road you’re on.” (Casting Crowns) No matter what happens Jesus will always be walking beside you.

A few years ago (more then a few) I was on a mission in Iraq. During that mission my wingman truck along with my own were drawn into a well planned insurgent ambush. I can remember clearly seeing the very large IED (Improvised Explosive Device) on the side of the road just feet from my door as we drove by it. It was only moments later I saw in the distance as the truck in front of me, my friends, my brothers where gone in the smoke from two explosions. The whole situation seemed so surreal it was hard to imagine the truth of what was happening that very moment. I remember thinking why am I here; it only lasted but a fleeting second. The sound of pop, pop, pop, in the distance, and less then a second later I could see a puff of dust on my hood. Still driving with only one hand I heard the metal on my door take an impact. In my head I thought, ‘were really being shot at’. The sound of the Mk-19 above me started firing. Both hands on the wheel I focused on the road. The calm that surrendered over my body, the warmth that filled my hands, the ease in which the thoughts came as to where I needed to go, what I needed to do. The hand of Jesus Christ was on me that morning. While some may claim the peace and calm was all the training I respectfully disagree. Although our training was fantastic I don’t think any amount of training can prepare you for the first time you experience combat, when someone else, or a lot of someone’s is actively trying to kill you. Think about that for a second. In all your life have you ever had someone attempt to kill you, actually shoot in your direction with such hatred and malice they wanted you to die? I’d be willing to bet the overwhelming answer is very few. As one IED after another was detonated, and several RPG’s were fired and just barely missed my Humvee, I could feel the change in the wheel. We’ve lost tires, I didn’t know it yet, but by the end we’d loose 3 of our tires, each were shredded from the bullet and RPG shrapnel. Later I’d learn that the tanks were hit that stored the oil, the power steering, even my wiper fluid reservoir was damaged. As soon as my foot came off the gas the truck died, and wouldn’t start again for weeks. Gods grace allowed us to exit the combat zone alive and uninjured.

Peace was with me; the calming affect was beyond words. Because of the grace of God I was able to keep my wits and calmed the storm that should have been going on inside. Keeping your wits about you is a hard thing to do sometimes. 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” We shall know God by faith, not by sight. We shall know peace by grace, not hate. Matthew 5:44 “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;” We shall know protection like we can’t imagine. This life we live is fleeting, only but a moment, a vapor of smoke that disappears quickly. James 4:14 “14 whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.” Above all no matter where you go and what toils and troubles and trials you face know that the Lord of all is with us, watching us, protecting us. Isaiah 43:2  “When thou passest through the waters, I [will be] with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.”

Remember your life as a glitter jar, and no matter how shaken you are, find peace and comfort in the Lord. Find a way to steady the ship, calm the storm, and let the snow globe settle in your mind. The next problem will be just around the corner, make sure you’re ready for it when that day comes.