Tag: Hopeless

Isolated, But Not Alone

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Isolated, But Not Alone

Friends get scattered by the wind.

Loyalty means little to most. 

Truth is relative.

Morality is antiquated. 

So much change out there with how we view others. So much change with how we view even some of the simplest of beliefs and ideologies. We lose our way so easily. Moses was not gone long before the people forgot how God delivered them, yet found comfort in a golden café. How quickly do we move on from the good things we’ve had? How quickly the grass fades and the other side looks nice and lush. How quickly our spouse becomes old and no longer exciting so we seek the next best love of our lives. How fast do we get the newest gadget that the next is released and ours seems antiquated. And friends, how quickly do they disappear when you no longer have anything to offer. 

It’s easy to run towards to great sales in this life, but as scripture says, Matthew 6:19 “19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal;” 

I have been in quarantine now for a little while. I have enjoyed some nice messages, some thoughtful food drop off’s, and some calls. It’s made me consider, while I have received these things, there are a great many who after nearly two weeks have not returned my message. Those who say they’ll there, but never are. Those who claim to be there when it’s needed. And while I’m not complaining for the Lord has provided, it does force me to ask, if there were a time needed, isolation would probably be a good time to be available. Again, I’m not complaining, but if this is happening to me, I wonder how many people out there have less than I do. How many people go on suffering alone, wishing those would reach out, but never do. Indeed, it has become a time where we are the most accessible, but the least reachable. A time when a phone call is no longer the norm, but instead, hidden under the pillow. A time when messages can be seen day or night, but set to ignore. Indeed, a society so busy, our priorities are no longer each other, but something else entirely. 

There is a reason isolation is considered to be a psychological torture. We are not meant to be alone for long periods of time. The truth is, that time is different for everyone. Everyone has a threshold and sadly, in these dark times, the mental health crisis is worse than it has been in a long time. My own experience has not been as bad as it could have been, but while there were a few that I expected to be around, that weren’t, I know that others out there have a far different experience. Are we truly doing our best to bare one another’s burdens when needed? Are we letting down those friends when we say “lean on me.”? I am sure I’ve not been there as I should have, and while I cannot think of any times right off the top of my head, I would gladly own up to it, and attempt to make it right. 

If this experience has taught me anything, it’s some people, even those you would never expect, will not always be there for you when you need them to be. Certainly, as difficult as it may be to stomach, there is but one we can count on, rely on, in our time of need and crisis, and that’s Jesus Christ. I cannot imagine what life for Paul would have been like, going to prison after prison, beating after beating, stoning after stoning, all in the name of Christ. I cannot imagine how difficult those times would have been, but through it all, Paul says the Lord’s grace is sufficient. The Lord gives us everything we need to get through every situation. The great provider. He may not give us what we expect, or even in the manner in which we expect it, but we have everything we need. To those out there alone, I say this, keep reaching out. The Lord will provide to you someone who is willing to listen, able to help you bare that cross. Don’t lose hope. Friends, if you think you have let someone down, reach out to them. It’s never too late to remind someone you care. Keep pushing on in this tumultuous time. The Lord will see you though. 

Giving Yourself Away

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Giving Yourself Away

It starts of small, just once, just a little bit, and that’s when it takes hold. We give up one small piece of our principles, and then another, and before long the black and white becomes gray. The fall doesn’t always happen quickly, sometimes it’s a slow moving enemy that creeps along scrapping at your heart a little at a time.

We often stand on our principles determined not to give in to temptations of this fallen world. We see the fall happening all around us. We see public figures from government to Hollywood getting caught with their principles around their ankles. We see politicians accepting bribes, actors turning to drugs and more and more sex candles rock the new like never before. We have watched as our nation endures the slow fade in what is now accepted on this earth and ignoring the once proud biblical principles we once stood strong on.

We face temptations and the first time we tell ourselves ‘It’s okay, just this once.” We have taken the step into the quicksand. Sin can be described many different ways. Sometimes a major event can alter perceptions, but I like to think those circumstances are more rare. I think sin is more like boiling a frog. The water is cool when the frog is dropped in so the frog doesn’t notice anything is wrong. As the water heats (as sing grows and spreads) by the time the frog realizes anything is wrong it’s too late, the damage is done. (We find ourselves buried under the mound of sin.)

So many marriages that end due to affairs you see the near identical timelines. “It started off very innocent and we were just friends.” The slow draw of sinful lust can creep in untamed yet slowly as to not draw attention to the danger ahead. Most affairs could be snuffed out with a single choice to walk away. The little steps that make the right and wrong to an ambivalence for those their actions may affect. The truth is sin attacks at each of our hearts differently. The choices we made “there’s a price to be paid, people never crumble in a day.”(Slow Fade, Third Day)

I’ve lived with a broken heart twice as I’ve seen thoughts betray a promise made but not kept. I’ve watched the life I had crumble away. The heart was betrayed, lied to by desire, fooled by lust, and choices made destroyed so much more then a home. I’ve seen drugs take hold of people’s lives with the lies and promises that the substance make them feel better. But eventually the affects of the drugs wear off and more is needed. Then more, and before you know it you’re chasing one high to the next unable and unwilling to handle life. What seemed benign at first slowly turned to tear down the walls of everything you held most dear.

Do now allow the darkness to grab hold. Don’t allow yourself to fall victim to the thoughts that pull you away from Christ. Once down the dark path though hope is never lost, you don’t want the veiled promises. You can’t trust the lies, the whispers from the Devil. The price paid for the retched path is high. “The bill comes due, always.” (Dr. Strange) We don’t need to face those horrible consequences if we stay on the path laid out by Christ. Turn away form lies, and turn away from adultery. Stay away from hate, and don’t give into the fear. We must learn to praise God in the sun, or the rain. We must pray joy, peace, love, but if there’s a storm we must we must pray that no matter where we find ourselves we do it all for the glory of God.

God shines down from heaven today, and no matter what your situation is on this day, raise your hands to the sky, praise Jesus for the life we have. Find hope that the storm will settle, or the meadow is peaceful. Wherever the road takes you today, trust and praise Jesus. While you draw breath there is always hope. Never give up hope on God for the calm waters might be just around the river bend.

A Journey In The Darkness

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A Journey in the darkness

Psalm 91:4 “He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.”

The joys of this life can be easily snuffed out in the mists of dark days, of struggles, and of heartbreak. When the days get you down you have to be strong. It’s so easy to fall into darkness and despair. I’ve seen it happen in my own life, and in the lives of many that I know. Despair is a dangerous and sometimes deadly trap. Despair can easily turn into quicksand and drag you down, and must like the Dementors in the famed Harry Potter books, it can suck the happiness right out of your lungs and make you feel like you’ll never be happy again. One thing in my own life I’ve found is how fickle some friends can be. Since my gun shot wound a year ago I’ve found more and more friends are fickle and come around only when they want something, or they are bored and know you’ll be there as a last resort.

While there’s no doubt that this hurts, and I know I can’t be the only person that goes through this, what hurts the most is the exodus that’s occurred. While I realize that bullet changed my life, and while I am responsible, the feeling of loss from the mass abandonment that was left behind is heart breaking. Now over a year later, I’ve had another exodus from obvious different causes, but never the less the pain is the same. This presents a new kind of struggle, and yet again staring at the brink of darkness, and once more unto the breach. The war continues and as there is a great sense of loss, I am left with one undeniable fact, that I am not alone. Though the case may be that while physically and emotionally I am or feel alone, God is always there with me. While this doesn’t take away the desire and drive to meet someone special, or want to make new local friends, it does prevent me from falling into complete and total despair.

I know at the end of the day when I’m feeling down and I’m feeling blue, I know that my future is much brighter then it appears because I know that my Abba is looking out over me. I swore no matter how bad it got I would never stair down the wrong side of that circumstance again, and that I would be an advocate for finding another way. There is always hope as long as we breath, and while I am lonely, while my Christmas wish is to find love, and to not being alone anymore, and to make some good local friends, I know that God is with me and in time, those things will be mine, because it’s what my deepest desire is from my heart. I may not always makes the right choices, but I try to.

If you’re feeling despair this season reach out, find someone. If you’re happy as can be this holiday season, reach out to your friends or family that are having a hard time. Don’t forget this is both the happiest time of year, and often the saddest. Faith is so important, and even when it’s sometimes hard, don’t loose hope, and never give up. Don’t ever forget that you can be protected under Angels wings, and your God, the King of all is powerful enough to handle any situation, every tear, every cut, you aren’t suffering through it alone. God is not just watching, God experiences it all with us. Rest assure you will make it out, and one day you will make it home, a home of pure perfection.

 

 

 

Breaks my Heart

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Breaks my Heart

Going into this holiday season it breaks my heart to think about all those people out there who are suffering, who’ve lost everything, who feel hopeless. It breaks my heart to think about all those people who are without homes, without family, and have so much less then I do. I was just in Hawaii and the number of homeless is staggering. I’ve been all over the world and I’ve seen what poverty looks like up close. I’ve seen homes made of mud and no floors. I’ve seen houses made of scrap metal and tin, and we in America take for granted many of the gifts we have. It breaks my heart those who suffer from heartbreak this time of year. How many people suffer through divorce, or death, or loss of jobs this time of year? This time of year is hardest on people, and also the most joyful, but we can’t forget what it’s all about.

 

It’s hard being alone not having someone to share this time of year with. I miss going Christmas shopping, and cuddling by the fire watching Christmas movies. I miss sharing a glass of eggnog, and awaiting the look on my love’s face when they open the perfect gift. It’s a hard time for me this year, and even as hard as it is for me, I know others, many, many others, have it so much then myself. I feel more connected to the suffering of others this year then I have in the past.

 

This time of year we remember the goodness in our lives. We remember that the Son of the Lord was born and we celebrate the birth of our Savior. We celebrate the birth of a Child that would grow to take our sins upon himself and pay for our sins in innocent blood. The Lord blesses us every day and we often take those blessings for granted. When I look at all the suffering in this world I feel so small, what can I possibly do?

 

When I was in Hawaii recently I looked around and realized how blessed I was. I was in a wonderful place, with beautiful caring people, and I thought about those who where far worse off then me. All we can do is believe that God’s in charge and have faith that it’s working out. We have the ability to change the lives of those around us, if we just have the eyes and the heart to fight for change. We can’t always change or save everyone, but we can try.

 

Remember this time of year isn’t about the shiny baubles, the gifts, the shiny lights and colors, it’s about the good will towards your fellow neighbors. It’s about celebrating the birth of our savior Jesus Christ. We need to take a step back from the commercials, the drive to shop till you drop, and all the other things that draws your attention from the true beauty of our holiday. Of course enjoy the holiday and all that goes will, just make sure you don’t loose that focus. Take a little thought and pray for those who are less fortunate. It’s cold this time a year and there are families without food, without heat, and many without a home. Pray for them, and do something nice. Good will towards your fellow humans. Be kind, and be generous.

Insomnia

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Insomnia

I lay away at night, so much on my mind, the days, the weeks the months. Bitter sweet for the end, the signature and ink on the line, and that’s it, all that time just vanishes. Was I a failure? I ponder the days that draw near, the move, and even maybe someone. It’s 0100 and I’ve been up for an hour. I slept for an hour and awoke for no apparent reason.

It’s not often I can’t sleep at night. They say when you can’t sleep write down what’s on your mind and get it out. While for me it’s very clear what it is, I have to keep in mind that this is a season of change for me. While there’s plenty in my life that’s a mile beyond complicated I am trying to stay focused on the things I can change, and let go of the things I can’t.

The serenity prayer has been influential tonight, but sleep still eludes me. What do some of you do when you can’t sleep? Do you try the warm milk, count sheep, get out of bed and pace around? Do you turn on the TV, or read, or write in a journal? I’m generally curious.

Philippians 4:6-7 “Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks.  Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus.”

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

Proverbs 3:24 “When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.”

Psalms 4:8 “I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, Lord, only makest me dwell in safety.”

 A prayer for sleep: My God my God, I lay awake and worry has my mind. I ask for clarity and peace of mind to allow me to sleep tonight. I am thankful for the many blessings I have. I’m thankful for the new path in front of me, and I’m thankful for the special person you’ve put into my life. Even though I may be restless tonight, I am grateful for all I have. As tomorrow is the closing of an era, I pray strength to continue to move forward. While I will have more bad days to come, I know that peace can be found in knowing you’re still in control. For those who are broken and can’t find the strength to get up off the floor, I pray your peace finds them and me. The days come and go, and I know that though my road is long, the dawn will come and everything will be all right. We are more the choices that we make; we are more then the sum of our past mistakes. Through Christ we are forgiven and even when we don’t deserve that forgiveness, that grace, we are loved beyond anything we can ever understand. Don’t let worry and doubt, and regret keep you up at night. Breathe and let go. Now go get some sleep!