Tag: hope

The silence of the …..

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The silence of the …..

I’ve been thinking about my life and how I’ve gotten form A to B to C over these years. I remember when I was in 5th grade there was a lovely girl I was completely smitten with. The crush had lasted longer then just 5th grade but that’s when the feelings grew stronger. The feelings were more of a detriment then a blessing, in fact, they weren’t a blessing at all. Late in the year someone found out about those feelings and as things went pre internet, the whole grade knew before the end of recess, and the teasing began. It wasn’t because of her though, she was beautiful and popular, and every guy liked her. No, sadly the teasing was because of me, who I was. The teasing came because I wasn’t popular, I wasn’t handsome, I was nerdy, and I didn’t fit in very well. The teasing continued the rest of the year, never relenting. I even fell for the cruel joke that she wanted me to kiss her on the playground. They talked me into it, and needless to say it didn’t go well.

Over the next few years in school I met another women, and she was different. Not so different that I actually stood a chance, but sadly by the middle of 7th grade I would accidently let slip the woman who held my affection, and once again I became the laughing stock on the grade. I couldn’t catch a break. I was tortured for 3 years straight because I was different, because it was funny that I would like someone I stood no chance with, and when she was told, it brought her nothing but embarrassment. Of course though, who wouldn’t be? I wasn’t special in anyway, I wasn’t cool, I was more of an annoyance to those around me. Kids would hit me when I wasn’t looking, toss me around, push me and shove me into lockers and into people. I even experienced a swirly in my 7th grade year. That was the epitome of becoming the laughing stock of the school. The stares from kids of all grades, the whispers as I passed by, the chuckles and laughter reminded me daily of the shame I felt stepping foot in that school, or even out of my house. To say I became self conscious would be an understatement, I became horrified to be seen out and about, and I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I believed I was an ugly person, I believed no one would ever love me, I believed I would be alone forever, not a simple belief, no, a belief that would make it’s home deep down in my heart, the place the deep most powerful feelings reside.

Over the years things would improve but only just slightly. When I would finally move away I’d find a new home, a new school, and new chances. Although it never would end well for me, I continued to try and continued to try and put myself out there. Success wouldn’t be measured all that well, and fast forwarding 15 years, I’d say my luck hasn’t improved at all. Although what few friends I have left constantly tell me to be patient, and they are always telling me when someone walks away from me, or blows me off it’s their loss. As I recently stated before I can’t stand that saying.

Knowing what we feel inside, and fighting that feeling we hold deep inside is never easy. All we can do is know that we are children of the King, and what matters most is what God thinks of us. Even though we cannot see or feel or touch God, and we may want the affections of another person more then anything in this world, we can only close our eyes, silent our mind and pray. Quieting our mind is difficult. It takes practice, and it takes training. Matthew 6:6 “But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” A truth is found in Psalm 1 “Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. 2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. 3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. 4 The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away. 5 Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. 6 For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish.” It’s hard, but you have to remind yourself that the truth is not what others thing, or what you think, it’s what God the Almighty thinks of you. It’s a wonderful thing when we can let go of the pain in your heart. It’s special when you can feel the weight lifting off your shoulders. Even though I’m not there yet, I hope one day, I may be. I hope one day the demons that haunt me can finally be wiped away. The day may come, but sadly, the strength to do so escapes me today. Remember to always try and silence the negative feelings, try and put them away and look towards the sky and see the wonder of the stars, and remember that as infinite as the stars are, so are the possibilities. Just pray and pray, and work towards a brighter future.

 

Don’t Short Change Yourself

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Don’t Short Change Yourself

It’s not uncommon for someone recovering from an affair, or even after a long relationship to second-guess yourself. It’s easy to blame yourself, and feel at fault for the relationship falling apart. It’s easy to look back at your relationship and pick out everything you did wrong. It’s too easy to only focus on what you did wrong because they left you. One of the things that I’ve heard a lot lately is “it’s their loss.” I’m not sure I truly understand that. It seems to me if they felt they were loosing anything they wouldn’t have left. Even when time has gone by and they still haven’t come home, they obviously don’t feel they’ve lost anything. When time passes by and you don’t have anyone talking to you, no one shows interest, and you haven’t managed to score a date in all that time, yes, the simple truth is, it’s easy to fall into despair.

When you read through the life of David here’s a man that struggled with depression for most of his life. He fought years of depression and struggled with the regrets, the losses, the battles. David made some horrible mistakes, but also achieved a great amount. David was considered to be a man after God’s own heart. The choices we make define us. When we look into the fractured mirror and we no longer recognize who we are, it’s a miracle we need. We need to be able to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. What we need is Jesus. God wants for who we are in his eyes to be who we are. We can always turn our life around. We can always make the choice to turn back away from the self we don’t know for the self washed in the light of the Lord. Our new body, our new soul starts with allowing the worst parts of us to burn away in the flames of trials. God wants us with our scars, our shortcomings and our broken hearts. God knows we can be used no matter what our past may be. While this world races by sometimes far to fast, it’s clear that we are meant to be wherever we are, and all God wants is for us to see Him, to know Him, to cry out to Him, and above all trust in Him.

We may not always see it, we may not see our own self worth because perhaps we allowed someone’s acceptance of us to dictate our worth. Perhaps our jobs defined us, our status, or any other worldly viewpoint. We can’t change what the future may hold, but all we can do is define who we are by who we want to be. We are the masters of our own fate, by being a person that God would be pleased with. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;” No matter the pain we suffering through it all we choose how we treat others. We may struggle, but if we hurt those around us, blame everyone else, we are no better then those who persecute us.

Psalm 34:17-20 “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.” We must always remain faithful in our belief that God is with us. It’s in that belief that we can stand firm in the winds of change, stand firm when the ground breaks apart beneath our feet and still not fall. When we seek the Lord for answers, when we seek help, we can find it in Psalm 23 “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

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 While life can take it’s toll and it can land many solid punches, it’s up to us to hold ourselves up with as much dignity as we can muster. It’s easy to let the Devil win and feel badly about ourselves. Self pity is easy to get into but we can face the beast and come up head held high. Simply put, don’t short change yourself, keep your head high and know that you’re on the winning side. Keep your faith strong, and remember that God is with you always.

Love Always, Always Love

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Love Always, Always Love

Where’s your salvation? Christ is our light, our rock, our only path. I’m a sinner, I’m a failure, I’m a success, I’m a lover. I’m occasionally a hypocrite, but as I fall short of the grace of God I know that my path will lead me to Christ because I know I need Christ, my only way to eternal love and grace. I am sometimes wayward, I am sometimes broken, but as promised God has never left me. When your lost and you see the world crumble around you come back to Christ, he will protect you. Believe in Christ with all you are, all your heart, and the Gates of heaven will be open for you when it’s your time. Never stop living for Christ. Never stop loving, never stop forgiving and never stop reading the word. Don’t put God in a box. Don’t expect grace if we don’t give grace. Don’t expect love if we don’t love. We must love God, we must glorify God, we must live like Christ would. Have the faith to follow, have the faith to jump off that cliff, have faith to take that leap. Follow, and don’t let fear keep you standing still. God chooses those who need the push. Let God work through you. We are nothing without Christ in our lives. Love like Christ loved us to give his life. Live like Christ lived to create our eternal home in perfection. Forgive others like Christ forgave us for the unspeakable acts we committed. Have compassion like Christ had compassion on those who tortured him, and the thief who hung from the cross next to him. It’s never too late to turn around from the path you’re on. It’s never too late to try and fix a mistake made. It’s never too late to apologize for those you’ve hurt, those you’ve let down. And always learn to forgive yourself.

 

Survive To Thrive

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Survive To Thrive

In any life I’ve lived my life surviving one pitfall after another. I’ve faced death more then most and yet no matter the bitterness of the icy cold truth, I struggle as of late to see the bright future that waits. When I look back I have not seen long periods of peace in the war. The tragedies that have befallen my life have come like the rain, one drop after another. The storm rages on and I fear that tomorrow may not be as bright as I once hopped. The forces that surround me threaten to drag me down into the darkest depths. While these many days I’ve suffered many setbacks, I now am forced to retreat and regroup trying to decipher the new road being laid in front of me. I cannot see the path for it is dark and full of haze. The path before me seems as dark and treacherous as I fear. For every course I have peered, the thistles and thorns have covered it before my very eyes. Now, a new direction is needed, but it seems my compass is broken.

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The day rises and the fight begins again. By day the phone calls start, and the messages are left. No answers by time the sun sets, just more time waiting, wondering what my future holds. As my past has been a constant fight to stay afloat, it seems now, truly for the first time, I no longer know where to go, or what to do.

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What do we do when we know not what the future holds? Who do we turn to for help, for guidance, our guide through the darkness? The only thing we can do is breath, and trust, have faith in the Lord. On this day I feel much like doubting Thomas, or little faith Peter. Matthew 14:31 “And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” When Peter stepped from the boat he was trusting, but when things began to look bad, he lost his faith and fell into the waters. Thomas doubted the risen Christ and demanded to stick a finger into his side where the spear had pierced the side of Christ.

It’s not easy to have faith when the stage is set and it’s full of darkness. It’s not easy to stay focused on the now when you cannot seem to escape. We must learn to have faith no matter the situation we find ourselves. Not an easy feat, but an important one never the less. James 1:6 “But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.” Some days all we can do is to take a deep breath and pray. We may not get the answers we need when we want them, but all we can do is have faith in God’s plan for us. We must have faith because the alternative isn’t pretty. Prepare for the fight ahead, but hope for the best.

We can hope that our reward for faithfulness is to make it through the wilderness and find ourselves being blessed. We don’t know how long it will take, but we know that the path is littered with turmoil and pain. The end can either be full of pain, or it can be full of cheer, it is up to us where we put our faith. While this doesn’t tell me where to go or which direction to take, I will pray about it, and hope that I hear back from the big guy upstairs.

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While I had been reflecting about my past, present, and looking to the future, I realized it had been a little while since I’d talked with one of my best and oldest friends. Upon realizing she was gone, Facebook was gone, among others. No warning, no phone call, no goodbye, just gone. I don’t know what lesson I’m supposed to learn, what I’m supposed to do, but in the last year I’ve lost all my close friends, I’ve lost my job, I’ve lost my health, I haven’t achieved any wins, and I haven’t been able to improve my situation. I just can’t seem to catch a break. I pray this season changes soon, because I honestly don’t know how much more loss I can take.

 

 

Not According to Plan

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Not According to Plan

Why is life so hard sometimes? Why do we fail, or hurt? When we don’t live up to who we think we should be, why is it so hard to stand back up? Why is the path in the light so hard? Why do people talk, why do people lie, why do people hurt? When the world around you falls to pieces, why can’t we ever put it back together? When we know what is right, when we know where to go, but feels like where stuck in the mud, or quicksand sinking the more we struggle. A heart in pieces, a dream crushed, but when our world falls, we turn to the heavens and shake our fists. What is God? What is faith? What is our life? God stays the same yesterday and tomorrow. God granted free will and because of that in the fallen world, people make selfish choices that often hurt others. We loose sight of our path that isn’t our path at all, but Gods path. God will lift us up and guide us if we only let go of our own selfish desires and follow Christ. Each day we live should be to glorify the Lord. God isn’t a Divine fairy that gives us our desires or our wishes. God gives us what we need when we need it. God is a father, not our best friend. God will punish us when we are bad, God will push us back to the right path in life. God is the reason we can breath every day. God is the reason that miracles happen. God is the God of all our days. Let go of the fear, let go of the doubt, let go of the pain and shame, follow God. When the world is harsh and cruel, lift up your head to the sky, raise your hands and give the worry and doubt to God. Let not the lies of Satan into your soul. Let not the doubts that the deceiver whispers into your ear take hold. Stand firm and fight back. For every Christian has a target on their chest and Satan wants your soul. Fight the fight, and lift your hands and heart higher.

Can you hear with that hood?

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Can you hear with that hood?

Life can be loud at times, and when the storms raging on it’s sometimes hard to hear the voice of God speaking to us. As I roam around the house especially in the fall and winter, I’m usually wearing a hoodie. Not much different then wearing the green hood, I like the way it feels, and I like wearing the hood. Not much different then my love of capes and cloaks, but it would look weird wearing a cape and a hood at the same time. Except for Damian Wayne, Bruce Wayne’s son. The point is, when I wear the cape, I loose just a slight amount of hearing capability. It’s so important to keep your ear to the ground and focus on the signs given to us by God. Abba (Father) gives us signs every day. He will talk to us it’s just a matter if we’re listening, if we’re paying attention.

When we’re living life it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the world. Psalms 25:4-5 “Shew me thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths. Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou [art] the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.” We must remain faithful even when we cannot see tomorrow. Quiet the noise and listen to the voice meant to guide you.

Praise you in this storm By; Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
That it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I’m with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away

And I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

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Every day you should find a quiet place where you can reflect and listen to the voice inside you. Pray to God and ask for your troubles to go however fit to the Lord. Praise your Father on high and trust in the storm you will make it through. Take off the hood, step away from the noise, the struggles of the world for just a moment, and listen. Learn to quiet your mind and find the faith to carry on.

 

Doors

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Doors

As I’ve walked up to the door I about walked through and the door slammed punching me in the face. One of the biggest struggles we may have in life is going with the flow of the river. God will ensure that whatever path we are on will either continue or stop and we will be redirected on a new path. When the avalanche forces a different direction just remember what scripture says. Revelation 3:7 “And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: ‘The words of the holy one, the true one, who has the key of David, who opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens.” Only the doors that God wants us to go through will be opened. The path we may be on can close at any time and we just need to learn to adapt.

Romans 5:3-6 “3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.” While it may hurt to have a door close, and it may not seem fair at the moment, it’s probably for our own good. We just have to have faith that what’s in our heart may not be what we are supposed to be doing. We may have our own great plans, our own aspirations, but we need to remember that we’re not the ones in charge. God’s the one in charge, and when we let go of the rein and let God be our pilot.

Giving up control is never easy, and it’s often one of the reasons people have a hard time with Christianity, but the truth is, if God only has plans for greatness, for prosperity, then why would we want to be allowed to walk down a destructive path? God will allow us to destroy ourselves, but there will be roadblocks and signs for us to turn back. If we fail to listen, or push our way through regardless, then that’s on us.

Keep listening to God, and watch for the road signs so we know where to go. Don’t let yourself be so consumed by tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Worry for today, and let tomorrow unfold. Watch for the signs God puts in your life to help guide you. The answers are always there, but just like an inspector you must be clever enough to see the clues in front of you. Have faith in God’s plan, and remember to be thankful for what you have, grateful that the woes aren’t worse, and love like it’s your last day.

 

Heart On Fire

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Heart On Fire

The word kismet is a strange word is it not? In simple forms it means destiny or fate. We know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reasons are more important then we could ever realize. Sometimes we meet someone and it seems like they are cut from the very same cloth as ourselves. Just because two people may be from the same cloth, doesn’t mean the timing is right for those two people. One thing I’ve been thinking about looking back is what the bible says about timing. One thing I have grown to understand is patience in laying the foundation of something important to us. Galatians 6:9 “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

I’ve been watching as the tobacco fields have been plucked and loaded on trucks and taken to the possessing facilities. This year the fields didn’t go so well. The crop had a ton of water early on, and then drought set in, and then cold nights hit early. When farming there is a measure of patience, and it’s something us non-farmers have a hard time with. My biggest struggle is patience when it comes to love or matters of the heart. I’m not one to get angry easily, and I’m not one to blow my top quickly, but when it comes to love I don’t always know how and when to take a step back. 1 Corinthians 13:4 “Charity suffereth long, [and] is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,”

We must learn to have patience, Romans 8:25 “But if we hope for that we see not, [then] do we with patience wait for [it].” While loving the girl might be easy, knowing she doesn’t feel the same way is a struggle. Knowing that there are reasons I have to force myself to accept the reasons given, even if I don’t understand. Love is a fickle thing. Sometimes love can be there but it’s just not the right time. Romans 12:12 “Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;”

 While my heart burns, longing for a special lady, the truth hits me between the eyes. What once looked like a matter of certainty, what if I was wrong? What if I didn’t see what was in front of me because I didn’t want too? Hopefully I can find it in myself to be patient, be understanding, and push forward. While I know parts of the truth, the important part is my presence is wanted even if it’s not how I would want. I think in life all we can do is take it one day at a time, and hope for the outcome we want. All we can do is pray, and pray that our prayers are answered. We never know what God has in store for us, and all we can do truly, is either complain about it, or face it head on.

While my prayers are that she comes to me when she’s ready, but if not, that someone will come into my life and I will once again have a happy family. In the mean time, I will continue to do what I feel God wants me to do, and hope for the best outcome. Who Knows, maybe I’ll enter the exciting career of vigilante.

 

 

Set a Star and Sail Away

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Set a Star and Sail Away

Sometimes people will say things that are painful when they get angry. Sometimes we allow our own insecurities to take over and dictate our thoughts even to the point of how we feel of ourselves. Projecting is a part of life from time to time, but that never excused someone from saying things just to hurt someone else. I cannot hide from the truth, and I won’t. I will not allow someone to drag me down to their level. I had a moment of weakness in September and I did something horrible that affected my entire life. I have never intended harm on anyone else, and even when I was treated horribly I maintained respect and love. But I am not going to gravel for peoples attention. I am not going to give and fight for something that should be inherently given. If you care about someone you make sure they know it. If you love someone that person should be a part of your thoughts and prayers. If I am not desirable to someone as a potential love interest then I can do better. I refuse to be beaten down any longer. I refuse to settle because my fears tell me too. I refuse to believe I am sub standard because others have treated me as such. I refuse to not seek for that person who will complete me. I know that for every person God has someone out there for you, so why have I allowed in my life people to degrade me and disrespect me. I myself have failed but within that failure has never been a point where I was willing to abandon those I care about. I refuse to allow anyone to hurt me like this again and I refuse to settle for someone who doesn’t share the same beliefs and interest as myself. This post is directed towards myself and my own inability to reach for what I deserve. I have interests, and dreams, and goals, and I have yet to find someone who shares those with me. Not anymore. I will not settle just so I am not alone. If someone cares for me for who I am I hope they might speak up. Make themselves known. I for one have kept quiet too often in my life and let opportunities slip by me. Well I am not doing that anymore. The fear of abandonment and the fear of rejection will no longer dictate my path. Anyone who drags me down will be cut from my life. I will not allow anyone to sink my ship. I am who I am and if you don’t like it, you can get off my bridge. I am in command of this vessel and I choose the course, I choose the crew that will help me along my way. God is my star and I will set sail by that light. Don’t like it, too bad.

 

Heaven The House That God Built

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Heaven The House That God Built

Genesis 1:1 “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” The undeniable truth, that we were formless before the beginning. Genesis 1:2 “The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.” We have hope because we know Heaven is a real place. We know that no matter how much pain or suffering we endure, it’ll all be worth it in the end. We’ve seen the words to the end of days and we know that in that time the truth will be revealed.

Revelation 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” How nice it sounds to with without pain, to see life in the fullness of all it can be in perfection. We were delivered from a life of eternal damnation and although this life is difficult, and even though we endure so much pain and suffering, that seems a small price to pay for eternal love.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” Jesus bled and suffered before dying on the cross for all of our sins. Christ paid the price for our sins, but in turn if a little suffering along our path is what we have to pay, what we must carry along our way, it seems small in comparison.

While the promise of Heaven is as real as the oxygen we breathe, not all will join us in paradise, Matthew 25:46 “And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” We will watch as what we had on earth will pass away and be no more. It’s in that sacrifice we shall thrive. 2 Corinthians 5:1 “For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.” It takes faith in Christ and love in our hearts to be able to reach eternal bliss. We must believe in Christ with our whole hearts. We must fight the sin nature and live a life according to the scripture. Matthew 7:13-14 “13 “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. 14 For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.” No everyone we know and love will be with us in Heaven. All we can do is pray and hope in their heart of hearts they know Christ and they follow to know the joys of Heaven one day.