Tag: history

The Separate Path

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The Separate Path

We found one another and fell in love. We grew together and a life we made. The life we made was a house of cards, the wind came and it blew it down. Now looking at the wake of devastation, I watched in horror as the world didn’t make sense anymore. The tsunami that tore down everything in its path, it was a nightmare come to life. The blast from the atomic blast blinded me and left me helpless as I stood there frozen within my own mind. My body moved but my mind was trapped in a prison unable to escape. Failure was imminent and nothing would be able to stop the flood from coming.

Journey’s song Separate Ways sums up the last year pretty well for me. Having faith in the plan that isn’t my own is perhaps the hardest thing I’ve done. The horrible things we survive can either destroy us or it can propel us forward. When something happens to us in the past how does it affect us in the present? The nightmare that is left behind can play at any time during the day, find us in our sleep, and haunt us. But what if the demons of the past could be controlled? What if we could tame the beast and learn how to no longer allow it to control us? There may be hope if we but turn on the light to see in the dark.

Someone once asked me why I believed in God with so much pain and horrible things in this world. If God was so good then why are babies killed, why do innocent people get hurt? The answer is very simple. Free Will. Free will gives people the choice to decide their own path. We choose who we become friends with, and we choose the way we handle each and every event that comes to our life. Sometimes we make great choices, and other times we make choices that are self destructive. Sometimes our path’s are determined by the subconscious mind that wants what we know we shouldn’t have, but follow it anyway. Other people free will can harm people as innocent bystanders or out of cruelty or malice. God can interfere and sometimes does, but to put a stopper on free will in a fallen world of Sin would defeat the purpose of wanting His children to come to him freely. While miracles do happen, and God can play on someone’s heart, bad things are bound to happen.

I myself have been taken to the woodshed a few times. I’ve suffered at the hands of others, and I have caused suffering when I didn’t mean too. I’ve been brought to my knees and I’ve watched the world crumble and make no sense to what is up or down. While I’ve lost sight of the truth from time to time I always find my way back to the path. The Devil has tried to take me out of the game, to remove me from the board, but God’s plan for me is not yet finished. I can never apologize enough for the pain I have caused, and I can’t ever make it right. All I can do is try to atone for my mistakes. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and hope I get it. All I can do is try to make sure it never happens again and raise awareness for the perfect storm that hit me. While my path has diverged from that of those I love the most deeply in this life, I know that my love is not confined to my little part of this world, but that they know how I feel. I can never undo the past, but as I have fought to survive this last year, I keep in mind, there’s a reason to the pain. There’s a reason for the separate ways in my life, and I thank God for the blessings I do have.

Even though you’re gone I love you. Even though the end came I still care. God doesn’t abandon his Children. God never stops loving, and thus nor will I. Love in the deepest meaning of the word doesn’t die. Love always remains, and one-day love will concur all. Love isn’t weak; it’s the strongest thing in the universe. God will always provide, and even when we walk away from the path God will go off road with us. He may not approve of our choices, but he will always want us to come back. Faith in the truth, faith in the light, and the rest comes when you get your hands dirty with hard work. We may not think we’re strong enough, but when our strength runs low, we lift our eyes, and hands to the Lord and ask for help. We have faith that our needs will be provided for and in our hour of need, God will always provide. He provides every minute of every day, even if we don’t see the working of the little stuff. We don’t have to be strong enough, we just have to have faith. We can be broken, we can be lost, we can be afraid, but in God all things will be made right, and we can do all things because in Christ we are given strength, courage, love. Don’t loose sight of what’s important, and more importantly who. We only get a few people in our life that stay and make big impacts, don’t forget their face, don’t forget their name. Love can overcome anything. God’s love for us and the blood of our Savior shed for us was done in love freeing us from our eternal death, so if we could just love more like God, wouldn’t we be able to be happier too? Perhaps this Christmas you can start to love a little deeper.

December 7th

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December 7th

The morning of December 7th the Empire of Japan attacked Pearl Harbor. The aftermath was 2008 sailors killed and 710 wounded. 218 soldiers and airmen killed, 109 marines killed, not counting civilians killed, all in all 2403 Americans lost their lives and more then a thousand wounded. The attack on our nation was bond to happen and sadly it was a shot in the dark, a sucker punch that would leave us limping and bleeding, but we always get back up.

From the ashes of that attack the country rose up together and together we were stronger then before. We are always stronger together then when we are driven apart. In today’s world the Devil wants us to turn against each other because like a lion chases the wildebeest they always go for the one separated from the group, they are weaker apart. When we are alone we can become easy pray for the Devil. Alone we are weak, we become scared, and we are more likely to fall and listen to the lies of the devil.

Like the phoenix that burns and is reborn in the ashes, we too can be reborn through our worst days. On days like today we honor those who served and sacrificed for that service. On today’s date oh so many years ago thousands of people suffered tremendous losses and I feel it’s only right that we remember. This time of year such violence is difficult because it being so close to the holiday will make the holiday forever stained. It can be difficult to live with such pain. The brave men and women who fought to survive, and fought to protect other innocent people should be deemed as heroes.

While we remember this date in history as being a major turning point in our nations history, let us also remember those who still put everything on the line to defend or protect us in this country. It’s never an easy thing to work on holidays, or give up special occasions, but someone has to do it. Hospitals need to run, and fires can start anywhere and at anytime. People don’t stop hurting others and police are never off duty. So please on today’s memorial, let us think of those who not only lost their lives, but those who are still serving every day.

 

 

Time for war

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Time for war

A time for everything and when the season comes be ready because God needs us to be a lover and a fighter and when or if the time comes, you need to stand up for the weak and if you need to come together on the battlefield, then cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!

In my life, especially my early life, the middle school years were torturous. As I was not only emotionally tormented but physically as well, I often prayed for death. As death never came I kept pushing forward dreaming of far away world, lands where people were created equal, where dreams could come true. A life where love was true and didn’t die at the drop of a hat. I dreamt of a life where happiness and success were mine to have, and yet life it seems would not turn out as the dream once had. As a child I would gaze to the stars and wonder if there were other planets with life similar to our own. I wondered and wished I could get on a ship and travel to far away lands and find a place where I belonged. 13 years later I’m still looking to far away lands and I have yet to find my place in this world.

Through all that pain and agony I experienced as a child it would still not prepare me for the trials I would face as an adult. Many have asked me my thoughts on the Iraq war. While I do believe completely it is likely Sadam had the potential to WMD’s, given the time indicated prior to the initial invasion he would have had the ability to move them away. Regardless of the governments information and it’s meaning for the start of the war, once I arrived in Iraq I found that I wanted to do my part to help the people hurt from Sadam’s regime. He was a bully, and he ruled by fear and intimidation. I don’t like bullies and I have found the desire to help people anyway I can when I know they are in need. I spend a great deal of time and energy checking on my friends that I know struggle, and those I know are in financial hardship I attempt to find ways to help them as well.

Recently I discovered a friend of mine was having issues with her ex husband. Sometimes people are cruel and just want to watch the world burn. Some people pray upon the weak and by physical or emotional means attack them any chance they get. I’ve known a few people who’ve been in abusive relationship. Recently I had the privilege to interview a survivor of both emotional and physical abuse.

Interview with an Abuse Victim

Earlier this year the woman I interviewed was attacked by her boyfriend when he got upset. It turned into a whole ordeal and she was hurt in the attack. After the second time I actually went to rescue her from the situation she found herself in. Now several months behind her I interviewed her to see her thoughts now.

 

  • When did you know about Will’s abuse of other women if you knew at all in regards to the start of your relationship?
    • Knew from before the start of the relationship. He told his side of the story. He was blatantly lying about all of it.

 

  • When did you become suspicious of his abusive behavior?
    • Never physical until the end. Approximately 5-6 months into the relationships.

 

  • How did his behavior change over time towards you?
    • Drinking more as time went on, sweet while drunk but the paranoia picked up as time went on.
  • Did he start to become more possessive
    • Yes he did
    • Drunk when a text came in, he blew up causing the physical altercation. The police were called and things got bad.
    • Physical started lightly.

 

  • Was there anything you did that would set him off more frequently?
    • No telling what would set him off.

 

  • What kinds of things in particular would he do that would be considered abusive in hindsight?
    • Physical
    • Not much in the way of emotional abuse
    • Pit parents against daughter

 

  • What was the mindset after an incident?
    • Shame
    • Anger
    • Panic
    • Realized everything everyone said was actually true.
    • Afraid of the future
    • Tried to shoot him,

 

  • Is there any particular reason you would return or stay with him later in the relationship?
    • He apologized and I let my loneliness get the best of me.
    • Caught at a vulnerable time.
      • Lonely, scared, wanted to work through it.

 

  • In the months following the end how do you feel looking back at the relationship
    • Dumb
    • Knew it was a bad idea the whole time
    • Exhilarating and fun when it started.
  • Advice to others
    • Get out, stop being stupid, don’t give the time of day, you’ve given plenty of reasons to change, and they aren’t going to change. Potential pitfalls of future relations and further abuse.

 

While it’s not always easy for her, her experience changed her life. Once you are in that kind of situation it’s hard to be the same after. God’s blessings are always there even when it doesn’t seem like it. She’s a strong lady and she’s doing better now. She’s one of the strongest ladies I’ve ever known. Her ability to survive and push through is impressive. She truly is a remarkable lady with the strength to survive so much. Just like anyone else we don’t always handle every situation with the grace of a gazelle, but to survive and still stand, still go to work everyday, and remain in this world and not a recluse is truly remarkable. Life hasn’t been easy for her the last 10 years, but she’s making progress and no matter how slow, or fast, forward always.

There are bullies everywhere and if you open your eyes it’s not hard to see. I don’t like bullies and when possible I try to stand toe to toe to them and make sure the people I care for aren’t being hurt. Now I’m not talking about violence, there’s usually a diplomatic way out, but sometimes, the war is brought to us, and we should always be prepared for. The Devil plans and plans and when he’s done planning he executes and when he does, it can be like finding yourself in the middle of a war, everything blowing up and falling apart.

When Dreams Come True

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When Dreams Come True

We never know what God has in store for us, or what’s waiting just around the bend. Sitting on my couch just last night I was sure I knew how my week was going to go. I was going to make some phone calls, sleep late, watch some game shows, maybe talk to a few friends here and there, probably go to Walmart once or twice, and that was about it. That is until I received a fairly cryptic message. “Are you clear to fly?” See after having back surgery I have been on very restrictive orders for months. Even now there are a great many things I still cannot do, and even more that I shouldn’t do. But one thing I can do is fly. Of course I answered yes, that I was cleared and I waited for the answer. The next message wasn’t an answer but another question. How would I feel to go sailing in Hawaii in less then two days, all expenses paid? I looked at it, read it twice, and a third time, just to make sure I read it correctly, but sure as I was still breathing, the opportunity of a lifetime fell into my lap. Without any reason to say no, I stomached through my initial terror of doing anything like this, and said yes.

The following 24 hours would be a whirlwind of getting ready, buying new luggage, organizing, and sorting through the needs and wants for the trip. It had been a long time since I planned a trip like this, and although flying to Hawaii isn’t like going to another country, it mine as well be. I suppose one of the biggest struggles was getting my prescription filled in a quick manner. The rest wasn’t difficult just time consuming. Getting ready wasn’t the problem, the biggest problem was telling myself to go. There’s an interesting battle that wages inside. When I was younger I used to go out all the time, and often alone. In the last few years that’s been more and more of a struggle. As much as I hate being home alone all the time, I usually sit around and wait till about the time to get ready. That’s when the sinking feeling hits me. I think to myself ‘do I really wanna go? Do I have to? What if I just stay home?’ I of course get ready and go, but it’s a challenge all the time. The more that time passes the less motivated I am to go out and do things. I don’t know the cause, and I dare say laziness, but I feel it’s something more.

It was strange how I was just praying about my current situation and needing some kind of reprieve. Even though I feel this is a horrible time for a vacation or retreat like this, I suppose when opportunity comes knocking it’s time to open the door. The way I see it, a week on the island of Honolulu and meeting new people, relaxing with no worries, and no responsibilities for a week. All I can do is say thank you and enjoy the gift. The time to go is quickly approaching, and the sun shall rise on a new day, a day of grace, a day of continued hope, and love. We may not have everything we want, but I know I have what I need. So from the bottom of my heart, can’t say how the days will unfold, but I’m so thankful my God’s still on the throne, and still looking out over me. Can’t ask for anything more, especially since I’m not worthy of such love, and I don’t deserve it, but Jesus died for me and that means I’ll be okay.

God Bless

Veterans Day Nov 11th

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Veterans Day Nov 11th

So many years ago, a young boy looked to the future and saw the stars and stripes. A young boys dream to wear the flag, and fight for this nation would be realized at the age of 19. Basic training was a challenge and tested the emotions and pushed the physical ability to the max. Nothing ever goes how we plan, but as far as experiences in service goes, mine could have been much worse. I started my service at Fort Knox Kentucky, and after 21 weeks I took the long flight to Korea. I was stationed at the small camp of Camp Hovey. I chose Korea as my duty station of choice to try and get some good training before deploying to Iraq. I knew I was going to go, but I knew Korea was a hardship duty tour so they didn’t deploy to a combat theater.

Three months into the tour of duty the word got out that for the first time in 50 plus years the units from Korea would again deploy. In our case the entire unit wasn’t just deploying, but was being moved out of Korea. The deployment would be quick, and much of our training would be split between the Korean training facility and Kuwait. A short visit home and then training, and then the long flight to the desert the dream would become very real very fast.

While the time in Iraq was both terrifying and awesome at the same time, the bible I carried in my breast pocket was a constant reminder that the Lord was with me always. When the bullets started flying, the bombs started to explode around me, the Lord’s protection was always there.

We fight for what we believe in. As for me, I fought because I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to take the fight away from the backyards of those I cared for. I wanted to gain worldly knowledge and build a better life for myself. I wanted to build a better tomorrow for the kids I would hope to have one day. While life never goes according to our plan, sometimes what we’re left with is far more beautiful. While Iraq wasn’t a spring day in the park, it was a learning experience, a growing experience. While not every experience was a positive one, in fact there were many experiences that now haunt me in my dreams, but the growth and life altering views, gave me a broad scoped worldview.

Fighting for those who you left behind, from family, to a woman, a man, your kids, anyone you care about is only part of the equation. While you start of as strangers fighting the fight also turns into fighting that fight for the brothers and sisters to your left and right. The brothers and sisters you gain while in the service will often last a lifetime. In that time you grow close, close enough that you would often lay down your life for your friends. John 15:13 “13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” We fight for those next to us. Politics, world problems, all go out the window when the bullets start flying. While in the pursuit of peace the table gets messy. Politicians make plans, soldiers live in the real world. The real world is messy, bloody, and ends in nightmares after dark. We bare our cross so others don’t have to. Veterans day is a day to honor those who have fought and served this great nation. We fight so the freedoms this country stands for can be upheld.

Upon each soldiers entry to the military an oath is sworn.

I, _____, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.”

We must remember that when we swear an oath it’s our word, and our word should be our bond. Our heart should be pure in our intentions. 1 Kings 8:61”Let your heart therefore be perfect with the Lord our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day.” I was 19 years old when I swore my oath to the United States, and even though I’m no longer active duty, or reserved, or connected in any way to the military, I uphold that oath is just as important today as it was when I first raised my hand. To all those before me, and all those after me, I salute your sacrifice and service to the greatest nation on earth.

 

 

 

 

The Battlefield

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The Battlefield

The soldier’s armor is silver, it shines, glimmers in the light, freshly polished the scuffs from prior battles are barely noticeable after time and repair. The soldier stands at the front line of the battlefield. The sun glistens off the armor of him and the other soldiers. The sun shines on their backs and ahead of them an army of the hoard. An endless sea of black and death, led by the deceiver himself. The tension is high, the fear is thick and the rattle of the shields can be heard echoing in the valley. The calm before the storm, the moments before the word is given for the silence, the peace before the violence and the carnage begins.

The white flag is raised, the red Celtic cross ripples in the wind. The breath from the soldier is heavy as he closes his eyes for a fleeting moment. The smooth inhale and the hold, before exhaling every bit of air he had left. His eyes open, “protect me my Lord” he pleads to God above and he braces himself for what he knows is coming. His heart is torn knowing the men to his left and right may fall. He knows the battle will claim those he cares for. He knows the battle may very well claim his own life. The appearance of time seems to slow, as he can see the flag dropping forward. He sees a butterfly on the grass in front of him, only for a moment he can see each flap of it’s wings, the wind as it pushes the grass ever so slightly.

The flag drops and the rush starts. He raises his sword, shield in hand, the drum that is his heart pounds as the seconds before the crashing wave hits with the force of a hundred elephants. His shield crashes into the demons. Bones crack, and the blackness all around covers the eyes like a haze, an endless sea of darkness and the light of the sun that once shone so brightly is now gone. The thunder rolls and the rain falls. The sounds of metal on metal, bones on bones, flood the air and nothing but screams and death now fill the air. A sword swings on the soldier and it deflects off his sword. With his shield he hits the demon in the chest and it falls to the grown. He sees it now, lighting the dark sky the flaming arrows begin to rain down. The soldier ducks covering himself with his shield. The arrows never pierce his shield, they only bounce off, he reads the inscription on the inside of his shield. Ephesians 6:16 “Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.” The soldier stands fast not moving to soon, waiting for the arrows of the Devil to stop for the time being. The Devil you see doesn’t care who gets hurt, doesn’t care about the collateral damage just so long as he’s able to hit one person. His demons do his bidding, no matter those who fall, even their own.

He’s knocked to the ground, kicked from behind; the spike of the spear pierces his armor on his side and punctures his flesh. He moves quickly from the attack and rolls from the following attacks. He swings his sword the blade etched in the steel Psalm 144:1 “Blessed be the Lord my strength which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:” He prays to himself even in the midst’s of battle.” The Holy Spirit anoints me and protects me upon the day of battle, for the day of battle is at hand.” The battle continues, blow after blow defected with shield or sword. The soldier fights with every ounce of strength he has.

The battle turns and the demons start to get the upper hand. One by one soldiers across the field of battle fall. Brothers, fathers, sons, begin to be slain by the Devils minions. Another round of flaming arrows begins to fly in. The soldier hides under his shield, the arrows fall from the sky like rain. The field of battle is now dripping with water, blood, soaked in rivers that flow from the bodies on the ground. The soldier fights one enemy after the next. He continues the battle, slaying one demon after the next. The soldier is hit from behind, a blow that knocks him off his feet. He rolls to see the biggest of the demons he’s seen. The demon places the large foot over the soldier’s chest. Crushing under the weight, the soldier takes his dagger and stabs the demon in the calf. The demon stumbles back, and the soldier takes his sword and throws it. It strikes the demon in the middle of the chest sinking deep into the bone. The demon looks down at the sword before falling straight back.

Retrieving the sword the soldier takes a moment to look around the battlefield. Fighting continues, as the forces of evil are still holding the advantage. A black squall comes from the clouds and everything around its circumference explodes outward. The dust settles quickly, un-naturally, and there in the middle is the Dark Lord himself. Huge, the lord of darkness now stands toe to toe with the soldier. The soldier takes a few steps back to gain a little space. He looks around and he’s surrounded on all sides by darkness. The soldier rushed the prince of darkness and attacked. The soldier is knocked hard to the ground. One blow after the soldier is knocked to the ground, yet he continues to rise. The battle rages on.

The war seems lost, the fallen are many, the Devil continues to slaughter the men in droves. The soldier struggles now to stand. He’s bleeding, he’s battered, he’s bruised, and he struggles to breath. The strength is failing him. His helmet is cracked, his knuckles are black and blue, and he struggles to stand. How the blows of battle have taken their toll. The end seems neigh. When the soldier’s strength is about to fail he looks to the sky and remembers the words. Psalm 23:4 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” He takes the sword raising to the sky, “Lord give me power, light up the darkness.” From the sky the darkness parted and the light from the sky shined down upon the sword, the strength of the Holy Spirit filled him and he could feel the power flow through him. He smashed the tip of the sword deep into the ground and the ground split. A light brighter then anything he’d ever seen exploded from the sword and the demon army faded away like a shadow does in the light.

The only demon to stand is the Devil himself, to stand-alone. With renewed strength the soldier walks to stand up to the Devil. The Soldier stands with what little army there was left behind him. Like David before him standing before Goliath, he stands tall. James 4:7 “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” Standing firm against the Devil and on the wings of the angels he leapt into the sky, sword raised, shield in hand he struck down the form of the Devil. He thrust the sword of Truth into the neck of the Devil, and the form crumbled to the ground.

Emerging victorious the ash settles and he faces the remaining soldiers on the field. The Devils army did extensive damage. The souls lost have never been in vein. Every day souls are lost to one thing or another. Time, disease, accidents, war, or even murder happen every day and children of the King go home. We all have to face the truth, and the truth is the Devil tries to come for us. He tries to tempt us away from what’s right, he tries to cause us to doubt, loose faith, to question everything to include our own existence.

The battlefield we all live in is life. We wake up every day and we go out into the world and we fight our battles. Every day we take hits, we fight the fight. Some days are better then others, some years are great, some are a struggle and some are like living in a fog. We can be beaten down, and some days we bleed. When the battle is no longer what we see on TV how do we get ready for the battle? How do we face the enemy when we meet on the field of battle? In as many months and years we’ve seen pure evil as our nations borders. The battles being waged are no longer on TV over the big pond, but right in our back yard. Incidence like Sandy Hook, Boston, Orlando, Vegas, and now most recently Sutherland Springs, have shows us we are no longer safe from evil. How many countless lives are lost to violence to evil? We can’t ever prepare for every battle we may face, but if we know the Lord and Savior, if we allow God into our hearts and submit ourselves to the King, then it doesn’t matter if we go out and loose the battle (our lives) because we know where we are going. Do not fear death, because death is the beginning of life. While we miss our loved ones who’ve passed we should also rejoice that they are in perfection. Our life is worth every minute because our lives are numbered by the days we’re in it.

It’s not easy to get back up when life has crushed your spirits. It’s not easy to face down the giant when you’re scared. It’s not easy to run into the fray when all hope seems lost. We may not always have the scripture in front of us right when we need it, but we can keep the words at our fingertips. We have Godly counsel to turn to, and if you’re like me, I wear a ring with the Armor of God passage. I wear an arrow necklace to remind myself who I am, I am Al-Sahm, and I know that I hold the bow and arrows for God. I am a soldier not just for my country, but more importantly for God. Remember to keep your armor and be ready when the battle comes to your back yard. There may come a day when God calls upon you to be a soldier. No matter what the battle may bring know the end for you will always be Heaven so long as you’re a soldier for the King. We can choose what side we’re on, and as for me, I choose the God that’s given me everything I have.

 

 

 

The silence of the …..

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The silence of the …..

I’ve been thinking about my life and how I’ve gotten form A to B to C over these years. I remember when I was in 5th grade there was a lovely girl I was completely smitten with. The crush had lasted longer then just 5th grade but that’s when the feelings grew stronger. The feelings were more of a detriment then a blessing, in fact, they weren’t a blessing at all. Late in the year someone found out about those feelings and as things went pre internet, the whole grade knew before the end of recess, and the teasing began. It wasn’t because of her though, she was beautiful and popular, and every guy liked her. No, sadly the teasing was because of me, who I was. The teasing came because I wasn’t popular, I wasn’t handsome, I was nerdy, and I didn’t fit in very well. The teasing continued the rest of the year, never relenting. I even fell for the cruel joke that she wanted me to kiss her on the playground. They talked me into it, and needless to say it didn’t go well.

Over the next few years in school I met another women, and she was different. Not so different that I actually stood a chance, but sadly by the middle of 7th grade I would accidently let slip the woman who held my affection, and once again I became the laughing stock on the grade. I couldn’t catch a break. I was tortured for 3 years straight because I was different, because it was funny that I would like someone I stood no chance with, and when she was told, it brought her nothing but embarrassment. Of course though, who wouldn’t be? I wasn’t special in anyway, I wasn’t cool, I was more of an annoyance to those around me. Kids would hit me when I wasn’t looking, toss me around, push me and shove me into lockers and into people. I even experienced a swirly in my 7th grade year. That was the epitome of becoming the laughing stock of the school. The stares from kids of all grades, the whispers as I passed by, the chuckles and laughter reminded me daily of the shame I felt stepping foot in that school, or even out of my house. To say I became self conscious would be an understatement, I became horrified to be seen out and about, and I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I believed I was an ugly person, I believed no one would ever love me, I believed I would be alone forever, not a simple belief, no, a belief that would make it’s home deep down in my heart, the place the deep most powerful feelings reside.

Over the years things would improve but only just slightly. When I would finally move away I’d find a new home, a new school, and new chances. Although it never would end well for me, I continued to try and continued to try and put myself out there. Success wouldn’t be measured all that well, and fast forwarding 15 years, I’d say my luck hasn’t improved at all. Although what few friends I have left constantly tell me to be patient, and they are always telling me when someone walks away from me, or blows me off it’s their loss. As I recently stated before I can’t stand that saying.

Knowing what we feel inside, and fighting that feeling we hold deep inside is never easy. All we can do is know that we are children of the King, and what matters most is what God thinks of us. Even though we cannot see or feel or touch God, and we may want the affections of another person more then anything in this world, we can only close our eyes, silent our mind and pray. Quieting our mind is difficult. It takes practice, and it takes training. Matthew 6:6 “But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” A truth is found in Psalm 1 “Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. 2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. 3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. 4 The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away. 5 Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. 6 For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish.” It’s hard, but you have to remind yourself that the truth is not what others thing, or what you think, it’s what God the Almighty thinks of you. It’s a wonderful thing when we can let go of the pain in your heart. It’s special when you can feel the weight lifting off your shoulders. Even though I’m not there yet, I hope one day, I may be. I hope one day the demons that haunt me can finally be wiped away. The day may come, but sadly, the strength to do so escapes me today. Remember to always try and silence the negative feelings, try and put them away and look towards the sky and see the wonder of the stars, and remember that as infinite as the stars are, so are the possibilities. Just pray and pray, and work towards a brighter future.

 

The Money

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The Money

There are more then a few bible verses regarding the use of money. Dave Ramsey’s course Financial Peace University revolves around scripture’s instructions on how to handle money. There’s no doubt that when handled correctly money can be a great asset, however if not handled correctly it can cause some of the most dire strife you may ever encounter in your life.

People love money; they love it so much peoples entire life revolves around the collection of dollar signs, the accumulation of riches. This accumulation of money makes people feel powerful. It makes people feel as if they can do anything they want. 1 Timothy 6:10 “For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.” When we focus on money and we misuse the gifts given, we fall to the desires Satan wants us to fall to. Ecclesiastes 5:10 “He that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor he that loveth abundance with increase: this [is] also vanity.” We are told not to allow ourselves to fall to the allure of money. Matthew 6:19-21 “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:” And finally Proverbs 22:7 “The rich ruleth over the poor, and the borrower [is] servant to the lender.”

When money comes we must understand how to use it. We must first give thanks to the giver and all things the giver is God. When we are given a gift we must understand that we cannot squander what we are given. We must understand the nature of what we are given is given to us with the understanding we will share our gifts with others. Proverbs 22:9 “Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor.” When we are given money, especially in large sums we must learn to give back, pay back debts, and with work never get into debt again. Proverbs 28:27 “Whoever gives to the poor will not want, but he who hides his eyes will get many a curse.” When the going gets tough we must respect the rules. Give according to your own ability. Your giving will be bountifully repaid. Acts 11:29 “So the disciples determined, every one according to his ability, to send relief to the brothers living in Judea.”

 When we are given this gift use it to give, use it to set up a good future, and always remember to thank the giver. In all things it’s important to remember that if we make things messy we will only be given messy. We have to keep things neat and tidy. 2 Corinthians 9:6-7 “The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. 7 Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” Being debt free is a gift after years of trying. Pray not to squander that gift and use what you’re given for the benefit of God’s work.

As the house sells, and a new future begins, all I can do is thank God for my gift, and pray I use it in a pleasing way.

 

 

 

300

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300

It seems almost ironic that at 300 posts I’m nearly ready to go move on with my life. I’ve spent the last 388 days trying to learn to rebuild. In that time I’ve had some great success and have made wonderful progress. I’ve also suffered major setbacks and further pain. The blog was meant to be a way for me to reach others. It was meant for me to talk to others about the pain I hold inside and despite my best efforts I still have. While in some way and by some measures the blog has been highly successful, I don’t feel it’s reached the height of it’s potential as I wished it had. At my 200th blog entry, July 4th I had “1286 Visitors, 3628 Views, I’ve had 359 likes and 235 Comments. I have reached an astounding 51 countries.” Now 100 posts later I look back over the last 100 days. In 100 days instead of moving to Colorado I suffered a major back injury and instead of migrating west I underwent the knife, received a titanium plate, didn’t drive for a month and a half, and haven’t shot my bow in a hundred days. I’ve not dated anyone, and the only “date” I went on was my wife whom I’ve been separated since last September. Sounds pathetic when I say it out loud, but the chance to go play mini golf, dinner, and hang out was far to much to pass up. While I haven’t done anything spectacular except write, and I’ve kept my mother company, but overall, my contribution to life has been sadly disappointing.

What can I say about the 300 mark that doesn’t sound self-serving? I’ve been struggling to find the inspiration to write every day. It’s not been an easy 100 drays and in that time I’ve written to stay afloat, but the ideas, the titles, the scripture just hasn’t come to me as it once had. The month of September my views dropped by nearly 50%. While I have been told not to judge my own success based on others responses I’ve watched as people celebrate 100 followers in just a couple months. To date I’m at 75, and I’ve been here for months. I would guess the best way to look at this is I’ve continued to reach multiple countries. I’ve continued to reach new people, and while my following has slowed a great deal I continue my work, my mission. 229 days ago I started this mission and I’ve grown. My studies, my growth and my understanding of scripture have grown a great deal.

While I continue looking forward to whatever God has planned for my future, I pray for many things. This journey has been a lonely one, and while I fully understand there was a reason for God to keep me alone all this time I can’t help but hope that time is over. This journey of discovery has been the most difficult year of my life. As I’ve struggled with my own mortality, my own grief, my own demons, I have walked this journey not alone but hand in hand with Christ. While I’ve faced the darkness I can only ask for continued grace even though I’ve done nothing to deserve it. We fail every day and even as I’ve failed, as I’ve fallen, the good Lord has picked me up, brushed off my scrapped knees, and has held my hand when the seas got rough.

While I will always love those from my past, and I pray I will love again in my future, the days that come are slow and long. A look back over the last 100 days and I now sit at 2814 Visitors, 500 Likes, 6114 Views, and 86 Countries.

The voice that calls to me, speaking my name, I turned away for so long, but now I succumb to the voice and let go of who I once was. The days that came and went were only lessons to be learned. I glance behind only to see how long I’ve come. The days of past may haunt us in dreams, but can no longer harm us. The days of yesterday hold grip but tomorrow is where the focus should be. While I am uncertain of my path, uncertain of what may come my way, I am certain of only one thing, God is forever standing by my side. Where there’s trouble you must just call for the Lord and you will not be alone. Our safety is never certain, our prayers are not always answered, but we can rest assure there’s always a reason. While I have prayed every day for someone to truly accept me as theirs, while I have prayed that the fight with the VA would finally be over, while I have prayed that enough would be enough and I’d finally be able to live in a semi state of peace, that has not come to pass. As the road is long and hard I find myself weak and weary. I pray for help, I pray for guidance, and as I am continuously filled with conviction, with God’s love, I have the strength to get by one day at a time. As I rely on God’s grace and mercy I realize the enemy is the Devil, and the doubt is the whispers told in the dark. Like the Spartan’s I would gladly kick Satan down into the abyss, yelling “This Is Sparta!” Or like the President on Air Force One “Get off my plane!” You get the idea. Don’t let Satan lie to you and keep you from reaching your full potential.

While I cannot deny the blessings that are coming my way, it’s a bitter sweet. 300 posts, and as I wait to see how long I can keep up this pace, I know that eventually all good things must come to and end. Where I go form here I don’t know, but what I do know is I will continue to do God’s work, and try to make this world a better place. While I can’t say this blog will have won me any kind of notoriety, I do hope I’ve at least been influential in at least a life. I can only hope and pray that’s the case. The day shall rise and fall, and like the shadows on the wall, the season changes. Hope and prayer are sometimes the two greatest assets we may ever hold onto. Don’t loose hope even when things seem to be at their most bleak. When we look down even for just a moment, we take our eyes off of what’s in front of us, our focus dwindles for a moment, and next thing you know you look up and you’re about to collide with an iceberg. Don’t loose focus because it could be your doom if you do.

While I have noted a sharp drop in my following, and some days the posts I make don’t get a single hit anymore. These days all I can do is try to get the blogs out there. I can only hope to spread the word and hope that others will do so if they feel the desire to. Getting the word out, spreading the website, reposting the blog, sharing with friends and colleagues. My hope is to continue to expand, and I hope to reach more people every day.

 

 

Rediscover

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Rediscover

The song plays in the distance, Moon River by Melissa Benoist. I have a dream to cross over the rainbow to find my Oz. A journey of discovery to find who I’m meant to be, I walk a path that seems black and white and without color we aren’t truly alive. Over the rainbow lies a land of magic, of color, of wonders beyond our wildest imagination. How do I get there I wonder, how do I take the step, then the leap to see if I can fly? I find myself scared to do what is necessary. I struggle to think about what if I’m making a huge mistake? The butterfly’s in my stomach doing summersaults, and as I watch a part of my life close, I wonder how did all this happens, I’m left with no answers. Life was good, moving forward, and I liked where I was. It’s so difficult closing a book when it’s over. A book that caught you, that grabbed every bit of your essence, and knowing that it’s done, it’s hard to grasp the finality of what’s come to pass. It’s clear now, that where I’m meant to is not where I thought I’d be. My life changed in an instant and in a year I found myself fighting a duality. I feel as if I’ve been split into two people and I barely recognize either of them. The man I see in the mirror I don’t recognize. The family that never would be, the career that ended before it flew, the awards that now gather dust in a box, all for nothing.

I know I never followed the typical path, but now I question why. What is it about me that so much bad have happened in a single lifetime? I look down at the cross I wear on my finger. The words of the armor are the reminder to remain strong and to fight the urge to crumble. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, and the urge to cry comes. I don’t know what’s waitin’ round the bend for me, and I don’t know if I have a friend waiting for me. I feel like I’m falling apart. My resolve seems to be shaken, and now I question everything. Of course when the going gets tough the answers are found in only two places. 1. Scripture, 2. Godly counsel.

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

 My Lord, you must think I’m strong because I feel like the weight of the world is crushing me. Where is the light at the end of these hard times? Where’s the grace when the world isn’t fair? Where’s the faith I need to stand strong in the raging storm?

Rediscover 3Looking back at the person I once was I liked who I was back then. I look back and see the strength to take on the world, to overcome anything that came, and I was. I was a happier person, I was full of joy, and life. Today I feel so removed from then. I feel like the scars have built up and now I don’t see who I was any longer. I survived a war and through that I felt more me then I do now. The suffering from combat left me looking at the person in the mirror and I saw someone new. Now I look into the mirror and I see so little of my old self-looking back. It looks like me, but broken, fogged over through the steam that covers the glass. I wipe away the dew on the glass and I see the mask looking back at me.

God, I am broken today. I feel lost and I feel broken. My God I ask for healing today, and could healing happen today? My Lord on high you’ve watched me fall, you’ve seen me cry, you’ve seen me bleed, so I ask you on this day, to stand here with me broken together. Help pick me up and guide me along the right path. I don’t know which way’s up, or which ways down, I’m lost at sea with no stars to guide me. My fairy tale has broken down and like Humpdy Dumpdy I thought maybe I couldn’t be put back together again. Today I fall to my knees and I pray and pray, and I know that there’s only one hope for me, God’s love and God’s healing grace. I know that in this trial I’ve been tested. As many have before I me, I lean upon the words of prophesy.

Revelation 2:10 “Do not fear what you are about to suffer. Behold, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and for ten days you will have tribulation. Be faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life.” God you’ve never left my side even in the storm, even as I faced death, you carried me back on wings of grace. You saved me for a purpose and even when I don’t know what that is, you do. You have given me a second chance to praise you in the storm, and no matter the waves that pound against me I won’t back down, I won’t stop fighting. My God my God, you have seen me through the war, you have seen me loose it all, you’ve seen me stumble, you’ve seen me fall, but today as I cry and feel like I can’t go on, I feel the strength come from above. As I sit and write I cry and the moment I start my dog lays her head in my lap. You use her to remind me you’re still there.

I am reminded that I need you Lord because the worlds to big. I stop and I listen, I quite my mind, and I reach down deep to hear your voice again. It’s with me always but sometimes I forget. Lord you cover me with the grace of your Angels, you protect me from harm, and you lift my soul. You rescue me from the Devil’s snare and one day you will call me home. While today is not that day, and nor was it yesterday or the times before, you have watched over me.

While I sit and seek tomorrow I pray the rainbow is bright. I see my wonderland and through the keyhole I ask if I seek, someday will I find, someone to watch over me. The future is a question we can’t be afraid of. We must grab life by the horns and must learn to leap so we may fly. While I’m not sure where I’m going, or what I’m doing, I know that I must take the leap of faith, and I know this journey will be one for me to rediscover who I am. Often when a chapter ends, or even the book the next phase is to relearn, rediscover who you are, or who you’re meant to be.

Rediscover 2

I Can Go The Distance

I have often dreamed of a far off place
Where a hero’s welcome would be waiting for me
Where the crowds would cheer, when they see my face
And a voice keeps saying this is where I’m meant to be

I’ll be there someday, I can go the distance
I will find my way if I can be strong
I know every mile would be worth my while
When I go the distance, I’ll be right where I belong

As I keep going in this life, I know I will one day find that welcome. I remain on the path, and one day I will finish the song.

I will search the world, I will face its harms
‘Till I find my hero’s welcome waiting in your arms