Tag: Heart Break

The silence of the …..

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The silence of the …..

I’ve been thinking about my life and how I’ve gotten form A to B to C over these years. I remember when I was in 5th grade there was a lovely girl I was completely smitten with. The crush had lasted longer then just 5th grade but that’s when the feelings grew stronger. The feelings were more of a detriment then a blessing, in fact, they weren’t a blessing at all. Late in the year someone found out about those feelings and as things went pre internet, the whole grade knew before the end of recess, and the teasing began. It wasn’t because of her though, she was beautiful and popular, and every guy liked her. No, sadly the teasing was because of me, who I was. The teasing came because I wasn’t popular, I wasn’t handsome, I was nerdy, and I didn’t fit in very well. The teasing continued the rest of the year, never relenting. I even fell for the cruel joke that she wanted me to kiss her on the playground. They talked me into it, and needless to say it didn’t go well.

Over the next few years in school I met another women, and she was different. Not so different that I actually stood a chance, but sadly by the middle of 7th grade I would accidently let slip the woman who held my affection, and once again I became the laughing stock on the grade. I couldn’t catch a break. I was tortured for 3 years straight because I was different, because it was funny that I would like someone I stood no chance with, and when she was told, it brought her nothing but embarrassment. Of course though, who wouldn’t be? I wasn’t special in anyway, I wasn’t cool, I was more of an annoyance to those around me. Kids would hit me when I wasn’t looking, toss me around, push me and shove me into lockers and into people. I even experienced a swirly in my 7th grade year. That was the epitome of becoming the laughing stock of the school. The stares from kids of all grades, the whispers as I passed by, the chuckles and laughter reminded me daily of the shame I felt stepping foot in that school, or even out of my house. To say I became self conscious would be an understatement, I became horrified to be seen out and about, and I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I believed I was an ugly person, I believed no one would ever love me, I believed I would be alone forever, not a simple belief, no, a belief that would make it’s home deep down in my heart, the place the deep most powerful feelings reside.

Over the years things would improve but only just slightly. When I would finally move away I’d find a new home, a new school, and new chances. Although it never would end well for me, I continued to try and continued to try and put myself out there. Success wouldn’t be measured all that well, and fast forwarding 15 years, I’d say my luck hasn’t improved at all. Although what few friends I have left constantly tell me to be patient, and they are always telling me when someone walks away from me, or blows me off it’s their loss. As I recently stated before I can’t stand that saying.

Knowing what we feel inside, and fighting that feeling we hold deep inside is never easy. All we can do is know that we are children of the King, and what matters most is what God thinks of us. Even though we cannot see or feel or touch God, and we may want the affections of another person more then anything in this world, we can only close our eyes, silent our mind and pray. Quieting our mind is difficult. It takes practice, and it takes training. Matthew 6:6 “But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” A truth is found in Psalm 1 “Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. 2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. 3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. 4 The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away. 5 Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. 6 For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish.” It’s hard, but you have to remind yourself that the truth is not what others thing, or what you think, it’s what God the Almighty thinks of you. It’s a wonderful thing when we can let go of the pain in your heart. It’s special when you can feel the weight lifting off your shoulders. Even though I’m not there yet, I hope one day, I may be. I hope one day the demons that haunt me can finally be wiped away. The day may come, but sadly, the strength to do so escapes me today. Remember to always try and silence the negative feelings, try and put them away and look towards the sky and see the wonder of the stars, and remember that as infinite as the stars are, so are the possibilities. Just pray and pray, and work towards a brighter future.

 

True Lies

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True Lies

A lot of people have been telling me they know what I’m going through. People have been telling me they understand, and they are there for me. Here are the facts, I haven’t recovered, and I haven’t had as many people in my life that have made a difference that I’ve needed. Yes there’ve been a couple, but this is too big for just a small few who can’t be around as much as I’ve needed. I haven’t really been in a good place for some time now. The heart wants what the heart wants, and when it’s fractured it takes time, energy, and patience to heal. The experts say it takes time and it takes distraction, and a rediscovery of one’s self. While I can’t deny I’ve had some amazing things happen like my debt being paid off, I have a roof over my head, and I have a pair of great dogs.

When I get close to someone it seems like they always pull away from me. I’ve struggled wondering why everyone’s always run from me. People say they are always going to be there, till they aren’t. You’d think the more people have up and left, I’d be afraid to get attached. The fact is, it take a lot for me to get attached to someone, but when I do it’s stronger then perhaps even I’d care to admit.

The sun rises and falls and while others around me live their lives, it feels as if mine is standing still. The heart seems to be filled with broken glass, and every time I breathe I start to bleed. It seems like I haven’t made any progress. I wonder why I’ve been given the loosing hand and no matter how I try to change the dealer, I just can’t catch a break.

We may love, but what if we have to keep that love buried? What do we have left when that fleeting moments of loving someone is what we have? We know that we have the love of God, and we know that, that’s supposed to be enough. We know that it’s our flesh desires that get in the way of what’s truly important. While it’s hard to push the loneliness away the hardest part is being in limbo. Do you love the girl? Does she love you? What’s going on with the job? Standing still, the tomorrow so full of questions, so full of doubt. The truest of lies is the lie you tell everyone else, but the lie you tell yourself. The truth is you’re not okay. While many will try to tell you they understand, unless they’ve endured even a fraction of what you have, been in similar situations, that act of comfort seems hollow.

All we are left with is the feeling of helplessness, the occasional sensations of hopelessness, all we can do is muscle through them, and pray for the best. We have to have hope that God knows best. While the nights seem long the truth will set you free. Even the most devout Christians can suffer from depression, anxiety, and moments of hopelessness. It’s not about feeling low; it’s how you handle day to day. Everyone will have days they are down, or sometimes months, and even a bad year. Make sure that even when you’re having your bad days, you stay focused on Christ. It’s okay to have your bad days, just make sure that you keep fighting to move beyond the storm and find your peace.

Finding Love and Dealing With Loss

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Finding Love and Dealing With Loss

As it’s been a good while since my separation I find myself revisiting my future for Love. As I have posted extensively what love means to me, I still have a hard time understanding my place in this world, and as I question my place, I also question the purpose of me remaining single and unable to find even so much as a date. Now I’m not complaining, just making an observation. The scripture tells us, Jeremiah 29:11 “11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” The day to day routine I find mundane and it’s a tough pill to swallow. The struggles we have to find our way, to understand the ‘plan’. When a relationship falls apart and broken hearts are left in the wake of the hurricane that plows through life, steps to recovery need to be taken. We’ll talk about those here.

While I have been on my own road to recovery there are things I have found and learned over the last year. What steps can we take and why are they important? According to divorce magaziene.com there are 10 not so easy steps to recovery.

  1. Don’t forget to ask for help
  2. Declutter
  3. Keep yourself busy
  4. Find yourself again
  5. Travel
  6. Give it time
  7. Things happen for a reason
  8. Find your focus
  9. Try to forgive
  10. Do not close your doors

I will say asking for help is important. This however comes with some pitfalls. Some friends are fair weather friends and will not be there to help support you in your time of need. In the event that happens try not to let that add to your pain. It will, but it’s important to focus on what you can change in your life. Declutter is so important. I failed in this category. I allowed myself to keep pictures, and objects that would remind me of my marriage and that would create hope and pain where perhaps there wasn’t any. It’s so important to pack this stuff up. We don’t necessarily need to destroy or get rid of this stuff, but putting it out of sight out of mind is very important. Yes that means facebook too.

Next is keeping yourself busy. This can be a very hard to achieve. This often requires friends to be around or you to be comfortable enough to venture out on your own. This too is a step I failed miserably. My activity average was very low. I found myself in the house unable and unwilling to go out by myself when I didn’t have anyone to spend time with. It’s important to find something, anything that you enjoy. For me my joys were Lego’s, Archery, Photography, and writing this blog. We can never forget Netflix. Sadly my injury had stopped a few of my options dead in it’s tracks, and Lego’s can be expensive, so that’s another thing to think about, the cost involved in this step. Finding hobbies and other means to keep busy should be inexpensive and not taxing or draining important resources.

We must learn to find out who we are. This is something I hear all the time. Take time for yourself. While this time period is different for everyone, it’s important not to dwell on the past. Find who you are without the love that’s no longer in your life. Find what about yourself you love, and stop the negativity in its tracks. When you are not the one to walk away in the marriage, when it’s something you didn’t expect or want, it’s difficult to combat the harsh feelings that keep into your mind. It’s important to reach out in times of need, and surround yourself with people who are positive and will lift you up, rather than tear you down.

While traveling may not be something everyone can do, a bit of change in scenery can be a world of difference. Getting out of the home you both had is important. Even getting out of the town or city though not viable for everyone, it’s still worth a thought.

Time, is both our friend, and our enemy. While time heals wounds, if that time is not treated with respect, it can create pain. We must learn how to balance time and effort. We must tell ourselves every day that tomorrow will be just a little better then today. We must learn to let go of the pain a little at a time. Let time be an ally and not an enemy.

We may not understand it, but everything happens for a reason. We may not ever get the answer to why our spouse decided to leave, or do whatever it is they did, but we must realize that for every tragedy, there is also opportunity. While this is perhaps one of the hardest things to do, that love we must hold for ourselves, and understand that tomorrow may be the day we meet someone new. We must understand that no one can ever replace the loved one lost, but we must understand that while we can’t replace someone, someone different can be just around the corner, someone that can become very special to us. We have to have faith in God, that God doesn’t want the faithful to be alone, and if we remain faithful to Christ, we will be rewarded when it’s God’s time.

Find focus and purpose in your life. We must allow ourselves to feel important in our own lives and some do this by reaching out to help others. Some do this by volunteering, or working longer hours, or spending time with family. Set written goals, and allow yourself to work towards them, but make sure your set goals are actually obtainable. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. You don’t have to achieve everything all at once. Allow yourself to work at a reasonable pace towards those goals.

While I don’t believe in the word ‘try’ in the try to forgive, instead I will say forgiveness is not something to be earned. Forgiveness is something to be given freely because we are told to forgive in scripture. There’s not a single verse that says to forgive under some circumstances instead of others. No, we are told to forgive as our Father has forgiven us, and we will never have done enough or can never do enough to earn that forgiveness. It may take time to forgive because some people hold onto grudges, and while I can disagree with that notion, it’s a fact of life. Every day you must tell yourself, “I forgive you” no matter what it is, forgiveness is to let go of that anger, the hate, and to allow yourself be rid of the poison that fills your soul.

Don’t let the fear of striking out stop you from getting up to the plate. While not every relationship will turn to marriage, and not everyone you meet will turn into a relationship, we can’t be afraid to try. We never know what we may be passing up unless we try.

We don’t and won’t understand everyone’s actions and intentions, but it’s in our darkest of hours we may find what we are truly made of. Having faith in God and allowing ourselves to be good servants and stewards of God’s love and grace, we will be rewarded when the time is right. Colossians 3:23-24 “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.” Always live to do hard works for Christ. When we live for the Lord, when we Love the Lord and give all the glory to the Lord, we will be given the Godly desires of our hearts. Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”