Tag: friends

Bat signal in the sky

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Bat signal in the sky

How do you know Jesus is next to you? Is it the warm feeling in your heart when something special happens, when something works out despite all odds? What if you could look to the sky, and see the signal to let you know God was still watching over you, would that give you comfort? When the disciples where walking with Jesus for 3 years even after all the miracles He preformed they still doubted the true nature of who He was. Even if there was some sort of Jesus symbol in the sky just as the Bat signal didn’t stop all crime, there would still be doubters in the world.

In my life there’s been enough evidence for me to believe that Christ not only existed, but also was the Son of God. John 20:29 “Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.” Even Thomas who had followed for 3 years didn’t believe without actually feeling the holes in Jesus’s hands and side. If someone who lived with Jesus for that long could doubt, it’s understandable how we could doubt even today. James 1:6 “But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” When we feel lost and feel like we cannot go on any further we must look to the sky and pray. Even if the signal in the sky isn’t there, we must know that God is always watching.

Let’s people know he’s still out there, let those who are weary know that Jesus is with them. Be there for those who need help. Take comfort in knowing that no matter the circumstances you find yourself in Christ our God is still with us. Find your own signal, find something you can grasp onto to remind yourself He’s watching. The bat signal in the sky was a way to tell Batman there was trouble, but also to remind criminals the Bat was still there. We too can find and keep our own signal. When I was in Iraq I kept a small Gideon’s Bible in the breast pocket of my uniform under my body armor. This was a constant reminder to me that God was always with me. As beat up as that bible is now I no longer carry it, but I have found other things to remind me. Now I wear a ring with the Armor of God passage. Every time I look down I am reminded of how precious my time is here, and how every step I take God is always with me. It’s not always easy to have faith, but we need to know, when we really need it God will always be there for us, because even when we don’t need His help, Gods with us. Pray earnestly always and have faith even when you cannot see.

Life in the Fast Lane

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Life in the Fast Lane

As Americans we devote almost every minute of our day focusing on trivial pursuits. We are busy so much in our day we often wish for more time, just to do more. The problem with more time is we never use the time we are given wisely. We squander it in our own pursuits, but not in ways that would be pleasing to God. We may not be a bad person, but are we really doing Gods work? Proverbs 21:5 “5 The thoughts of the diligent tend only to plenteousness; but of every one that is hasty only to want.” When we rush through life and we react from one day to the next it’s easy to get swept up and carried away with the world. Do we take the time to have silent reflection? Do we take the time to talk to God through prayers? Do we hastily make decisions without putting thought to them? Do we make those decisions based on feelings or are those decisions based on what would be pleasing to God?

The world tells us all of the feel good things that we should try, or experience. The world expects us to always be full throttle, from dawn till dusk work, push yourself to the limit, sleep and get up and do it again. If we are running around so much where are the moments of clarity, where are the moments of peace, where is the time for prayer? Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 “3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. 9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth? 10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it. 11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. 12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life. 13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God. 14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.” I firmly believe that working hard is a Christian’s duty. I also believe however that working hard and enjoying the fruits of that labor is important. God wants us to enjoy our lives. We only get one of them. We need to make a difference with the time we have. There is a time for everything and we must be able to know the difference.

Americans it seems have a hard time taking the time to slow down. Do parents slow down and spend the quality time with their children? Do married couples take the time to truly love one another? Do we take the time to speak to our friends when they are in need? When we are so busy in our lives we forget the common decencies we have failed. Do we get so busy in our lives we can’t respond, take 10 seconds to send a text to let them know we are busy and that we will get back to them. We don’t return calls, we don’t send letters, we don’t do the smallest simplest things the let someone know we care.

Some people on the flip side of the coin do pay attention. Some people make the time to make sure their closest friends and loved ones are taken care of. Some people are so generous it’s unbelievable. Some people even as busy as there life is, they take the time to love and be generous, and live life, live a Godly life.

For me, from an early age I found it easy to take time for others. Sadly I failed in other areas. I’ve had more then enough life altering events. The day our life ends we forever loose the ability to make things right. What happens if the day it ends is also the same day it begins? If you were given a second chance to change the way you live your life, would you? How quickly do we forget what’s important in this one life we get? If we woke up one morning and found out someone we neglected wasn’t there anymore would you feel you did everything you could for that person, be there, talk to, signs of caring? Sadly in life we often miss out on the small opportunities we have to make a difference. It’s not just the big things that matter; it’s the same things also. Everyday we have the chance to reinvent ourselves, to be a better person then we were the day before, if only we realized and respected how short of a time we have, or how short of a time our loved ones have. Do not take the gifts we are given for granted. Do not underestimate the time we have. Be a joy in someone’s life. Love your life and love your friends and family. Don’t take them for granted.

Take your life out of the fast lane and slow down. See the beauty in the world around you. See the trees, the grass, the flowers, the animals, and the wonderful creation God has made for us. It only takes a few moments a day to make a difference. How will you make a difference today?

Slow down and listen.

Survivors Guilt

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Survivors Guilt

It’s been 12 years since the day it happened. 12 years ago the way I perceived time and life, the way I viewed my enemies, and the day I questioned my own self worth all changed. I don’t recall the time of day, or even the day of the week, but in Iraq none of that really matters unless you have a mission briefing, or a start time for the mission. The mission itself was simple, Early morning sunrise our mission started. Due to my injury I was a dismount during the mission. I was moved from my normal truck to dismount for someone else. We where looking for ways insurgents might be smuggling weapons into Ramadi. Our mission was to travel along the railroad tracks, and mark on GPS possible points small cars could fit through, and bypass our checkpoints. My knee killing me, and still slightly swollen I sat in back of the Humvee looking out the window. We where coming up to the railroad tracks, and the dirt cross over when a sinking gut feeling came over me. I’d never had a feeling like this before, but I felt I had to say something. I told my driver to look out for wires. He responded “Are you afraid of IED’S?” My feeling in my gut wouldn’t go away. The mission continued as normal. We went from point to point logging them, and noting them on the GPS. On our way back we stopped at a house to talk to the owner. Waiting outside and keeping watch I could hear the discussion going on at the front door. He had a single AK, but several magazines. According to law he could have 1 rifle, and 2 magazines. He argued they where for alibaba, or thiefs. Regardless, the man was forced to give up the rest of his mags. It was about that time I was looking over toward the railroad tracks. I didn’t know what I was looking at, at the time. I saw the plume of smoke first, and then the sound wave hit me. The biggest boom I’d ever heard, and the biggest bloom of smoke I’d ever seen. In the midst of the black smoke I could see a tan object 200 feet in the air. I refused to believe I saw what I thought I saw. Then our squad leader yelled IED. That’s when I realized what was had happened.

 

                                    NOTE THE FOLLOWING IS VERY GRAFIC

 We all raced back to the truck, and before the doors where shut we where hauling our butts back up to the tracks. We rounded the corner at what seemed like 60 mph. It came over the radio that Saber 4 was the truck hit. Coming up the hill we could see the truck. It looked to be in two pieces. (Out of respect of the families I’ll be keeping their names private.) I jumped out and went to the back of the truck to grab the Aid bag. Running as fast as I could with my knee still swollen, I came to the first person I could see. I recognized the mangled body instantly. A close friend of mine lay there lifeless, pale, and unresponsive. His wounds where extensive, he had massive lacerations on both legs, cuts on his neck and arms. He had a very low pulse, but before starting compressions I wanted to tie off his legs. If he where to survive I knew he’d loose his legs. I tied the tunicate as tight as I could, but it didn’t seem to matter how tight I pulled. The rope just wasn’t getting the job done. I did the best I could with it, and moved on to compressions. I check again for a pulse but this time I felt nothing. I started compressions. I pushed hard over and over. I counted each thrust, and then felt for a pulse again. I felt a low pulse, and waited for a medic. A medic I thought, our medic was in this truck! Where was he? Again feeling for a pulse and there wasn’t one. I needed to keep his heart going. I started compressions again, this time I wouldn’t stop. I pushed and pushed. I don’t know how long I pushed but eventually one of the other medics came up to me, and knelt down next to me. He reached for a pulse and said there wasn’t one. Based on how soft his chest was, and the lack of blood, Doc called him gone KIA, killed in action. I screamed at him that he wasn’t gone, but doc told me I had to let him go. I screamed no at him again, that I felt a pulse. He said something to me again, but I wasn’t listening, I was doing compressions again. Doc grabbed me from behind and pulled me off and held me in his arms. “He’s gone (My Name) .” He said softly in my ear. He held me while I struggled to get free. “(My Name) he’s gone.” He said again. I relaxed my muscles and he let me know. I leaned back to my friend. I closed his eyes, and covered his face with his fractured vest. I stood up in a fog. I looked around for our medic. Where was he? I was still unsure at what all was happening. I asked my squad leader. He was still missing. Looking around I saw a tan object about 40 meters away in the water. I asked if that was him, and was told it was too far. Leaving my rifle behind by my fallen friend I walked the road looking for my missing medic friend. He had to be in the water. He was driving. He was on that side, but wasn’t on the hill. I slid down the side of the hill, and left my vest aside. I slipped into the freezing cold water. Another buddy got in on the other side of the pond and swam to the same tan colored object I saw. I looked at his face when he got there. It told me everything I needed to know. He was gone, but I just didn’t know how bad, or the images that would haunt my dreams. He swam to me to get our friend out of the water. Lifting him out I saw how bad the injuries where. The explosion severed everything from belly button down. By this time several of the guys met us at the top of the hill to help lift our fallen medic out of the water. The side of the hill was mud, and while lifting my footing slipped, and I fell forward. I landed face first on doc’s stomach. Barely holding it together I pushed myself up and after they got Doc up and on the stretcher, a few of the guys went back to the water to look for more remains. I was helped out of water and up the hill. I grabbed my vest, my rifle, and still in a haze made my way back to my truck. I put my vest back on, and stood there looking around with a fog over my head. The captain who looked at my knee just days before was in critical, the only survivor. Our platoon Sergeant was also killed. We mounted up to escort our friend back to camp to get him off on a helicopter to Baghdad. In the 5 minute drive back radio traffic told us Doc didn’t make it. The first physician assistant to be killed during the war in Iraq. By the time we got back the Charlie med we were greeted with two of our great female medic friends. Getting down from the humvee they asked who. I didn’t realize how I said it till it came out of my mouth, but it was cold, and blunt. I couldn’t feel anything, I was still processing. All the medics much like the scouts where close friends. The girls cried, and us guys where angry. My truck commander crabbed me and swore we’d find um and kill um. I nodded in agreement. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to think.

Since then I have found myself replaying that day over in my head from time to time. The days where my anxiety is higher, or something happens to remind myself of worse times. I was then and occasionally now suffer from what’s known as survivor’s guilt. Along with the events of that dreadful day, I have an abundance of other trauma’s and my own run ins with Hell on Earth. I felt guilty for years that my gut was telling me something was wrong that day. Even though I did say something, it didn’t matter though the outcome was the same. 12 years later I still feel guilty and ashamed. I know in my heart there was nothing more I could have done to save anyone, or prevent the tragedy from happening, but my head lies to me. Now I have gone through my own physical traumas and I am faced with a new problem every day. I do hope and pray that one day I might find myself more at peace, not just from my time in Iraq, but times from before, and after.

It’s not easy loosing loved ones to cheating, or other means. The first thing is to evaluate reasonably the level of guilt that is owed to you. No one is innocent when a relationship ends, but to what level is the culpability of guilt. When we look at the Gospel we see a man Crucified that was innocent of any wrongdoing. He died to free us from eternal damnation. His death left us with hope. It is in that hope that I find comfort. No matter how hard my day, no matter how badly I feel I remember that I am a faithful child of the King. I will one day take up my place in the Kingdom and live in peace and harmony. I will not only see my loved ones who’ve died before me, but all my friends from Iraq, not just the 4 from that day, but everyone we lost. I will also see my friends who’ve died over the years. With as many people as I’ve lost close to me you’d think I was in my 60’s or 70’s. Sadly that’s not the case.

There are several lies the Devil tells to us and it’s our job to fight them.

Lie #1 You were supposed to die.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. If it were your time God would have taken you. If you’ve survived it was for a purpose, a greater meaning. We never know what our worth is, and what our part to play is. We may not always be directly responsible for something great, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t have a role to play.

LIE #2: YOU OWE A DEBT TO THE DEAD.

You don’t owe the dead anything. You owe it to yourself and those around you to honor the deads memory. You must continue to live so the memory of your friends or those you couldn’t save can live on in our hearts.

LIE #3: YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED THE DEAD FROM DYING.

Unless you’re God, which you aren’t, you cannot control if someone lives or dies. Firefighters can’t save everyone. Police can’t save everyone. Paramedics can’t save everyone, and it’s not practical to think we have the power to alter the plan. We may not always know why God takes a little child, or the honor roll student and not the drug dealer, but again the big picture we can’t see. We must have faith in God.

LIE #4: YOU ARE LESS WORTHY THAN THE PEOPLE WHO DIED.

This is just utter nonsense. Feeling down about your own self worth, thinking they were a better man, or woman then you, thinking the world would have been a better place without you and have them instead is just nonsense. Even if we could see into the future, we are all special. We’ve all overcome great odds just to be born. The Lord doesn’t make mistakes. When the world is hard, and we feel low and discouraged, that’s when it’s most important to turn to the Lord and ask for help. Seek Godly counsel from close friends who live for the Lord.

LIE #5: YOU ARE DEFINED BY YOUR PAST.

This is the one I struggle with most. In my past I am worried that telling people of my past they judge me on it. That somehow everything I’ve gone through will one day come back to haunt me. My past is what has molded me to be the man I am. I wouldn’t be here Blogging, or helping others, getting involved with ministry, had it not been for the horrible things that happened. Why was I bullied as a child, why did I move around so much, why did I loose so many friends, why have I lost two loves in my life? The answer is never simple, but it was part of the plan. We must not be our own worst critics in defining our future by our past. Make every day a new day and believe in yourself. It’s hard for others to believe in us if we don’t show ourselves the same amount of respect. Don’t let your past define you future. Put your past behind you, and focus on the good you can pull from it. Focus on the stories the testimony you can offer to those struggling through similar times.

After loosing two loves from my life I often feel similar symptoms to a death in the family. Someday my princess will come into my life. Someday I will find a place to build my castle to call Camelot. Someday I’ll find my peace in this world. Someday the battle will be over and God wiling I will be able to make and have my own family. Patience if seems is my biggest fight. I have faith.

Don’t let go, don’t give up because you may have lived to leave behind a great legacy. Don’t stunt your own growth by living in the past. When you live in the past you miss your present, and destroy your future. We only get one shot at this life, and because of it, we need to have fun. Enjoy life, and God will provide for us the fruits of our labor, and replace the suffering with adulation and love.

 

Heartbreak

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Heartbreak

The word isn’t one to get tossed around lightly. I believe there are different kinds of pain associated with loss, and even that loss has different levels. When we loose a loved one, family, we feel the sinking hole left in their absence. What happens when the loved one is a spouse? This type of loss can be the most painful. There’s a difference in pain from where they die, and lost by personal choice. That is a different kind of pain entirely.

When you find yourself in deep love with someone, and you believe in your heart that love is by definition 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 “4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.” The only source of truth that’s suitable is this. Love is a tricky thing. We all say we feel love, but I dare say most do not ever live up to 1 Corinth. I would say the biggest issue is that of loyalty. When the loyalty fails, the so called love one used to feel disappears, and all that’s left is the bitterness of years passed, a pesky reminder that’s more like limb or appendage being removed by force.

After 7 years and overcoming as many obstacles as any family could, it would seem that the journey to creating a family would finally be on its way when fate it seems would hold a different direction indeed. We never truly know what would happen in given situations, but rest assured, when the time comes to be tested, sometimes a bad situation a dire event can cause a chain of events that are capable of taking everything you’ve ever built to the bedrock. It’s in those moments when your character is most tested.

After one set back after another, one crushing blow following another, the heart can only break so much before rebuilding must occur. Many people deal with heartbreak in different ways. Some will recluse themselves from the world. They hide in their comfort zone for how ever long and they don’t let anyone in to help them. They want to be alone in their pain, and for some this is okay. Others bury their pain and seek comfort in others. Some seek sexual comfort in many partners, and they do this long enough till one day they find themselves out of control, or worse pregnant or an unexpected father. Some people choose substances to hide or manage their pain. Substances like prescription pills, alcohol, or elicit drugs to name a few. Other forms of addiction may form, this includes gambling, throwing themselves into sports or video games, some instances sex becomes the addiction. Regardless, these addictions, these methods of coping do nothing but hurt in the long run.

Some resort to self inflicted harm. Most women use small razors to cut themselves, the legs, arms, some place that can be easily hidden from the world. Self-harm or mutilation is an extreme coping mechanism. This also is the unhealthiest one. Men however use more violent measures, guns, different kinds of pain.

No matter the form of coping you find yourself in, no matter how far along you’ve gone down a road of self destructive behavior it’s never too late to change your life. The road to recovery especially when we are hurt intentionally over and over again can be incredibly difficult and time consuming.

There are many passages of scripture that can be found to help those in need, those who suffer from a broken heart.

Psalms 147:3 “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.”

 Psalms 73:26 “My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.”

1 Corinthians 13:7 “Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”

Psalms 55:22 “Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.”

 Whichever course your life has gone down, whatever coping mechanism you have, however deeply you’ve been wounded know there is always help out there for you. The future though cloudy and uncertain for us all may not be what you had envisioned, but you can build any future you wish. It’s said God does not close a door unless it’s for a good reason, and with that reason a window shall be open for you instead. It’s not for us to know why sometimes, bad things happen, but instead embrace them. Today’s pain may lead to great and wonderful things tomorrow. God isn’t Santa but with prayer and showing we can handle the blessings, the many gifts God has to offer us, we may find joy once more.

The pain felt in a single message can be horribly tender to our heart. The heart can ache with an intensity we may feel is never going to go away but in reality it always heals, even if the scar is an unsightly one. The sorrow from knowing she’s at the very least on the surface happy is a tough pill to swallow. How can we expect to live a happy life when the little things remind us so much of what we’ve lost, what we had? Distance yourself from external pain sources, but remember we can rebuild, and we can build new memories. Love is a cherished emotion, but it’s not something to come around lightly. God doesn’t want us to be alone, but understand the time and place far better then we do. Love if we are not ready for it will just turn out disastrous. Love when we are susceptible for great things, will be a beautiful gift.

No matter where you are in the process, just remember we must grow we must be ready for love and believe when it’s our time we will not fail. Love is a gift, and we should not be too impatient, even if that’s all we want to do. The future may not be in focus, but the turn around the bend may be greater then you know. Have faith.

 

 

I got a friend in Jesus.

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I got a friend in Jesus.

I see a silhouette of the man I once was. It’s like a flashpoint on the wall of just an outline of the old man, the burn marks that surrounded the intense heat of the fire that burnt down my life. Like the phoenix something beautiful can be born from the ashes. Like that majestic bird rising and taking flight Jesus also rose from the dead, more beautiful then we could ever comprehend. Christ became the embodiment of perfection. Heaven is our perfect home that we only need to believe and follow to be accepted into. No matter the road we are led down, we must remember that the fire will get put out. When your life is burnt to ashes we must learn to rise up better then before. John 3:16-18 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” When we run through our life we have our hurdles and our pain, our joy and happiness. Hebrews 12:1 “Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset [us], and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,”

A quote from a famous movie I heard once was “”Life is an endless series of train-wrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness.” (Deadpool) As cenacle as that may be, I’d say in life we should generally be more happy then not. Yes we are promised hardships, but we got a friend in Jesus. John 15:13 “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” There are a plethora of verses that Jesus calls us friends. John 15:15 “Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.” Jesus is the great phoenix and he has offered to carry us on his wings to take us home when our journey has ended. Never give up hope for God never gave up hope on us. We truly are the Champions for Christ, we truly are the Champions over Satin and everything he tried to destroy. Don’t loose faith, take the challenge end never stop fighting till the day God calls you home. Keep fighting and never surrender to the evil ones calls.