Why do I feel the way I do?
I’ve been considering an awful lot about my future these last few weeks I’ve been in recovery. I’ve been wondering why it’s been so hard to meet new people. I’ve been wondering why every plan I’ve had since my separation started has blown up in my face. I’ve been wondering why every new potential lady I’ve met has ghosted me. What does that say about me? Am I being prepared for something more in the future, or something I’m supposed to learn right here and now? While of course I won’t ever have an answer the questions come regardless.
A verse that popped out at me today Hebrews 4:12 “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” While I have begged for a change of heart, a change in the way I feel in certain circumstances, I have yet to overcome a particular character flaw, or at least what I perceive as a flaw. God can see what is in our heart of hearts. He sees beyond the mask we wear and show those around us. God sees everything and knows our deepest thoughts, even the ones we may bury so deep we ourselves don’t see them. The truth in the word can often cut us deep to the bone. My personal experience has led me to feel the conviction on more then one occasion. There was a major event last year that touched me. There was a sermon on forgiveness that I needed to hear just one day after I found out about a serious wrong against me by someone I cared for.
Hebrews 4:13 “Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in his sight: but all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do.” God knows what we need and when we need it. The right message at the perfect time and when we don’t listen to the word the message is sent to us one way or another, and perhaps by force. The Father wants what’s best for us, and sometimes when the father wants to teach children a particular lesson you have to have a more stern teaching method. Though I’m not a father, and I never had a father, I pay attention to the fathers of my close friends. As I have often felt bitter about the way my life has gone, the hardships I’ve faced and I am forced to remind myself that scripture is full of those who went through so much pain prior to death. Moses, Joseph, Stephen, Paul, David (Prior to becoming King), and of course the suffering and crucifixion of Jesus Christ. If my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ could go through torture, relinquishing any pride, and knowing what was at stake, our immortal souls free from eternal damnation.
Knowing all of this, why do I still feel like I’m not good enough? Romans 7:14-20 “For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.” Knowing I am special and unique because I am of God’s creation does not stop my own self worth being in question. Perhaps the biggest issue is the built in flaw that we see as a flaw, but what if that flaw isn’t a flaw at all. 2 Corinthians 12:7 “So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.” While I am always willing to admit I’m wrong, and I may be on the built in flaw aspect, it would make sense to ensure we aren’t conceited. For me my biggest failing is my self worth, and the need for social interaction. I guess one of the biggest things to face is the problem, and admitting there is one, or at least something to work on. While it’s very possible that these flaws are there to give us something to always work on. None of us are perfect because we can’t be. Sin prevents perfection and the sooner we realize what our flaws are, accept them, and focus on fixing them to the best of our ability we can realize we are exactly as God created us.
Every waking day we fight because the battle doesn’t stop just because we don’t want to fight anymore. While I would love nothing more to drop off the grid, if I could manage the solitude I have often questioned if anyone would miss me. I have often questioned if I could get over my social requirements if I could actually survive out on my own. I have questioned if I could manage to live on a boat by myself on the sea, in a cabin in the woods, and just survive without the influence of the world. The world beats us down and some people have more struggles then others. The path and struggle although painful and full of sacrifice, the end result is something more. We can either embrace the fire or run from it. I feel the way I do because the world has been a cruel and unforgiving place full of pits and spikes, and flaming arrows that have burned down my life more then once. The house can always be rebuilt if the foundation is strong. A tree can be cut back and cut back, but with strong roots it can grow again. When the world burns down the house to the foundation rebuilding takes time. So long as we realize rebuilding can’t and won’t happen over night, we can be in the right mindset that rebuilding is a chance to change, a chance to fix mistakes, make things bigger and stronger then they were before. To purge the old and make way for the new, but there will be hardships along the way, there will be tests, but know that God never allows you to go through the tests until you’re ready to overcome them. Be brave and keep calm, buckle your armor and prepare for the next step, the next chapter and face the enemy head on.
The Arrow Preacher 