Tag: faith

Content with Weaknesses

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Content with Weaknesses

I’ve been pondering the sunrise and what it means to me. I’ve been pondering what I’m supposed to learn and what I’m supposed to do. I’ve been pondering why I’m here, and what this situation can teach me. I ask God for guidance, for blessings. I have come to realize in my so many years of living that the blessings I may have gotten are not necessarily blessings I’ve come to realize are actually good things for me. As I’ve questioned all of this and now I’m 1 week after surgery I find myself in a very different place then I have been in the past. I’ve been looking at my scars I’ve accumulated and it’s hard not to travel down memory lane.

One year ago I was on a trip that would ultimately change my life forever. It would start a turn of events that would forever change and alter life as I knew it. I would loose my wife, I would nearly loose my life, I would loose my job, I would eventually loose my home, and in the end my body would finally give up, and give out, and thus where I am 10 months later. As I now find myself living with my mother something that hasn’t been for 17 years. It’s a change to get used to for sure. As I’m sure there are reasons for everything that’s happened it’s difficult to take a step back from how different things are, the hope that things could go back, and even sometimes pray they would. As I’ve become more familiar with the change that’s going on around me, and even in my yearning to not give in to the ever changing life around me, I believe I’m finally starting to succumb to the change, and as parts of me are excited for the change, other parts hold onto the past.

As I am now stranded and not allowed to drive, I can’t lift, and bend, and stretch. I don’t have my things unpacked, and as I’m looking at the future, the 5 weeks I have left seem like an eternity. I find some things I once enjoyed doing, now seem like so much work or effort I can’t seem to put my finger on why I no longer feel the enjoyment I used too. I find myself missing things I once had that now seem like such a past memory that I’m forgetting the finer things in life.

For 10 years I lived my life with the comfort of a woman in my life. For 10 years I knew the touch of love, the smell of perfume, and the feel of soft lips on mine. Being single now since September and having absolutely no luck in the dating seen, the online dating seen, or anywhere in between, I find myself more and more frustrated. I can hear my pastor now, “you’ve got to learn to be comfortable with yourself, and in God’s time you will be knocked off your feet by the blessings you’ll get when it’s the right time, and when you AREN’T LOOKING FOR IT!” Yes, yes, I hear you.

I’m sure the good Lord has something planned for me, whether I know or understand it myself, and the truth is that’s the defining feature of faith. We may not ever see the direction, the plan, the lessons, but knowing they are there and knowing that God is in the drivers seat.

While I cannot for the life of me fully understand how my life’s taken such a turn to mirror Job’s life, I must remain in the faithful that my life will one day be restored to a glorious state that I can look back on this last year and hold it up as a bad dream. While we never know what the sunrise will bring, what we know is there’s a greater plan then what we could possibly ever know.

One thing I’ve been forced to see and something I’ve struggled with especially after the way in which my marriage ended was my own self worth, my own self-esteem, why was I not loveable, why was I disposable, expendable. For months after I questioned myself, I thought so poorly of myself the bottom of the barrel was actually looking pretty high. I’ve prayed day in and day out that somehow, someway, I’d be able to move forward. What I have wanted may not be what’s best for me, but as I fractured into two people 10 months ago, there’s the man that was the past, and the man that was the future. That fractured self has been at war, at odds now for all that time, and the war still rages on, an internal fight for the very future and when I look into the mirror I don’t know who I’m looking at anymore. I question God every day and in all that time I still haven’t come up with the answers I seek. Did I not love enough? Did I hold on to tightly? Did I give too many freedoms? Was I too trusting? What I not trusting enough? Did I just grow old and wasn’t important anymore? What would cause so many in my life to leave me high and dry, quit on me, and leaves? Looking at the math I’ve questioned how 415 Facebook friends, an entire church, several friendships from other jobs who either have nurse friends or are married to nurse’s who work in larger hospitals, yet with all my connections, and 10 months later on several dating apps and reaching out myself I find myself no closer to finding a date or anyone that a legitimate relationship would be possible. After so long and so many failures it’s easy to start to question ones self.

No matter how much we start to doubt ourselves there’s something we should remember. In all things remember 2 Corinthians 12:5-10 “5 On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses—6 though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Do not be prideful, do not be afraid to look in the mirror and smile at the creation God made. I have to believe that while I am alone now, and have been for a while, there’s a reason. I have to believe that God’s perfect plan is to make things better for me. No matter the fractured self, in time that fracture will mend, and the scars that are left behind, and there are scars, will be a reminder of the life of old, and the future that remains, a fresh canvas in which to pain a new work of art for the glory of God.

 

Luke 4:18

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Luke 4:18

“18 The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,”

 No matter the state we find ourselves in, no matter the situation of the day, we know that the Lord is always with us. We know that in our walk we will face turmoil, we will face hardships that no man should ever see, we will see horrors and our lives will become nightmares of reality. The spirit, the holy ghost that fills the air with the presence of God. No matter what state I seem to find myself in, I am learning that my life seems to turn around when instead of complaining about it, I find someone I can preach the word too. While it doesn’t always make me feel better, it’s only a matter of time and things turn around for me.

Isaiah 61:1

“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;”

The truth that rings from the sweet sounds of scripture, are truth to pass through the ages. What was truth in the Old Testament is truth in the New. The truth is we will always have hardships, and as soldiers for Christ we will always be the targets of the Devils attacks. Sometimes the attacks on the most faithful, the strongest of soldiers are the most hurtful. Look at Job for instance. Here’s a man who was faithful to the Lord, refused to rebuke the Lord even when everything he knew was ripped away from him. I propose what we do in our times of trouble are to reach deep into the word and pull out something we can use for each individual situation.

Sometimes helping others allows us to put our own lives, our own problems into perspective. It’s hard to see the forest through the trees, and we don’t always make the right decisions while on the ground. From a birds eye view the path seems clear, but when you’re the one running the labyrinth it can be a dark, scary, lonely place. When we are down and alone, as hard as it is, try to remember as much as it hurts to be on your own, feel the Holy Spirit with you, around you, in you, and know that you aren’t alone. Some days it may be harder to feel then others, and some days when the bitter, icy cold sleet hits you in the face, know that the shelter from the storm is only a word away.

Luke the Jedi to take out the Empire fought the fight under insurmountable odds and with the Force on his side immerged victorious. With the Force of God on our side we may get knocked down and our hands my get cut off by an evil Sith Lord but we always learn to get back up, and even if we have to take a major plunge of faith, we can find a way out. The path out can be shown to us by the Holy Ghost but it may not be what we think is should or could be. The path we may be led to walk might be littered with thistles and thorns but we can always pull out our own lightsaber and cut away what’s in our way. Allow God to guide you, and you too can make a difference.

God, protect me oh my Lord, give me the strength and guidance to continue to do good works. Allow me the strength to carry on and continue to fight the wiles of the devil. Give me the words to write, the message to spread, and continue to bless my family and me.

Throat Punch A Shark

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Throat Punch A Shark

Swimming in the ocean is a risky business. We’ve all seen some kind of shark movie, we’ve all seen the news and heard about the occasional shark attack. The great white shark is the greatest of predators of the oceans and perhaps the greatest in the entire world. Every single creature to include mankind is afraid of the great white. Although there are fewer attacks on humans by Great Whites than the Bull Shark, it’s undeniable that the Great White is not a force to be reckoned with. If we are to make a comparison the Devil, the serpent that slithered around the world to and fro, the lion searching for souls to devour the greatest hunter of all eternity, is more like a Shark that rises from the depths of darkness and attacks unsuspecting victims. The shark that attacks anything that appears to be pray is indiscriminant.

The Devil’s attacks come from the darkness of the world. The deep trenches of our souls that are littered with greed, lies, lust, selfish ambition, and even the more heinous of sins, murder, rape, abuse, all can be attributed to the evil that is brought out by the Devil. Power, the word itself gives birth to a platitude of mental pictures ranging from good, to pure evil in content. The Devil craves the power and thus takes the lives of anyone He can, of anyone that will fall pray to the attacks from the darkness. The shadow that falls over the land and allows a man to cheat on his wife, allows the man to murder his neighbor, allows a young girl to steal and lie to her parents, the drug dealer giving poison to kids, the sicko who kidnaps and tortures kids for years on end. All of this is the darkness that covers the whole of the earth, and if we aren’t careful it attacks us like a great white attacking a seal from the deep.

How do we defend against the shark of the deep? When we are floundering around the great big blue of the oceans of life, we can be easy pray for the Devil to try and devour us. The ocean can be a lonely place when you’re floating around unaccompanied, but even more when the sun goes down, and the blackness of the night, and abyss of the water turn terrifying. Picture yourself in a life raft, bouncing around on the waves and the small raft is bumped in the middle of the night. You can’t see the aggressor, but you are jolted from one side to another with each bump. The psychological warfare that ensues, every bump, every small splash in the water, what do you do when the psychological becomes physical? What do you do when the shark no longer taunts you, but instead starts to bite at the raft? What do you do when the shark starts to rip apart your only way to stay afloat and you’re in the water! The shark bumps you, rubs your leg, sizes you up, and you know and feel the attack is coming.

1 Peter 5:8-9 “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.” Even when we feel like we are the only one who is going through pain and suffering, when we feel like we are the ones in the vast ocean alone with no one around, we must realize that, that feeling is simply an illusion. When the shark tries to attack from below simply draw back your spiritual fist and punch that Devil Shark right in the throat. Throat punch that shark and watch it scurry away like a scared hyena being attacked by Mufasa. The Devil thrives in the darkness, so when we proclaim the name of Jesus, the light of the world, the Devil cannot remain. The Devil will try again and again to break you, to destroy you, to turn you into a weak little bunny. If we learned anything from the movie Zootopia, we know that even an unexpected little bunny can have more fight then that of a roaring lion. The key to fighting the Devil is never loosing sight of the real enemy. Never loosing sight of the fact that the Devil will try every which way to get in, every way to hurt you, to break your spirits. If you stand firm and you learn how to fight back, the Devil can’t beat you. Obviously if a real shark were attacking you, you don’t punch it in the throat, you actually punch it in the eyes, but who doesn’t like the idea of punching a shark in the throat. The best way to fight a spiritual war is to understand the enemy and understand the weapons at your disposal. Scripture is the best way for all of us to understand how to live our Godly walk, and how to fight the attacks from the deep.

No matter the attacks that come, keep fighting the fight, keep swimming along, and never loose sight of the bigger picture. Don’t let that shark sneak up on you and when it does, give it a nice tiger claw punch to the throat.

The Green Meadow

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The Green Meadow

The sound of water flowing is a peaceful pillow to close your eyes too. The smell of the meadow sweet and slightly bitter of the grass fills your senses. The bright of the cloudless day overhead, only shadows are from the nearby trees. The sun radiates on your skin, the warmth, the touch of that light, the heat that fills your entire body reminds you you’re alive, the day is high, and the joy that the sun brings is one that is rarely felt. The joy of the sun is only matched by the joy of a kiss. Not just any kiss however, the kiss, the kiss that feels like you’re touching a live wire, the one that sends electricity throughout your entire body, the one that feels like a static charge in your hips, your arms, your very soul. The joys that one kiss brings, the joy of the kiss, and the heat, the joys that feeling are unmatched by anything else.

When you feel warmth and the joys of life, the gifts from God are not to be underestimated. The breeze that provides the slight relief to makes the sun bearable. The joys and gifts given to by God are much like the sun, much like the warmth and the breeze. If we do not understand those gifts, if we take those gifts for granted we may miss the point. The hope we feel day to day and the warm meadows we find ourselves in, we must understand that when we misunderstand, misuse our gifts from God, they can and will be taken away from us.

As some who destroy lives are also given gifts of pleasure, those gifts are those of the Devil to keep the lie going. We ask how so many who do so wrong are happy. That happiness is an illusion that God will eventually right the wrongs when the time is right. All these things, the puzzle pieces that are put together will fit when God deems they fit. The grassy meadow our piece, our joy, can turn to burned ash in a moments notice. The fighter inside tells me to fight for the just, protect those who are weak, fight for the injustice, and never give up being one of Gods warriors. Find peace in the butterfly, the beauty of a spider’s web, the snores of a favored dog, the sounds of the chirping crickets. Quiet your mind and hear the sounds of the wonders of the world around you. Trust in love of God and marvel in His glory.

I Need A Hero

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I Need A Hero

Holding Out For A Hero : Bonnie Taler

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need

[Chorus:]
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ’til the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

 

 

So, here’s a fun fact about me, I suffer from white knight syndrome. I want to feel like I am useful, and when I see someone I care about in distress I have an almost uncontrollable urge to swoop in and save the day. I have had many loved ones, many friends in serious need, but I often find myself left feeling my efforts went unnoticed. Romans 15:1-2 “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.” We who are strong can be used by God to do great things. We are called to lift up our neighbors in time of need. This is even more evident for the ones we care about. John 11:41-44 “41 Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, Father, I thank thee that thou hast heard me. 42 And I knew that thou hearest me always: but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that thou hast sent me. 43 And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth. 44 And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go.” Jesus was very fond of Lazarus, and he did something uniquely special, he raised someone from the dead, someone he cared for deeply.

 

No matter where we are in our lives we can always be a hero to someone. If you looked someone in the eyes would you see their pain? What can you offer someone that might help them? A hello, a friendly hug, a couple bucks of spare change to help out, a card to show them you’re thinking about them? There’s so many little ways you can show someone you care. Why, just a few days ago I made a mindfulness glitter jar for someone I loved. It’s small, it doesn’t take a lot of time or effort, but it’s the thought and effort that does go into it that means a lot. While I received a thank you for it, it almost seemed empty, but the fact is, that doesn’t matter. If we do things for validation we’ll always be let down. Being validated by man is only a worldly validation. Doing the right things and knowing that the things you do are pleasing for God, that’s the only validation you should ever need in your life. You can’t go through your life constantly disappointed in your lack of validation. People will never be as thankful as you want, or even see you for the effort you put in, however, God will always see what’s in your heart. You have to do good because it’s the right thing to do, you can’t do good because you want to be recognized for it. You must learn to let go of the worldly need for acceptance and realize that the Father in Heaven is all you will ever need. Doing things for the betterment of the world, and for the glory of God is the true meaning of being a Hero. Who are you going to be?

 

Throat punched

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Throat punched
So as I sit here with my neck in a brace, when I talk not only do I sound it, I feel like I’ve been throat punched. Yes that’s what happens when you have surgery. But let me tell you. I couldn’t be more lucky. Gods grace and perfect timing all the time. 
There were complications in surgery. My disc ruptured and fluid went into my spinal column. They cleaned it up but I needed to be closely watched. There may have been some hematoma around my incision. 
Thankfully the rupture was found and didn’t do permanent damage. In all the CT’s, the risky MRI (because of shrapnel in my lung) not one of these scans showed the disk had ruptured. As I’m not a doctor I cannot obviously speak clearly of the dangers of that fluid where it doesn’t belong. But I do know it’s BAD! 
Because Gods perfect in His timing and love everything went well even with the complications. Even the new raspier voice I have just plays into effect when I wear the mask. All things considered I’m pretty darn happy. 
Yesterday I couldn’t squeeze my ball and now I can squeeze it with all my might and it’s beautiful. I can walk with my head held high and arms swinging. Gods touched my body through the hands of my surgeons and have given me my life back. I may have some troubles the rest of my life but for now, it seems all of that is within acceptable limits. 
Believe in the power of prayer and love. From the prayer shawl I received from my church, the love of my Associate Pastor, my mom, and everyone near and far that prayed for me before during and after my surgery. All this prayer I have felt the reward. I know I live on to fight the Devil for another day. 
For you all wary souls like my one was, take heart knowing the Lord of all the wonders of this world is with you, right there suffering your sufferings. Believe and know the faithful, the just, the kind, will be rewarded. We may not always say or do the right things to one another but we must know it and apologize for it. Own up to our mistakes and ask for the forgiveness we should. 
Stay connected to God and be blessed by his touch. God bless all of you! 

Glory

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Glory 
My heart is torn, it’s broken and battered. I try and fight I try to stand tall and continue fighting but days like today when I feel I can’t take anymore, a reminder of Gods plan and how it can shape our future in an instant reminded me that nothing in the future is set till it happens. 
Faith in the Lord above isn’t always easy. In times we are at our lowest the moment of truth often comes quick and when we least expect it. Do we choose the path of God, trust in him even when we can’t see path. We must learn to trust in the Lord even when that path seems full of dangerous vipers, scorpions, pitfalls, and other dangerous traps. Faith in God isn’t for the easygoing, it can be tough even for the most devout. But keep fighting the fight because Glory last forever. 

The Improvised

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The improvised 
Sitting here in the ER alone as I’ve sent mom home to rest, gather supplies, and get ready for the long day, I find myself pondering what I guess most people ponder when looking at a life altering surgery. Who are my loved ones, who cares who doesn’t? Is my Will complete and dang did I leave the stove on? I am reminded of so many one liners but I’ll spare all of you the boring repartee and just know that I haven’t forgotten about my avid readers. I may be out for the day, but as long as I have a phone I’ll still work my guru magic and post something. 
While I was here I was able to doodle a little something and while it’s not finished because as you’ll all see I’m no artist, I haven’t lost sight of my goal. I will continue to work on my ministries and with Gods grace continue to touch lives. So as I get ready for what looks so far to be surgery, back surgery it is. While the surgeons are deliberating and I’m going on almost 24 hours awake, I’m reminded of some bible verses. 
1 Peter 1:6-7 “6 Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: 7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:”
Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose.”
We may have setback and we may have plans that go off the rails but even in the darkest of days the brightest of flowers may still bloom. 

Walking Judgments

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Walking Judgments 7-2-17

As I walk through my building with mud from my boots to my knees I am filled with so many negative judgments of myself. I get the impression the people in the building are staring at me. I imagine what they are thinking, and envision the thoughts of disgust and jokes. I felt insecure and embarrassed by my appearance. The more I walked through the building a second judgment started to creep into my mind. No one noticed, I think to myself. Was that true? Had no one noticed in 7 floors did no one notice my dreadful appearance? Then I try to imagine which one was worse, that fact those who did probably passed negative judgments, or that I am so insignificant at my job that no one would notice at all.

Bad judgments all around swirl in an out of thought with little regard of a purpose. It’s hard going through life always casting judgments around like a snow blizzard falling to the ground. We try and try to squish the uprising before they reach the surface, but always too little too late.

Checking The Facts:

 

  1. I was involved with the rescue of a man who was ejected from his vehicle.
  2. Without going home I was already doing to be 20 minutes late for work
  3. I did a good thing by stopping and helping.
  4. Negative judgments happen and we can’t always change that.

It’s hard to face when we think those thoughts and feelings control our day. The truth is, we often give away so much power to others, and we keep very little for ourselves. The pain we hold onto deep inside is often the reason we give up so much, and allow so much negativity to infect or infest our lives.

Are our biggest self-judgments linked to our biggest fear? I believe the answer is yes. For example my biggest fear is abandonment. When I am dating someone I feel I will not be good enough and they will leave. When I’m working I fear I won’t be good enough at my job, or not be needed at my position. The truth is when it comes to both the judgments of others shouldn’t affect me as much as they do. We obviously know the old saying “sticks and stones my break my bones but names will never hurt me.” We know that’s a crock of crap. We know that words do hurt because were human, and we have feelings. We know that bullying does hurt us, that someone we love when they say cruel things often cut the deepest. The key to overcoming that is repetitive action of telling yourself Jesus loves you, and the judgment of God is the most important thing. We cannot live our lives listening to the lies were told by the world.

Today’s society is obsessed by looks, everything on TV is about looking right, makeup, fashion, and as always TV shows must have the most attractive people on the planet. We watch this worldview all around us and it sinks in and when we look in the mirror we don’t see that perfect image. I myself have struggled with my limitations and even recently as I’ve tried to get back into the dating world, I see myself as a failure. It’s a tough pill to swallow and when it seems there’s so much against you it’s hard not to pass judgments upon yourself. I’m not very good at this myself; I’m not good at keeping a positive attitude about myself. I often think negative thoughts about my looks, my voice, my life, and I often think of myself as a failure in my love life and even my professional life. To top it off as more and more of my close friends are becoming parents I look at my own life and as 7 years with my ex wife came to a close and realizing I still don’t have the family I’ve always prayed for, the children I’ve always wanted, I judged myself to be a failure and I truly felt it deep down into my heart. I realize this isn’t Gods plan for me, and I realize the little voice feeding me the negative emotions, the harmful thoughts are Satan whispering in my ear, and it’s incredibly difficult to ignore.

As I confess my deepest fears, my deepest failings, I don’t do so to gather sympathy, but the opposite, to spread hope. As I have been faced with so much in the last year, and throughout my life, I know that God is still on my side, I know that all these years of pain God’s been there in the trenches with me. “I’ve paid my dues, time after time, I’ve done my sentence but committed no crime. And bad mistakes I’ve made a few. I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face but I’ve come through… We are the champions, my friends, and we’ll keep on fighting ‘til the end.” We all know the song, we all know Queen’s ‘We are the Champions’. Let me tell you, as long as we have God on our side, we are the champions of this world, because we will live in Eternity with the creator of all. We will overcome all our trials, our troubles, and we will be dubbed champions over death, if we just allow Christ into our lives. In Christ we will always rise above hate, bigotry, fear, sorrow, loss, and disappointment. We never know what tomorrow will bring. We will always feel the rainbow of emotions, but we will always have help getting through the tough days we WILL have. Have faith in the lord. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understand. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

To the brink and back a survivors story

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To the brink and back a survivors story

A while back a guy I knew was going through a pretty rough time. He was depressed, and he was lonely with the whole world around him. His beautiful wife seemed to be going through a lot on her side of the fence also. See they’d been together for a while and there seemed to be some distance growing between them. He wanted to rush in and fix it, he wanted to be there and close the gap. She wanted space, and distance, and she started to grow attached to someone else. Eventually the affair would occur and he’d be left with trying to pick up the pieces of a broken home. When he realized there may be something deeper going on he decided to stay and fight. He devoted himself to doing things differently, hoping that she’d see the change and stay, but that’s not what happened. She left and with it taking the last bit of dignity he had. The day the gunshot rang out the world as he knew it changed. No hope, no belief that tomorrow would ever be better, he was overwhelmed and something snapped. His fight or flight response shut down and all he could see was his own pain. He wasn’t considering anyone else, or how his actions might affect them, and sadly, his actions would drastically hurt others. He chose the least vital place he could think of to cause pain but not death. He put a 9mm hallow through his shoulder. He knew it wouldn’t hit much because there’s not much there to hit. He was wrong though and the mistake nearly killed him. The bullet chipped his left clavicle when the gun jumped as he pulled the trigger. The bullet changed direction going down through his lung fracturing 3 ribs before going out his back. Ribs 2,3, and 7 each fractured and as the lung collapsed he lost consciousness. The pain he caused the loved ones around him was extensive. His blood loss should have killed him, but in the later weeks as he recovered he would tell the story how he apologized to God and God sent him back. Many people have been skeptical if what he heard and felt was just in his head, but it was strong enough to change who he is to this day.

While he still suffers from the injuries both physical and emotional the ones he’s most concerned with now are the people he hurt. His wife was traumatized by the incident. He told me once that he didn’t think she’d care one way or another. The problem is when we are consumed by our own pain it’s difficult, nay impossible to see or feel the pain from others. We can’t allow pain, and grief, and anger to fill us up to the point of absolute blindness to the people around us who love us and care for us. Even when there are arguments, or disagreements, that doesn’t mean the person hates you, it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. No matter the pain we feel we can’t let that push us to do crazy dangerous things. Tomorrow will always come, and it’s better to win the war than the battle. There’s so much anger towards him by his friends for what he did. For a long time he didn’t understand that anger, he felt like he was the victim. The truth is they are both right. In each perspective pain was dealt. Traumas were experienced by those who were there and took care of him lying on the ground bleeding, and friends felt as if he was leaving them all behind to fend for themselves. Suicide is often looked at as a coward’s way out, and to some that perspective may be their truth. We must understand the nature of a vantage point, and learn to see beyond our own ideals, our own feelings, and try to understand the feelings of others. Not to say truth isn’t truth because it is. There are things we must know are true and there’s no debate in that truth. But when there’s a feeling behind a thought we must not allow ourselves to degrade someone because feelings are powerful. We don’t want to inadvertently pass judgment and do more harm because we don’t know why they feel a particular way, what got them to that point.

This is particularly important in a marriage. We may disagree on particular areas but the biggest question is, is the fight worth it? As the old saying goes, learn to pick your battles. If my friend could do one thing it would be take away the pain he caused. He often comes to me for prayers and for forgiveness. Forgiveness is a tricky thing when it comes to forgiving yourself. When we walk through life every day and are reminded of the pain we caused, it’s difficult to forgive ourselves when we know others haven’t forgiven us. The best things we can do is pray, and hope for forgiveness someday. We can never take back our actions, our words, but we can try to be mindful of what we say and do because those things can have lasting repercussions. Self-forgiveness starts with repentance. We can apologize but something big like that, it’s important to show those within your orbit that you truly are sorry for it, and know that you are trying everything you can do to make it better. My friend’s told me time and again how badly he wishes he could go and take back what happened that day. As he starts going down that rabbit hole I remind him often of the song by Casting Crowns, “What if you could go back and relive one day of your life all over again, and unmake the mistake that left you a million miles away from the you, you once knew, now yesterday’s shame keeps saying that you’ll never get back on track.” The truth in that is you’ll never get back to the you, you once knew. You’re never too far gone, but even as you turn around you’ll never be the same. It’s not about being the same, you don’t want to be the same. You want to be stronger, you want to be confident, and embrace your mistakes so you’ll never have to relive them again. God’s always with us no matter how far off track we get, and if you believe that after one step in the right direction the rest of the steps will get easier over time. When you’re walking on that path walking through the fire you burn your old self away. Hard Love by NeedToBreath “It’s not enough to just feel the flame You’ve gotta burn your old self away.” Embrace the fire and allow yourself to undergo the transformation to follow Christ. It’s a hard love but it’s worth it in the end. Give up and fall under God’s grace.

If my friend can come back from such a near death experience and be showered in God’s love, God’s grace and God’s blessings you can to. He turned his life around and everything he’s suffered through he takes none of the credit for his continued survival. Everything he has now he knows came from God, and he knows he wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for Gods grace. He’s got some great opportunities coming up and he’s excited to see how he can use his life, his gifts for Christ. I hope many of you can see the power of Gods grace and love. Let his life and success story be an inspiration to all of you. God Bless.