Tag: Faith In God

God Never Fails

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God Never Fails

We may fault and even break in our lives. We may fall to anger and we let our own fears dictate and rule over our emotions.

I can remember a time in my life when I was so angry with God. I fully believed that God was cruel, and mean, and vengeful. I felt that my suffering was because God sat back and did nothing while my tears and blood stained the ground. I let my fear turn to anger and anger clouds judgment. I was terrified and even though my feelings fit the facts, I didn’t cope very well. I forgot one major part of following Christ, having the trust that we’d never be left alone. I forgot to have faith and know that I didn’t cause what happened to me, and neither did God. People are sinful and make their own choices. People choose to walk along the dark path away from God. Sadly by the time I realized where I had gone wrong I was laying on the ground bleeding out.

We all have choices in our lives and sometimes our emotion mind is in full gear and nothing else seems relevant. The actions that come from full-blown emotion mind can be wonderful, but also disastrous. The years come and go and the debris still litters the ground with the destructive hurricane force of stupid decisions.  One feeling that has remained is that of weakness. When the pain and fear take over and decisions are made from EM, even as rare as that might be, I often find myself feeling weak. I don’t usually have a problem with temptations, but feelings of worthlessness, grief, regret, those are my biggest enemies apart from a constant feeling of loneliness. I know 2 Corinthians12:9  “He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Despite knowing what scripture says, it’s hard to fill my heart with it to the point where something fundamentally changes. Reality is much harder then I personally think it should be.

When my ex wife had an affair I stayed loyal to her. I stood by her side when another man was brought to the house. I stood by her side when I was placed in jail over something that was a lie. All of which I was exonerated, but the point was I stood by her side. People often asked me why I continued to be there for her despite the things she would do. I often placed myself in Gods shoes and I thought about all the times we let down God. All the chances we are given to right wrongs, and while God can see our hearts, I had to trust that in time my ex wife would one day come around. Two years later today, we are now divorced but we hold a friendship. I don’t necessarily agree with the path she’s taken, but she seems happy. Faith is the key, faith that people can change, and I know that one day my view of myself will change and I will see what God sees in me. It isn’t likely to be an easy path, but one I gladly take. When I stop placing my sense of value based on other people’s opinions of me, I know that I will believe in myself more.

Living in love every day isn’t easy when I don’t always feel that love. Facing rejections every day but learning to take them in stride is all part of the healing process. Joy comes from God and it’s important to remember salvation cannot be bought, it cannot be bribed, it can not be swindled, because it comes from the ransom Christ paid for our sins as he himself took on the wrath of the Father so we wouldn’t have to. No matter the path you’ve chosen in the past, the path before you, is your choice to walk or not. At any time you can choose to be different, you can choose to let Jesus Christ in your heart and become a new creation washed by the Holy Spirit. You can watch as your old self is burned away and what’s left is the Diamond built by God. You are Gods child and therefore royalty to inherit a place in Heaven for all eternity. Knowing this life is short but necessary, we can remind ourselves what’s important and continue to refocus our hearts to do Gods will, to bring Glory to the name of Jesus Christ and forever sing praises to our savior and our Heavenly Father.

What Would You Have Me Do?

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What Would You Have Me Do?

We as Christians are often hated because of our strong opinions on particular controversial matters, but in that, it comes back to doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. There comes a time when anyone must decide the path they will take and the person they want to be. The time will come when you must choose to do what is easy, or what is right. I am reminded of the scene in The Dark Knight (Spoilers Ahead) Bruce is struggling with his roll as Batman because the Joker seems intent on causing destruction and death so indiscriminately that Bruce decides to turn himself in as the Batman. He asks Alfred for his advice yet initially ignores it.

BRUCE WAYNE: “People are dying, Alfred. What would you have me do?”

ALFRED PENNYWORTH: “Endure, Master Wayne. Take it. They’ll hate you for it, but that’s the point of Batman. He can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make, the right choice.”

We as Christians often sit back and watch the world and we shake our heads in shame, but we do nothing.  We ourselves often don’t endure the hardships without turning our backs or anger towards God. We have become so fickle, so quick to anger, so quick to forget the blessings and wonderful things we have received simply from God’s grace, not because we’ve earned it or deserve anything. We are worthy of nothing, yet we are given everything. We are hypocrites yet we are Loved endlessly. We are filthy yet we are cleansed in the blood and made clean.

I can recall times in my life when I was hurting both emotionally and physically and I have cried to God that I would do anything if He’d just make the pain go away. Sadly I have never experienced a time when my suffering was miraculously taken away, but I have experienced other miracles. I’ve experienced miracles so powerful it would be difficult for me to believe anything else as truth. Jesus Christ is the true son of God, the one the prophesy foretold, and the one who came to deliver us from the bondage of Sin. Jesus paid the price for our sins but we still have to walk the journey. In the book of Acts you see a man named Saul undergo a transformation. Saul was a Roman Jew who had made it his life’s work to seek out and destroy the Christian church. Anyone who supported or followed those who followed Christ would be subject to his wrath. He caused a great deal of pain and sorrow, and in his own eyes believed he was doing the work of God. While traveling to Damascus Saul was stricken before a blinding white light. He fell to his knees with the voice of the I Am in his head. Jesus spoke to him, and Saul’s response Acts 9:6 “6 And he trembling and astonished said, Lord, what wilt thou have me to do? And the Lord said unto him, Arise, and go into the city, and it shall be told thee what thou must do.” He asked the Lord what must he do? When was the last time we asked the Lord what we must do, but not in exchange for anything, just so that we may bring glory to the Father. Saul who was renamed Paul went on to serve the Lord faithfully, and even though he was warned he would suffer long in the name of Christ he continued to serve. Paul would be beaten, imprisoned, shipwrecked, attacked by snakes, be stoned, and a number of other things all in the name of Jesus Christ. Perhaps it was his penance for the suffering he had caused the Church, but through the constant beatings, torture, and everything else he maintained his faith. He would leave behind perhaps one of the greatest testimonials in this history of mankind.

My Lord I look to you, and I ask what would you have me do? I believe I’m told to endure, to take pain because I can. I believe that it’s not just my faith in Christ, but Christ’s faith in me that tells me I can make it through anything. Sure there will be troubles ahead but that’s what it means to be a hero. Christ tells us all we will face hardships and persecution in his name. When those times come we have a choice how we’re going to handle it. I believe the best thing we can do is ask God one question, ‘what would you have me do?’ I’ve not been very good at asking this question. I’ve more often then not been the guy to ask ‘why me?’ I’ve not always been a good Christian, meaning to say I’ve not always been as faithful as I should, or even behaved, as I should. If Paul is the example of how to hold one’s self in times of crisis, then I have failed miserably. I know that I have failed, but by the grace of God, my failures are forgiven, and I keep getting up and keep putting my feet to the ground. When we live our lives according to God’s word, the peace that comes isn’t a fix to the worlds problems, but it does make those problems easier to face. The future is never certain for those of us who aren’t fortune tellers, so all we can do is trust in the Lord and know that in all things, good, bad, beautiful, and horrible, we’re never alone, and God is working out all the details, big and small. 1 Peter 5:7 “casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”

Take some time and turn to God. Take some time and find what you can do for God’s glory. No matter what happens the will of God will happen, so we can live our lives worrying ourselves to death, or we can take a breath, say a prayer, and trust in God. We must stand apart because we are apart. We are told we live in this world, but we are not of this world. The world will hate us for what we are, but that’s the nature of being a Christian. Never have we been told in good conscience that we would be given everything we ever wanted. We are given what we need, and we give far less in return. We do not stand in fight for the helpless or the hopeless. We do not stand against bullies and tyranny. We do not stand the test of time without questions or doubt. The path that is easy is to walk of this world. The path that is difficult is the one led by the cross. We must carry our cross and do so proudly. We are sinners in this world, but through the power of Christ we are different, not just in faith, but in our actions. So be different. Be a hero tonight.

Emotionally Compromised

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Emotionally Compromised

“There will always be storms, and emergencies, and chores to take care of in your day to day life. No matter how well we plan, or how careful we are there will always be just one more thing to take care of. We must always take time to rest and recharge. We must use that time to give thanks for our blessings, the grace we’ve been given, but also appreciate the hardships that come our way. The day to rest is commanded upon us, and we must allow ourselves time to reflect as God once did before all of creation. Our God shows us how to rest and leads by an example of its importance. Shall we not celebrate the day the Lord has marked as Holy and shall we not sing joyful songs and fellowship and truly find rest if not for one day a week? Rest today, for tomorrow’s burdens will be there tomorrow. Do not worry about them today.” AP

“I know you have pain because I feel it too, that doesn’t mean that Gods untrue.” AP We can’t and won’t always see the reason or reasons something goes wrong in our life. We can’t expect life to never hit a brick wall, or to fall on our faces. When my ex-wife left me and had an affair I found myself looking at my worst nightmare, and I fell down angry. I screamed, and cried to God angry, and I was so furious I literally saw red in my vision. What is it that causes us to turn our backs on God? Most people who turn Agnostic, or Atheist do so after suffering some kind of major catastrophe in their lives. I’d love to say this is simply just my opinion, but it isn’t. There are generally two kinds of people in this world. Those who after tragedy turn and grow closer to higher power, or those who curse and turn away from a higher power, so what are you? When bad things happened to you, were you the type to blame God, or turn to God?

In the last few weeks I have found myself facing hard questions. I have found myself having to listen and pray and shoulder the responsibility of being an ear. My first instinct is always to be try and fixing a problem. I have spent a large amount of my time in thought trying to create solutions to life’s problems. For me, and perhaps one of the hardest things I will ever have to learn in my path to ministry is how to shoulder that responsibility and never show the stress it crates on me. Not long ago I realized I had been impacted by something I had gone through and I found myself unable to be objective. Of course just like Starfleet Regulations 619 “Any command officer who’s emotionally compromised by the mission at hand, must resign said command.”  I felt I had emotionally compromised and decided it was best for me to remove myself from the situation until such time I could regain composure, and be more effective. When you hit your emotional limit, where do you turn? Do you turn to hatred and build bitterness in your heart, or do you turn to God and understand the nature of sin?

CS Lewis once said “My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?” (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity) We must understand the nature of our emotions. We often desire answers to the cruelty and malice of others. Someone once told me after a school shooting that there was no God because if there was how could He let innocent children be slaughtered? While painful, it’s hard to explain the nature of Sin to someone who’s already angry and bitter over the sins of the world. I know from my own experiences when I was emotionally upset, the last thing I wanted to hear was scripture. I wanted to be comforted, and more then anything I just wanted to yell and be heard.

When catastrophe strikes often times people need shoulders, not answers in the moment. There’s a time and place for answers, but before any counseling is done, we must evaluate the situation by ascertaining what mindset someone’s in. There is a time and place for scripture, and though that may be where we want to go, it may not always be the best time. As the Apostil Paul wrote in Romans 12:15  “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” Sometimes showing love, and compassion, and just being an ear for someone going through a hard time is all the ministering they need. It’s easy to loose sight of that sometimes, and when you’re in ministry long enough it’s easy to become a little callous to the hardships of others. There’s another quote by C.S. Lewis “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains.” (C.S. Lewis) When scripture tells us God is with us always, we must always remember that when we laugh, God laughs. When we cry God cries. When we are happy God is happy, when we are sad God’s sad. When we suffer we must go to the Lord and share our sufferings with Him. But at the same time we must go to our friends and share our suffering with them. It’s in our times of need it gives those around us a chance to be there for someone, a chance to make a difference and show love and compassion. Many people who follow Christ feel that need, that desire, and not to share our feelings is simply depriving them a chance to share the gospel with a friend or loved one in need. When the time is right of course.

Romans 8:28“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” It takes a great deal of faith to look at tragedy and see the good in it. Sometimes we may not know or understand how any good could come from any issue. I have seen so much hurt, and death, and tragedies in my life I cannot begin to understand all of it. What I do understand is we have free will, and those around us have free will. God did not force neither of my ex wives to have affairs, but he also did not stop it. If he were to stop someone from making a choice that wouldn’t exactly be free will anymore. As long as there is sin in the world there will always be pain. As long as people are people there will always be conflict because no matter how upright or righteous we are we will never be perfect. We must trust that those who walk with the Lord will reap the benefits of it, and those who don’t will suffer the inevitable consequences. I don’t know what the purpose has been for me to go through everything I’ve gone through except to say I now have first hand knowledge of some pretty intense hardships. Having all those hardships behind me I will be able to relate and connect with those whom I encounter during my time as a crisis counselor. It’s this path I feel the embodiment of loving your neighbor comes into my life. I feel there are many different ways we can be there for others in their time of need, and this particular path is mine. I often found in my times of crisis I didn’t always have someone to turn too. I hope one day to change that. I hope one day I can be to someone what I wish I had.

If we truly want to understand the world we must understand the love of God. We must truly understand the sacrifice made for us because of one simple little world, that there’s nothing simple about, Love. Love is the only thing that can change this world. Love is the only thing that can heal a broken heart. Love is the only thing that provides comfort to the sick. Love is the only thing that’s truly worth living for. We are loved by Jesus Christ so we can walk through this world as ambassadors and through the teachings of Christ we could bring change to those we come into contact with by simply loving them. The greatest of all the commandments is to love. Without love this world would be a dark place. If you are the one going through troubles be sure to reach out for someone you can count on to be there for you and who will offer Christian love. If you are the one someone’s reaching for, be sure to love them with patience, and compassion. It’s not always easy, but love isn’t easy. In fact the verse says ‘Love suffers long.’This verse is how 1 Corinthians: 13:4 starts. No matter how hard our day has been, how horrific our situation, we must always remember that love endures all things. Of course we will fail someone and we’ll get angry, or frustrated, or short-tempered that’s apart of life. We aren’t perfect and we won’t always see eye to eye, but loving someone regardless is a command not a suggestion by Christ. Failure to do so is a sin, and as all sin is equal at the foot of the cross, consider that the next time you turn a blinds eye, or choose to ‘hate’ someone. To know God is to know love, and if we are truly going to call ourselves Christians, we must understand that loving someone is not based on the things we like about them, the things we have in common, or anything else for that matter. If we are going to fix this world it’s going to be through love, it’s going to be through apologetics, not by taking up arms, or turning our backs on people. Jesus never turned his back on anyone even when he knew they were wrong. He loved everyone, and died for everyone not just the marginally good people. If you’re feeling emotionally compromised remove yourself from a situation so you can come back fresh and ready to love. We only get one chance for a good impression and as a Christian we should strive for every first impression to be a Christ Like impression. So go out there and love your socks out. Be kind and loving to all whom you encounter. Spread joy and love and change the world one person at a time.

 

 

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It’s All Part Of The Plan

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It’s All Part Of The Plan:

I want you to stop where you are and look around. Right where you stand, right where you sit, is this moment in time where you thought you’d be? I’ve been taking a moment to think about my life and reflecting the path I’ve taken to lead me to this moment. While I would like to say it’s been smooth, I’d be lying. I think we can all agree there is no such thing as a smooth life. While I myself do not prescribe to complete pre-destination, I believe that God will continue to move pieces around the chess bored to maneuver us to where He wants us. For the vast majority of my life I’ve run from a calling, and it wasn’t till recently I have felt as if God smacked me in the back of my head and said ‘Okay, it’s time.’ As I have spent years in the same career when that came to an abrupt end a few weeks ago, I had to accept that my time as a security officer had ended.

I watched my career implode when I ruptured a disc in my back. 9 months later I found myself back to work in what seemed to be a perfect type of position for me. 3 weeks later due to government oversight that posting was dissolved. Just like that the laid plans that took months to bare any fruit, where whisked away in a short but powerful hurricane. Left standing in the destruction I looked to the sky and asked, “Okay God, what next?” I never expected to get an answer so fast, but I can’t say I didn’t ask for it, and I can’t say I’m overly surprised. I think what shocks me most is my willingness to acquiesce to God’s plan over my own.

Who are we without Christ? We wake up at whatever time, we get ready for work, and we go to a job every day, or most days for most people, and we are either good at what we do, bad at what we do, or just don’t care to put forth the effort in what we do. For some people their careers are everything to them, and for others, it’s just an annoyance they put up with day in and day out to make money to pay the bills. While work is not everyone’s cup of tea, we all have something we enjoy doing. Whatever that is, and I’ll allow you to fill in the blank, we all, no matter how big or small, have at least that one thing that brings us great joy. For some people it’s a hobby, others it’s their pets, some it’s work, and others it’s being on fire for God in ministry and missions. While I don’t often get to talk to full time missionaries, I do get to talk to those who go on mission trips on a regular basis, i.e. once a year or so. The reports to the church on how the other half of the world lives are usually similar in nature, they have next to nothing, and yet they are happy. We have an abundance of wealth in our society and yet we are some of the most pitifully miserable people on the planet. Those who say money buys happiness obviously hasn’t taken a good hard look at the United States mental health reports. So when we look at the abundance of wealth we have, and the lavish lifestyle we live (even our poverty) lives better then many countries I’ve been too. We see disparity within our country when it comes to joy with most other countries around the world. We are truly missing one main ingredient, and that’s Jesus Christ.

When we are following Christ we find that we move from one thing to the next with more ease and less worry then those who are unbelievers. (Not a black and white statement) I am reminded of the statement by Paul, and I’ll paraphrase, In all situations I find myself, content. This is a man who if any had reason to complain, it was him. Few people go through so many hardships as Paul, except maybe Job, but he kept moving forward no matter how hard the road, no matter the obstacles in front of him, he moved forward with grace and dignity. Remind you, Paul was a sinner just like the rest of us. Paul would have faced the same draws from the sins of the flesh, the pull of a fallen world, and the human faults that plague each and every one of us, but he knew he was a sinner. Paul on more then one occasion responded to attacks by saying he was no one. He would tell people he is nothing without God, and Jesus Christ is truth and Jesus Christ alone is truth. Where Paul went he was met with hostility, anger, hatred, and even physical violence, but everywhere he went was ‘All Part Of The Plan’.

When we follow scripture and we allow ourselves to give in to it, we will be moved and used by God in ways we never thought possible. When we are seeking the Lord and we try to have that relationship with our Abba (father) we will be amazed how drastically different our life will be, how bright it is, when we finally open ourselves to God, and force our selfish need to be in control away. We will go through life trying to do things our way, but often in our feeble attempts to do things right, we usually find ourselves in dire situations often because of our own sinful decisions. When I was watching The Dark Knight a few years back I was amazed at how well written Heath Ledgers Joker was. Each scene he was in was a small masterpiece in the grand scheme of the movie. The Joker in the movie falls in the category of an Anarchist. What’s an anarchist, “a political theory holding all forms of governmental authority to be unnecessary and undesirable and advocating a society based on voluntary cooperation and free association of individuals and groups” The Joker tells Dent he isn’t a man with a plan. He tells him he’s a dog chasing a car, and he wouldn’t know what to do with it if he ever caught one. “Upset the established order and everything becomes chaos.”(Dark Knight Rises)The Devil means to upset order, and as seen in the Garden, he’s been doing it for some time now.

How do we ensure we continue to follow God’s plan? First and foremost you must have a relationship with God. You must study scripture to the point where you have it in your heart and in your head every day. You must understand the word of God to prepare for the day when you will be attacked on the battlefield. We must study scripture day and night. We must get to the point where our actions are instinct and we no longer have to put hours of study into what to do in different situations. We must have a relationship with God that gives us a level of intimacy with scripture, and not just a passing understanding of it. We must focus on that relationship with Jesus Christ, and while we are doing that, our path will be made clear as seen in scripture. Psalm 25:4-5 “Make me know Your ways, O LORD; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day.” Start with learning scripture and God’s ways. Learn behavior which is acceptable and that which is not. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” We must allow ourselves to subside so we may submit in every way to the Lord. To do this requires us to trust in God for every last bit of our lives. Not only trusting in the Lord with the big stuff which most people turn to God for prayer, but also the smallest details in our life, and to be thankful and appreciative of our vast number of blessings which come from our Heavenly Father. Psalm 32:8“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.” God will never put you on a path alone. God will never give you the keys to the car without first teaching you how to drive it. God will always give you what you need, when you need it. We are to be the hands and feet, and we are to work hard for everything we do, but God always rewards hard work and self sacrifice.

While the Joker is an agent of chaos and we often feel like our lives are chaos, I submit to you, that we are actually following the path laid in front of us by either our own sinful selves, or we’ve taken the bait and followed the path of the first agent of chaos, Lucifer. If we glance at the instruction manual and have an in passing familiarization of the design, when we get done building, will we have pieces left over? The instructions are there for a reason and just like my Lego sets I often build, if I miss even the smallest step on page 4, it could have vast problems by page 34. We must be careful to read every word, study and understand it so when the day comes for temptation to creep in on page 36, you will be ready for it. You’ll know that’s not apart of the plan, and you’ll know how to manage that day. “Yea you know, you really should have stolen the whole book because the warnings, the warnings come after the spells.”(Dr. Strange) The warnings about sin don’t just come at the end of the Bible, but throughout the whole thing. We have no excuse to expect Hell, when we live our lives according to our own plans and desires. Much like Kaecilius failed to realize the depth of what he was reading and getting into. “Eternal life as part of the one, you’re not going to like it.” (Dr. Strange) Instead of thinking of it as the one, God, instead think of it as eternal life with the one agent of chaos and destruction, the Devil. I believe so many people follow such a path that they feel works, or being good enough, or even whatever other faith they may follow, I hope in the end it’ll be worth it. I feel a bit like Dr. Strange, “you got what you wanted, but you’re not going to like it.”

We may not know what the plan is for us, but if we are patient and faithful to the Lord it will be made clear when all the pieces on the board are in the right place. We will always have a choice which way we want to go, we can be agents of chaos, or we can be agents of order. Jesus Christ is the only order you will ever need to be apart of. No matter what path God has you on based on the gifts He gave you, be patient, be trusting, and be willing to allow yourself to be the hands and feet of God. God will never ‘need’ you, but if he chooses to use you, believe me, it’s better to give in, then to fight. You can fight tooth and nail but if you want to find your happiness and contentment, go with God’s plan sooner rather then later. It’ll save you years of headaches. So get out there and make a difference.

 

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Chasing Waterfalls

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Chasing Waterfalls

I have spent years looking for what was right in front of me, but sadly I couldn’t see the things I needed the most in my life. The first thing I needed to find was my own place in God’s love. The second was to realize how in a fleeting moment I would loose the women I had loved with my whole heart. Although I always felt like I gave her everything I possibly could, perhaps there was one more thing I could have given to her, my fear. I never once thought the day would come when she wouldn’t be standing by my side so I never felt the need to be jealous, or concerned with other guys. I consider now the two things in my life I needed the most and yet now after I lost so much, it feels like I may be too late. If I only had a chance to say my hearts desire and have them be heard could I change my fate? Tomorrow the sun will rise and I will have one of my failings be placed on the right path, but the other, I have a heavy heart. The women I loved is still gone because of my own inaction, my own failures as a leader of my household, and I must accept the responsibility of her leaving. While I have been told time and time again I am not at fault, she was happy, and then she wasn’t. I cannot stand idly by and think there was nothing I could have changed. Still, in the here and now, all I have is my hope for her, and wish her the very best on her own path. If I could tell her how much she means to me, and how much I love her, I would. I don’t know if those words would ever mean anything anymore, but perhaps one day they might. I have my path I must walk, and though it saddens me we won’t be walking this path together, I pray that maybe a miracle may happen and she finds her way back to me. Today I find myself thinking of the resurrection of Christ, which is coming. I think of the pain and suffering Christ endured for the sins of man, and yet he took the pain, took the punishment for all of us. He alone carried the burdens of Sin and freely gave his life to give everyone hope. We could only be so lucky to provide hope to someone else.

In the months after it happened, I found myself trying to move forward, trying to put my life back together but there was always something. I have wrestled with my place in this world and as I have found one of them, the other seems as elusive as a waterfall hidden in the deepest jungles. I have found peace with myself for the first time I can remember. I think it’s fitting that this weekend is about resurrection. I think it’s time for me to make some changes in my life. While I would like my life to go back to the way it was, I realize that can never happen. I’ve become a much better person now then I was back then. I have come to find my self worth and now find it’s a little easier managing being alone. I question what my future holds for me. I wonder if I’ll get my own home soon, find a new job, meet anyone special, and as I search for the answers to these questions, I remind myself to have faith, be patient, and above all, have faith in the plan that is beyond my understanding. Trusting in God isn’t always easy, but it’s something we all have to come to grips with at some point in our lives. Proverbs 3:5-6 “5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

I struggle with my own thorns, and in my struggle I lean upon the grace and mercy of the Lord. I cannot spend all my time chasing a waterfall I may never find. I must learn to let go of the things I cannot change and focus on the things I can. I cannot focus on the things I want and will never obtain. I find myself reciting the serenity prayer in my head often these days. I pray for my scenery to change and hope perhaps one day it shall. I cannot say what my future holds, but as for my past, maybe some things will never be as gone out of my life as they should be. Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” It’s time for me to stop chasing the waterfalls and to focus on what’s in front of me. It’s time I give myself the respect I deserve and stop allowing others to make me feel badly about myself. I have spent so long putting so much faith in people for my own personal validation of my own self worth that it’s no wonder I feel like garbage. If I spend my time with people who are selfish, leaches who are only in a friendship so long as they benefit, that’s on me to keep floating towards the edge of that waterfall. I have been washed down river more then once, swept over the cliff and yet I wonder why when it’s me all along. I cannot change others, but I can change my own part in it. I can stop playing so close to the edge. It’s up to me to stick closer to friendlier waters. No longer will I play in the waters edge. I cannot, I must not put myself through that any longer. God give me strength to walk away, strength to heal, to find peace.

I SIT ALONE

thearrowpreacher4 Comments

I SIT ALONE

I sit alone, so alone, the pain inside aches and pains that make taking a breath sometimes the most difficult thing I do. I never know what my tomorrow brings because everything I had and everything I knew was pulled away, ripped from me in the most violent way. No pain so emotional has ever hurt so bad, has ever crippled me, but this pain brought me to my knees.

Why I cried out, why me, why again? The past has a hold of me and I just can’t quite let it go. Is it the thought of loosing the woman I loved, or is it being alone? Is it that it didn’t happen once but twice? I don’t truly know what the answer is for myself.

I have done everything I can with what I’ve have at my disposal. The experts say there are a few things that have to happen to allow healing to happen naturally, and in a healthy way. Since then, I haven’t yet found my footing on my path to a new me. A new me, I don’t even know what that truly means. As I’ve struggled to look within to find the man I want to be I haven’t been able to figure that out because I don’t know who I am anymore. The last year of my life has put into question every notion I had about the world and my place in it. I haven’t been able to make headway in moving forward with my life and perhaps that’s the reason I feel like I’m moving in slow motion, I feel like I’m not just moving in slow mo, but I in quicksand. The realistic point of view is things just haven’t worked out yet. The man I am to become is still a work in progress.

While I truly don’t know what my future holds, or what I’m supposed to do, or the life I’m to live, I have to believe that God has a plan for me. A plan to succeed not to fail, not to fall. When someone you love hurts you in that way it can make you question everything about yourself. The darkness can be overwhelming but at some point you must learn to let it go. We must let ourselves heal, and to do that we must tell ourselves we are worth more then our failures. We are worth more then the sum of those who have hurt and abandoned us. We are worth more then the way we have been treated. We can be treated like garbage and thrown away like a beat up used toy. While divorce can cause a whole hurricane of negative feelings, all sorts of traumas happen to people that can cause all sorts of problems. And while I’ve spent a lifetime fighting the fight, I know that sometimes we just need to rest.

We can’t be angry all the time. At some point we have to let go of what fuels our fire and allow the healing to begin. No matter the time that goes by, the ability to start healing, to start letting go is always a possibility. While the pain, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the guilt and fear rage on in our heads like a CD stuck on repeat, we must somehow learn to break the cycle. We all need someone to help us bare that cross when it’s too heavy. We all need someone in our lives to help us along the way.

While I sit alone I wonder where I go from here. While I sit alone I question my place in this world. While I sit alone I miss so much in life. While I sit alone I miss the comforts of companionship. It’s almost like a drug, you have it for so long and it’s gone all of a sudden, gone in the blink of an eye. How could someone you care for, care for you, and betray you like the years prior didn’t matter at all. The truth is, the answers as much as I’ve wanted them done matter. The why isn’t going to change the past, and no matter how hard we may want to, the inevitable realization, life still continues. While I may be alone in my walk without someone, I know that God, my God is with me always. While I can only see a small baby step ahead of me, the future is still left wide open. God will help guide me on my way, and one can only hope that when the time is right, I won’t be alone anymore. That I may be gifted with the family I’ve tried so hard for, only to have them ripped away from me. I’ve never in my life been more disappointed by my loved ones, and as this lesson has been a difficult one to learn, I have learned that even those in our lives we look up too, even then, they can turn out to be someone completely different, someone we don’t recognize. While people come and go out of our life for better or worse we must learn that as there’s a season for everything and we must learn to accept that. If someone value’s you, you will be a priority to them, and if you have someone important to you, you can’t take that for granted. I’ve been close to death a few times and if I’ve learned anything in all that time it’s life is short, and we must value the gift of time we have, and cherish the people you love. We never know when that time may run out.