Tag: explosions

Explosive Memories

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Explosive Memories

I try not to think about it most of the time. I remember the sounds, the sights, even the smell of sulfur. I can remember each incident and as much as I try not to think about it, there are days. The struggle for veterans returning home from war can vary differently from one to the next. For me I have spent years facing my demons. Behind every uniform is a story. My story hasn’t ended, but my time in uniform has. The wounds left behind leave scars and those don’t ever go away. I can remember one explosion after another, and from the way it feels as the blast goes through you. I remember the fear I would face while on patrol, trying to stay focused, but in those memories, I sadly brought them home with me. My time in war fundamentally changed me, and because of that, because of how I was changed, I find some days I struggle to enjoy some of the same things other people like.

The other day I was driving to work and found myself in a traffic jam. Most people would perhaps be a little frustrated, but me, there’s a level of fear, and that fear turns to anger. I am terrified of sitting in traffic because I am not in control at all. I am afraid of being caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am afraid of the trash on the side of the road. I’m afraid of the crowds I encounter while I’m out in public. I’m afraid of the movie theater. I’m afraid of the mall. I’m afraid of being caught ill prepared. In my life I have spent a lot of time focusing on the what ifs, planning for the emergencies to be as prepared as possible. I have to hope that in the darkness of this world, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Revelation 21:4“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

 John 16:33“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” In my day, I am haunted by the memories of my past. I have struggled to let go, and remember that Christ overcame the world. His blood set me free, and though my trials my be today, my Heaven is tomorrow. Living with PTSD isn’t always easy, but we keep pushing forward. Dealing with the day-to-day strife can lead your heart to feel heavy. We must not focus on the cant’s, or why something is too hard, we need to focus on what we can do. John 14:1“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” Though my past and my grief haunt me, I must thank the Lord for the love and mercy that’s placed upon me every day. Jesus has offered me everything, and I can’t let the pain of yesterday turn my focus. The Devil tries to distract me, lie to me, prey on my weaknesses, and I will admit, some days he gets his claws in and it’s all I can do to push him away. Don’t forget the purposes of our true journey. Keep pushing forward and focus on today, not yesterday.

I think back to the day I was something in my own eyes, and when the tornado struck my life and ruin was left in it’s wake, I think back to how foolish I was to think my happiness could last. I placed my self worth on those around me. I placed my happiness in the hands of others, to include family, friends, and my wife. I trusted all the wrong people, and putting my faith in the world, thinking if I walked the walk, talk the talk, prayed the prayers, that I might be spared the hardships of another divorce or worse. The thing is when you are strong in your faith, the Devil attacks, and he attacks, and he’s relentless to see how long he can push you till you break. How much  can you take before you curse God, turn your back, and walk deeper down the dark path.

No matter the hardships you’ve endured, the horrors you’ve seen, you need to remember who the true enemy is at the end of the day. Put not your faith in man for we are fickle and swayed easily, but put your faith in the Lord for God is never changing, and always we are found in God’s love and grace. The road is long, but the blessings of tomorrow outweigh the pain of today.

It’s Been A Long Road Getting From There To Here

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It’s Been A Long Road Getting From There To Here

Most of you probably don’t know the song that title is from, ‘Where my heart will take me’. The song speaks of a journey, a long one but finally after a long time a breakthrough, and following your heart, and faith to achieve anything because of strength of that faith and soul.

Do we have faith like that? Do we have faith in God to grant us peace in the storm? Do we have faith that God will be our light in the darkness? Do we have faith that when we are down on our knees with no where left to turn God will lift us on the wings of Angels and give us reprieve from our assorted sufferings?

There’s so much in my heart that is full of pain, it’s full of doubt, its full of fear. Multiple times over I’ve faced death. I’ve seen death in the eyes, and I’ve overcome. I’ve seen RPG’s just barely pass by me. I’ve been caught in explosions, I’ve been shot, I’ve been just seconds from death. Every step every turn I’ve been protected by Gods hands. Because Christ lives in me I have managed to overcome. No matter the long road, the destination is beyond the stars. I pray my soul to find peace. I pray that because Jesus lives I will be saved of this pain and tomorrow the day of our salvation will hold true in my heart.

As I struggle with myself, it’s my own weakness. Faith in the Lord is a hard thing to keep. It isn’t the Lord part that’s tough; knowing that because of God I am safe. Because of God I am a free man. Because of God I am alive and the only thing that matters is His love. The world may beat me, the world may torture me, but it’s the life of Jesus Christ, a high price, but I am saved in that love.

The road I’ve traveled has been a rocky road full of pain and suffering. Days like today I struggle to maintain my positive outlook, but the truth is there’s no reason I shouldn’t be positive. Christ has Risen for me. Knowing that if Christ had to die for just me, he would have. A love like that should never go to waist.

As I have lost so much, as I have had to sacrifice so much, it’s never as much as our Lord sacrificed for us. When life does me wrong, keep moving forward. When trouble knocks at the door be sure to raise to the Lord your hands in prayer, and lift our weary soul to our Almighty God. Lift higher and higher to the Lord. We may never be worthy of Gods love, but we have it anyway. Put your own ambitions aside, God will provide.

No matter the road I’ve traveled, here I am, by Gods purpose, and Gods design. I’m here typing to show there is hope. Hope for tomorrow; hope for today because in all things darkness cannot survive the light. The darkness cannot snuff out the light, but the light will always overtake the darkness. Embrace the change of the light inside you. Let the Light of Christ fill your heart and let it change you. Be born again of the light. Even in the darkest of nights the stars will shine, and will guide your path. Look to the sky and see what’s written in the stars. The Lord gives us a sign and we must follow. The Lord will always say “Trust in Me.” So in the starlight, even the words can be seen when you know how to look.

Finding Courage

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Finding Courage

“It takes courage to look inside yourself and even more courage to write it for other people to see.” Benjamin Sisko. I hadn’t really thought about it before, what making a public website would actually mean, what putting my deepest most intimate thoughts on paper in one blog after another for all the world to see, would actually mean. September 12th of 2004 my truck was ambushed in the downtown region of Ar-Ramadi Iraq. During the 15 minutes of absolute Hades on earth the courage of 7 men would be tested literally under fire. After the first two explosions obscured HQ 25 the first bullet hit my truck HQ 26 on the door right at head level. At that point the feelings of fear and doubt started to creep in. The bullets from the enemy AK’s where striking the truck. One RPG after another was being fired at both of the trucks. An RPG that passed just a few feet from the front of the truck, and hit a barrier near the truck blew out the front right tire of HQ 26. If the truck stops we’re all dead. If we don’t keep up with HQ 25 and were separated we all die. When the MK-19 failed and my gunner Haley had to switch over to his M-16 rifle. With no side shielding he would be completely exposed to enemy fire. The amount of courage he would show under extreme stress was nothing short of a miracle, in fact the courage of Stevens, and Watson the HQ 25 gunner/driver would stand out as heroes. What does it take for a person to show courage? “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” (Nelson Mandela) Many people in their lives are faced with incidences that will test their fight or flight response. For me September of 2016 would test my fight or flight response again. This time, for the first time my flight response would kick in, and alter my life forever. Living it seems is not for the weak. If it weren’t for close calls some people never fully realize their potential, the gift of life. 1 Chronicles 28:20 “David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.” True Courage cannot be had without faith. We must have faith that the situation we find ourselves in is worth courage. Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” When Haley stood up and shot back the faith he would have that the need to survive, to save the lives of his crewman would win out over fear. For me my faith that God was in control is unrelenting. True courage however might be as simple as truly trusting in the Lord. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” When we give our lives to the Lord we put our faith in Him that we will never be alone. Sometimes God has a plan for us that take us out of our comfort zone. It takes a great deal of courage to follow God. No matter the cost, to have faith, is to have courage, and that courage is the key to everlasting life.