Tag: Content

Not okay

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Not okay

Just because I’m not okay doesn’t mean I won’t be. Many people go through hell on earth, but the struggle many people have isn’t the event, but the aftermath of support. For whatever reason people in our world no longer give any amount of time to heal. People no longer accept that it’s actually okay to not be okay. This isn’t saying it’s okay to get stuck in that pain, but as long as you’re moving forward in getting out of that season, it’s okay in the moment to hurt, it’s okay to feel the sting that’s left behind, and what’s needed the most is love, support, and a measure of hope.

2 Corinthians 2:7 “so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.” We are told to be there for our neighbors, to comfort them, to lift them up, and not tear down. Hebrews 10:24-25 “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” It seems as time goes on and the invention of social media, people have become far less concerned for their neighbors, their friends, even their family. People are no longer empathetic, or concerned with the well being of others.

I find as time continues on, we as a society have become less able to handle stress, less able to handle pain, and we’ve become far too sensitive. In the Book of Job, his friends didn’t sympathize, they didn’t show empathy, and they blamed him for his misfortune. His friends thought they were right, but God corrected that behavior. Job 42:7-8 7 It came about that after the Lord had spoken these words to Job, that the Lordsaid to Eliphaz the Temanite, “My wrath is kindled against you and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of Me what is right, as My servant Job has. 8 Now therefore, take for yourselves seven bulls and seven rams, and go to My servant Job, and offer up a burnt offering for yourselves, and My servant Job will pray for you. For I will accept him [and his prayer] so that I may not deal with you according to your folly, because you have not spoken of Me the thing that is right, as My servant Job has.” What is the message we are told over and over again in the Bible? Love, Love is the greatest of all things, and if we are not showing love to those in pain, to those who are in cheer, we are wrong. We cannot respond to sorrow with harshness, or anger. Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” It doesn’t matter if it’s your worst enemy, or if it’s your best friend, no matter how it is, everything you say should be to edify for Lord through you.

It’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to have your bad days, to have your doubts, to struggle from time to time. It’s in our moments of struggle we need to raise our cries to the Lord. We cannot allow the world to beat us down so far we can’t get back up. It’s in that time we need to drop to our knees and pray vehemently.

 

 

Tick Tock

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Tick Tock

 Abraham waited for years for the son he never thought would come. He even disobeyed God and took his handmaiden and she bore him a child. God was angry at this because that wasn’t the plan, that wasn’t what Abraham was told to do. Job lived for years watching his entire life fall apart around him. He remained faithful and in his Faith he was justly rewarded. We can sit back and watch as time continues to move and as much as it may hurt, or bother us, time moves even if we don’t have the answers we may need or want. We are very impatient most of the time. The sad truth is, we don’t have a say when things work out or why. Things happen the way God wants them to, and all we can do is continue to show faith and effort.

Luke 1:37 “For with God nothing shall be impossible.”

Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

 It’s never easy to take a step back and realize how powerless we may be. Regardless of what we want, we can only have faith. No matter what situation we may find ourselves we can’t let the Devil get between God and us. We have to keep the faith because the consequences are much worse for denying God, then to face the world.

The clock ticks across time but we never know when that clock will stop. We never know when our clock may stop. Keep the faith in any season. We must always remember that the line of fate might be cut at any moment, and we don’t want to be caught unawares.

Colors of the Wind

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Colors of the Wind

Colors of the wind

You think the only people who are people

Are the people who look and think like you

But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger

You’ll learn things you never knew, you never knew

 

 The world turns 365 days. Throughout that time there are generally 4 seasons most will experience that time. Spring, the rebirth of nature, the trees, and plants start to bloom and sprout. The grass starts to grow again and becomes full and lush. Summer the hot season where the full experience of the new weather rings out with beautiful days, strong storms, and beautiful nights. The Fall is the beginning of the deaths cycle for the plants. Leaves turn colors and begin to fall. The weather cools, and the brisk nights and mornings start. Pumpkins grow and start getting ready for the holiday season. The winter comes, and the cold darkness of the night takes over. The days are short and the world seems darker. Neither season lasts forever and as long as some seasons may feel, at some point it is bound to end.

It’s said you can never step foot into the same river twice. Every day is a change for something new. Every day is a possible change, a chance to paint a new picture, a chance to get back up and fight the good fight again and again. 2 Pater 1:13-15 “13 I think it right, as long as I am in this body,[b] to stir you up by way of reminder, 14 since I know that the putting off of my body will be soon, as our Lord Jesus Christ made clear to me. 15 And I will make every effort so that after my departure you may be able at any time to recall these things.” We as Christians must always remember that as long as we wake up in the morning and we’re still breathing the end has not come and therefore a chance for change. “To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible then to be alive without breathing.” (Martin Luther)

When our seasons change how do we manage? Do we manage with grace and dignity? Do we allow the stress to be to much till the point of breaking where we escape using drugs or alcohol? Or do we wake up every day, look life dead in the eye and say “Not today, not today!” Satan wants us to fail, he wants us to give up when life gets hard. There’s nothing wrong with a little grumbling, there’s nothing wrong with venting and getting things off your chest, but make sure you are not allowing that to be your calling card. As difficult as it is no matter what season you find yourself, you must be able to see the positive things in your life. You’ve got to find the silver lining.

 

 

 

 

 

Fertilizing the Greener Grass

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Fertilizing the Greener Grass

What I’ve found is those who cheat, who have affairs, usually think the grass is greener wind up stepping in the fertilizer when playing in someone else’s back yard. The mental mindset that causes people to cheat or have affairs is broad and wide. There are many reasons for it, but the focus for today’s blog post is the aftermath, the destruction left behind.

I’ve been the victim of two vicious affairs. Two incidences where I have bowed out in peace although I attempted to fix the marriage both time, I wasn’t vindictive, or hurtful, not intentionally anyway. There’s a measure of physiology that tells us someone who’s done something horrible, will turn themselves into a victim, they will see you as their enemy, because they are projecting such strong emotions towards you to defect from themselves what they actually feel. Pain, guilt and shame are strong, powerful motivators, and often lead to the dark side. When they reach the other side of the fence, they realize the grass is so pretty and lushes, but there’s a secret, if you’re not very careful you’ll wind up with the secret on the bottom of your shoe. That’s right, I’m talking about the droppings in the hard that makes the yard so green. The other side isn’t truly greener, it’s greener because it’s littered with lies, and deceits, that you will get caught up in, and by the time you’re over there, it’s too late, and you can’t, or won’t go back to where you came from. We often hear that the grass is greener on the other side, but honestly it’s greener where you water it. The new feeling, that what’s full of joy, and shiny, and smells new, and we rave about it, will grow old, it will one day become vintage. The thing is just because it’s old doesn’t mean it’s broken.

A friend of mine has an old 1967 Chevy Camaro and it’s a beautiful car. In the right hands it’s been restored, improved upon, and made to look competition worthy. How great it is to own something so old, so out dated, and yet, restore it to it’s once former glory, and get so much enjoyment out of something so vintage. Where are we in relationships? When a relationship seems to stall do we throw it away because it’s not fun anymore? Sadly the answer is yes, most people do. Most people will forsake everything, to include their oaths in front of God even, to have the new and shiny. Most people will leave their spouses and their lives behind, forsake everything they once held dear in this life, and will chase after that shiny new toy. Sadly that new toy doesn’t stay new for long, and often it’s not as advertised.

Making sure we put our effort into our relationships, our marriages, our families, and even our jobs, we should make sure no matter where we are, or what we’re doing we maintain our environment. We have a great deal of responsibility with our lives, and how we treat those around us. No matter if it’s a coworker, wife, husband, children, or even our friends, we should always lift up, guide them in the ways of the Lord, and we should always make sure that our hearts are in the right place. We should always love those round us, even when it’s difficult. Life isn’t easy and because it’s not, we always need to know to take a bended knee and pray to the Father, our one and only hope for happiness, we must have the faith to let go of our pain, our past and push forward in our futures.

The grass is a conundrum. As obvious as it is for us to focus on what we have in our own yard, we must learn to stop watering the grass in a yard we don’t own anymore. Let me give an example. For a year now I’ve been separated. I have struggled letting go of that marriage, and as I’ve spent a lot of time focused on away to fix it, now after a year it feels as if I was trying to fix a yard that I don’t own anymore. We live in the past a lot. I have noticed that we often live on a fixed loop in our lives, and we get stuck on a particular event, usually one that’s tragic or hard to handle. The yard wasn’t mine to take care of anymore, and instead of focusing on my own yard, the new one, I let my own grass wither, and all that time I could have spent healing, moving forward with my own life, has been wasted. It’s hard not to focus on what we want even if what we want isn’t good for us. I’m not saying abandon the house at the first sign of trouble, but if it’s worth saving, it’s worth working on it. Don’t give up hope for where your heart is, but only if your heart is in a place where God wants you to be. Don’t give up hope, and never loose sight of the bigger picture. Always put God first, and He will tell you where you need to be focused. Don’t stay stuck in the past, and stay out of other people’s yards. Never forget to love your spouse, love your neighbor as yourself, and above all else, love your God with all your heart.

 

 

The Chasm

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The Chasm

I feel cold, I feel hallow and full of question. I feel broken, and the light seems so far away. How can I ever get through this and see another sunrise? The life lived flashes in my mind. Pictures, and videos playing together and I can see the smiles of my loved ones past, my failures, and my successes. The video isn’t happy but somber. Broken it seems, the video skips and repeats over and over at certain points along the film. It’s not the film that’s broken it’s me. The darkness is heavy and weighs me down. The tears stain the ground below me, the elephant sitting on my chest, and the sunshine in my mind turns to gray, and black, the flowers turn to dust and ash spreading out all around me.

I’m a failure and everything I’ve ever worked for has meant nothing. I suffer through the nights seeking a purpose, seeking a reason to be saved from the darkness. A failure in life, and a failure in love, alas I am nothing, and no one. The journey has led me here and I can’t see beyond the edge of this cliff. The fall is long and I know I can’t go back. The thunder rolls in the distance and I can tell the storm’s getting closer to me. The wind begins to howl and I can feel the cool bitterness of the night on my cheek. It’s cold on the tear streaks left behind. My eyes are swollen from crying, the crackling of the lightning startles me and sounds as if I’m being taunted. I have nowhere to turn, no way out. The storm approaches quickly, something unnatural, and mystical. The rain starts, it’s freezing and each pelt to my skin feels like it’s ripping through me. I look down only to realize the rain is going through me. I don’t understand, and I’m afraid. I hide behind the rock and I scream. The thunder crackles and the ground shakes. I can hear the rock crumbling all around me.

The wind sounds different, I listen close and in it I can hear something. The wind said failure, I am sure of it. Lighting strikes near by and I feel the power course through the ground. The ledge I’m on cracks, and I peek beyond the rock, I’m separated from the mainland now. I’m stranded here, with a cliff surrounding me. The rain still tries to hit me. I hear the wind again and it calls me weak. I tremble and more rain hits me, the pain floods my body. I see something in the distance, it’s cold, gray, solid, it’s a slab of some kind. What’s it say, I can’t read it? I move from the cover I have to get closer, it says my name. It’s a tombstone. Under my name it says disappointment in life. All my life I don’t understand, I tried so hard, and here I am. I turn away from the tombstone and I see a coffin in front of me, I look down and I see myself lying there. Cold, and gray, lifeless, the body frail and withered, but I know it’s me. What happened to me? The hand jumps to grab my wrist and I can’t get away. I fall but my arm is stuck. The sharp pain as I can see a message etched into my forearm. The message says hope from within. The hand lets go and I stumble back to the rock.

I look around franticly as the ground shakes again. The space between me and the casket crumbles and the casket falls into the abyss and flames fly up from the now smoky chasm. What does that mean hope from within? The ground turns to fractured glass under me, and I can see myself. I look pale, I look broken, I am full of holes from the strange rain. I am crumbling myself, and I have no where to go now. I can feel the anger and hatred bubbling up from inside. I grab a stone from next to me and I raise it to the sky, and with all my might slam it down upon the fractured glass. It shatters and I feel the moment of weightlessness before I fall. It feels almost peaceful the fall, the moments prior to knowing the end is near. It feels almost like relief like the pain and suffering may be over soon. Blackness covers over my eyes, and there’s nothing. Consciousness is gone and there is truly nothing.

Living life isn’t easy, and it’s certainly not for the weak. All those things we feel about what we couldn’t achieve, or what we failed, or what we lost, are only used as tools against us if we let them. There’ve been times in my life where I felt like this. There were times when I felt as if my entire world was crumbling all around me, and it would have been so easy to let myself fall and sink into nothingness. The key to life, the key to happiness is knowing that the hope lies within. The knowledge in Jesus Christ, the truth that each of us has the potential for great love, or great hate, always within us. When we stumble and fall what forces us to gather the strength to get back up and carry on. When we listen to the voices in the dark, what do we hear? Can we hear the voice of truth or the voice of lies? Do we allow the darkness to cover us and we succumb to the lies? Do we raise up and climb out of the chasm we are in. The truth is we aren’t alone and even when we feel like we are, we must dig deeper and search our heart to find truth, the true faith that we have inside. If we let the deceivers lies influence us, we will forever remain in the storm, stumbling blindly through life until the end comes for us, and eternity rests in the balance. We always have a choice, and no matter how dark, how scary, how perilous the journey seems to be, we aren’t alone, we have a guide. The Book of God tells us where our hearts need to be. It tells us what we will face, and how bad it can get. The book tells us our futures, and we have only but to ask, but to prove not just to God, but to ourselves that our faith is strong. The faith to get back up when we fall. The faith to face the fire, to run into the Devils den and know that no matter what happens, we’ll be okay. We can face tomorrow no matter what today is like because of two little words, Jesus Christ. We live because Christ died, and rose again showing everyone that the bonds of death had been broken. We will always be our own worst enemy when we let the Devils whispers influence us. We will always feel alone, and hallow, and empty if the Devil has His way. Life will always do you wrong, but we must keep marching on. You will be brought to your knees, but if you are on bended knee you can do one thing, only one thing that will truly save you in the moments of despair, pray. We can only give ourselves to God, mind, body, and soul, and in that instance we will be fueled by the Holy Spirit and by the graces of God we can achieve success over the attacks by the prince of darkness. Don’t allow yourself to end up on a precipice alone. Don’t let the storm frighten you, for when you have little faith, you become the weak pray for the Devil to devour.

My own past haunts me, my choices, my failures, my losses, and although they have been great and plenty, and I have suffered long, tomorrow can bring light instead of dark. The flowers may bloom instead of wilt. Faith isn’t easy, and it takes practice, it takes time, it takes constant effort to build the muscles in your mind and in your heart to trust in God. Knowing and doing are very different. Knowing you should trust God with every aspect of your life, and doing it can be a vast challenge. Hope and love, forgiveness and relinquishing control are the ways to the light. We must forgive those who’ve hurt us, we must forgive ourselves for our parts in the wrongs in our life. We must let God be with us, let God hold us, and protect us. Living is hard enough as it is, we don’t need to make it harder on ourselves by doing it alone. Have faith in the Lord and accept the gifts He gives to us. A lesson I still haven’t mastered, but every day I try. You can walk the rugged path with God, or the smooth path without, but things aren’t always as they appear, sometimes what seems to good to be true, probably is. Don’t be fooled by the easy path, or the pretty baubles that shine in front of you.

Stranded

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Stranded

I sit in the car, the hazards flashing, the dome light on, and the engine running. It’s chilly outside a brisk 47*. Whatever it was, it was big and solid. To damage the tire that badly, probably a big brick or something. Sadly it was in a blind spot passing a semi, by the time I saw it, it was too late. I knew the moment it hit the tire was gone. I prayed I was wrong, but moments later I felt the shudder in the car, and the fight to stay straight. Just seconds later the pressure gage went off and my fear came to pass. Without any options I called roadside. No luck there. I unpacked the trunk and grabbed the donut from its hidey hole and started to work. What I didn’t count for was the strain on my neck.

Unable to get the tire off I had no choice but to call AAA and get help changing the tire. Not feeling much like a man, I realized I don’t want to stay here, and I’m not in a position to be prideful. It’s already bad enough I have to wait for the tire place to open to get a new tire. Hoping for the best, and it is just the tire. Riley seems to be doing okay, though I’m sure she’s not loving sitting still. A highway patrol officer stopped by to check on me. He seemed nice and it was nice to be checked on.

Stranded 1

While this is the second time I’ve pulled over for tire issues on my voyage home, I’ve begun to wonder if me leaving early isn’t the right thing to do. I cut my trip short by 3 days. For now, all I can do is sit and wait.

Whatever it was it was big and heavy, and damaged the rim. I dodged a bullet with the rim and the primary damage is the side, which is cosmetic. While there is also damage to the wheel base, I don’t know what it is yet, I know that insurance will cover the damage.

An 11-hour trip turned into a 17-hour trip, but no matter how badly the traffic was, the incidents from the start, and the setbacks that occurred. No matter the setbacks I had one thought that kept coming to mind, Nikinzie, my dearest friend, a woman I’ve grown to care for a great deal, I kept thinking about her advice she would give to me during my trip. Her words of wisdom and her trust and faith in me helped me to keep in mind no matter how frustrated I would have normally gotten, I remained calm, cool, and collected. She deserves a big shout out because of how influential her part was in my trip home, and of course, how important to my life she is.

No matter how horrible the trip home was, the key is to remember it could have been worse, and God was still in control. No matter what situation you find yourself in, you have to have faith that God is with you, God will pull you through no matter what. The good the bad or the ugly, the waters can always get worse. Don’t give up hope, even when the day has turned in an unwanted direction. 17 hours later the day didn’t go the way I wanted, but I made it home safely, and that’s what’s important. Try to hold onto the positives, and try to see the light in the darkness.

 

 

Pay it Forward

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Pay it Forward

While on a wonderful date with a very dear woman in my life, I was sitting in Olive Garden having a wonderful conversation. Toward the end of the meal the waiter came up with the customary black pouch that holds the bill. He proceeded to inform us that another table had seen I was a veteran and to thank me for my service picked up the bill. I was left speechless and all I could say was wow that was so nice. The truth that you may find kindness in the most unusual of places is so completely true. While I never expected to encounter such kindness on my trip, I would go as far to say perhaps, on this journey outside of my well established comfort zone, a renewed sense of faith in humanity has been found. While I was expecting the bill to total near $50, I felt badly for the waiter. I couldn’t let that go, so I did what I felt was the best and most correct course, I left him a $20 tip. Though it seems like a small gesture to repay such kindness I felt it was a good start.

I’ve seen and heard in the past these measures of kindness be passed along. Though I’ve never experienced them myself, I’m rarely in a position to afford such generosity. While I do feel that old period in my life is passing away, and a new life is awaiting for me, I am excited to continue to do my part for the good of mankind. It’s so important to continue to look out for those who are less fortunate then ourselves. We must let the guidance of the Holy Spirit point us in the right direction and allow ourselves to not hold onto, or horde our accumulated wealth, but to share it within reason with those we encounter. Doing small acts of kindness such as paying for someone meal, paying for a families energy bill when you know they are in need, or as once in my youth providing a Thanksgiving dinner just because whoever sent it knew my family was not very well off, and often in need of assistance.

Proverbs 22:9 “He that hath a bountiful eye shall be blessed; for he giveth of his bread to the poor.”

Proverbs 28:27 “He that giveth unto the poor shall not lack: but he that hideth his eyes shall have many a curse.”

 In whatever state we find ourselves we will always be better off then someone. We don’t have to look very far to see the suffering and needs of others. While I have sat and thought about this a great deal, I have pondered the song by Brandon Heath:

 

Give Me Your Eyes

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city of lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touch down on the cold black-top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breathe in the familiar shock of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere, why have I never cared

***

There’s a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie.
Too ashamed to tell his wife he’s out of work, he’s buyin time.
All those people going somewhere, why have I never cared.

 

(Chores)

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see,
Everything that I keep missing,
Give your love for humanity.
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eyes so I can see.

 

If we could just all do a kind deed, just one a day, if everyone would reach out to help someone, and if everyone found it within themselves to pay it forward, we would all live in a world where the people in this world would be taking care of all the other people in this world, how much could we change. We are all part of a broken and fallen world, but if we are all broken together, maybe we can find a way to make it in this world together, because together we will always be stronger. Proverbs 27:17 “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” The idea of together stronger is a long running theme in the Bible. 1 Corinthians 12:12-27 speaks of the body working in separate parts, yet vital together. The legs and arms work apart, but vital as part of the body as a whole. We are all part of the body of Christ and if we are to work together we must learn to do this as one. We must learn to love one another, and when nice things are done for us, random acts of kindness, we must learn to pay it forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Day With God

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A Day With God

Have you ever wondered what a day with God would be like? I like to imagine a peaceful day by a lake, fishing with the perfect weather, feet in the water, the sun warming your face, but not scorching. I imagine a conversation of deep thought, God asking the question to make me think, to discover truths within myself. While obviously this hasn’t happened to me, today was pretty great. I honestly felt more comfortable and at ease then I have in a long time. It’s an amazing feeling to finally start feeling like myself again. It’s been so long and I’ve struggled so much with the duality of who I was, what I’ve lost, and who it’s made me, that to finally feel a sense of relief I can only praise God for today.

Matthew 6:33 “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” We must always remember that in our trials, or when our days are going perfect to always seek God first. Always give to God before ourselves, always praise the blessings we have, and be thankful in all things because even as grim as it may be, and not to underplay anyone’s situations, but it can always be worse in some way.

The day was bright, and sunny, and beautiful, the weather was perfect, the company I spent my day with was beyond amazing and I can’t remember the last time in my life I laughed as much, enjoyed life as much, and looked upon my life as relaxing. The wonders of life as it’s often unpredictable can be filled with so many blessings we can’t contain ourselves or articulate how we are feeling in a moment such as this. Today not only did I have a wonderful day, I managed to pay off the final bills and became truly debt free. While I am alone, and should obviously be celebrating I find myself content in my hotel room with my Tervis cup of wine and my wonderful service dog Riley, good music, and a few friends texting or messaging me seems to be all I need tonight. I look forward to my days ahead here on vacation, and then when I return home figuring out my next step. I’m trying to remind myself to live in the moment, and for tonight, and just the few days I’m here to remember to live, love and laugh. Joy is found in ourselves in whatever situation we find ourselves. Every day doesn’t have to be perfect, and it won’t be, but as for me, today, I couldn’t have asked for better.

Content with Weaknesses

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Content with Weaknesses

I’ve been pondering the sunrise and what it means to me. I’ve been pondering what I’m supposed to learn and what I’m supposed to do. I’ve been pondering why I’m here, and what this situation can teach me. I ask God for guidance, for blessings. I have come to realize in my so many years of living that the blessings I may have gotten are not necessarily blessings I’ve come to realize are actually good things for me. As I’ve questioned all of this and now I’m 1 week after surgery I find myself in a very different place then I have been in the past. I’ve been looking at my scars I’ve accumulated and it’s hard not to travel down memory lane.

One year ago I was on a trip that would ultimately change my life forever. It would start a turn of events that would forever change and alter life as I knew it. I would loose my wife, I would nearly loose my life, I would loose my job, I would eventually loose my home, and in the end my body would finally give up, and give out, and thus where I am 10 months later. As I now find myself living with my mother something that hasn’t been for 17 years. It’s a change to get used to for sure. As I’m sure there are reasons for everything that’s happened it’s difficult to take a step back from how different things are, the hope that things could go back, and even sometimes pray they would. As I’ve become more familiar with the change that’s going on around me, and even in my yearning to not give in to the ever changing life around me, I believe I’m finally starting to succumb to the change, and as parts of me are excited for the change, other parts hold onto the past.

As I am now stranded and not allowed to drive, I can’t lift, and bend, and stretch. I don’t have my things unpacked, and as I’m looking at the future, the 5 weeks I have left seem like an eternity. I find some things I once enjoyed doing, now seem like so much work or effort I can’t seem to put my finger on why I no longer feel the enjoyment I used too. I find myself missing things I once had that now seem like such a past memory that I’m forgetting the finer things in life.

For 10 years I lived my life with the comfort of a woman in my life. For 10 years I knew the touch of love, the smell of perfume, and the feel of soft lips on mine. Being single now since September and having absolutely no luck in the dating seen, the online dating seen, or anywhere in between, I find myself more and more frustrated. I can hear my pastor now, “you’ve got to learn to be comfortable with yourself, and in God’s time you will be knocked off your feet by the blessings you’ll get when it’s the right time, and when you AREN’T LOOKING FOR IT!” Yes, yes, I hear you.

I’m sure the good Lord has something planned for me, whether I know or understand it myself, and the truth is that’s the defining feature of faith. We may not ever see the direction, the plan, the lessons, but knowing they are there and knowing that God is in the drivers seat.

While I cannot for the life of me fully understand how my life’s taken such a turn to mirror Job’s life, I must remain in the faithful that my life will one day be restored to a glorious state that I can look back on this last year and hold it up as a bad dream. While we never know what the sunrise will bring, what we know is there’s a greater plan then what we could possibly ever know.

One thing I’ve been forced to see and something I’ve struggled with especially after the way in which my marriage ended was my own self worth, my own self-esteem, why was I not loveable, why was I disposable, expendable. For months after I questioned myself, I thought so poorly of myself the bottom of the barrel was actually looking pretty high. I’ve prayed day in and day out that somehow, someway, I’d be able to move forward. What I have wanted may not be what’s best for me, but as I fractured into two people 10 months ago, there’s the man that was the past, and the man that was the future. That fractured self has been at war, at odds now for all that time, and the war still rages on, an internal fight for the very future and when I look into the mirror I don’t know who I’m looking at anymore. I question God every day and in all that time I still haven’t come up with the answers I seek. Did I not love enough? Did I hold on to tightly? Did I give too many freedoms? Was I too trusting? What I not trusting enough? Did I just grow old and wasn’t important anymore? What would cause so many in my life to leave me high and dry, quit on me, and leaves? Looking at the math I’ve questioned how 415 Facebook friends, an entire church, several friendships from other jobs who either have nurse friends or are married to nurse’s who work in larger hospitals, yet with all my connections, and 10 months later on several dating apps and reaching out myself I find myself no closer to finding a date or anyone that a legitimate relationship would be possible. After so long and so many failures it’s easy to start to question ones self.

No matter how much we start to doubt ourselves there’s something we should remember. In all things remember 2 Corinthians 12:5-10 “5 On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses—6 though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Do not be prideful, do not be afraid to look in the mirror and smile at the creation God made. I have to believe that while I am alone now, and have been for a while, there’s a reason. I have to believe that God’s perfect plan is to make things better for me. No matter the fractured self, in time that fracture will mend, and the scars that are left behind, and there are scars, will be a reminder of the life of old, and the future that remains, a fresh canvas in which to pain a new work of art for the glory of God.