Tag: comfort

The Separate Path

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The Separate Path

We found one another and fell in love. We grew together and a life we made. The life we made was a house of cards, the wind came and it blew it down. Now looking at the wake of devastation, I watched in horror as the world didn’t make sense anymore. The tsunami that tore down everything in its path, it was a nightmare come to life. The blast from the atomic blast blinded me and left me helpless as I stood there frozen within my own mind. My body moved but my mind was trapped in a prison unable to escape. Failure was imminent and nothing would be able to stop the flood from coming.

Journey’s song Separate Ways sums up the last year pretty well for me. Having faith in the plan that isn’t my own is perhaps the hardest thing I’ve done. The horrible things we survive can either destroy us or it can propel us forward. When something happens to us in the past how does it affect us in the present? The nightmare that is left behind can play at any time during the day, find us in our sleep, and haunt us. But what if the demons of the past could be controlled? What if we could tame the beast and learn how to no longer allow it to control us? There may be hope if we but turn on the light to see in the dark.

Someone once asked me why I believed in God with so much pain and horrible things in this world. If God was so good then why are babies killed, why do innocent people get hurt? The answer is very simple. Free Will. Free will gives people the choice to decide their own path. We choose who we become friends with, and we choose the way we handle each and every event that comes to our life. Sometimes we make great choices, and other times we make choices that are self destructive. Sometimes our path’s are determined by the subconscious mind that wants what we know we shouldn’t have, but follow it anyway. Other people free will can harm people as innocent bystanders or out of cruelty or malice. God can interfere and sometimes does, but to put a stopper on free will in a fallen world of Sin would defeat the purpose of wanting His children to come to him freely. While miracles do happen, and God can play on someone’s heart, bad things are bound to happen.

I myself have been taken to the woodshed a few times. I’ve suffered at the hands of others, and I have caused suffering when I didn’t mean too. I’ve been brought to my knees and I’ve watched the world crumble and make no sense to what is up or down. While I’ve lost sight of the truth from time to time I always find my way back to the path. The Devil has tried to take me out of the game, to remove me from the board, but God’s plan for me is not yet finished. I can never apologize enough for the pain I have caused, and I can’t ever make it right. All I can do is try to atone for my mistakes. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and hope I get it. All I can do is try to make sure it never happens again and raise awareness for the perfect storm that hit me. While my path has diverged from that of those I love the most deeply in this life, I know that my love is not confined to my little part of this world, but that they know how I feel. I can never undo the past, but as I have fought to survive this last year, I keep in mind, there’s a reason to the pain. There’s a reason for the separate ways in my life, and I thank God for the blessings I do have.

Even though you’re gone I love you. Even though the end came I still care. God doesn’t abandon his Children. God never stops loving, and thus nor will I. Love in the deepest meaning of the word doesn’t die. Love always remains, and one-day love will concur all. Love isn’t weak; it’s the strongest thing in the universe. God will always provide, and even when we walk away from the path God will go off road with us. He may not approve of our choices, but he will always want us to come back. Faith in the truth, faith in the light, and the rest comes when you get your hands dirty with hard work. We may not think we’re strong enough, but when our strength runs low, we lift our eyes, and hands to the Lord and ask for help. We have faith that our needs will be provided for and in our hour of need, God will always provide. He provides every minute of every day, even if we don’t see the working of the little stuff. We don’t have to be strong enough, we just have to have faith. We can be broken, we can be lost, we can be afraid, but in God all things will be made right, and we can do all things because in Christ we are given strength, courage, love. Don’t loose sight of what’s important, and more importantly who. We only get a few people in our life that stay and make big impacts, don’t forget their face, don’t forget their name. Love can overcome anything. God’s love for us and the blood of our Savior shed for us was done in love freeing us from our eternal death, so if we could just love more like God, wouldn’t we be able to be happier too? Perhaps this Christmas you can start to love a little deeper.

Wants of Life

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Wants of life

Sometimes in life we can want something so badly but we never get it. I have experienced that a lot this last year. The things I’ve wanted and I have prayed for have never come to be. While I greatly appreciate the things I do have, there area couple of things I don’t have I long for and wonder why I’ve yet to be given the things I desire most.

We often ask ourselves what we’ve done to deserve such horrible things in our life. While sometimes our bad miss fortune comes from our own selfish and arrogant choices, sometimes bad things happen to the innocent just because of other people’s selfishness. In those bad times we may wish we had it better, or often say if I only had this life wouldn’t be so hard anymore. While these statements are true and probably have been uttered by nearly every one of us at some point, it’s the struggles in our life that truly define who we are. How one person deals with adversity is far more important then how hey deal with life’s bliss.

When we look to the things we desire we can’t always see the writing on the wall, that sometimes that thing, that one thing we wanted may actually not be good for us at all. Sometimes we should be thankful for unanswered prayers. We must accept

that if the time comes we will get what we want, and if we don’t there’s probably a reason for it.

My deepest desire is for a family of my own. To find a woman to love and cherish who will do the same to me. Someone I can have kids with and experience what it is to be a parent. While I’ve been so close to

That and have watched it crumble and be ripped away, I believe even though I’m incredibly lonely this holiday season, some day, my princess will come. (Yes I know it sounds cheesy)

Truly I would love for someone to take up the mantle of my Black Canary. I would love for someone to come into my life that will accept me, and help me along my path. You know you’re on the right path when in two people you find one another’s best selves. When you push each other to be better, to grow, to support one another. Having faith in those relationships despite my own horrors in my past relationships, it’s something I still dream about and long for.

Have faith that God is still there and if you haven’t gotten what you want, that you’re being prepared for it, or something better. God Loves his children and wants his children to be happy. Plans for joy, not pain. We must remember to have faith, keep the fire and light bright in our spirits and remember that God is supreme. Recognize the blessings this holiday season, and remember the reason we celebrate. It’s not the presents, it’s not the food, it’s the baby that so many years ago that was born to one day die to break the chains of eternal sin. Merry Christmas to all. And thank God for unanswered prayers.

Working With Your Hands

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Working With Your Hands

I’ve found that I have enjoyed cooking. Only recently within the last year has cooking become a big part of my life. It’s amazing what you find you can do when you are faced with a situation of either eating decent food, or eating out all the time. When faced with a choice the obvious healthy answer is to cook your own food. Something I’ve noticed is a sense of satisfaction for a meal well cooked. There’s a sense of joy knowing that others enjoy what I made with my own two hands. A sense of accomplishment knowing that I’ve come far in the last year and now, I can hold my own in the kitchen. But how does this transfer to veterans and how does this transfer to therapy?

In the military there’s always a sense of accomplishment. When you complete a long ruck march, when you get promoted, when you pass a PT test, there are many ways to be proud of yourself in the military. The problem starts when you get out and your achievements are no longer visible or recognized. After I left the military the achievements for a job well done came less then few and far in between. After years working in the civilian world it became hard to feel accomplished when it didn’t seem like anyone cared. Being a soldier came with some personality behaviors that stand out in the job field, but makes it hard for veterans due to the nature of those differences. Veterans statistically work harder, get to work early, leave late, accomplish tasks with a better use of time, and does the boss notice? Nope, not usually, and in that lies the problem. So what’s the solution?

Veterans need to find things to do they can be proud of. Recently I had the privilege of going to Hawaii on a trip that put my hands to work, my body to the max, my mind focused, and I took home a new sense of pride I hadn’t felt about myself in many years past. I was working with a group, I was achieving on my own, and through all of it, I walked away knowing I could do more then I had given myself credit for. I met so many people with amazing abilities through different walks of life post military. One man was a pro disabled surfer. The other makes beautiful sculptures out of wood. One man helps the homeless in the cities he goes to. I write, and with that I know I reach lives. Colossians 3:23 “23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 Diligent hands will rule, but laziness ends in forced labor.” When you work with your hands and when you create something from nothing you can find beauty in it, and you can find a sense of purpose. Weather it’s singing, painting, word working, photography, or anything else, perhaps it’s that working with your hands you as a veteran have missed.

If you don’t have something yet, go find something. Figure out suitable hobby, something you’re good at that when you’re done you can feel accomplished. The more you work with your hands, the more you put forth suitable effort and the more you achieve, the better about yourself you will feel. Work with your hands, get them a little dirty, and see how it feels to make something.

 

 

 

December 7th

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December 7th

The morning of December 7th the Empire of Japan attacked Pearl Harbor. The aftermath was 2008 sailors killed and 710 wounded. 218 soldiers and airmen killed, 109 marines killed, not counting civilians killed, all in all 2403 Americans lost their lives and more then a thousand wounded. The attack on our nation was bond to happen and sadly it was a shot in the dark, a sucker punch that would leave us limping and bleeding, but we always get back up.

From the ashes of that attack the country rose up together and together we were stronger then before. We are always stronger together then when we are driven apart. In today’s world the Devil wants us to turn against each other because like a lion chases the wildebeest they always go for the one separated from the group, they are weaker apart. When we are alone we can become easy pray for the Devil. Alone we are weak, we become scared, and we are more likely to fall and listen to the lies of the devil.

Like the phoenix that burns and is reborn in the ashes, we too can be reborn through our worst days. On days like today we honor those who served and sacrificed for that service. On today’s date oh so many years ago thousands of people suffered tremendous losses and I feel it’s only right that we remember. This time of year such violence is difficult because it being so close to the holiday will make the holiday forever stained. It can be difficult to live with such pain. The brave men and women who fought to survive, and fought to protect other innocent people should be deemed as heroes.

While we remember this date in history as being a major turning point in our nations history, let us also remember those who still put everything on the line to defend or protect us in this country. It’s never an easy thing to work on holidays, or give up special occasions, but someone has to do it. Hospitals need to run, and fires can start anywhere and at anytime. People don’t stop hurting others and police are never off duty. So please on today’s memorial, let us think of those who not only lost their lives, but those who are still serving every day.

 

 

Fallen

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Fallen

(Warning Graphic Material)

The world can be a dark place, and sometimes we fall. The men we are shaped by our past. We bleed green, we fight to protect those around us. We fight because we must, because we draw breath. We live to honor our brothers who didn’t. We are trained to carry on in the fight. We are trained to survive and we are trained to push down the pain, to see the next step at all costs. We train for war, we train to live, we train to kill, but most of all we are trained to protect our brothers and sisters of our country.

When the fight is over and we return home for some the fight never quits. We struggle to connect. My fight is no longer the enemy of flesh and blood, but the enemy of darkness. In the last year I have found it harder and harder to connect with people. Not for a lack of trying on my part, I just haven’t had very many connect with me. I’ve struggled to make and keep friends this year. I’ve watched as old friends have moved on, and for reasons unknown have decided I was no longer needed in their life. As this unfortunately feeds into my deepest fear, that of abandonment, it also fuels the darkness that nearly overtook me just over a year ago.

When the world seems darkest and when it appears to be no hope, that’s when one enters dangerous waters. The whispers and lies that wade around the ankles of unsuspecting waders in the waters ready to drag you under. When one bad thing happens after another, it’s easier and easier to get pulled into the muck. When everything you hold most dear falls away how can one survive so much pain? How can someone survive the worst terrors of mankind, loose ones family, and believe there may still be hope? It’s simple, the Devil whispers lies in our ears and sometimes it gets the better of us. Sometimes it takes hold, and what once seemed like an unthinkable response seems to be the most reasonable. The perfect storm that leads us down the dark path, and sadly, a fallen one.

Can you imagine yourself in the mists of loosing everything you cherished most in life? As I watched my life falling apart I couldn’t breath. The life I was living didn’t seem like my own any longer. The air seemed to be sucked from my very lungs. The crushing feeling in my chest as it fell apart. The woman I loved and the family I thought had accepted me for so long in fact, only kept me around because of my wife, who at that very moment was packing to leave. A second time I watched as my wife would leave me. Two marriages, two affairs, and two divorces, and the second time sadly would be more then I could take. As I watched the packing and moving I saw myself as an entire failure. My ability to see reason, to think rationally had been dangerously compromised. A dangerous and unfortunate turn of events that would cause my personal battles to no longer stay hidden, stay buried as they once were. The crashing waves crushed my spirit, the breaking of the dam that would allow the dirty laundry that remained safely tucked away, to flood every inch of what I protected most. The burier that had been built carefully over many years of constant vigilance would be destroyed and years of built up pain, of every wrong step, of every trauma, every set back, every mistake, and every loss would rush down upon me like a tsunami that would be stopped by nothing. A whirlwind of nothing but negative feelings sucked the hope and the things we fight for to stay alive every day, out of my chest, my heartbeat, but hollow. I couldn’t reconcile my failure, my loss, my hopelessness, so it seemed as if there were only one thing to do.

Not every action taken is thought out. Not every action taken offers the comfort or the desired outcome we hope for. Sometimes the mind plays tricks on us, and in times of great stress, great sorrow, those tricks can be equal to the level of pain. Isn’t pain an interesting thing? How we grieve for the loss of a beloved pet. How we feel badly when our favorite TV show ends. How we feel when a best friend parts ways for the last time. Or how we grieve when we loose the ones we love most dearly. There are all manner of ways we grieve but sometimes that grief is so powerful it literally takes hold and we cannot bear to take one more step, take one more breath, and we honestly forget how. How that grief can feel when it’s a lifetime of loss, and how the grief turns to pain that cannot be reconciled. Now what do you do with that pain when you are alone? How do you channel the thoughts from the Devil when there’s no one there to reach out too? Pain can be a powerful motivator, pain of a physical nature, the odd satisfaction of physical pain. Some people use this pain by getting tattoos, they use it to handle the stress of life, the dealing of hard times. People also use another form of pain as a self regulated therapy and that’s cutting. The act of cutting one’s self and using that pain as a release, the endorphins created to mask the physical pain is a drug in the brain that allows a sense of calm. Cutting while frowned upon is actually widely used by young adults and adolescence. Years ago there was another form of pain used by Priests to be used a form of punishment for sin. Self-flagellation, this practice largely used within the Catholic Church ended in the 14th century. It is still used today in some extent. What would you do if the pain inside was more then you could bare? What would you do if the trauma you suffered was a lifetime’s worth all at once?

It’s a strange thing looking back at ones life in an instant. The term seeing your life flashed before your eyes isn’t so farfetched. For some they get flashes of happy times, of loved ones, of things they cared for in life. But what if in that moment, that split second, failure, self loathing, self disgust was all you saw? What if what you saw in the blink of an eye was that you were what was wrong with your life? How would you feel? While I don’t begrudge my wife for leaving, she did what she felt was best for her, I will ever hold love in my heart for her. I have tried to remain faithful to the feelings of forgiveness, understanding, and above all love. She will forever hold a special place in my heart, and even if she may never be a part of my life anymore, I will love her always.

I failed once, the poorly executed plan, I didn’t even check to see if the stupid thing was loaded. Standing on the back porch, a deep breath, and squeezing the trigger while standing on the stairs, the hammer fell, but no bullet. Screaming how much of a failure I was I threw the gun across the yard. I went cursing at myself on the way to pick it up. There my sister in law, not sure what she just saw, I handed her the gun and told her to hold onto that. I stormed back in the house, went to the bedroom and grabbed the black Smith & Wesson 9mm that was loaded, and I stormed out to the front porch. This time I sat down and watched as my wife finished packing the car. She was leaving, and I knew she’d be gone for good. I told her I was sorry for everything, and that she should just pretend like none of it ever happened. I don’t recall if she actually said anything, but she walked out of sight. I was alone, in that no one was within line of sight of me, and that was the moment. I put the pistol to my shoulder, looked at it, and with just a flicker of hesitation, squeezed the trigger. The round ripped through the flesh, the blood splattered out onto my hand and the gun. Everything I saw was dark, hopeless, endless amounts of pain, and I deserved to suffer in physical pain equal to that of my emotional pain because I was the common denominator, I was the center of it all, and I must have been at fault, so therefore, I must be the one to suffer and be punished for my failings. The air left my lungs quickly. The scream from my wife would be etched into my memory like a diamond etching into stone, forever leaving it’s mark. I reached up to hold the hole in my shoulder, but something went wrong, something wasn’t right. Everything was going black, it was supposed to just go straight through, I didn’t understand. I felt someone grab me, but blackness covered my eyes. I no longer heard anything, I was no longer in the world.

Seconds turned to hours as I remained in the world of black. A lifetime in nothingness, no thoughts, no fears, no hopes, nothing at all that connected me to the world of the living. That’s when I heard myself say it, “God I’m sorry!” I never expected to hear a response, but what I heard couldn’t be explained by reason or logic. The booming nature was like a shaking thunder reverberating all over my body, down into the very cells of what I was made up of. My ears pounded with the shaking of the words I was able to make out and understand perfectly even as loud and thunderous as it was. “You’re forgiven!” The jolt forced my eyes open and I could see someone above me. The pain shot through my back and my shoulder, the shooting through my body with each and every breath. “No, let me go, let me die!” I begged the paramedics. They refused, but it was to their surprise I woke up at all. The amount of time I was unconscious was about 30 minutes. Second hand information I would find out later the amount of blood loss should have killed me. I would end up loosing around 6 units of blood out of the average 8. The paramedics fought to keep me alive, and every time I would try to close my eyes, to go back to the blissful darkness, they would bring me back, sternum rubs, tapping me, anything they could to keep me with them. The only thing I actually said that made any sense was to take me to the VA, which they responded almost jokingly, they couldn’t because they weren’t equipped for it, and if they did I’d die. At the time, it didn’t sound so bad. Death wasn’t my intention, but the thought of dying seemed okay.

The thing with not thinking clearly, and being overcome by grief and pain, is the cause and effect of such actions. The bullet didn’t travel straight through, instead it chipped the clavicle, and went down through the left lung, leaving a large 9mm hole and particles of the bullet, before traveling onto the 2nd, 3rd, and 7th ribs before exiting my lower shoulder blade. I apparently pulled the trigger and jumped and the gun was too high. Not that, that’s any kind of good excuse, what I did was beyond reckless, beyond stupid, it was as it turns out, irredeemable in the eyes of some, but not to the Lord.

Here’s the trouble in a nutshell. There are always consequences to poor decisions. In the wake of such a choice, I watched as countless friends jumped ship and swam away as fast as they could. My love of firearms would end as my privileges would be revoked, and every firearm I had sold. I would loose my position at my job, a job I had worked very hard to get. I would loose the respect of those around me, and with the respect, I would loose any and all credibility I had. I would forever have shoulder pain, and troubles with the lung from the shrapnel left behind. Any chance I may have had with my wife vanished with the shot and the scream. I would undergo over a year of therapy, and even with that, more to come. I would eventually loose my job, and my career, and as more and more friends left, the full ramifications would come, and I would once again be standing cross in hand as I would be forced to bare the pain.

Over a year later, I have watched as the majority of my closest friends and allies would leave. I would be left with no direction, no sense of earthly worth, and a seemingly bleak future. Less then a year after the gunshot I would suffer a major neck injury and would require emergency fusion surgery. With the severe rupture of the C5 disc, the possibility of infection became more likely with every passing day, and although I would avoid infection, the lasting affect would cost me my job, and my plans for the future. From all standards of living, the outcome looks bleak. The hits never stopped coming, the wins were few, and the losses were many. How does one overcome such adversity?

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 “8 [We are] troubled on every side, yet not distressed; [we are] perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;”

A part of me died that day on those stairs. What I heard that day is why I came back, and no matter how dark it gets, how much it hurts, how far you fall, we can remember only one thing, God loves us. I was a soldier, and I swore an oath to never quit, never surrender, and until the day comes when the Good Lord calls me home, we can never fall so far that we can’t pick ourselves up. While we will always have our bad days, and no matter the struggles we may face, we have to keep picking ourselves up. If anything can come from such a tragic year, perhaps my story can touch the life of someone struggling. Hero’s are not born, but made. The hero’s in my life are the men and women of the 2nd ID combat team that served with me in Iraq and found the need to be at a brothers side. The loving support of my pastors, and the brave first responders that fought diligently to keep me alive is in part why I fight. I would have my brothers and sisters standing with me fighting, and because they fight for me, I shall always fight. No matter how dark the days, no matter how far I fall, I shall learn how to crawl again, I will learn how to walk, and I will one day learn how to soar above the clouds. I shall never quit because God didn’t quit on me. I shall never fall without knowing God is with me to help me. Yes apart of me died that day, but I also lived. The struggle shall always stay with me, and the ramifications of what’s left in the wake of disaster will perhaps take years to repair, but I shall continue to fight and try. While on this very day I have no idea where my life is going, what I will do, where I will live, how I will survive, if I’ll ever find love again, if I’ll ever be accepted, if I’ll ever make new friends to replace those who’ve left, what I do know, is it’s in God’s capable hands.

Having faith in the middle of the storm is hard. Being able to close your eyes and trust in the leap, knowing that God will catch you, that’s faith. We worry because we are human. We question because we are inflicted with sin nature. We survive because we have God. We thrive because we know Jesus. We all stumble, we all fall, but we cannot learn without it. We will never be perfect in this world, and if there’s anything I hope more then anything in this world, is to not be judged for a moment of weakness for the rest of my life. I don’t know why my friends jumped ship afterwards. I don’t know why I was made to suffer through all I have. I don’t have the answers, and while I still breath on this world, perhaps I never will.

I know I let my brothers and sisters down with my weakness, but I know I have an obligation to live, and to never forget, to spread the word of the Lord, and fight to help those who suffer. We will suffer at the hands of the Devil, we will suffer at the hands of man as it was foretold by Christ. 2 Timothy 3:12 “Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.” Forever will the scar remain on my chest a reminder of the fall of man, and the momentary triumphs of the Devil. I will forever have a scar to remind me of the fight we fight every day. A scar from the battles that are waged in the shadows and we are pawns in a larger picture. We are the soldiers in which the war is waged for souls on this worldly plane. No one ever said you’d make it through life without scars. No one ever said it would be easy. 1 Peter 4:16 “Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.” As Job before me, suffering is not new under the sun. The suffering of man, testing ones resolve, forging steel, and pushing one to their limits, all comes with the territory of picking up the cross and following Jesus.

No one ever said the cross wouldn’t be heavy, and no one ever said it didn’t come at a cost, but what cost could we ever pay to be worthy of the gift of Heaven? Jesus paid the price and a little suffering now, or in some cases, a lot of suffering now, will be worth it when we sit with Jesus in paradise for all eternity.

When my day comes I hope to regain some of my dignity and self-respect I left on those stairs. I fell, and fell harder then I ever imagined I could have. I have lived with the knowledge of my fallen spirit, and I face the battle to redemption every day. But I say to you, it’s not if we fall, but how we pick ourselves up. So if you’ve fallen pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on. There will be dark days ahead, and even the most faithful will be put to the test. When your day comes and you’re facing your last breath, a hope for you is this, may it be of peace and at a time of God’s own choosing. Breathe until the Lord calls you home. Raise no hand to your enemies, instead raise open arms. Bring no harm upon yourself, instead remember that you are a child of the one true King and God loves you despite your faults. God’s love is pure and everlasting. When the days last number comes and you go home, remember 2 Timothy 4:6-8 “For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing”

 I was a soldier once for this country, now I’m a soldier for Christ. The days are long, and we may grow weary, but eternity is longer, and it’s worth the wait.

 

Live by the Tongue, Die by the Tongue

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Live by the Tongue, Die by the Tongue

The little thing we keep in our mouths is a mix between dangerous and amazing. The tongue has the potential to say the sweetest of words, sing beautiful lyrics, site-amazing poems, and express the deepest of love. The flip side is anger, hate, bigotry, and can often sew decent in any situation.

Proverbs 21:23 “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” When we live our life according to Jesus and the Holy Word, we must mind our tongue. When we consider the commandment of Love God above all with all your heart, and then love your neighbor as yourself, we must always remember that once spoken, words can never be recovered. Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” If we are lifting ourselves and other sup to the level Christ wants us to be, we must always lift up and not tear down. It’s not easy always minding the tongue, but it is something we are supposed to do.

When we love one another arguments usually happen. We have a choice however how to deal with those situations when they come up. Proverbs 12:18 “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” We often hurt our loved ones the most and we know just want to say just like plunging a knife in deeply. Why is it so easy for us to hurt the ones we care for? Knowing when to open your mouth and knowing when to keep it shut is a gift of patience and Holy Virtue. Proverbs 17:28 “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” We need to remember sometimes it’s better to just shut our mouth and move on.

It’s very simple in concept, but probably the most difficult thing you’ll ever do. We as Christians must learn to control what we say. If what you speak isn’t used to raise someone up or help them genuinely, there’s no need to say it. So may kids today bullied to the point of torture, yet we stand idly by and continue to allow it to happen. Words do hurt, and we have a choice on how we want others to feel after talking to us. While it’s true we are not all gifted with speech, and we may not always say what we mean, or even know how to articulate the right words. It’s hard to articulate feelings, especially when feelings can cause strife. We must learn to articulate feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt your partner. While it’s not easy, it takes practice, and it takes the desire to want to know how not to hurt your loved ones, but with the right effort it’s possible.

If you live a life with love in your heart its easier to speak with love on your tongue. When you have anger, or hate in your heart you speak ill of people, you’re cruel and the words that you utter tear people down. Love and raise up, because in this world we could all use a little more love in our hearts. Love more, love often.

 

 

My What Big Eyes You Have

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My What Big Eyes You Have

Matthew 7:15-20 “15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? 17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. 19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. 20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.”

When I was a young boy I thought my life was normal. Then I started to open my eyes to the world around me. I looked at the families of my friends, I looked at the kids at school and I realized my life was far from average. As I got older I found I was disconnected from the world around me. The world as it was didn’t seem to accept me for who I was. The bullying started and soon it was more then just name calling and teasing it became physical. My shoes would be taken in gym and tossed around, my stuff would be knocked to the floor, I’d be pushed around when nobody was watching and no one ever came to my rescue. The day I received a swirly was one of the worst and most shameful moments of my life. I didn’t want the world to see me anymore. If all of that wasn’t bad enough, the following school year my mother was involved in a serious incident. It wasn’t long before the cat was out of the bag, and mean kids became cruel and from then on the words were that of physiological warfare….. Torture. When the school bullies learned of what happened I became the punch line and it was clear I wasn’t ever going to fit in. I drew into myself. I tried to put on a smile, but it was fake. No one knew the pain, and even the school counselors did nothing. Twice I was punished for fighting back when I was pushed or shoved into the lockers, or when someone said just the right thing knowing after 3 years how to push my buttons. Every day I thought about my life and how much I wanted the world to end. Every day I cried wishing my life would end and the pain would stop. I wasn’t normal, I wasn’t special, I was nothing in the world. The idea of life’s meaning was brought up more then once in my internal monolog. Would the world have been better without me? Since no one wanted me, I was an anomaly that there was no answer too.

I wandered through life lost, and confused about who I was. I felt the Devils claws digging into my heart and squeezing the joy from my chest as if I were some fruit trying to get juice. The thoughts in my head kept telling me, there’s a better way, better days for the winds to lift us on eagles wings and we would find better ways to look into the storm and stand tall against the Devil and his minions of death. Would moving make things better? Would a change make things better? From the ages of 10 to 16 I moved around a few times trying to find where I belonged, each time feeling as if I were betraying someone. Every time I left I struggled with my decision. A foolish sense of loyalty remained in my heart and caused doubt with each passing day. The joy would only be temporary and the guilt would set in like a sticky fog and I couldn’t outrun it.

The life I wanted would come with my final move. A school I could find myself in, friends I would grow to depend on, the occasional girlfriend, and an abundance of success. Finally for the first time in my life I found a sense of peace, a sense that the world wasn’t all out to get me. While every life has its setbacks, every heart has its heartbreak, and every day must bring forth it’s night, the truth was I was home. Three years I lived that life, and three years I found my happiness. When the day came to graduate I knew life wasn’t going to play by the rules anymore. I knew the protection we teenagers had would eventually fall away. It’s that false sense of security that’s so important to notice.

I sit alone and listen to the words of the music from my computer. We see through our eyes of perspective, but narrow and pointed. How we don’t see the truth, how we never think to walk a mile in their shoes. What would it be like to walk in someone’s shoes? Would we ever see the pain they hide behind their eyes? Would we feel what they feel? What’s it like to feel the pain of someone else? What’s it like to feel the judgments we deal out? What’s it like to be on the receiving end of our harsh words and our snap judgments? What is it like to be at the top and still feel like you’re at the bottom? When we receive our gifts in life do we look at them objectively, or do we allow our narrow field of view to blind us? Is it a gift or a curse? Are the gifts we embrace truly gifts or are they wolves in sheep’s clothing?

While in my life I’ve loved deeply, that love has come with a cost. I have lost the women in my life I was closest too. I have loved and lost more then many, but still less then others. My life has had its share of pain and suffering, but was it because of my inability to see the true nature of what I had? What may appear to be a wonderful gift from God might truly be a curse. The truth hurts and nothing hurts like the betrayal of the people we love most. Best friends will leave you, loved ones will forsake you, the words that are uttered will cut most deeply. The Devil will try to get to you using any means possible. The Devil will break through and turn your friends against you. The Devil will draw your spouse away and in that the wolves are everywhere. The Devil takes no prisoners and doesn’t care at the cost, the collateral damage left in the wake of destruction. I spent so much of my life hanging low, picking up the pieces from the ground trying to put my life back together over and over again.

The truth is however you can’t rebuild using the rubble of your life; you must first clear away the destruction to make room for the new. You must remove the old and damaged pieces and look to the future, look to the sky for the chances to rebuild stronger and better then it was before. Looking at the destruction of our lives is easy to do, but when the storm blows through and the light shines through, clear the old and make room for the new. You can’t build a house on top of the old one. You can’t let the destruction of the old get in the way of the possibilities. Furthermore, you cannot look at every gift with suspicion. You must have faith in God and the blessings bestowed upon you. As I have said in the past trust but verify. Look at the gifts and be thankful for what you have.

Even as the wolf lays in the bed waiting to gobble you up, wearing a grandma suit trying to trick you, you cannot allow for the sin of others to affect you and take away your joy. Christ died for us, his blood spilt to give us the joy of salvation. No matter what people say or do, that will never define the purpose God has for you. Believe in yourself no matter what the devil throws in your path. Life will hurt you, the Devil will beat you, and the world you love so much, the life you’ve built will crumble around you and you will be powerless to stop it. No matter the storm stand strong, stand tall. Fight back against the wolves sent to pull you down, pull you away from Christ. Fight back and don’t allow the Devil to stop you from moving forward. You can never hit a home run if you’re too afraid to swing. You cannot allow the Devil to pull you away from salvation. Believe in yourself and live your life with Love, Kindness, and Compassion for your fellow man. Trust in the word and love.

It’s hard to love after major disasters. It’s hard to have faith in tomorrow when your standing in the middle of destruction but as Christ forced the very clouds upon the water to part, the winds to vanish, and the sun to shine, your life is only a matter of time and prayer. Prayers for help, pray for guidance, and pray for strength to persevere. Love is about having faith; it’s about pushing and believing in God, believing in yourself, and trying to always see the best in the people in your life. Life can be rebuilt for as long as you draw breath there is always hope. As long as you believe the world turns, the sunrises and sets and with every day a chance to change, a chance to paint a new canvas with your own story, you can be exactly the person God knows you can be. Do you believe in life after love? When you don’t think you’re strong enough, fall to your knees and you will be blessed. We are strong enough as long as we have Christ with us and by our side. Never quit and never allow the wolf to take from you that, which is most precious, your faith in Christ.

Seasons Change

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Seasons Change

The storms will come and the destruction it brings.

The dark clouds come and the light fades out.

A season of change and alas do the clouds split?

Head down and strong shoulder through

Tonight is the night to watch the storm break.

We cannot hold on forever

We cannot live in the past.

The storm rocked the world and still standing.

Tonight fix the sight, change the focus.

Tonight I’m gonna live my life and say goodbye.

The storm must break and the new light breaths new life.

Tomorrow the sun shall rise and the past is past.

Running away from the past, towards the future.

It’s funny ain’t it, how a small thing can bring such change.

God’s funny that way, how when the sky looks so dark, the light is just moments away.

You can tell how amazing it is, how it takes your breath away.

How the light glistens in the wind.

The storm clouds leave and the air fresh and new.

The matters of the heart are wonderful and wondrous.

The sweetest truths are found when least expected.

How can I put down in words how wonderful life is.

God gave me Christ, and Christ gave me life.

How wonderful life is while you’re in the world.

Tell me it’s not too good to be true, the storm rolls away.

I wanna know it’s true, I feel the change, could I see it too?

I’ve been wrong before, but the day goes on.

I want the truth, I can handle the truth.

God I trust in you, I need to, I need to know it’s all right.

I trust in you when you say forgiveness is mine.

My God my God, I need you to help me, don’t take this from me.

If I’m wrong it’s to good to be true, but can it, and is it, I don’t know.

We never know the end, so we live for today. The end is neigh and live for now.

Love all, serve all.

 

 

 

 

Do you have your passport?

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Do you have your passport?

John 14:6 “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” We know that the only way to heaven is to believe in the Son Jesus Christ. I have traveled over a large portion of the world and during those travels I had to use my passport to do so. When we die we have a choice of where we want to travel next. When we live our lives our actions will dictate where we go. Just like our passport to travel abroad, our passport doesn’t always give us the ability to travel to any country they want. Parts of China, Russia, and North Korea for instance are not permissible with a passport alone.

In Romans 10:9 it reconfirms the point that you cannot travel to Heaven without the relationship with Jesus Christ. “Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” The point is simple, we have straightforward rules to follow and if we do that, if we give our lives to Christ and accept that we are small in the grand scheme of life.

When we think about eternity why are we so stubborn to face the facts of life like a good honorable person? Sometimes in life it’s difficult to keep ourselves focused on the big picture. We often want the feel good medicine. We give up our morals, our compass that points to God for the things that give us worldly gratification. We often fall short in our walk with Christ, but thankfully the gatekeeper of Heaven is an understanding guy. Heaven is a place for those who are proclaimed sinners, people who know they’ve done wrong, and in the midsts of those mistakes try to pay the penance for them, they try to redeem themselves, and ask God for forgiveness for the sins committed, a person who tries to do the works for the pleasure of God. We cannot get to heaven through good works, but in our love of Christ, we are compelled to do good works because we are the hands and feet of Christ Jesus.

Make sure that as you live your life just like your drives license and your passport, you keep your faith renewed. Knowing Jesus and knowing that through Him is the only way into heaven that’s your passport. Make sure you keep it with you in your daily walk. Make sure you keep it updated by reading your bible, spending time with other Christians, loving your neighbors, and doing the works God has placed on your heart. Have faith in the Lord and you will be rewarded with a one way trip to eternal grace.

 

 

Fighting Insecurities

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Fighting Insecurities

Let’s face it we all have our insecurities about something in this life. Everyone’s different and everyone has their own battles to face. Over the years a particular event has occurred in my life on more then one occasion that has created and cultivated a unfortunate, and disturbing insecurity. I would go as far to say it’s certainly not an endearing or attractive quality. Nevertheless it’s here and fighting back against it is truly a struggle.

An understandable fear of abandonment has settled in and has taken up residence in the deepest part of my mind. With it it’s cousin the insecurity of feeling wanted, or needed. When a message is sent to someone, you know they’ve seen it, and your brain automatically goes to ‘what did I do wrong?’ and ‘am I not important enough to them?’ These things may be true, but the most likely fact is, it’s in our head. My self worth has been in question for some time now. These things the Devil tells you, whispers to you in your darkest hours are thorns in your side.

We must learn to focus on the good things we have to offer in a relationship. Everyone brings something special to a relationship, and thus we are all special. Philippians 4:6-9 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” If we are loved and love, we must learn to lift up our loved. 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” If someone’s important to you, then it’s in that importance you would want to set their fears aside and show them they have nothing to fear. Lift up your partner, lift up your friends, and help fight back against the whispers of the devil.

The number one thing to remember is placing your self worth in others is always a recipe for disaster. No matter what you beat the odds in this life and God has made you just the way he wanted you. Consider why you are unhappy, or why you are insecure. John 15:11 “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” The only thing we should need is the knowledge that Christ loves us just the way we are.

You must learn to trust in yourself and focus on your own gifts. Know what your gifts are and know that they are good enough. If your partner doesn’t see or appreciate them, perhaps there are bigger issues, which may or may not be your fault. A deep internal look at the cause may be warranted to understand and justify, and then overcome.

I believe sharing these with your significant other is important. Be sure to communicate and allow that open line of communication to face the problem head on. There will always be a way to face the insecurities that plague you. Allow yourself to face your insecurities and then you can own up to it, and overcome. Have faith in the Lord and what the Lord created. Each of us has been given gifts and we should focus on those gifts instead of our shortcomings. Romans 12:6-9 “Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, whether prophecy, let us prophesy according to the proportion of faith; 7 Or ministry, let us wait on our ministering: or he that teacheth, on teaching; 8 Or he that exhorteth, on exhortation: he that giveth, let him do it with simplicity; he that ruleth, with diligence; he that sheweth mercy, with cheerfulness. 9 Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.” Use your gifts. Allow someone to love you for what you have to offer, and fear not for what you do not have. The ice will melt one day and the life preserved, frozen in time, will once again show it’s colors and it’s beauty. Let the ice melt over your heart frozen in time, and warm up to the idea of loving once again.