Tag: christian

Wants of Life

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Wants of life

Sometimes in life we can want something so badly but we never get it. I have experienced that a lot this last year. The things I’ve wanted and I have prayed for have never come to be. While I greatly appreciate the things I do have, there area couple of things I don’t have I long for and wonder why I’ve yet to be given the things I desire most.

We often ask ourselves what we’ve done to deserve such horrible things in our life. While sometimes our bad miss fortune comes from our own selfish and arrogant choices, sometimes bad things happen to the innocent just because of other people’s selfishness. In those bad times we may wish we had it better, or often say if I only had this life wouldn’t be so hard anymore. While these statements are true and probably have been uttered by nearly every one of us at some point, it’s the struggles in our life that truly define who we are. How one person deals with adversity is far more important then how hey deal with life’s bliss.

When we look to the things we desire we can’t always see the writing on the wall, that sometimes that thing, that one thing we wanted may actually not be good for us at all. Sometimes we should be thankful for unanswered prayers. We must accept

that if the time comes we will get what we want, and if we don’t there’s probably a reason for it.

My deepest desire is for a family of my own. To find a woman to love and cherish who will do the same to me. Someone I can have kids with and experience what it is to be a parent. While I’ve been so close to

That and have watched it crumble and be ripped away, I believe even though I’m incredibly lonely this holiday season, some day, my princess will come. (Yes I know it sounds cheesy)

Truly I would love for someone to take up the mantle of my Black Canary. I would love for someone to come into my life that will accept me, and help me along my path. You know you’re on the right path when in two people you find one another’s best selves. When you push each other to be better, to grow, to support one another. Having faith in those relationships despite my own horrors in my past relationships, it’s something I still dream about and long for.

Have faith that God is still there and if you haven’t gotten what you want, that you’re being prepared for it, or something better. God Loves his children and wants his children to be happy. Plans for joy, not pain. We must remember to have faith, keep the fire and light bright in our spirits and remember that God is supreme. Recognize the blessings this holiday season, and remember the reason we celebrate. It’s not the presents, it’s not the food, it’s the baby that so many years ago that was born to one day die to break the chains of eternal sin. Merry Christmas to all. And thank God for unanswered prayers.

Let your word be your bond

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Let your word be your bond

How many of you have been stood up, or canceled on time and again? How many people have told you they would do something you depended on them to do, and they’ve canceled or dropped the ball? So this is a touchy topic for me because it’s been happening to me a lot lately.

From wedding vows, to promises, to making plans, peoples word means next to nothing anymore. I’ve met so many people online that try to scam you, or get you with their friendly talk only to want you to shell out money for them, or catfish who just like hurting peoples feelings. I’ve had ex wives lie to me, and I’ve had best friends who swore they’d never leave, till they do. I’ve watched as this world has fallen to the depravity of lies and deceit and now I find myself in the center of some of the worst times of my life and yet instead of friends flocking to my side to help hold me up, they’ve stepped on the cross to push me deeper into the ground. When it feels like I’m being crushed I know that just like the bat signal in the sky, I cry to the Lord for strength and then to the Devil himself, I exclaim to come and get me because I will stand toe to toe with the Devil every day, and I know that there’s nothing the Devil can do because me and Jesus come together and we can get through any and everything the Devil might try to do.

It doesn’t matter how many friends leave. It doesn’t matter how much my body fails. It doesn’t the matter the muddy water I’m in, I know how the story ends, and it ends with my death, and every ounce of pain, every bit of sorrow being expunged from my life and I will look down at the Devil in hell and smile. I am God’s favored child and I know that the pretender that tries so hard to tempt us will always loose the fight.

People’s inability to live up to their word, and those who lie and consistently let you down, I know that one day, they will need me and I will do the Lord like thing, and I will be there for them. I make a promise I keep it. I have always been there for my friends. I have always made the time to talk, I’ve always gone to great lengths to help them, and for those who’ve taken my kindness for granted and for those who’ve not cared the amount of effort I’ve put it, it doesn’t matter because God knows my heart, and my ability to help others is strong and for the glory of Jesus. When the darkness surrounds me and the thoughts creep in, I know that there’s nothing the Devil can do to take away what I have. The ashes fell like snow around my life as I watched everything I built burn to the ground, but even in those moments, I knew that the reason was beyond my understand and that I had to have faith in the Lord. See the Lords promise is never wavering. The Lords word that we are free from death, and that in this life as a Christian we will face problems, we will face persecution, we will be attacked by the Devil, and those who are the most faithful will have the Devil nipping at their heals the most.

When those around me lie, cheat, steal, and fail to be the friend they’ve promised, I will do the one thing I can, and that’s to look in the mirror, and make the change from within. “I’m startin with the man in the mirror.” (Batman/Jackson) When those around me break me, drag my feelings through the mud, the place to be is on top and doubling my efforts to be there for others. “If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change.” (Man in the Mirror)

My message to everyone this holiday season is to stop saying you’re going to do something and don’t. Stop lying about your intensions or what you’re going to do. Just tell the truth, honor your vows, your promises, and if you’re going to be a friend, then be a friend.

Proverbs 11:3 The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.

Ecclesiastes 5:2 Don’t make rash promises, and don’t be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few.

Ecclesiastes 5:4-6 “When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you vow. 5 It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay. 6 Let not your mouth lead you[a] into sin, and do not say before the messenger[b] that it was a mistake.”

Matthew 5:37 “But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.”

It’s simple, keeping your word shows you have dignity. When you fail to live up to what you say you’ll do, or break promises, it damages your credibility. As a Christian we are taught that our upright credibility is very important. God wants for us to do the right things, and that starts with what comes out of our mouths.

All our Hope

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All our hope

All we can do is drop to our knees and pray, placing all our hope in Jesus. I know I’m not worthy to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven, but God is big and I am small. Some people are cruel, and manipulative. Pray to God for their souls, pray to God for the change that needs to happen.

I’ve been down on my knees a lot lately. I’ve been taken to the emotional woodshed, and all I can say is Thank God yesterday’s gone. Im no stranger to pain, no stranger to heartache and heartbreak, but I’m free and I’m saved in the Blood of Christ. We can be beaten, tortured, we can loose it all on this world, and we can be broken down, we can be so hurt we may not feel like we can breathe anymore, but if you can still draw breath, then the hope in Christ, all our sins are forgiven, our tears will one day be wiped away, and the pain of yesterday will be gone.

There’s nothing anyone can do to take your salvation away. Your heart for Jesus will outlive your pain, the attacks you will face daily. ‘If you can take it you can make it’ unbroken.

Spirit in the Sky

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Spirit in the Sky

Matthew 12:31-33 “31 And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.  32 Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.  33 “Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit.”

 Look to the sky and you will see the birds that fly, the clouds so high. You’ll see the stars at night, and the moon so bright. You’ll see the vastness that exists but only a fleck of dust in the cosmos of the vastness of space. Who are we, and what are we doing here? We are a beautiful and unique creation within the vastness of space. We may not be the only life out there and probably aren’t, but that doesn’t mean we are any less special. We are God’s many children and we are loved just the same. We are loved when we are good and even when we aren’t. We’re loved when we sin and when we give endlessly. God loves us no less yesterday as he does tomorrow. Forgiveness is ours and we have it to give back. When we look around us at those who walk besides us, how do we react when someone makes a mistake that affects us? When we are in an accident do we fly off the handles, or are we calm and understanding? No matter what day you find yourself everyone has a story, and we only see a fleeting second of that story. When we look above and we see the vastness of everything around us, are we seeing life in the context in which it should be viewed? We may only be able to affect the world around us on a macro scale, but that doesn’t mean for the small impact we may have, that isn’t equally as important as the next.

We must have respect for the Holy Spirit and allow it to fill you up, guide you, and protect you. How often I have been so close to death, but managed to escape nearly unharmed. It has not gone beyond my comprehension that there’s something more powerful then I behind the scenes pulling strings. I have felt the Holy Spirit, and I have heard it. It’s filled up my heart, and my soul, and I have faith in it. Some days you just need to look to the sky, close your eyes, and feel the breeze and know that you’re being watched over.

If you don’t feel the Spirit around you, you’re just not paying attention. It’s everywhere, in everything, and life all around you touched by the hand of God. Don’t let the world blind you from the truth. Don’t let life get so busy you can’t see the beauty in front of you.

 

Back To Life

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Back to life

The return to my normal life came back like a kick in the face. Less then 24 hours after my return I find myself right back in the war. My first appointment was supposed to be easy and straight forward and yet the VA’s propensity for failure is never without a small sense of irony.

While the appointment wasn’t a total loss, it was a quick reminder I’m no longer in paradise and I needed to be ready to pick up arms again and be ready for the impending fight.

When you return from a vacation, or in my case an intense clinic of physical and psychological exorcises designed to push, motivate, and rejuvenate your soul, it’s a challenge returning to life and watching as the difficulty continues.

It’s important to stay focused and realize that just because there are hiccups in the road doesn’t mean all is lost. I’m finding myself in a struggle to manage the emotional roller coaster, but as far as frustrations go, breaking out in chronic hives is high on my list. Breathing and trying to recall the serenity prayer is a big step for me to remaining focused on the big picture.

Tick Tock

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Tick Tock

 Abraham waited for years for the son he never thought would come. He even disobeyed God and took his handmaiden and she bore him a child. God was angry at this because that wasn’t the plan, that wasn’t what Abraham was told to do. Job lived for years watching his entire life fall apart around him. He remained faithful and in his Faith he was justly rewarded. We can sit back and watch as time continues to move and as much as it may hurt, or bother us, time moves even if we don’t have the answers we may need or want. We are very impatient most of the time. The sad truth is, we don’t have a say when things work out or why. Things happen the way God wants them to, and all we can do is continue to show faith and effort.

Luke 1:37 “For with God nothing shall be impossible.”

Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

 It’s never easy to take a step back and realize how powerless we may be. Regardless of what we want, we can only have faith. No matter what situation we may find ourselves we can’t let the Devil get between God and us. We have to keep the faith because the consequences are much worse for denying God, then to face the world.

The clock ticks across time but we never know when that clock will stop. We never know when our clock may stop. Keep the faith in any season. We must always remember that the line of fate might be cut at any moment, and we don’t want to be caught unawares.

Not According to Plan

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Not According to Plan

Why is life so hard sometimes? Why do we fail, or hurt? When we don’t live up to who we think we should be, why is it so hard to stand back up? Why is the path in the light so hard? Why do people talk, why do people lie, why do people hurt? When the world around you falls to pieces, why can’t we ever put it back together? When we know what is right, when we know where to go, but feels like where stuck in the mud, or quicksand sinking the more we struggle. A heart in pieces, a dream crushed, but when our world falls, we turn to the heavens and shake our fists. What is God? What is faith? What is our life? God stays the same yesterday and tomorrow. God granted free will and because of that in the fallen world, people make selfish choices that often hurt others. We loose sight of our path that isn’t our path at all, but Gods path. God will lift us up and guide us if we only let go of our own selfish desires and follow Christ. Each day we live should be to glorify the Lord. God isn’t a Divine fairy that gives us our desires or our wishes. God gives us what we need when we need it. God is a father, not our best friend. God will punish us when we are bad, God will push us back to the right path in life. God is the reason we can breath every day. God is the reason that miracles happen. God is the God of all our days. Let go of the fear, let go of the doubt, let go of the pain and shame, follow God. When the world is harsh and cruel, lift up your head to the sky, raise your hands and give the worry and doubt to God. Let not the lies of Satan into your soul. Let not the doubts that the deceiver whispers into your ear take hold. Stand firm and fight back. For every Christian has a target on their chest and Satan wants your soul. Fight the fight, and lift your hands and heart higher.

Can you hear with that hood?

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Can you hear with that hood?

Life can be loud at times, and when the storms raging on it’s sometimes hard to hear the voice of God speaking to us. As I roam around the house especially in the fall and winter, I’m usually wearing a hoodie. Not much different then wearing the green hood, I like the way it feels, and I like wearing the hood. Not much different then my love of capes and cloaks, but it would look weird wearing a cape and a hood at the same time. Except for Damian Wayne, Bruce Wayne’s son. The point is, when I wear the cape, I loose just a slight amount of hearing capability. It’s so important to keep your ear to the ground and focus on the signs given to us by God. Abba (Father) gives us signs every day. He will talk to us it’s just a matter if we’re listening, if we’re paying attention.

When we’re living life it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the world. Psalms 25:4-5 “Shew me thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths. Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou [art] the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.” We must remain faithful even when we cannot see tomorrow. Quiet the noise and listen to the voice meant to guide you.

Praise you in this storm By; Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
That it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I’m with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away

And I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

IMG_3762

Every day you should find a quiet place where you can reflect and listen to the voice inside you. Pray to God and ask for your troubles to go however fit to the Lord. Praise your Father on high and trust in the storm you will make it through. Take off the hood, step away from the noise, the struggles of the world for just a moment, and listen. Learn to quiet your mind and find the faith to carry on.

 

True Lies

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True Lies

A lot of people have been telling me they know what I’m going through. People have been telling me they understand, and they are there for me. Here are the facts, I haven’t recovered, and I haven’t had as many people in my life that have made a difference that I’ve needed. Yes there’ve been a couple, but this is too big for just a small few who can’t be around as much as I’ve needed. I haven’t really been in a good place for some time now. The heart wants what the heart wants, and when it’s fractured it takes time, energy, and patience to heal. The experts say it takes time and it takes distraction, and a rediscovery of one’s self. While I can’t deny I’ve had some amazing things happen like my debt being paid off, I have a roof over my head, and I have a pair of great dogs.

When I get close to someone it seems like they always pull away from me. I’ve struggled wondering why everyone’s always run from me. People say they are always going to be there, till they aren’t. You’d think the more people have up and left, I’d be afraid to get attached. The fact is, it take a lot for me to get attached to someone, but when I do it’s stronger then perhaps even I’d care to admit.

The sun rises and falls and while others around me live their lives, it feels as if mine is standing still. The heart seems to be filled with broken glass, and every time I breathe I start to bleed. It seems like I haven’t made any progress. I wonder why I’ve been given the loosing hand and no matter how I try to change the dealer, I just can’t catch a break.

We may love, but what if we have to keep that love buried? What do we have left when that fleeting moments of loving someone is what we have? We know that we have the love of God, and we know that, that’s supposed to be enough. We know that it’s our flesh desires that get in the way of what’s truly important. While it’s hard to push the loneliness away the hardest part is being in limbo. Do you love the girl? Does she love you? What’s going on with the job? Standing still, the tomorrow so full of questions, so full of doubt. The truest of lies is the lie you tell everyone else, but the lie you tell yourself. The truth is you’re not okay. While many will try to tell you they understand, unless they’ve endured even a fraction of what you have, been in similar situations, that act of comfort seems hollow.

All we are left with is the feeling of helplessness, the occasional sensations of hopelessness, all we can do is muscle through them, and pray for the best. We have to have hope that God knows best. While the nights seem long the truth will set you free. Even the most devout Christians can suffer from depression, anxiety, and moments of hopelessness. It’s not about feeling low; it’s how you handle day to day. Everyone will have days they are down, or sometimes months, and even a bad year. Make sure that even when you’re having your bad days, you stay focused on Christ. It’s okay to have your bad days, just make sure that you keep fighting to move beyond the storm and find your peace.

300

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300

It seems almost ironic that at 300 posts I’m nearly ready to go move on with my life. I’ve spent the last 388 days trying to learn to rebuild. In that time I’ve had some great success and have made wonderful progress. I’ve also suffered major setbacks and further pain. The blog was meant to be a way for me to reach others. It was meant for me to talk to others about the pain I hold inside and despite my best efforts I still have. While in some way and by some measures the blog has been highly successful, I don’t feel it’s reached the height of it’s potential as I wished it had. At my 200th blog entry, July 4th I had “1286 Visitors, 3628 Views, I’ve had 359 likes and 235 Comments. I have reached an astounding 51 countries.” Now 100 posts later I look back over the last 100 days. In 100 days instead of moving to Colorado I suffered a major back injury and instead of migrating west I underwent the knife, received a titanium plate, didn’t drive for a month and a half, and haven’t shot my bow in a hundred days. I’ve not dated anyone, and the only “date” I went on was my wife whom I’ve been separated since last September. Sounds pathetic when I say it out loud, but the chance to go play mini golf, dinner, and hang out was far to much to pass up. While I haven’t done anything spectacular except write, and I’ve kept my mother company, but overall, my contribution to life has been sadly disappointing.

What can I say about the 300 mark that doesn’t sound self-serving? I’ve been struggling to find the inspiration to write every day. It’s not been an easy 100 drays and in that time I’ve written to stay afloat, but the ideas, the titles, the scripture just hasn’t come to me as it once had. The month of September my views dropped by nearly 50%. While I have been told not to judge my own success based on others responses I’ve watched as people celebrate 100 followers in just a couple months. To date I’m at 75, and I’ve been here for months. I would guess the best way to look at this is I’ve continued to reach multiple countries. I’ve continued to reach new people, and while my following has slowed a great deal I continue my work, my mission. 229 days ago I started this mission and I’ve grown. My studies, my growth and my understanding of scripture have grown a great deal.

While I continue looking forward to whatever God has planned for my future, I pray for many things. This journey has been a lonely one, and while I fully understand there was a reason for God to keep me alone all this time I can’t help but hope that time is over. This journey of discovery has been the most difficult year of my life. As I’ve struggled with my own mortality, my own grief, my own demons, I have walked this journey not alone but hand in hand with Christ. While I’ve faced the darkness I can only ask for continued grace even though I’ve done nothing to deserve it. We fail every day and even as I’ve failed, as I’ve fallen, the good Lord has picked me up, brushed off my scrapped knees, and has held my hand when the seas got rough.

While I will always love those from my past, and I pray I will love again in my future, the days that come are slow and long. A look back over the last 100 days and I now sit at 2814 Visitors, 500 Likes, 6114 Views, and 86 Countries.

The voice that calls to me, speaking my name, I turned away for so long, but now I succumb to the voice and let go of who I once was. The days that came and went were only lessons to be learned. I glance behind only to see how long I’ve come. The days of past may haunt us in dreams, but can no longer harm us. The days of yesterday hold grip but tomorrow is where the focus should be. While I am uncertain of my path, uncertain of what may come my way, I am certain of only one thing, God is forever standing by my side. Where there’s trouble you must just call for the Lord and you will not be alone. Our safety is never certain, our prayers are not always answered, but we can rest assure there’s always a reason. While I have prayed every day for someone to truly accept me as theirs, while I have prayed that the fight with the VA would finally be over, while I have prayed that enough would be enough and I’d finally be able to live in a semi state of peace, that has not come to pass. As the road is long and hard I find myself weak and weary. I pray for help, I pray for guidance, and as I am continuously filled with conviction, with God’s love, I have the strength to get by one day at a time. As I rely on God’s grace and mercy I realize the enemy is the Devil, and the doubt is the whispers told in the dark. Like the Spartan’s I would gladly kick Satan down into the abyss, yelling “This Is Sparta!” Or like the President on Air Force One “Get off my plane!” You get the idea. Don’t let Satan lie to you and keep you from reaching your full potential.

While I cannot deny the blessings that are coming my way, it’s a bitter sweet. 300 posts, and as I wait to see how long I can keep up this pace, I know that eventually all good things must come to and end. Where I go form here I don’t know, but what I do know is I will continue to do God’s work, and try to make this world a better place. While I can’t say this blog will have won me any kind of notoriety, I do hope I’ve at least been influential in at least a life. I can only hope and pray that’s the case. The day shall rise and fall, and like the shadows on the wall, the season changes. Hope and prayer are sometimes the two greatest assets we may ever hold onto. Don’t loose hope even when things seem to be at their most bleak. When we look down even for just a moment, we take our eyes off of what’s in front of us, our focus dwindles for a moment, and next thing you know you look up and you’re about to collide with an iceberg. Don’t loose focus because it could be your doom if you do.

While I have noted a sharp drop in my following, and some days the posts I make don’t get a single hit anymore. These days all I can do is try to get the blogs out there. I can only hope to spread the word and hope that others will do so if they feel the desire to. Getting the word out, spreading the website, reposting the blog, sharing with friends and colleagues. My hope is to continue to expand, and I hope to reach more people every day.