Tag: beauty

The Fear He Can Smell

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The Fear He Can Smell

The lion that stalks you in the darkest hours of the night. The storm that springs up from nowhere and tosses you around the sea. But how do you feel when life explodes all around you? The scent that emanates from the deepest parts of your heart when despair is all you know. The snake that slithers around, waiting and watching patiently for that scent to be strong. The Devil, much like the ParaDeomons from Justice League can smell fear. “Fear, they can smell it!” (Justice League) If we are to fight this spiritual war, we must first acknowledge something important, we must face our deepest fears. “You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.” (Morpheus, Matrix) We cannot allow our fears, or our doubts to cloud the truth of Jesus Christ. So many people want concrete proof with their own eyes to believe in a higher power. We can’t give in to our own fears and doubts. We must find our courage to stand tall, and continue to carry on.

“The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death. To accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one’s crew. This is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain.” (Spock, Star Trek, 09) We will experience fear in our life. There are things we won’t be prepared to face, but the catch is we can turn to God for strength. God will never leave us to make it through on our own. Every day in our life is a test of some kind, and if we are to be the best Christians we can be, we have to learn how to face our fears, and to control them, not let them control us.

I can remember a few times when I was in Iraq I was scared. I remember the fear that would sweep over my body, and the question if I’d make it out alive or not would always creep into my mind. While my training allowed me to stay focused on the task at hand, I always reminded myself that if it was my time, God would take me home, and there wasn’t anything I could do about that. I became comfortable in the knowledge I may not make it home. When you get to the point where you’re comfortable with the idea of death, far less things will make you afraid. In my life today I find I am more fearless when it comes to myself, but when it comes to others fear still makes an appearance. I find now my biggest fears are that of abandonment, a fear of walking this journey alone without a companion. I think for me, this has been my weakness that the Devil has picked up on, and now uses as often as he can. My fear of being alone seems to be something I just haven’t been able to shake. As I watch friends get married, engaged, or have children, I now find myself longing for those things. My life hit a snag and the reset button was hit. Now I am starting over again, and the fear of tomorrows fate scares me. I know through my life as I’ve watched one love after another move on without me, now I’m left fearful of my fate. I do not desire to be alone, and my fear is that I have somehow deserved this fate. I know that my fear is strong in this area of my life. That fear trickles to other parts in my life. The lies whispered to me from the Devil playing on my insecurities my own self worth. I have always questioned my looks, my personality, and wondered why I’ve been alone so often. I have wondered why so many have left me, and while I realize I’m not perfect, I’m not in control of others and their own moral compass. My fears have plagued me for many years, and if I’m ever going to be happy with myself, and if I’m going to find that happiness while on my own, I must acknowledge my fears, and then learn to face them.

We all have fears, but the catch of living this life following Christ is not allowing that fear to dictate our actions. We must walk by faith, not sight. We must trust in the one who gives us our strength, our courage, and trust in the Lord and lean not unto our own understanding. We must believe that the turbulent waters are just temporary, and just around the river bend the calm straight is waiting for us. Do not fall for the lies the Devil will feed us. Fear is a liar, one designed to rob you from your happiness. I’m not talking about the fear that keeps you alive in the face of danger; I’m talking about the fear of moving forward. Trust in the Lord and believe that your salvation is the most important thing, and the rest, if part of the plan, and faithfulness will fall into place. We often want what we want, and if we live in the past, we are telling God you don’t trust him. You’re telling God you’re going to do it your way, and his timing isn’t good for you. Stop letting fear rule your emotions and your actions. Face your fears and come out on top. You are in control, not fear. God is with you always, and for that, there is nothing to fear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Invincible

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I’m Invincible

Romans 8:31 “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

 Who am I, when someone asked me in the past I didn’t have an answer, but now I do. I’m a champion, I’m a soldier for the Lord. I’m invincible before the Lord. The Devil attacks and knocks me down, but I get back up. I have the power of the Holy Spirit in my corner and I can take whatever the Devil sends. The power of the Lord and King are on my side and with it, I’m unstoppable. The Devil will hit me but he can’t hurt me, because from this day forward I’m a fighter and I will stand my ground. My whole life I’ve been training for this moment, and in this time I will no longer take the punches, it’s about time I start to fight back. My whole life I have taken the punches and felt the pain and curled up and cried in my corner. From this time forward I will no longer feel the shame and I will wipe my eyes, and stand tall. I will be a champion for the Lord, and I will light the fires and send out the call.

We are soldiers for Christ and we are the front lines of the war against our very souls. What’s at stake is eternity. We must stand tall and fight for what we believe in, and the truth is something worth fighting for. We must buckle up as this world gets darker every day, and be ready for the fight to come. Will you feel the flame from the Holy Spirit and sit back with it, or will you stand tall and scream it from the highest mountaintops? Will you be a man of the cross and share the gospel with others or will you hide away from the world a coward? Stand tall and take the punches like a man, and be the champion.

Champion by: Carrie Underwood (feat. Ludacris)

The C is for the courage I possess through the drama
H is for the hurt but it’s all for the honor
A is for my attitude working through the patience
Money comes and goes so the M is for motivation
Gotta stay consistent, the P is to persevere
The I is for integrity, innovative career
The O is optimistic, open and never shut
And the N is necessary ’cause I’m never giving up

We are made in the fires of the Holy Spirit, forged to be strong, to withstand anything the Devil throws at us, so be the faithful soldiers of Christ and prepare your minds, your bodies, and your souls for the battles. To be a champion of Christ we must take scripture to heart, we must learn it, lean on it, allow it to fill our hearts, and when we are attacked, scripture is the only weapon we will need. Philippians 2:10-11 “10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” What more is needed in this life to live in peace? We must learn to be the ambassadors of the Lord. We must learn when to use diplomacy, and learn when to strike the Devil head on with the sword of truth. In this life we can be strong or we can be weak. We can be winners, or we can be losers. If you are to live in Christ you shouldn’t be focused on everything that goes wrong, but figure out what the attack is, and mount a counter attack. Every challenge is an opportunity to grow and learn, and teach, and preach the Gospel. The world will turn on you, and friends will abandon you, but in all things God is always with you. No matter the trials that comes this life is always going to be temporary, God is eternal. What side do you want to fight for, the winners or the ones that will forever live in torment? We faithful have already won the war, we just need to keep strong and spread the word from the front lines. This war to win the hearts and minds must continue with us. You will take every punch, every kick, every evil trick the Devil has, but you were made to win, you were made to stand tall, and you were made in the Glory of the Holy Spirit. God has created you and God doesn’t make mistakes. God has more faith in you then you’ll ever have of yourself, so stop doubting and get up and be a Champion. You can’t be beat so long as God’s on your side. Be invincible, be unshakable, be an immovable object, and laugh as the Devil tries and tries to break you, and with each stone thrown it just bounces right off you.

Do not be conformed to the lies this world will spread. Do not fall for the tricks of the Devil because for every soul brought to Christ their name echoes in the halls of Heaven. They are celebrated, as they will one day go home. The perseverance we will show will one day pay off as we walk into Heaven and we lay our gifts at the feet of our King and Savior. We were made for this, and we were born to win, so hold your head high, today and forever as a natural born winner. Fight for what you believe in, and know that to believe in Christ is to be the greatest winner on Earth. A Champion, a Soldier for Christ. With God in my corner I can’t loose, I can’t fail, and I will hold my hands high and I will forever be in the winner’s circle.

 

 

Light or Dark

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Light or Dark

The darkest night covers me and I need you

The sun fuels my heart and gives me warmth and strength. I need you then too.

Because of you I’m alive.

No matter where I am, or the season I’m in, my Lord I need you.

Who am I without you, I am no one.

The Lord of all knows my name.

 

The Lord who created in love not because of what I do, just because I am. I am a sinful man, but love saved me. Never because of what I’ve done, just because of what you are. No matter my of praise, or my day of prayer your grace comforts me. Today the flowers bloom, and tomorrow the ice shall come, but in all my day, and in all my ways I am yours. Because you are with me I shall not fear the night. The night was so dark without you, but your glory so bright the single ray of light when the sun peaks the horizon, the darkness breaks. Jesus Christ the pure light that would forever push the darkness away rose.

What do I have to offer the king of the universe, my heart, my everything, and yet I will never be worthy of the gift bestowed upon me. I can surrender all and even up to my life it would never cover the debt. But it is grace, and love my bill was covered by Christ. I was so loved before I was born that for me my sins and the sins of billions of others, a blood debt freely given, ransomed for my freedom of death. If my debt was paid when I’m knocked down, who then do I fight for? Christ got back up and his strength became my strength. I will get back up and continue to fight till my dying breath. I owe it to Christ to never give up and never surrender to the darkness.

God’s word has withstood the test of time, and even now as we can see the darkness covering the land, we will watch, as God’s will, will be done. Those who criticize the word and those who push to remove God’s presence from the public will one day stand in judgment. The light of the word may be pushed away but in time the raging tide will again be tamed by the Lord. God’s word will stand firm, and the darkness will be pushed back, snuffed out by the light. No matter how far we fall it’s never to late to change our course. We cannot stop praying, or hoping for God to save us. We cannot stop worshiping the Lord no matter if things are great, or if everything has been blown to a million pieces. Yesterday is gone and we don’t live there anymore. We must learn to say goodbye to the past, and live in today. The heart may have been broken yesterday, but every day we breath is a new day of growing, a new day of healing. We must tell ourselves every day that Jesus is still with us, and in his love we are healed. You cannot expect to have an answer for every tragedy that happens, and in our walk we must learn to focus on Jesus. This world is not the end, and one day the end will come on this life and the walls that kept us confined will be no more. This is not where we belong forever, and we can count on the promise made by Jesus to one day sit before the King and be accepted into the light. This life is but a fleeting speck of dust in the wind, and if we want to go home, know that this world will one day wash away.

Praise the Lord for success, and praise the Lord in failure. In every chance we get, both good and bad, fix your eyes on the one and only thing that will satisfy your heart and that’s Jesus. Life can be hard, and we are told to expect the trials that come, and the persecutions that come with following Christ, but “If you can take it, you can make it.” (Unbroken) I am a broken man, and I fail every day to live up to what God expects of me. I know I fail, and I know I fall, but I know that because of grace, and I know what true love means, I still stand here knowing God is with me. I know I have the power of the Holy Spirit with me and I’m called to be more. I’m called to push myself, and to stand toe to toe with the darkness. Every day I stand and pray to protect me from the attacks. Every day I praise my God for the blessings I have. I know I am protected and I know that for Jesus saves my soul every day. I know that every day I wake hope is here. Every day I see the hope all around me, and I know that it’ll be all right. I’ve experienced the darkness, and I’ve seen the light. I’ve felt the cold, but the warmth always triumphs. In every tear that falls God holds them. In every heart that breaks God feels our pain, and yet healing begins with Christ.

Light or dark, we decide where to stand. We can choose to stay in the darkness avoiding the light if we wish, but when it gets cold, or the demons come to creep, know the light will always accept you. You can choose to live in fear of the unknown, or you can choose to trust in Jesus and know that there is a brighter future waiting for you. You can choose to walk in the darkness, but no matter where you choose to walk, Jesus Christ is always there with you. If you choose to walk in the darkness, you have to expect to stub your toe on the furniture. Who then will you blame, God for not removing the obstacle, or yourself for not turning on the light? We as people will always learn more from hardships then a life of ease and calm rivers. If you are to be truly tested we must first be pushed to the limits to know what we are truly capable of. It’s in these times we need to turn to Christ more then ever, because we do not truly grow otherwise. We often pray for things we think are good for us, but we only see two feet ahead, but God sees a mile. We are but children clamoring around the house trying to place our finger in a light socket. God tries to warn us what not to do, but we are a stubborn people, and if we truly wish for a smoother ride we must learn to trust in the Lord and stop being so resistant to what we are told. God’s grace and love is unyielding, but our acceptance of it into our hearts is purely voluntary. Jesus loves you more then you know, and we should praise the Lord in all things, each and every day. Because our savior lives we must pray. We overcome by the power of His blood, and we are alive because he lives. Prayer is the absolute least we can do, and for the gift of life, shouldn’t we do at least that? We would be dead without Christ. Sin and shame would be all we are without the blood, and we’re alive because He lives. The light that would forever be the voice over the shadow, my life was and is held in His hands. So I pray to you Lord, thank you for my life, thank you for my pain, thank you for your love, and thank you for your gracious sacrifice for me. In your Holy Name, Amen.

Peace

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Peace

When I was in the middle of the worst storm of my life I was seen through by Jesus. When I felt like I was being tossed around at night unable to see I was being guided through safe and sound.

I have been in the storm more then once, each time was more dangerous then the next and even when all odds were against me to survive, Jesus was right there with me unwilling to let me die just yet. People often ask me how I can believe in such an old antiquated idea. I recently heard the bible called a ‘nice story’. For me the Bible isn’t just some story, it has historical fact behind it, and more then that the length of time in just the old testament alone would be long enough time that unless inspired by a higher power it’s unlikely those events occur as they did. The prophesy laid down throughout the old testament, and then the coming of the Star of David as fulfilling prophesy wouldn’t have been likely. Astronomy wasn’t exactly a big science back then. Jesus foretold events to come, but even if you claim those parts were made up, who dies protecting a lie? Eleven men, who walked with Jesus for three years would be hunted by the Romans, and other nation’s leaders as they would preach and proclaim the word of Jesus Christ. Each of their eye witness accounts were written and matched one another based on their own backgrounds and points of view. Each man would fall one by one pressured to recant their story, admit they stole the body of Jesus Christ, and out their co-conspirators, yet not one denounced the truth. Who dies horrible, painful, tortured deaths, for a lie?

While it has been 2000 years give or take since the death of Christ, the works of the miraculous haven’t stopped. Most miracles happen and only a small select few know about it, or even say anything, but once in a while the story gets out and raises the question of these events throughout history. One story, a little girl diagnosed with a non-curable disease within her digestive tract, one day this disease will kill her. She’s playing with her sisters on an old tree on their property. She falls into the tree 20 feet and after hours of rescue they are finally able to get her out. Miraculously she walks away with a small bump on the head, not even a concussion. Within days it appears her disease is gone, and her health returned to normal. She had been fighting the disease for over a year. She recounts her experience talking to God and asked if she wanted to go home with her parents. She returned healthy, uninjured.

If this one miracle weren’t enough to sway me, I’d have to look back over my own life. I have several stories from my own past that should have taken my life, but surprisingly I’m still here. 1990, I was on an indoor slide and while at the top I was pushed over the side falling and landing on my neck. The fall probably should have killed me, but I walked away just a little sore. If that weren’t enough to sway me, I would see another miracle on September 12th, 2004. My convoy would be ambushed and my truck and another truck were separated from the group and made to run the gauntlet. 12 RPG’s, countless IED’s, and a hundred or so insurgent soldiers all shooting small arms at two trucks alone on a path designed to trap them. With chance after chance though damage was done, and eventually catastrophic damage, but not before miraculously making back to safety before the truck died when my foot came off the gas. It wouldn’t start again for nearly 6 weeks. Through the whole ordeal I was calm, and while every one else was yelling, I felt safe, at ease, and it came over me like a wave. This wasn’t from any amount of training, this was pure warmth and divine. If that weren’t enough, December 22nd 2004 a 155 round should have exploded just feet from my truck and miraculously didn’t. Had it detonated it’s likely someone if not everyone in the truck would have died. If that weren’t enough I should have died when a bullet went through my shoulder years later. Almost bleeding out, I wasn’t expected to reach the hospital alive. By the grace of God, and a divine encounter I survived waking up in the ambulance to everyone’s surprise. I had lost so much blood I was gray, and with purple lips I shouldn’t have survived the trauma and blood loss. Yet, when I was unconscious I distinctly remember saying, “God I’m Sorry.” And in response a loud, thunderous, booming voice replied, “You’re forgiven.” It was like I was hit in the chest, a jolt of lightning went through me and I awoke in the ambulance. The thing is, they never used the paddles on me. I never flat lined even though I was close. My vitals though low, improved once I regained consciousness. I begged them to let me go, I wanted to go back, but that wasn’t the plan. I didn’t die that day, and since then I have begun this blog, and I have begun to minister to countless others as I now openly discuss my faith. I have had a hand in saving the life of a man thrown from his vehicle in a roll over accident, and I know I have helped others through some very tough times. None of this would have been possible if God wouldn’t have spared my life that late afternoon.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” For years I would try to find my purpose, and I would feel lost, forsaken by the God that supposedly loved me. For years I would grow in anger and frustration as one bad thing after another happened to me. I would suffer my final loss with my ex wife’s affair finally tipping the scale and pushing me beyond the max of what I could take in my life, or so I thought. I blamed God for the wrongs from people. I had always claimed to have free will, but when it came to others doing wrong against me I wanted to blame God. I constantly felt like my troubles were the result of God being angry and spiteful towards me. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The truth was fear, but not my own fear, fear of the Devil. The Devil attacks those the most with whom he is most afraid. Imagine for a moment the fear he had of Jesus Christ. If Christ could be turned, tempted by the powers of the dark side of the force he would be a failure to God, and would rule as King of the world, but nothing more. Jesus would not be tempted time and time again by Satan, despite his best efforts. Satan knew his time to rule over a fallen world was coming to an end. Lucifer would fail to turn Christ and when Jesus defeated death and rose in fulfillment of the scripture, the only thing Satan would have left was the prevent the human souls from being saved by Christ’s sacrifice. The Devil prowls around now tempting and swaying mankind into hate and despair. The Devil’s desperate final play before the end to stick it to God one last time is preventing as many souls from Heaven as he can.

We live in this world and allow this world to tear us down, to break us in some instances, and yet, we forget the most important part of the story, Jesus already paid our price. All we have to do as easy as it is to say, is make it to the end of this roller coaster we’re on. Life isn’t going to be easy, but if salvation were easy everyone would do it. If giving up ones sinful nature, ones desire to remain in control over ones own life, then everyone could do it, and salvation would loose something. Salvation is a choice, and a choice we have to freely make. I am not a perfect man by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that Jesus loved me so much he gave his life for me. I know God has plans for me and even if I don’t know what they are, I have to have faith. Proverbs 19:21 “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” I have tried for many years to do things my way, to walk my own path, and every time I have tried, I’ve failed. I have run for many years from ministry because I always thought God was wrong. I was filled with so much pain and anger, how could I possibly help anyone else? The thing was, God doesn’t want perfection, he uses broken people all the time. Broken people are more real in their stories from what they were, to the healing power of the Holy Spirit. The true power of the grace of God is the redemption of the fallen, the rebuilding of the broken, and the finding of the souls that were once believed to be lost for all time. Through the grace of God anything is possible. The true blessings we have all because of God cannot be understated. While many will argue the nature of divinity, in my experience, seeing is believing.

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” God knew exactly what he was doing when I was created. He knew my hardships, and he knew the man I would eventually become. It’s his grace that saved me, and his love that would deliver me from the brinks of death. A rare second chance and unlike many who fall back into old ways, I rose above, and though I’m just as boneheaded as I was back then, I strive to better myself. I try to grow in my faith every day and to be a light in such a dark world. If we are ambassadors for Jesus Christ I want to try to put my best foot forward. So long I’ve tried to stand out in the crowd. I’ve tried to make my name be remembered for doing something great. My own goals were not what God had in mind for me. Greatness doesn’t come how many people know you; it comes from the memories you leave behind to those who remember you. I will try to be the best man God wants me to be, and let history decide the rest. We must have faith in the plan, and let go of our own plans. When we allow the father to guide us it takes much of the pressure off on where to go, or what we have to do. We must fall on our faith that God will handle the details, and we just go where he leads us. Faith isn’t easy, but those who walk by faith, while life is no easier, often learn to take life more in stride then others.

We walk in this dark world, and if we are to find peace we must first find hope. How can someone continue to fight if they feel no hope? Where do we find our hope when the world falls down upon our heads? When the Apostils watched in horror as their Lord was nailed to a cross after being brutally beaten, they were crushed in spirit. They were utterly without hope, but after 3 days the blood debt was paid, the victory lap had been made, and Christ would rise and make himself seen fulfilling the prophesy and destroying deaths hold over the sinner for all eternity. What hope is there do you ask? While the living God is still on the throne there is always hope. Those who dwell in the dominion of Hell have been pushed back as the blood spilt bridged the gap from sin to God. Where we have hope in Christ we have light, and while there is light we will always have peace. The love of God that lights up the darkness is all we’ll ever need. A heavy price was paid, and we have the only thing that will ever matter, the love of the father.

Throat punched

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Throat punched
So as I sit here with my neck in a brace, when I talk not only do I sound it, I feel like I’ve been throat punched. Yes that’s what happens when you have surgery. But let me tell you. I couldn’t be more lucky. Gods grace and perfect timing all the time. 
There were complications in surgery. My disc ruptured and fluid went into my spinal column. They cleaned it up but I needed to be closely watched. There may have been some hematoma around my incision. 
Thankfully the rupture was found and didn’t do permanent damage. In all the CT’s, the risky MRI (because of shrapnel in my lung) not one of these scans showed the disk had ruptured. As I’m not a doctor I cannot obviously speak clearly of the dangers of that fluid where it doesn’t belong. But I do know it’s BAD! 
Because Gods perfect in His timing and love everything went well even with the complications. Even the new raspier voice I have just plays into effect when I wear the mask. All things considered I’m pretty darn happy. 
Yesterday I couldn’t squeeze my ball and now I can squeeze it with all my might and it’s beautiful. I can walk with my head held high and arms swinging. Gods touched my body through the hands of my surgeons and have given me my life back. I may have some troubles the rest of my life but for now, it seems all of that is within acceptable limits. 
Believe in the power of prayer and love. From the prayer shawl I received from my church, the love of my Associate Pastor, my mom, and everyone near and far that prayed for me before during and after my surgery. All this prayer I have felt the reward. I know I live on to fight the Devil for another day. 
For you all wary souls like my one was, take heart knowing the Lord of all the wonders of this world is with you, right there suffering your sufferings. Believe and know the faithful, the just, the kind, will be rewarded. We may not always say or do the right things to one another but we must know it and apologize for it. Own up to our mistakes and ask for the forgiveness we should. 
Stay connected to God and be blessed by his touch. God bless all of you! 

The Improvised

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The improvised 
Sitting here in the ER alone as I’ve sent mom home to rest, gather supplies, and get ready for the long day, I find myself pondering what I guess most people ponder when looking at a life altering surgery. Who are my loved ones, who cares who doesn’t? Is my Will complete and dang did I leave the stove on? I am reminded of so many one liners but I’ll spare all of you the boring repartee and just know that I haven’t forgotten about my avid readers. I may be out for the day, but as long as I have a phone I’ll still work my guru magic and post something. 
While I was here I was able to doodle a little something and while it’s not finished because as you’ll all see I’m no artist, I haven’t lost sight of my goal. I will continue to work on my ministries and with Gods grace continue to touch lives. So as I get ready for what looks so far to be surgery, back surgery it is. While the surgeons are deliberating and I’m going on almost 24 hours awake, I’m reminded of some bible verses. 
1 Peter 1:6-7 “6 Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: 7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:”
Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose.”
We may have setback and we may have plans that go off the rails but even in the darkest of days the brightest of flowers may still bloom. 

Through the Wilderness

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Through the Wilderness

We trek and we wander, but do we ever know what we are looking for, what we are hoping for? The life of a broken man the pains the suffering are only a part of the trials. A man of dignity will slow down and in times of trouble ask God for direction. A man will be calm in the storm, cool in the fire, strong when others are weak. A true man will be a leader when times call for it. The never-ending supply of love and guidance from God will always get the faithful through the toughest of situations.

In a lot of early tribes a boy was placed in the wilderness and tested to survive. This test of bravery, intuition, resourcefulness, and a will to survive is what they determined a man. Today, we no longer have these rights of passage. A boy turns 18 and poof, he’s a man. No test of bravery, of skills, just an age. Sadly today, we call a man, a man, but often, they don’t act like a man, but a boy instead.

Today a male will lay with a female and when she gets pregnant the boy will leaver her high and dry. Being able to make a child does not make you a man, taking care of your responsibilities, being a father to your child, that’s what makes you a man.

Sometimes bad things happen, and sometimes people make bad choices. Even when there is a difference of opinion, or a falling out, how you move forward how you behave in the day-to-day decisions will tell the world the type of people you are. I asked a friend yesterday in fact, “In our life, how often does someone view us as the villain in our story?” I find that to be an interesting conundrum. A matter of opinion, perspective can change how someone is viewed. I am of firm belief that when the majority sides with you you’re probably doing it right. What do we do when we are tested, when we are baited to stoop to someone’s level, how will we manage the temptation. It’s easy to let selfishness, greed, wants and self gratification take over and drive you from decision to decision.

I never imagined seeing the downward spiral so closely in my life. The evil deeds of someone can easily come about anytime. It’s a hard balance to know the monster from within can surface at any time. It’s so important to maintain a sense of dignity and Christian moral values in times of stress and distress. Proverbs 6:12-16 “A worthless person, a wicked man, goes about with crooked speech, winks with his eyes, signals with his feet, points with his finger, with perverted heart devises evil, continually sowing discord; therefore calamity will come upon him suddenly; in a moment he will be broken beyond healing. There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him:” God does not approve of evil or wicked actions. Ecclesiastes 12:14 “For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.”

 Some day you and all will have to answer for your sins. Each and every thought, every action, will be accounted for at the Day of Judgment. When you are standing before God and you realize you’ve done wrong that is too late. You must repent prior to death. Acts 3:19 “Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out,” No one is free from knowing their sins and doing the sinful nature anyway. “17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” Time on earth is finite. We never know how long we have, but if we wait till our dying breath, saying you’re sorry isn’t the same as repenting. Repenting is actually changing behavior. One of my best friends and my Pastor put it this way, “Anyone can say they are sorry and mean it to a degree. Repentance is an action in which you take steps specifically to right the wrong that was committed to the best of your ability. I can say I’m sorry I broke your Arrow Funko Pop. Repentance is replacing it with a new one plus Slade, and specifically not breaking something else of yours again.” (Rev. Glen Newsome, Jr.) How many times have you or someone you know apologized and went right on doing the same behavior they just said they were sorry for? In time that ‘sorry’ no longer means as much as it once had.

Sadly, as we find our way through the wilderness of life we must learn to grow into manhood, womanhood, but also grow in our faith and live our lives as good faithful Christians. No matter the hurt someone places on you, forgiveness is not optional. It doesn’t matter if there is an apology or repentance. Forgiveness is something we are told we must do and do with all our hearts. Never forget that.

To Find Where I Belong!

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To find where I belong!

Wandering aimlessly through the voidless desert of the hustle and bustle but to you it’s full of emptiness. Where do I belong, something’s wrong with the world, or is something wrong with me? God doesn’t make mistakes so this has to be right. Me being here is by a greater design that I don’t have clearance to see the whole plan. Fear engulfed emotions run wild. Dreaming of a place where I would find a warm welcome, a place to call home. Where can I plant my flag and finally find peace and rest in life. The constant barrage of cannon fire from the Deceiver has left me cowering for cover for too long.

A day will come when I’ll be on my way. I’ll be strong and this suffering will be a faded memory, and a scar to remind me of what I’m capable of. With God I can overcome anything. The first step is looking deep inside yourself. Start any new journey with the self-check. Be the man, the woman Jesus wants you to be.

Sometimes where you are or where you thought you were supposed to be was only temporary. The way the world can change in less then a heartbeat is powerful and scary at the same time. What does it mean to have faith? To trust in something beyond our control. To trust in the plan even when we can’t see it. To step out of your comfort zone and onto the stormy waters no mater the lies being whispered to you. The voice of God, Jesus will never leave you alone in the dark. For the Glory, the journey begins.

The walking sticks to help your trek made easier, the pack you carry to prepare for life’s challenges is no different the filling that canteen with the Holy Spirit. We may not be where we belong but that doesn’t mean we aren’t headed there. As long as you keep fighting and never give up, the lessons learned along the way will be forever useful. On the dangerous journey of life pass on the struggles, pass on the hardships, be a leader and a roll model for others struggling on their road. Be a guiding light, let people see Christ in you. There may be pain but there is grace also. The darkest sky can be darker. The waters could be higher. The tests could be harder. When we quiet ourselves and take a moment to educate ourselves on what’s going on in our world we can see worse everyday. We can always look out our cloudy window and see the more disenfranchised, the homeless, the countries with less then the least have here. Those who suffer from illness and poverty and those who have tragedy and more importantly those who parish not knowing the Lord.

This may not be where I belong but I know that God is in control. I know that God is on my side. I may not belong but my battle isn’t over. I will find my way if I am calm and listen. I will not be alone and I will find a love that will love God and me. I have faith in the Lord that I will not be forsaken. I will not be forgotten in the billions on this planet.

There is none like you oh Lord. You’ve created all, you’ve saved us all. We are so imperfect and yet so loved. We turn our backs, we don’t believe, we curse you, and still we have your grace. You oh God believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. You see my importance, my worth even when others don’t. My God to you goes all the glory. I stumbled along the way but you kissed my boo boos and made it okay. You brushed me off and helped me up. Even without an earthly Father I had you, the greatest of all the Fathers anyone can hope for.

I am weak, I am a sinner and even when punished for my sins for my wrong doing I am forgiven and Loved endlessly. God’s on the move in every way, in every life even if they don’t see it. Be not afraid of what we don’t know because Gods not dead and we will live. The perfect lamb sacrificed for all of us so we may live without fear, and live to the glory of the one true King. We are free and we have a choice how to use that freedom. I have been wounded, hated, beaten and betrayed but I know the love that matters.

No I may not be home, I may be moving forward to a future unseen, a blind destiny, but I will take the leap of faith and I know God will catch me.

Hallelujah my God saves me

Hallelujah my God looks after me

Hallelujah my God never forsakes me

Hallelujah my God loves me

Hallelujah my God protects me

Hallelujah my God forgives me

Hallelujah my God died for me so I may live!

There’s no need for that

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There’s no need for that

We never know how long someone’s a major part of our lives. We never know when things will drive a wedge and crumble. Smile and say goodbye. That’s about all we can do. People come and go and we don’t know why. We don’t know the roll they will play but for every trumpet solo another ensemble will pop up and take the new lead. Have faith and pray for them. Do not be mad or dismayed. It hurts for sure, but life keeps going, and it all works out according to Gods plan.

Sometimes we can make a life changing decision without thought of the consequences. The sad truth is sometimes we can feel so lost, so distraught, so alone, even if it’s just in our own minds, for some it’s near impossible to know the road that leads up to someone who’s either attempted or succeeded in suicide. Some consider suicide a coward’s way out. While I couldn’t disagree more, I know from personal experience how traumatic the experience is for everyone involved. There is a sense of betrayal and selfish thoughts that come from the ones left behind. I myself have both lost loved ones, and have almost lost loved ones. While suicide isn’t as simple as cowardice or weak, the truth is slightly different and as there is research upon research for suicide, one common theme is seen. “In general, people do not commit suicide because they are in pain, they commit suicide because they don’t believe there is a reason to live and the world will be better off without them. “ (PsychologyToday.com) Of course it’s not always as simple as a common road map. “By dealing with deep distress and emotional pain by harming yourself with acts such as cutting, burning, sticking objects in your skin, or intentionally preventing wounds from healing, you are becoming increasingly capable of suicide.” Just because there is not or has not been past evidence of harm, doesn’t mean that enough buried pain, enough buried guilt, and sorrow, can’t be enough to have someone take their own life, or inflict extreme harm upon one’s self.

Most people have a fight or flight response, a natural inclination for self-preservation. If life offers so much pain, so much suffering, so much despair to override a basic biological urge to preserve ones self from harm or death, why then is it so hard for people to realize the courage it takes, the passion it takes to do such things to ones self. No, when someone is feeling that much despair the thoughts of loved ones, consider how they would feel if you were gone, is not usually a thought, thought of. Quite honestly often times when someone kills himself or herself they believe they are doing the world a favor. Sometimes the act is brought on so quickly no warning signs are present.

Does this mean someone’s anger gives them right to do whatever they want to the victim of self-harm? Why do people recoil instead of showering the victim in love? Why do people choose to hate or anger over love? Instead of asking ‘how could you leave me?’ ask instead ‘why did you feel so alone and hopeless?’ When someone attempts self-harm it isn’t about narcissism. Sometimes when a person has a long history of bullying, quick and sudden relationship changes, traumatic experiences, loneliness, eating disorders, existential crisis, and more, can be reasons someone who undergoes an unexpected trauma can attempt self-harm.

We should not judge to harshly about those who suffer. Instead follow the teachings of Christ, to love. People who are going through enough pain and suffering need a loving embrace more so then most. The battle does not end when the victim is released from the hospital. The battle continues and can be a long-term continuation of care. A person who looses enough self respect to loose logic, and life needs to be held and loved, not treated with anger and hatred.

There is already too much hatred in this world. People are so quick to use foul language, quick to cause pain on people around us. It is often easier to let anger and loathing dictate our emotions when some emotions are already heightened. When we are stressed and aggravated why are some so easily provoked?

Yesterday while I work, I witnessed a coworker trying to be nice, and helpful, courteous and understanding and all he got in return was distain and swear words. Sadly it came from both a mother and her teenage daughter. So many other parents noted how well my colleague handled the situation and all who witnessed told me about how well he did and had nothing but high praise. Something so simple, something so simple yet others seem to have a hard time with it, nice, kindness, these things almost seem like a distant memory.

Sadly in my own life I’ve witnessed more hatred in others then I’d care to admit for this world. Recent events in my life point me to the Book of Job. A man who looses everything in his life, his wife, children, home, wealth, his own health, all taken from him. The thing that surprised me most about it was how his friends treated him. I never put much stock in that part until it happened to me. Through the trials I’ve been through, and the unfortunate ‘drama’ as of late, I always figured I could count on my friends. As we all do, mistakes were made on my part, but I never once thought a friend would use that as the catalyst to blame me for all of my ongoing pains in my life. My unfortunate circumstance is why that friend distanced themselves from me, because they didn’t want or need it in their life. A friend who isn’t directly involved decided to be more of a conditional friend to me. When the times get tough, call me later. As the conversation progressed I learned the sad truth, that friend holds a lot of anger towards me because of something that happened 8 months ago. It’s a sad day when you must say goodbye, when it’s best for all parties to bid adieu.

We all make mistakes in our life and some of them are big enough to haunt us the rest of our days. Let me tell you this, if a friend can’t see the pain inside you, can’t see how much suffering you’re in, it’s because they don’t want to. If a friend can’t forgive you for a mistake, something that would have changed the course of a life, it’s a sad day. You may loose friends because of these types of days, but God will never leave or forsake you.

One Step Away by: Casting Crowns

 

What if you could go back and relive one day of your life all over again

And unmake the mistake that left you a million miles away

From the you, you once knew

Now yesterday’s shame keeps saying that you’ll never get back on track

But what if I told you

You’re one step away from surrender

One step away from coming home, coming home

One step from arms wide open

His love has never let you go

You’re not alone

You’re one step away

 

You’re never too far-gone, never alone if you just lay down the old chains and pick up the cross and follow Christ. Don’t think for one second you’re alone. No matter what there are people who can help you. There are so many crisis lines, so many organizations who want to help. If you’re low and thinking about suicide or self harm pick up the phone. If you’re battling depression or anxiety, there are those who know that pain and are always willing to share and talk.

No matter the road you may be on, there’s always hope if that road is full of unhappiness. Don’t loose hope and never quit. God is bigger and better then we could ever hope or imagine. It’s not something that is easy, but with time and practice life gets better. Be proactive and take charge. Shed a life of negativity for one of hope and love. Live by faith, and understand Gods glory.

If you are bullied, picked on, teased, insulted, remember that as much as those things hurt, there’s a way out. Jesus Christ endured all of those things, until he was murdered brutally for us. He suffered torture that could only be described as the worlds hatred and malice in one long excruciating beating that nearly left him dead. He was mocked as he struggled to carry the cross to his final resting place. He was placed on a cross were breathing would be unbearable. He was mocked and yet while this was happening he had the strength to ask God to forgive us. Forgive one another for the things we do. Love one another and don’t keep score of the bad. Just love. Don’t let anger and hatred fill your soul like a cancer. Love and believe. Look to the heavens and see the light shine through the clouds and know the clouds will be burned away and all that’s left is the sun.

 

References:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/curious/201405/why-do-people-kill-themselves-new-warning-signs

http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2014/07/23/15-common-causes-of-suicide-why-do-people-kill-themselves/

Empty shell (Behind The Mask)

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Empty shell (Behind the mask) 

I hate the way I feel, I hate the way that the world doesn’t quite seem as bright and shiny as it once used to. I hate that now I feel like something’s been taken away from me and I question if I’m ever going to get that back. I hate the way you’re happy at least on the surface. I hate what I’ve lost in myself. I hate that I’ve lost the reassurance that the world itself wasn’t such a horrible place. I hate the fact that I’m alone or at least on the surface feel alone. I hate that I feel lost. It feels like my world is crumbling around me and I hate the way I have memories for something, that I’ll never have again. I hate the feeling that I failed and I question if I’ll ever succeed again. I question how long I have to wait before my test is over. I question where I’m going to live, what I’m going do. I question the questions and if they are even appropriate to ask. What made it so bad that made it so hard to stay with me. I question what I did that was so bad that you could hurt someone to the point you’ve hurt me. I feel like you have to shell that’s been cracked and can’t be put back together again. I feel like all the joy that I had has been torn away and replaced with sadness and sorrow, shame, guilt and regret. I feel hallow like I don’t feel real. I feel like an old toy, thrown away when it’s been out grown. I feel sorrow. I feel abused.

God feels so far away. I know the teacher doesn’t interfere during the test, but I feel so abandoned. I know the faith it takes, I know the love that’s there for me, from God and from my friends but I don’t feel it right now. I poured everything I had, everything I was, but too little too late. I have been good and bad, and I know that one day this storm will pass and I will look back and know that faith got me through. Faith doesn’t mean you won’t hurt, doesn’t mean you won’t have negative feelings, it doesn’t mean you can’t and won’t be heart broken, but that when the storm comes you’re ready for it. There’s no time limit on how long you’ll be in the storm. No rules as to how much can be taken from you. No promise to an easy life. The only promise is to be loved by God, and that God will never abandon you.

John Blake: “Not a lot of people know what it feels like to be angry, in your bones. I mean, they understand, foster parents, everybody understands, for awhile. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can’t do, move on. So after awhile they stop understanding. They send the angry kid to a boys home. I figured it out too late. You gotta learn to hide the anger, practice smiling in the mirror. It’s like putting on a mask.”

2 Corinthians 4:8-11 “8 We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; 10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. 11 For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh.”

 Everyday is a battle after heartbreak. Everyday is a baby step forward, and although there may be good days, excellent days, there can also be days where it feels you’ve been knocked back 10 steps. The healing process for me hasn’t been an easy one. The days that have ticked by seconds as minutes, minutes as hours, and what hours seemed like days, those are the days when the mind can play cruel tricks on you. The healing process of heartbreak, of loss, of betrayal can be helped or hindered by many factors. A healthy job, a healthy social life, and eventually a healthy dating life can all assist in the therapeutic repair. Sadly things don’t always go according to our own plan. We may not understand and can have a hard time accepting why so many things can hurt us when all we want to do is heal, move forward, feel better. The truth is, the world may judge you on how you handle a major tragedy in your life. Just as Blake stated sometimes you just have to put on that mask. The world isn’t whom you have to get to accept you, it’s Christ. When you know in your heart that even if you aren’t healing as fast or as well as your friends or family would like, are you doing everything you can to live your life according to scripture? As I never claim to be an expert, I don’t recall ever seeing anything that gives a timeline to grief, or sorrow. We may not always have the friends and family readily available as often as we’d like to spend time with, to go out with and socialize with, but what matters is when times are toughest know they are there for you.

I have been blessed with the best Church family anyone could ever ask or hope for. Through everything I’ve endured they have been there for me. They have held me when I’ve cried, picked me up when I was injured, helped me financially when I couldn’t work, and have provided the most moral, and Godly support any man could ever dream of having.

I have some of the best friends a man could hope for. They’ve rallied to my bedside when I was hurt, and have also helped me financially when times got tough. They are spread thin throughout the entire country, and although this means I don’t have a budding, effective social life to get me out of the house as much as I should, I know they are always there.

God will answer my prayers when the time is right. The time isn’t when I think it should be, but when it needs to be. Having faith that the faithful will be rewarded and blessed in this life according to our demeanor of deserving it. We cannot be given a gift we are not ready for. We cannot be given blessings we would most certainly abuse. We may not always know why we have unanswered prayers, but we must remain faithful that it’s just not according to the plan.

As empty as I have felt the last few weeks, I know that great things are coming even if I can not see them just yet. All my years in theater I understand what the crowd sees on stage is only a fraction of what’s going on during the play. The hard work, the majority of the work is being done off stage, what can’t be seen. We don’t know what God is doing behind the scenes, preparing for our futures, that’s the hard part about patience.

In short I leave you this final quote of my own making. “The beauty about being an empty shell is that it means it’s completely open for it to be refilled with something new.”