A Mirror Dimly :
I have recently considered something about myself, who am I? As I have written before, I was a child in a broken home, in a broken school, full of bullies who tortured me for their daily dose of fun. I managed to move to sanctuary where I found peace, and happiness. Even though I would leave for the Army on the tail of heartbreak, from losing a friend, I kept my humor, and positive outlook. For a while in Iraq, I kept my light hearted personality, but within a year of returning home, I began seeing a change within myself. The loss and hardships I’d experienced began to change me. I began feeling quiet, isolated, even angry. For the next several years I found myself in one bad relationship after another, where my playful childlike personality was being repressed, and suppressed. I was unable to express that side of me for over a decade. I have the heart of a nerd, and I love nerd things, from science fiction, fantasy, games, history, and theology. I was unable to talk about such things, such desires. I was unable to truly be myself. The healing I needed after my time at war, was far from me. Upon leaving the military, I was forced to endure difficult times trying to find employment. I suffered one rejection after another. Only after seeking help from a temp agency was I able to find work, but it was just manual labor, in a factory. I was working 50 to 60 hours a week, and never realized there was no time for healing. I was a broken man; I just didn’t know it.
While I have healed in many ways since then, I have felt the weight of life crushing down upon my shoulders. Now that I am disabled, and receiving social security and VA disability, my income is limited to whatever the government deems is worth that of a disabled veteran. On my income where I live, I can barely make ends meet. I struggle monthly on an incredibly tight budget. How can I take care of my family? Where can I find the means to do so? If I am the man of the house and I’m unable to do such things, what good am I? With my physical body a mere fraction of what I once was, I am faced with a harsh reality, what I make now, is what I will make for the rest of my life. Unless the government does something drastically different, or the economy is forever reset to a lower cost of living, my options are limited. These two things have affected the views I have for myself. While I know that Jesus loves me, I know that life is full of difficulty. I know that sometimes life isn’t fair. This doesn’t change the fact that every day I am reminded just how much of a failure I am. I look at myself in the mirror at how much weight I’ve gained, how little I am able to physically do and the mere fraction of the man I once was. It’s no wonder I struggle to find inner peace, I have internal turmoil raging like a hurricane.
I have recently found it difficult to accept the truth. This is not me complaining, just pointing out the facts. While it’s rare for me to receive replies to text messages I send out, it’s far rarer to actually meet with anyone. Gone are the days of lunches and dinners and trips with friends. This has all made a perfect storm, that while my faith is strong, my self-worth is not. With the physical health situation, mixed with the friend’s situation, it seems the battle within this world is not just at my door step, but in the home as well. It seems the 8 months I’ve been recovering has left me a shadow of the man I once was. I am facing challenges at the age of 41 I never thought I’d face in my life. The one thing I’ve kept in my mind is what Paul said in “1 Corinthians 12:9 9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” While we do not know the thorn Paul is referring too, the message remains the same. Sometimes the Lord allows us to struggle to keep us where we are needed, or where He wants us to be. In Paul’s case, Paul saw this as keeping him from exalting himself. Paul goes on in verse 10 and states he’s content with weakness. Am I content where I am? What can I learn from Paul? I chose to have heart surgery, to stay in this life for years to come, not because it’s what I wanted, but it’s what my family wanted and needed. Now, I am left picking up the pieces, and still, I stare at my phone waiting for replies to my messages. Days, weeks and sometimes longer, I am left wondering, what did I do wrong? Why do I struggle so hard to make and keep friends? What is it about Americans that don’t spend time with friends anymore? Or, is it just me? It’s true my recent move has isolated me more than I thought it would. I expected to meet neighbors, and maybe friends. But, as we see, people in apartments don’t really chat much, sadly. So, I am left facing the sad truth. I may not be popular, and I may not have a tight, strong, circle of friends, but God’s grace is sufficient for me. I must rely on the strength of God to get me through these hard times. Make no mistake, I am in a fight, but I know that my God will see me through. I will continue to fight the good fight because I am a soldier for Christ. I know this life will be filled with heartbreak, heartache, disappointment, and yet, there will be beauty as well. We must force ourselves to train our minds to see and recognize the blessings God sends our way. We cannot become proficient in God’s word, proficient with the sword of the Armor of God unless we take time and train. If we are to fight against the prince of the power of the air, the evil over and within this world, we must be ready to do so. When the attacks come, we must be ready to defend ourselves. We must be prepared to resist the lies, the whiles of the devil and his demons. We must be willing to stand our ground, hold fast to the word of God, and never compromise to appease the world. The lies of the devil are not always blatantly obvious. Sometimes the lies are sprinkled with truth, and we must be ready and willing to be studied up, prayed up, and prepared to fight the good fight.
I find myself being tempted, and attacked in the dark. The chronic pain, and insomnia weigh heavily upon me. The dozens of texts and messages that go unanswered. The lack of support for my work via my podcast and blog, weighs heavily on me. The isolation from moving away from where my church is located reminds of me of just how hard it is to make friends as a Christian in a secular world. Continuing to recover from heart surgery has been incredibly difficult as I face physical limitations daily. I have pain I never thought I’d have. I have daily struggles. The devil uses all of these things to probe my defenses, to shoot flaming arrows in my direction. Have I trained enough to avoid the impacts? Have I studied enough to fight back? Have I prepared enough to resist? I pray I am meek, ready to use what I have learned but keeping that power in check always. It’s difficult some days to find my value. It’s challenging to not let the dark days win. It’s hard for me to stay focused on the Lord sometimes. I often feel like Peter stepping out of the boat, standing on the water, with all the waves around him, but the moment the thunder and lightning crack, the waves crash all around him, he looks away from Jesus, and begins to plumet down to Davy Jones locker. Jesus grabs him and says “ye of little faith”. I also sometimes have too little faith. I am grateful for a King, and Savior that grabs me when I’m sinking. A Shepherd that shields me from the wolves. That is with me in the midst of the fire. That sends His angels to be with me and guide me, and protect me. That the Holy Spirit rests within me. Even when I make mistakes and sin, my heart breaks for the pain I have caused my God. I am weak, and sometimes frail, but I know that God is the God of forgiveness, and chances. I know that God watches me, and is with me, even when I don’t believe in myself, God has made me an heir to the Kingdom, a citizen of Heaven. Of course, it’s easier to say the words than to believe them in my heart. The Devil has done a great work with phycological warfare. A battle is being waged and I am in the middle of it. I know I need to stay firm on the Word of God, and always, seek first the kingdom of God. I pray you too continue to fight the good fight, and continue to do good for the Lord our God. Go in peace and my the Love of God abound upon you, and may His blessings be abundant and clear to you.
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