Four Years Now

It’s been four years now, and when I look in the mirror the person isn’t the same looking back. For a long time the silence was terrifying because for me, the internal dialog was startling. For years the darkness was when the voices were the loudest. For a long time I couldn’t drive in the car in silence without that void being filled with the lies of the voices. Anytime when I knew I would be surrounded by the absence of sound, I knew the lies would start, and I knew I would hear their voices telling me I was worthless. I knew the voices would tell me to relive my horrors. I knew I’d see the events play through again and again in my minds eye. 

The fear would stay with me, and then not long ago I was driving and realized the radio had been off for a while. How long I asked myself? How long had the radio been off, and as I considered it, I realized it had been off for days? Weeks? When did the silence stop being a warzone? When did I no longer fear, but instead embrace the silence? As I pondered back I recall nights in the tent where the silence was filled by nature and I found myself at peace. The darkness it seems had finally been pushed away. 

The darkness overtook me in grief, suffering, guilt, shame, loss, and an overall feeling of worthlessness. Even feeling the touch of the Almighty God, and the electricity run through my body, the voice that echoed in my head, quickly became attacked by the lies of the enemy. This was perpetuated by the further loss of those around me. The exodus I experienced, all alone with my demons in the night, I found myself quieting the voices with medication and alcohol. The days turned to weeks and the medicated numbing kept the voices at bay, but at a cost. I was losing myself, and my witness. I was adding to the chains that held me down, that were crushing me and I couldn’t see beyond my own pain. 

Nights of delirium, blackouts that left social media, text messages, and phone calls of a person with no idea what was said, or done, but that of a man who consistently made a complete fool of himself. While this lasted but a few weeks and the wakeup call came from a concerned, and trusted advisor, thankfully no permanent damage was done. But who am I now? Isn’t that the question? Four years later, who am I? Where have I gone in all those years? I have been thinking about the challenges that shape us, that mold us to who we are. What happens when pressure is applied to a sword? Of course if enough is applied it breaks, but of normal usage it’s strong able to withstand blows and beatings of battle after battle. This of course is after the sword is forged and heat treated. When a sword is forged it goes through a rigorous process of beating the steal, shaping it, molding the hot metal into the desired shape, one prepared for war. 

I look at the four years, but realize that while it’s been a long time, I’ve got faith. I realize that it’s that faith and strength that is not of my own, but given to me, bestowed upon me by my Almighty Abba Father. The four years it seemed, or rather felt, as if it were a long night, and finally the sky lights with the rising sun. Out of the ashes of a life, rises a new existence, as scripture says “a new creation.” I’ve been through the fire and God took those hardships and used every bit of it, to strengthen my very soul. 

After losing my marriage and watching that fall to ashes, and then the ‘incident’, a short stay at a bed and breakfast, then losing my job, rupturing the disc and then the house, and watching my future plans go up in smoke, I was left lost at sea. I spent years trying to find my way, but floundered in the darkness. I started school, but merely felt as if I were going through the motions. I started writing and there I found focus. There I found purpose. Was God showing me how to focus my thoughts, and feelings? Was God showing me that there was reason for what I was going through? School would come to a close and be completed. All of that would lead me to where I am today. Of course there were ups and downs in there. There was someone who came into my life two years into the journey who would become a reminder to stay on track. Covid of course through everyone’s life a curveball, but of course, what is the point of all this? 

The point is, we never know how long the storms will last, or even the darkness. The hardships come and go, but what remains is the kind of person we want to be, shown in how we handle those hardships. Are we going to make mistakes? Sure, we all do, but our actions are truly what defines us. When we make a mistake, we need to swallow our pride, and own up to it. David, a man after God’s own heart, ran from his obligations, and in doing so, created turmoil for him the rest of his life. From avoiding war, to Bathsheba, to conspiracy to commit murder, to coverup, to failure in maintaining the law. David would be punished for his mistakes, but in the end, he would acknowledge them, and repent of his sins. Make no mistake though, the bill comes due. When we error, there are repercussions for those mistakes, even when we are forgiven. Let me explain this. Scripture tells us that when we ask for forgiveness, a deep heart felt plea for forgiveness, God wipes our slate clean, white as snow. While we are forgiven, we must still be held accountable for our sins. For every action there is a reaction. Our actions while here on this Earth have repercussions, and we must know that, our sins create a ripple effect to all those around us. Everything we do, from Sins such as adultery, to stealing, to lying, to murder, even idolatry, all have massive ripple effects to the world around us. No sin just effects ‘you’, but it truly does affect everyone around you. 

At my lowest point I found myself alone, and desperate to feel something else. Mistakes will happen, but we must learn from them. We must ask for wisdom to see the error in our ways, but the chance to learn and grow, and be better today than we were yesterday. Failure is often viewed as a negative thing, but I argue that without failure we do not truly grow. We must study our failures to learn why we failed, how we failed, and then take those lessons. Much like the Sword of Gryffindor, we must be forged by what makes us stronger, what makes us better. Far too often we hold onto shame, guilt, regrets, and we become stuck. Instead we must take what makes us better, what lessons we need for tomorrow, and leave behind the rest. The scars remain but a reminder of the struggle, the survival, not to be victim, but to thrive in life, knowing how fragile it truly is. Scripture tells us we are but a vapor in the wind. James 4:14 “whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.” We cannot stay in the past, nor can we stay worrying about the future, but we need to have a broad view. We must be able to analyze the past, live in the moment, and lay the foundation for tomorrow. We must trust that the Lord will establish our steps, but we must keep our compass fixed on Jesus. We must walk with Jesus allowing him to be within us. We must not allow the world to pull us astray, because it’s easy to do. Satan wants to tempt us away, ever so slowly at a time till we are so far away, when we look up, we have no idea how we got so lost. We must continuously stop and check our azimuth, and do a spiritual check-up. 

We can’t live in the past, chained in bondage, but we should focus on our tomorrow in Christ, Jesus. Every day we make the choice how we behave, how we think, what we watch, what we say, what we do. Traumas, and heartbreak are difficult to overcome, but there are ways to do so. We can heal and move forward and beyond the hurt. In my life, I have seen horrific things, dealt with traumas, and have even failed miserably in handling them. In those failures lessons have been learned, and God usually gives us a chance to make things right, when we ask for them. Never lose sight of the big picture, and that’s Christ. Don’t be conformed to the world. Be the change you want to see, and live your life in love, knowing we know how to love, because Christ loved us first. 

I cannot say where my next four years will have led me, but right now, my future is bright. I am cautiously optimistic. It’s easy to get caught in the excitement of the new, the joy in the planning, but I am fully aware, there is a storm brewing on the horizon. When you are doing the Lords work, Satan doesn’t sleep. He wishes to destroy everything built in the name of Christ. He wishes to demoralize every positive thing we do. We must always be aware, and ready for the storms coming. So while I see a future in front of me, it’s not yet in focus. Whatever my future holds, I know that the last four years have prepared me for tomorrow, and I cannot, I will not allow these four years to have been in vein. To new adventures.