Again, I Hide

I hide behind my computer again. The waters tested, but back into the boat again. I stepped out upon the waves, and faced my fears of falling beneath the Icey depths. I walked for a while out of that boat, but the crack of the sky, made me feel I might die. I began to sank and back into the boat I went. Safe inside the boat. 

In my mind I tested the waters, I started to fly beyond the keyboard, beyond the chair. So long I stayed in my comfort afraid of rejection, afraid of what might come. For so long, I was worried I’d get it wrong, or I wouldn’t understand. For so, so long, I worried about me, a nobody, telling the world about Jesus. I felt like Gideon, a nobody, a small, weak, nobody from my tribe. But when I found a way, the who I was, and the direction and the how, the storm brewed, and back to the keyboard I crawled. 

I took a chance, and decisions considered, and choices made, I found myself a flame doused by a hose. The light and fire had gone out. As I sit here questioning my future, I find myself recoiling away from the world. I find myself in solitude to pray and have some alone time with the father. I wonder at times if it were all just a test. IF the storm was created to see how I’d respond. I wonder if perhaps I should have stuck to my belief, and held my ground. 

I have put a lot of thought into What Would Jesus Do? What did Jesus feel? In John 6:66, when disciples followed him no more, did Jesus’s heart ache for them? When Jesus confronted the Pharisees over and over, knowing they didn’t like him, knowing they didn’t believe him, did the human side hurt? Was the feelings of the human side ever hurt? Did it hurt Jesus’s feelings when his own brothers refused to follow him? Did it hurt his feelings when his own town refused to follow him, or support him? We often think of Jesus as God but he was also a man. Jesus had feelings and being perfect living in a world of imperfection, would this cause Jesus to suffer emotional pain? We know Jesus must have had a sense of humor because we have one. And in the water to wine chapter, we see Jesus likely picking on his mother a little. (personal opinion) We see him weeping for Lazarus. I’m sure when Joseph died, he wept for his earthy father. 

Growing up I faced all kinds of bullies, and I was told a lot that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t smart enough, or big enough, or fast enough. Most of my life I was told, and have faced opposition being held down, held back, and never being allowed to fly to see my own potential. Facing my own fears and stepping out there, knowing what was coming, or at the least the potential for it, left me grossly unprepared. Taking a right cross, across the face or more appropriately to the heart, left me trying to find solid ground. 

Jesus is my rock, my fortress. Jesus is my protection against the attacks of the Devil. Satan recoils at the name of Satan, and my heart is a sanctuary for the Lord to reside. I pray to God, and in the name of Jesus I hope for tomorrow. I seek comfort in the arms of my father to dry my tears, dust me off, and ready my hands for battle. I trust the Lord to show me the way, a light house that cuts through the dense fog of emotions and doubt. I know that Jesus lift me up when I fall into the water, and I know he will heal my heart, and give me eyes to see. I know Jesus has made me different, and unique, the potter molding me in the clay to be special, and to do a job made for me. I am a tool ready to be used, willing to be put out there, and guided to whatever ministry planned for me. I will follow my heart, and follow my path. I will not be held back, and I will not ignore what I feel is right. I will fight the good fight, and continue to run my race. I will be patient and as an arrow held on the rest, I shall wait till the time is right, the string is tight, the wind is calm, and I will hold fast till the archer my Lord Jesus Christ is ready to fire me toward my target. I will not stand by, I will not stay hidden, I shall not hide behind this keyboard and when the time is right, I will come again. My fire will reignite, and I will tend to the fire, and grow it, and dry the metaphorical waters that doused my flame. 

In the name of Jesus Christ the only Son of the Father, I shall be held back, or bullied into a corner. Be a peacock and fly.