My Ledger 

My sins add up and pile upon me like an avalanche. The ledger of my sins is long, and I hear the lies in the dark. I am bound in chains of my own creation. The darkness surrounds me as the hungry wolves lick their chops circling me ready to pounce. My hands are stained red in the blood of cosmic treason and my failures ring in my ears, the sound of Satan’s victory over the spirit. The ledger I carry weighs me down, and as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I hear the war drums all around me, the drums of Hell. The Devil and his demons cast shadows on the cavern walls in the shapes of my sins. I’m reminded of all my failures time and time again, and I wonder, I question who am I to be able to stand tall and speak with authority?

I have failed so often, and I know the word, but the world tells me something different. The world has pushed me, shoved me, beat me when I was down. I feel like my feet are buried in mounds of mud and I can’t take a step. Who am I to be able to stand and speak, who am I but a hypocrite, flawed, not worthy of a grain of salt from the Lord. I look deep in my life, and who am I but a two-time failure at marriage, a failure in a career, a financial failure, a failed businessman, and many would argue a failure as a friend. Who am I to stand up and preach the Gospel of our king when my ledger is flooded with so much?

I’ve stumbled and fallen, and I don’t know how I can carry on keeping on. A broken man with broken dreams, shattered on the floor, a life I don’t recognize. Simpler times before the scars appeared, a hope long gone. Broken and afraid, unable to see the sky. The Devil tells me I’m not good enough, he tells me I’m a failure, he tells me I’m a failure, and how can I ever be more, that I deserve Hell. My chains are heavy, and my pain is deep. What more can I say, but on this day, the Devil found a chink in the armor. I am no one important, this is truth, a truth beyond any measure, but what is truth in the absence of Christ, but a lie. The world’s truths are nothing to the Lord above.

No matter the power of Satan, there’s a power greater then any other, that of Christ. Christ’s blood wipes away my red, His blood frees me, sets me free from the bonds that hold onto me. I feel unqualified for what You want me to do my Lord. I feel weak in this task you’ve set before me. I feel small in a great big world, and I doubt myself. I feel fear that I am not worthy of this task, which I am nobody anybody would ever listen too. I don’t know why anyone would believe a word I say. I don’t know why you’d choose me, choose such a wretched sinner like me. My Lord my Savior you cover my wretched body in the reviving waters dissolving my chains.

I’m a sinner like any other man. My works and my deeds mean nothing. My voice is flat and all I am mean nothing without Jesus. Today I feel the weight of my shortcomings, but I know that I am worth more then I feel in my Fathers eyes. Today I don’t feel okay, and perhaps once in a while it’s okay not to be okay. Knowing that Jesus is still there at the right hand of the Father. Knowing that my sins are forgiven, and the Jesus is here by my side in the trenches. Maybe today, it’s okay for me to bend on knee and ask for God’s grace cover over me to give me strength.

When I look over my life I wonder, nah, I doubt if I’m worthy to stand up and proclaim the word of God, but I study, I pray, and even if I doubt my own ability, it is God that strengthens me.       2 Timothy 2:15 (NKJV) 15 “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”

Being fallible, being so full of doubt, and despite my personal feelings on the matter, I cannot help but be reminded of Gideon. Gideon was chosen by God to defeat the Midianites. Gideon was only one man, but the Angel of the Lord promised that he (Gideon) would defeat them as one man. Like any man would be, Gideon was skeptical of his own ability. One man verse an entire army. Not only was Gideon one man, but as scripture tells us he was the weakest in all of Manasseh, and the least of his fathers house. Who are we in this life without God? We are no one, but in Christ, with the blessings from our Father we can concur the wages of this world.

2 Corinthians 4:1-10 (NKJV)

4 Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart. 2 But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. 3 But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, 4 whose minds the god of this age has blinded, who do not believe, lest the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine on them. 5 For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 8 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

We are called to proclaim the word of God, and even when we are stifled in our attempts, or silenced, or when our proclamations fall upon the deaf ears of those yet to unplug from this world, we will not be silenced. Even the weak can have a voice. Even the smallest voice rings with power, and truth, so long as it is proclaiming the word, the glorious word of our King on High Jesus Christ. We allow the Holy Spirit to speak through us, to flow through us, and even though we are yet sinners, we are not bound to this world. We are washed clean not once, but seventy times seven, which is boundless forgiveness from our Heavenly Father. Knowing that my Father forgives me for my sins, even when I don’t deserve is shows me God’s endless amounts of mercy. Forgiveness is a hard concept for some, but forgiving ones self is perhaps harder then forgiving others. While my ledger is always being rewritten, I constantly turn to Christ to forgive me of my earthly torments, my failings, my weaknesses. I fight this world, and while my spirit is willing, my flesh is weak. I am reminded that a sin does not start with an action, but within the heart. Who am I, I ask myself, that God would or could ever use a sinner like me? I am small in this world, without a voice, without stature, or status, but despite my own misgivings, God wishes to move me into the deeper waters. As I once dreamt of being a hero, dreamt of being more, being remembered for something great, now, I am full of doubt, but above all shame of an old life.

What did Paul feel I wonder, after his conversion, he was undoubtedly left with guilt for his actions as Saul. On the eve of change, I find myself facing off with the list of crimes against the cross. I find myself being reminded of all the reasons I am a failure, but worst of all, a hypocrite. I am a sinner like everyone else, and while my sins are equal to every else’s, it’s my own failure to forgive myself, allow myself to let go of yesterday, and remember that Jesus has washed away my crime and never dwells upon it. If Jesus can forgive and forget, why can I not do the same for myself? How can I teach love, and grace, and mercy, and forgiveness if I cannot do the same for myself? I read 2 Corinthians again and realize that I am struck down by the world, but I am still standing. I am tempted by the world, but am pulled back by the Holy Spirit. I am dying as a shell, but surviving as a spirit. I remember that I have a treasure deep within as I am saved by mercy. As Obi-Wan Kanobi once said “if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful then you can ever imagine.” This body is nothing by a vessel, a temporary housing for the spirit, which grows in Christ. I am reminded that like any plant to flourish it takes time, effort, water, light, and the grace of God. Our souls are very much like plants, and we need to remember to water our souls by Christ, and let the light of Jesus shine deep within us. The god of this world wants to keep you in darkness, and as I have heard the lies, heard the accusations against me, I know and trust that Jesus knows my heart, and yet still wants me to move forward on this path of light which is laid out before me. I trust my Father and know that if this is where He wants me who am I to argue with the creator of the universe?

My Ledger may always have something against the cross on it, but Jesus knows we are sinners, and loves us anyway. Jesus knows my faults, knows my shortcomings, but despite them, loves me anyway. Even when I cannot see the good within myself, even when I cannot see the man worth saving, Jesus sees me. Who am I? I am a child of the King, a servant of the Savior, a son of the Father.