God’s Will, My Will, Who’s Will

 Psalm 143:10 “Teach me to do Your will, For You are my God; Your Spirit is good. Lead me in the land of uprightness.” I have been questioning my purpose in life, and it has been years that I’ve been floundering in my career. As time pushed on I never quite found my flow, found my comfort. I spent years unwilling to leave my career because it was part of my comfort zone. Eventually God would force me to leave my career and follow a new path. I can remember growing up being in love with the church. As I grew I had felt some urges to work in the church but the older I got the further I wanted to be from working. I never stopped longing to go to church just didn’t think ministry was right for me. I ran from the idea for years and years.

When I think of everything I’ve gone through I can’t help but think of the song ‘Where My Heart Will Take Me’. I have walked a long journey, and as I’ve walked through the fire and the rain, I have always kept the faith that one day I would find where I belonged. I knew my strength came from my God and that God loved me no matter what everyone else said, or even those who doubted me. I can remember when I first decided to join the Army there were many who laughed at me. I was just some skinny kid, and many thought I’d fail. I was a weird kid and the vegetarian and most thought I’d fail in the first week. I not only made it my first week but after nearly dying from MRSA I bounced back and completed my 20K ruck march. I watched as I overcame all odds and managed to do something so many doubted. I was the smallest guy in my unit and even the Drill Sergeants didn’t think I would make it. Above the doubts I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. For the next 3 ½ years I would find myself achieving things I never dreamed I would. From combat to marriage, to moving out on my own I would come to find I was more independent I ever dreamed of being.

As tragedy would strike my life I would struggle to pick myself up. Instead of turning to God and giving my struggles and my trials to the Lord who could fix my heart, I hid it away and never faced them again. I thought I was doing just find handling my life well enough. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe and know Christ, I had failed in my prayer life and failed to understand the true nature of being a follower of Christ. My whole life I had questioned why I was being made to go through so much pain. I have struggled often wondering why I wasn’t good enough to be happy. I struggled with wondering why no one wanted me, and why I would loose so many people I cared for. The thing was I was always asking why me, and my suffering was about me. I never once thought to rejoice at my struggles. I never once thought to ask how my struggles could be used to glorify God. I never once thought to praise God even in my darkest hours. Instead I was always asking God why me, and what I had done wrong to deserve it. I always made it about me, and no matter how low I got I couldn’t see past me. I wasn’t narcissistic, nor was I entirely responsible for my own sufferings, but I can see now how those things while at the time were horrible and traumatic, but today they have given me a point of authority to preach on the subject.

I can’t say I fully understand everything, but I can say one day I hope to understand more then I do now. In my journey I now realize how much of a foolish young man I was. I was bitter and angry for so long I look back over my life and while I was never the cruel type, or cold or distant, for the most part I was always as loving as I could be. That was until something bad happened and then I shut down. See, for me the problem was facing the hurt, and instead of facing it I buried it deep down hid it away and never let it come out. I was dealing with it in my own will, and not God’s will. I need a swift kick in my stubborn butt, but instead I trudged along in my own way unwilling to see the bigger picture. See my whole life was missing out on an opportunity to minister God’s word in all the situations and countries I would find myself. Instead God took a back seat in my life and only when I needed something did I turn to God to get me out of the mess I was in.

Today’s picture of me is much different. Today the first place I turn when something happens is God. Today the first thing is tell God how perfect and gracious the Lord is. I thank God for an opportunity to learn from whatever lesson I’m being plagued with. I have learned to let my will fall to the side, and follow God’s will. I have allowed myself to be in charge for too long and I’ve found that I can either accept the lesson to be learned and not stress as much, or try to do it my way and hate life. So when dealing with any situation in life it’s important to praise God good or bad, and have trust and faith that He’s in control. For ever tear we cry, every laugh from our belly’s, every step we take Jesus is by our side and we must have faith that we aren’t alone during any of it. God so loved us that he gave his only so anyone that followed him shall not die, but would have eternal life. John 3:16 (paraphrase)We don’t know why so much bad happens other then we live in a fallen sinful world, where greed, selfishness, and hate are a plague upon humanity. We must choose the path of righteousness, the path of love that we are taught through Jesus Christ. This path isn’t one I ever thought I would be on, but as a surprise to me, those closest to me found little shock in it, as they saw my path to ministry as no longer plausible, but likely. All those years I spent telling God was I wasn’t going to do, what I should have been saying to God was what do you want me to do and then ‘Yes Sir’. Even though I walked my own path and I avoided God’s calling for me like the plague, the truth is, I wouldn’t be prepared for this path had it not been for where I was. My path was full of pain and turmoil, but even with the trials I shall face on this new road, I can rejoice in them because I now know and understand how to give the glory to God. Something I once said with my ex wife, ‘I don’t like you right now, but I love you.’ I believe this sentiment is true with God also. We don’t always like God’s plan, but we still have to follow it. We may not always like God at the moment, but when you think about it, that sentiment could be true of God with us. Imagine how patient God is, a Parent watching over His children who are stupid, arrogant, selfish, kind, soft, loving people all at once. We walk our paths, we turn our backs, and yet even when we are disciplined we are still loved greater then our wildest imaginations. Stay the course and make sure God’s path is your path.

 

Side Note:

During the writing of this post I was hit, blind sided with a message from someone I had befriended for a few weeks now, and while I wouldn’t have assumed anything was wrong out of the blue I get a message saying they were sorry but couldn’t talk to me anymore. That was it. I may not know what the purpose was, but I know it hurts. Regardless of how it made me feel the first thing I did was prayed. I took a step back and though my feelings were hurt, I cannot change anything, and I have no control over the situation, so all I can do is pray to the one with the power Jesus Christ, and offer myself to take this and figure out how to use this to glorify God, even if that means just taking my pain to the big guy up stairs.