Sleep Deprived

I cannot stand on my own two feet.

I fall to my knees and raise my hands.

I cannot see through my tears but I know you’re there.

I struggle to see myself the way you do.

I believe because I’ve felt.

I trust because I believe.

I have hope because I know.

I ain’t the same as I was yesterday.

 

I have wondered lately where I’m going, and if my new path is the right one. I have prayed about it, and even then, I’ve not found the answer to my prayer. I’ve been so tired I can’t concentrate completely. I have felt doubt about myself in my ability to work, in my personal life on many fronts, and my place in this world. The things that have been said to me this week have left me wondering much about myself. I’ve never thought of myself as selfish, and yet, to be called selfish by someone so close to me and so special to me, hurts me deeply. I don’t have many male roll models and for one that I look up to yell at me that I’m a selfish person, hurts. I cannot seem to get beyond the things said to me, and especially after all this time I felt like I had been growing, now I question if that’s true. What if I’ve been wrong about myself? I guess, what I’m saying is even the strongest of us needs prayers some times. So today, I shall take a step back and ask for those prayers. Pray for me that I find the wisdom in those around me. Find the path that God has for me. Pray for the strength to fight the spiritual warfare and come out believing in myself.

Today…. Today I don’t feel like a hero. Today I don’t feel like a winner. Today I find myself broken, and downtrodden. Today, I find myself in need and reaching out. Today I feel like I have failed and that I have achieved nothing. Today, I feel as if I’ve failed God. Today I feel as if I’ve failed my friends. Today I feel like my faith is shaken, and I don’t know how to find it. I read the words, and I say the prayers, but as I hold back my tears, I find myself loosing myself in despair. Today, my faith needs more faith. Today, I find myself hurt and low. Today, I feel like I’m standing still and if I move I’ll shatter, and I won’t be put back together again. Today my heart’s in pieces.