I’m not a quitter

There are days, days like today, when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs and question what in the ever livin bleep am I doing. There are days when doing the right thing is perhaps the hardest thing to do. The frustrations that can often comes with doing the right thing, and yet finding the strength to maintain ones composure is as difficult as it comes. On days like today, all I can do is sit back and pray for guidance in a tumultuous world.

It’s never an easy thing controlling the emotions inside when someone hurts you. What’s the old saying, ‘when someone hurts you, hurt them worse.’? I’m glad Jesus didn’t decide to go with that mantra. Could you imagine what would have happened to the world if Jesus had decided to hurt us worse then we hurt him? It’s a scary thought. We have it in our selves to either be very kind, or incredibly cruel. Revenge is the lifestyle so many people will follow and it’s such a destructive path. It’s important to understand why we must remain patient. It’s important to understand why we must hold ourselves to a higher standard then petty retribution.

I have allowed people to stay around and I have put myself on the line over and over giving them a chance to change. I have watched as they have stayed on the roller coaster bring everyone along with them. I have watched as they’ve had good days, great weeks, and bad ones. I have watched as some days I’m treated well and with plenty of respect, and then days like today where I am treated with such little regard it feels like I have taken a punch from superman straight to the chest. I ask myself on days like this why do I stick around? I have no real reason to anymore. I stay because I feel when there is darkness even the smallest bit of light can bring forth change.

When I find myself questioning why I’m a nice person, I think of Jesus and what he said on the cross. “Today you will be with me in heaven.” He looked to the father and asked for the forgiveness of us, the people, the foolish, greedy, selfish people governed by sin and hateful hearts. We brought forth the worst kind of pain known at the time, and we tore flesh from his body, we hammered nails through his hands and feet. We hung him in a position that would cause him to asphyxiate under his own body weight. Through all of that, we were forgiven of our sins. We have learned very little since then. We still rape and murder, and steal, and lie and cheat. We still hurt people for our own personal gain, and we recklessly destroy peoples lives. How do we deserve mercy, and forgiveness, the answer is neither simple nor easy, it’s grace. Love is greater then all things, and is superior then hate. Love will always concur hate, and even if I have to remind myself every day, I might one day make a difference.

As hurt as I am, and as broken as I feel, I have to pick myself up, and keep pushing forward. While I don’t know where my tomorrow will lead me, I know I cannot abandon those I care for. Even if I feel hope is lost, I have to remind myself that through God all things are possible. I walk by faith, and in my faith I’m not always strong, but when I am weak God is with me. Today I’m weak and don’t know where to go. I don’t feel strong, and I don’t feel courageous. I know the only place I can turn is my Lord and Savior. I know that my heart is in pain, but trusting in the Lord is the only way I will ever heal. I know the Devil would love nothing more then to see me break down, throw in the towel and walk away. The Devil aims to destroy, to tear down the foundations of the lives built around Christ. Today I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but tonight I shall go to bed, and God willing wake up in the morning and God willing a new perspective on tomorrow. Right now I need a little hope, and a sign that tonight I’m not alone.