Hope When You’re Down

The end of the road comes quicker then you’d think. The signs were there, but it seemed like the road would keep going. It seemed like a dream, never truly feeling real, yet, something, there was always something; maybe it was hope that it wasn’t real. How could so much pain befall the same person over and over in ones life? In my life I have watched many horrors as I’ve lost many in my life. In 2012 I thought for sure my next phase would be the longest and all apart of the final stage. I believed I’d finally reached the end of my struggles, but in fact, it was just setting me up for the biggest let down I’d face. I cannot express the pain that I felt, the pain that I feel, but what I can express is that my story isn’t done yet, no, it’s just beginning. I will not allow my life to fall to ruins. I will not allow my pain to keep me chained down. I will not allow my rucksack from keeping me from the top of the hill. I have seen the angel of death, I have passed through the brink, and I have not fallen to memory. In my darkest hour I have reached for the Lord and the Lord has responded with grace and mercy. Above all else, the Lord has given me love in which I never deserved, nor earned. The Lord is merciful, and kind, generous, and never failing.

Though I am still climbing my mountain I have found strength I never knew I had. That is not to say, I don’t feel low, and that I don’t often feel the weight pinning me to the ground, but like all good fighters, I have always found a way, I have always found the strength to keep moving my feet. Like a good soldier I have kept true to my creed. I have never quit, and I have not surrendered to the darkness. When I felt as if I was held captive I never stopped trying to escape the clutches of the Devil. Today I say marks the beginning of the end, and as this chapter moves to close, I can’t help but feel the sorrow in my heart. Often times pain comes from the places we never imagined they would. The pain that springs up from the depths of the ground beneath you, pushing us aside as we fall to the ground watching everything crumble around us. When we curl into a ball trying to avoid the fallout, all we can do sometimes is hang on for dear life, and pray.

In my life I have prayed for many things but never before had I prayed as earnestly, prayed as forcefully, prayed with all of my heart. My prayers were not answered, and now I stand again on the ledge looking over the valley in which I came. I can turn around and see the mountain, and I know I am not ready, but it matters not what I am ready to do, the time has come to start the climb once again. I have found my before, I shall find my way again. I search my heart for my path, and I hear scripture in my head. Proverbs 3:6 “In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.” I trust in the Holy Spirit to guide me when I feel lost. I trust in my God to not forsake me when I am lost in my own sight. I trust because I’ve seen. I believe because I feel. I hope because I know. Proverbs 3:7 “Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.” I know truth from faith, I know fact from fiction, and I cannot deny my own experience. I know the senses of my own body, and what has been experienced by this feeble body of mine. The Lord is not something that is some story told to bring comfort to those seeking some understanding. The Lord is real, felt with my own flesh, heard with my own ears, and in the darkness of the night, the light the washes over my pain is unyielding. The voice that I heard was real, and the death that didn’t happen was quantifiable. While I do not know my way, I believe God will never set me on the wrong path. Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.” Faith for me is not something blind, but instead it’s because I’ve seen, I’ve experienced, that I have faith.

In my sorrow my tears have been used to wash away the old. In my joy the laughter has been used to rebuild the home of my heart. My heart which was broken is now mending. We all have wounds and in time they heal. Often in our wounds a scar remains to remind us of our past. Not to keep you chained to it, but instead to teach us lessons, not to repeat. I know that in my walk with the Lord that I will have my stumbles, and I will sometimes slip down the mountain, but I will always be caught and placed back on the trail. I may not always know how to climb the wall, but closing my eyes and keeping Jesus in my heart, I know my feet will remain secure, my hands will find their place. Proverbs 4:26 “Watch the path of your feet And all your ways will be established.” In all things we must remember that even broken, we aren’t done yet.